Jyn stares at herself in the mirror, seeing the circles painted under her eyes in resignation.
It has been weeks since Cassian and her had returned from Scarif, and the ache that resides deep in her chest does not want to leave. Jyn welcomes the pain, anything to make the numbness that waits at the edge a little less cold.
I'm sorry I failed you.
She pushes Bodhi, Baze and Chirrut out of her mind by force, her fingers combing through her hair listlessly.
Jyn is part of the Alliance now, or at least she thinks she is. Cassian has only recently emerged from the medical bay and spends most of his time watching her the same way she watches him, as if afraid that this is all a dream. They should be dead - atomised into air and space. It was the only reason she had allowed herself to lean into his touch, wrap herself around him so that for once in her life she could feel safe.
Cassian is someone she has not expected and now, she flounders about what to do. She cannot imagine life without him but a large part of her screams out at forming an attachment. Dependency breeds weakness she remembers Saw telling her when she was a child. It made being part of his militia more bearable, made the loss of her mother and father something she could swallow and push through.
Her father left.
Her mother died.
Saw abandoned her.
No one ever came back from her and Jyn had long since accepted that she wasn't someone worth coming back for.
That is until she met Cassian Andor.
Her hair slips through her hands, and Jyn eyes the vibroblade on the counter.
That crystal saved your life and Cassian's. The Force was with you that day Jyn.
Mon Mothma's words ring through and echo. Jyn can feel the pulsing warmth of the kyber crystal against her chest, the faint thrum of blue light a now constant presence. Cassian eyes the crystal warily but has not said a word, but Jyn notices that he gives her a wide berth now. She can't remember spending any time alone with him outside of the hours she had sat at his bedside when he was recuperating, her hands clasping his and her heart taking comfort in the steady rise and fall of his chest.
Probably realises that a broken woman like you would do him more harm than good.
Jyn sucks in a deep breath and clasps the vibroblade, gathers her hair into a tight bunch.
"Here goes nothing," she whispers before the blade slices through her dark brown locks. Jyn watches as years worth of solitude, loneliness and other emotions tumbles to the floor.
She blows a breath out through her mouth, pokes a toe at her hair as she tucks the shorter strands behind her ear. Jyn's eyes swallow up her face.
Turning swiftly on her heel she spares a quick glance at the clock - realises she has not much time before she has to report to her post - and almost runs into Cassian when she steps out of her room.
Cassian's dark brown eyes sweep her from head to toe and then zeroes in on her hair.
"Hey," Jyn says softly, resisting the urge to fidget. She doesn't know how to act around him, without any adrenaline and anger pounding through her veins.
Jyn feels the world still when Cassian reaches out to lightly brush against the bangs on her forehead.
"It looks good on you," he murmurs and his touch sends tingles across her skin. It had been doing that since well before Scarif and Jyn is terrified to acknowledge what it means.
"Thanks," she laughs nervously. "I need to get to my post before Kallus-"
"Oh," Cassian shakes his head. "Of course. Sorry. I had forgotten."
"How are you feeling?" Jyn probes, hoping for an honest answer.
The wry smile she receives in return dashes any hope of that. Cassian falls into step beside her and Jyn feels her tongue get tangled, her mind scrambling for something to break the silence.
"How is working with Kallus?"
Jyn rolls the questions around. "It's not too bad. He doesn't seem to expect the worse from me and doesn't mind working with a common criminal."
Cassian frowns at that.
"It's fine," Jyn waves away his concern with a flippant wave. "It wasn't as if I was expecting to be welcomed with open arms."
"But still. You are a hero. The others shouldn't-"
"It really is fine Cassian. It's not something you need to worry about," Jyn tells him firmly. Cassian gives her a scowl and she can't resist rolling her eyes.
"Erso, where the hell have you been? You're five minutes late," Kallus barked from the room down the corridor.
"She was catching me-"
"Save it Major Andor. As if anyone would believe that," Kallus cuts him off and eyeballs Jyn.
"Looks like I'm being summoned. I'll see you later?" Jyn lifts her voice at the end and tries to maintain some semblance of composure.
"Yes," Cassian nods and Jyn watches as he shifts his weight to his right knee.
"Should you even be up?"
"I'm not an invalid," Cassian counters.
"I didn't pray to the Force so that you could come back and be even more obstinate," Jyn realises what she's said and hurries through. "Just go sit at your desk and look impressively arrogant or something."
"Erso."
"You better go," Cassian's face is neutral. "I will see you at dinner." He looks like he wants to say something more but doesn't. Jyn waves at him as she jogs away.
Cassian watches her go and sees her shorter hair start to curl at the ends. It's a long time before he can make himself leave her.