Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. This plot bunny was mine alone, but all places, and people in this fic belong to J.K. Rowling. Thank you for letting me borrow your characters, Mrs. Rowling, you're a genius! Now, onto the fic! ^.~
Warthog
By: Molly, period 3
"THE HILLS ARE ALIVE…WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!" sang a beautiful voice inside the classroom. The professor smiled kindly.
"That was lovely, Draco, but we really should be getting on with the lesson," he said. Draco pouted but nodded. He leaned back in his seat with his feather pen ready to take notes.
"Fine, Professor Snape, please begin," he said. The teacher in front of the classroom smiled once more before returning to his lecture.
"Now children," he began softly, running a few of his well-manicured fingers through his smooth, shiny black hair, "in today's lesson, I will teach you how to make love potions."
Many of the girls in the classroom cooed, becoming very excited at this new prospect. One boy with jet black hair and a strange scar on his forehead in the back of the classroom scowled, leaning over to whisper to his friend.
"I bet that's the only way he could get a girl, if he even likes 'em, eh Ron?"
Ron laughed. "Good one, Harry. I bet that suck up Malfoy will do anything to help him."
"Now add the petunias and a touch of perfume for extra measure," Snape went on, surveying his students' work with a gleeful smile on his face. He had his hands clasped together as if he were a child in a candy store. "Wonderful, children! You're doing splendid!"
Hermione, who sat in front of Harry and Ron, turned around to her two friends. "Hey you guys, do you know what's gotten into Snape and Malfoy lately? They've been acting strange all class period, and – "
She was suddenly cut off by a head leaning in front of her. The young girl with bushy hair jumped, waiting her punishment for fraternizing during the professor's lesson.
"Miss Granger, if you had wanted to work with Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley, why didn't you just say so?" He gave her a grin of perfectly straight white teeth, speaking with all sincere innocence. "You may turn your seat around if you wish to work with them."
Hermione gave Snape the most confused look she had ever given someone, but decided it was better not to protest and picked up her chair and turned it around to face her two friends.
"See what I mean?!" she told them. Harry and Ron looked at each other then back at Hermione with cold annoyance.
"What are you talking about, Hermione? Snape has been this way since we first got to this school. He's always been the prissy, hippy teacher who's taught us sappy potions since first year," Harry answered her, adding a few spiders to his concoction, to Ron's (surprisingly) giddy delight.
Hermione opened and closed her mouth a couple times, attempting to make a sound come out, but ended up looking like a drowning fish. She couldn't hide her amazement and confusion at the personality changes everyone around her had suddenly gone through. Suddenly Harry stood up, followed by Ron.
"Where are you two going?" Hermione whispered harshly, knowing that the regular Snape would bark at them for looking the wrong way.
"We're going for a smoke, this class stifles me," Harry said. Hermione gaped at her and her heart began to beat faster when the professor sauntered over.
"Is something the matter?" he asked innocently.
"We're just going to the lavatory. When you gotta go, you gotta go, after all," Ron said with perfect bluntness. Hermione cringed, but to her growing surprise, Snape nodded curtly.
"Very well. Don't be gone too long now!" He patted Ron's bright head and the boy ducked away from his touch.
"Come on, Harry."
Hermione watched them exit the perfumed classroom, her mouth still hanging open in shock. She decided to take a chance and crossed the aisle to where Neville was sitting.
"Neville," Hermione started worriedly. "What's going on with everyone today?" Neville scrunched up his nose at her.
"I know naught of what you speak, chère amie. Now, would you like to assist me in adding the correct chemicals to this concoction? I think the pigments are a wee bit off."
Hermione could not speak. What is going on with this place today? Everyone seems to have switched personalities…except me. And when the heck did Neville learn to speak French?! she thought. And then to her great relief, the bell rang. Good, maybe there's a book on this I can read at the library.
Hermione made her way down to the library while contemplating her present situation. She didn't even notice when her head bumped against two red-haired ones.
"Fred, George, good to see you!" Hermione exclaimed, happy to see two of her friends. However, neither of them were right. Both of their heads were buried in books.
"Hermione," George chastised, looking briefly up at her from his immersion in Modern Potions: An Advanced Study, "Come on, you know how much studying we have to do." They pushed her out of the way.
"Now if you don't mind," Fred stated, "We need to get to the common room."
"Aren't you going to play wizard's chess or something? Practice Quidditch? Run amok?" Hermione pleaded, walking after them, hoping that all of this was just a bad dream.
"What's gotten into you?" George demanded, turning around. "To do foolish things like that when we've got a whole life to plan? I don't think so."
Hermione watched the twins as they sped off to the Gryffindor common room. That's it, she thought, something's got to be done about this!
--- --- ---
She ran down the hall, down to the dungeons when someone suddenly pulled her into a dark chamber on her left, her hair flying like brown tendrils about her face and her uniform whisking after her.
"What the – " she began, but was cut of by a sultry voice. She could not see the owner of the vocals, but she knew she had heard it somewhere…
"I see you're the only one who has escaped my master plan," the voice said, its body hidden by the dark shadows that were cast wildly about the room in an eerie light. Hermione frowned in the dark.
"What master plan?" she demanded, trying not to let her fear waver her voice.
"My plan to change everyone's personalities into their complete opposite!"
"But why?"
"Silence! I did not permit you to speak!"
"…"
"That's better. Now, my plan is to change everyone around so that they will see their flaws, and crown me their supreme ruler for showing them the error of their ways! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" The voice laughed sardonically, and Hermione could hear a bit of a foreign accent in his voice.
"Seems a little indirect, doesn't it?" she asked, feeling as if this wizard's plan wasn't exactly up to snuff.
"SILENCE!"
Hermione quieted herself once more before the man (sounded more like a young man) continued.
"I AM THE TRUE DARK LORD, BOW BEFORE ME!" he commanded.
"Not until you show me who you are," Hermione asked bravely. If she were to die now, she may as well see her attacker.
The man hesitated before speaking. "Very well," he said simply. He lit a candle and very slowly, dramatically, stepped into the light. Hermione gasped.
"OLIVER WOOD?!"
To be continued…
--- --- ---
A/N: So what'd you think? I was going more for comedy. My friend just had this wild idea like "what if Oliver were the real Dark Lord?" Thanks, Jenny ("Rated 'R' for extreme use of the word "hormones")! And I just went from there. Plus it was always funny to imagine Snape teaching love potions, Harry smoking, and the twins as nerds. Tell me what you think? Should I continue? Thanx! ^.~
[I, 333 words ß for Ms. Wells]