Everyday, when I look at my wife, I am served with a painful reminder that what I do would crush her innocent and sweet nature. Julie, her name, and I have been married for ten years. Ten long years of being a family, just us two. Our earlier years were...much happier. We were young and happy and naive then. I would oftentimes find myself looking back at old photos and wishing I could go back and recapture some of that happiness again.

But I suppose that has more to do with easing my guilty conscious, than actually being happy with Julie.

Unfaithfulness did not start to creep into our lives and marriage until well into our ninth year together. And it wasn't as though I meant for this to happen. So, really, there is no need for thinking those vile things I know you are. There is no excuse for my behaviour, I know, but Helga was and is everything Julie is not. Helga is nostalgic and familiar and reminds me of home. I remember seeing her for the first time in well over fifteen years. Gerald and Phoebe and their anniversary party was the catalyst. And the night ended with me excusing myself and spending the night in a hotel with her. She knew I was married and without my knowledge slipped my wedding band from my finger while she did something ungodly to my ear with her tongue, then giddly told me she had placed it in my shirt pocket when I realized it was missing.

It was rather difficult at first to keep our relationship a secret, as we both had secular jobs during the day and found it hard to sneak away at night. However, our unsuspecting friends provided the perfect alibi. We knew it was too dangerous to meet everyday. And so we had our days planned around Sunday when I normally would watch football with Gerald. And of course there were times when Julie would be out for the day on some errand and I would surprise Helga. I would be lying if I said I didn't love her. That couldn't be the farthest from the truth. She knew I loved her. And she loved me too.

It was, in all respects, perfect.Until Fate and Consequence caught up with us. She was pregnant. With my child. I was devastated. And I realized how close we both came to being caught. My first reaction was to finally admit our wrongdoing to our respective partners before Helga came up with a better solution. Her boyfriend, Shawn, had recently suggested they go get married. She never gave a definate to him and this seemed all too convient. It was hatched then, our plan to cover our tracks. Helga would marry Shawn and inform him a few weeks after the wedding that she was pregnant. I wasn't thrilled with the idea, but it was for the best. Besides, Julie would be devastated, especially since we've always had difficulty conceiving.

The invitation to the wedding came in the mail two weeks ago and Julie squealed with excitement as she tore open the envelop and read to me the contents. And I was thankful Helga had not personalized mine.

It is with joy that
Helga Geraldine Pataki
and
Shawn Michael Warner
ask you to share
in a celebration of love
as we exchange our marriage vows
on Saturday, the fourth of December

I laughed mentally at the eloquant wording on the card. It certainly didn't sound like the Helga I knew. I knew I was bitter. That's why I laughed. I knew my time with Helga was over now that she was getting married. I suppose I should be happy, as I sit here and watch her repeat her vows to the lanky looking man facing her. I should be happy that I could finally try and recapture that happiness Julie and I once had. But I couldn't. All I wanted to do was get up and punch that guy in the face. Time seemed to crawl at a snail's pace once the reception began. Julie and Phoebe were gushing with Helga while I sulked over at the open bar. "Don't look so miserable, Arnold. You should be happy." Gerald has walked up to me with a concern look on his face and scoff before downing my third drink.

"It's not that simple," I hiss angrily before reaching for another. Gerald slaps my hand away and shakes his finger at me. "No more for you. You need to at least stay presentable." He eventually wanders off to find his wife, Phoebe, but I spy her first. She's burning holes into my head over the rim of her glasses as Helga walks toward me. She is the only other person who knows of our relationship. I don't know why she hasn't sold us out. But Helga claims it's because "this isn't high school and she isn't going to tattle on us."

Helga is closer to me than she had been in nearly 3 months. Her dress looked tighter around the middle, making her growing bulge a little obvious. Her voice is low as she speaks to me. "Arnold, are you absolutely certain we did the right thing?" she askes, with a glance back at her husband.

I gather a handful of peanuts before answering. "Shawn will think the baby's his. Why are you worried?"

Helga glares at me before gently tapping me on the forehead. "Not many people in the world have your head, Arnold," she says before turning to look at Shawn again.

"We'll worry about that when the baby's born." I ate the rest of my peanuts and began walking back to Julie before Helga caught my arm.

"You do realize that once you leave today...the baby is no longer yours."

That thought had crossed my mind. My stomach drops into my knees as I slowly nod my head. "I know. And I understand."

"And us...there is no more us. Okay?"

Shawn calls her name and waves her over. She releases my arm and begins to walk away. "I wish you the best, Mrs. Warner." She froze momentarily and her looks back at me with a forced smile. "Thank you, Arnold."

No more us...

The wedding had taken place 6 months ago. And yet it had been 2 weeks since I last saw Helga. There is no need to judge me either. You see, Helga and I haven't made any plans to sleep together. We've only been meeting for lunch, in very public places (though I don't know why I'm explaining myself to you). Besides, I wanted updates about the baby. She was after all, my DNA. It's a girl. And Helga and Shawn have decided on Miranda.

Julie and I arrive early and are seated by Shawn after a spur of the moment dinner invitation phone call. "Such a lovely home, don't you think Arnie?" Julie asked with a small smile.I nod absently as my vision has caught sight of Helga as she comes down the stairs. Her bright blond hair is in a braid trailing down her back and she is wearing a yellow maternity dress. Her baby bulge had gotten quite large and Helga had a rather uncomfortable look on her face the moment she looked at me. Julie squeals happily and runs over to Helga. She rubs her stomach in an attempt to feel the baby kick. I stand slowly with Shawn to my right. "I'm very excited," Shawn says quietly before turning back to look at me. He smiles at me before Helga walks up to us. "You look so good!" I exclaim with a horribly obvious fake smile and hugged her. It felt so good to hold her in my arms and I could feel the old emotions I tried burying in the back of my mind stirring. I didn't want to let her go. And I probably would not have if she hadn't pulled away from me. "We just finished the nursery a few days ago, why don't you two come look?" She seems flustered and she fans herself with her hand before leading us upstairs.

Inside the room, the walls are a soft pink. The crib is white with pink blankets and other accessories. "This is lovely, Helga." Julie admires the room and I can see her green eyes glisten with tears. I know how badly she wanted children and I can feel the irony jabbing me in the back of my mind as Helga walks past me while gently running her fingers over her stomach. Shawn's head appears and he promptly announces that dinner is ready. My pace is slow and I feel Helga grasp my arm before I even reach the door. I turn to face her and she throws her arms around my neck, burying her fingers into my hair. "I've missed you so much," she whispers softly as I burying my lips into her neck.

"You don't know how good it feels to hold you in my arms again." We pull apart for only a moment before we kiss. Helga breaks the embrace and places a gentle kiss on my neck. "We have to go back. Julie and Shawn are waiting."

As we return to the dining room, Julie and Shawn don't seem to mind that we were a few minutes late. For all they knew, we were old friends reminiscing. "So, tell us about the baby. She's gonna be born soon, right?" Julie asked as I took my seat beside her.

"Our due date is late June." Helga smiled before turning her attention to me. I didn't like the way she was looking at me. But what could I do? I certainly wasn't going to leave her. I still love her. "Arnold and I have been trying to start a family for a while now. We've been talking about adoption." She smiled at me and gently took my hand.

Without much warning, Helga jumps from her seat and disappeared into the kitchen. "Helga? Helga? Are you all right?" Shawn gets up and follows her. Julie eyes me for a moment when she notices the way I tense up.

"I hope the baby is okay." Julie squeezes my hand gently just as Shawn and Helga return.

"I had a little stomach pain," Helga explains and gently rubs her stomach. "We're fine now." She looks at me and I knew then that letting go was going to be harder than I thought.