Kakos: Hey, everyone! I'm writing a humor fic! Coolies!

Yami B: NOOOOOOOOO! She's doing stupid humor! Why oh why are you doing stupid humor?

Kakos: Because I felt like it.

Ryou: I think it's a good idea; these fics are popular.

Yami B: This is an amnesia fic.

Ryou: NOOOOOOOOOO! She's doing amnesia humor! Why oh why are you doing amnesia humor?

Kakos: *blush-blush* You guys have to play along, you're the stars! Now who wants to do the disclaimer?

Ryou: Kakos does not—

Yami B: *knocks Ryou unconscious with a frying pan* Kakos doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh! And she doesn't own the Pixies, whose song she's using at the beginning here! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! …Hey, these lyrics are a pathetic attempt at a joke at my pain and suffering with amnesia!

Kakos: Shut up, and on with the fic!

~ Where is My Mind? ~

Chapter One: We're Off to See the Pharaoh, the Wonderful Pharaoh of Oz


With your feet in the air
And your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it (yeah, yeah)
Your head will collapse
And there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself:
"Where is my mind? Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?"
—"Where is My Mind?" by the Pixies

One day at the Bakura household…

Ryou could hear the sounds of laughter coming from the den. His yami was watching television AGAIN. It seemed that all he did nowadays was just lie around on the couch and eat Cheez Whiz right from the can. And Ryou was starting to worry.

Well, now wasn't the time to worry. It was time to clean.

Ryou turned on the vacuum cleaner and proceeded to vacuum the tile in the kitchen, though why he didn't know. He really should mop. Oh right, Yami broke the mop, he thought bitterly. Dammit, I told him it wasn't a limbo stick.

In the den Ryou heard his yami turn the television up louder. He sighed inwardly and moved onto the den. Now that room was a room in need of vacuuming. His yami tended to be a pig, so the floor was covered in crumbs of various snacks and littered with wrappers and empty soda cans and oddly enough underwear. Soiled underwear. Ryou shuddered at the thought of how such underwear could get into the den, and tried to push it out of his head.

Bakura turned the television up again. When Ryou moved to vacuum in front of it, he craned his neck awkwardly in an attempt to see the tube. "MOVE!" he barked.

"What?" cried Ryou. "I can't hear you over the vacuum!"

"MOVE OUTTA THE WAY!"

"WHAT?"

"I SAID—"

Ryou switched off the vacuum cleaner.

"MOVE!"

He screamed so loud all the pictures fell off the wall. Ryou shuddered. "Yami! Look what you've done!"

"Yeah, yeah." He turned the television back down to regular volume and kept watching it. "Why are you cleaning, anyway? The house is fine."

"This house is a complete mess!"

Bakura looked around at all the trash and dirty clothes. "Yeah, that's totally your opinion. You're so womanly; why aren't you wearing your apron?" he teased.

"It's in the laundry," said Ryou with a blush. Bakura turned back to the television. Ryou put his hands on his hips. "Can't you get off your bum and do something?"

"But I'm watching 'Monk.'"

"Ooh, with Tony Shaloub?"

"The one and only."

Ryou sat down beside his yami and watched the show.

An hour or so later…

"Wait a minute," said Ryou suddenly during the commercial. "Shouldn't we be doing something?"

Bakura sighed and turned off the television. "This is a yaoi? No one told me. I'm not even in the mood."

"No, it's not a yaoi."

"A beating fic? I love those!" Bakura raised a fist.

Ryou scooted away from him. "No, no!"

"…How about a silly humor fic?"

"Yeah, that'll work. So my yami, go out and, uh, get a job?"

"No."

"Go to school in my place and wreak havoc?"

"Tempting, but no."

"Meet up with authors who put themselves in the Yu-Gi-Oh universe in a pathetic attempt to make their lives seem interesting?"

"God no."

"Get Yami Yuugi's puzzle?"

Bakura perked up. "Hmm. Now there's an interesting thought. Steal that damnable pharaoh's puzzle."

"It's certainly an original enough idea. I don't think there's ever been a fic where you try that."

(At this point the authoress would like to say that she personally has never read a fic where that happened.)

Bakura stood and stretched. "All right then, I'm off to get the puzzle. But first, a question. Any ideas why we have separate bodies?"

Ryou thought a moment. "Uh…convenience?"

"Good enough for me. See ya!"

So good old evil Bakura went over to the Motou home…

"Wow, this is convenience!" said Bakura as he walked up to the Motou residence and pounded on the door.

Yuugi's grandfather opened the door, shrieked, and promptly shut it again.

"Gee, that's never happened before." Bakura knocked again, and again the geezer opened the door, again shrieked, and again promptly shut it.

"This is getting old!" He pounded on the door, and this time when the old man opened it, he stuck his foot in so he couldn't shut it. "Why won't you let me in?" he demanded.

"Because!" cried Yuugi's grandfather (the authoress doesn't know his name…). "Last time I saw you, you knocked me out! Remember? In that episode where you fight that lame Bones character in the cemetery? You hit me, and I was like, 'No! Not again!' and the authoress laughed and laughed because it was really quite funny…"

"All right, all right, shut up, I don't need your life's story, you old fart." Bakura stepped into the Motou place as Grandpa shut the door. "Wow," gasped Bakura, "this place smells nice!"

"Uh, right. So what are you here for?" He drew back in fear. "Are you here to knock me unconscious again?"

"Eh, maybe on the way out. I'm here to see the pharaoh."

"Oh. Well, he's upstairs in Yuugi's room."

Bakura made a face. "I'm not surprised." Bakura climbed up the stairs and wandered down the hallway until he found Yuugi's room. Bakura knew he was in the right place because the room was filled with pathetic games. Plus, the pharaoh was just sitting there in a beanbag chair playing with a Gameboy.

"Dammit, Mario," he was muttering under his breath, "why won't you jump higher?"

Bakura decided he should act sly and evil, so he leaned up against the doorframe, folded his arms, and thought pointy-haired thoughts. "So we meet again, Pharaoh."

"Not right now, Thief, I'm kinda busy."

"That's Thief King."

"Uh-huh. I'm trying to rescue Princess Toadstool."

"Why?"

"Because someone has to."

Bakura growled lowly (and sexily). This was not going how he planned. Not that he had planned anything. "Listen up, Pharaoh. I'm here for your puzzle."

"Really? I've never read a fic where that happened before."

(The authoress would again like to say she's never read a fic where this happened.)

"Well, I'm demanding that stupid puzzle now, so that I may get unimaginable power and destroy the world! So fork it over—or do we have to go into a Shadow Game?"

"Aw, you don't really want to put a serious moment in this, do you? We're doing stupid humor."

"BUT I'M AN ACTOR, DAMMIT!"

A toilet across the hall flushed and Yuugi entered the room, a bit of toilet paper stuck to his foot. He glanced at his yami, then at Bakura, and then back at his yami. "Did I miss something here?"

Bakura rolled his eyes. "Read your script."

Yuugi whipped out his copy of the script, skimmed through it, and then put it back wherever he had it. "Oh, right, never mind. My bad."

"Right, so anyway—" Bakura thrust a finger at the pharaoh. "I DEMAND YOU DUEL ME!"

"Do you know how sick that sounds?" asked Yami, furiously tapping away at the Gameboy. "Dammit, Mario, just go down the freakin' tube!"

"C'mon, pharaoh, just duel me!"

"Okay, fine."

Bakura sat in front of him and started shuffling his cards. Yuugi went and sat on the bed, legs swinging inches above the ground because he's so short. Yeah, the authoress put this little description in here just to make a short joke. A bad short joke. Yami paused his game and whipped out his deck. Wow, that sounded kinda sick too. After shuffling it for an absurd amount of time and drawing his cards, he laid down a few magic cards, traps, and monsters.

"Okay, I set up this, this, and this."

Bakura drew his own cards. "All right, I summon DESTINY BOARD."

Yami made that face with the little 'o' and the big 'o'. o.O Yeah, that one. "Are you joking?" he asked. "Do you honestly think that card ever accomplishes anything?"

"Well, it would," said Bakura bitterly, "if the dub didn't change it to read 'final' instead of 'death'. Honestly, would you be afraid if your ouija board read 'final'? That would only strike fear into the hearts of college students who hadn't studied for their finals! What were the dubbers thinking?"

"I dunno, but I'm thinking that this duel is over." Yami Yuugi flipped over his traps and monsters and somehow destroyed all of Bakura's life points. Never mind how exactly.

"Dammit." Bakura threw his cards all over the floor because he's a sore loser. "Should I try to take your puzzle by force then?"

Yami Yuugi sat examining his nails. "Ah, no, wouldn't risk it if I were you."

"Oh. Well, all right then. Had fun, see ya next week, gotta go knock your grandfather unconscious." Bakura bid them ado and went to walk out of the room.

Yami Yuugi suddenly spied a brick sitting beside him. "Hey, look, a plot prop." He picked it up and hurled it at Bakura, striking him in the back of the head. Bakura hit the ground with a thud and lay unconscious. Yuugi jumped off the bed and hovered over the prostrate body.

"Yami," said Yuugi warningly. "That wasn't very nice."

"You're absolutely right," agreed Yami Yuugi with a broad smile on his face as he joined his aibou above poor Bakura.

"Well, now you gotta take care of it."

"What should I do?"

"I dunno. Take him to a hospital or back to Ryou's house or something. He certainly can't stay here—his outfit clashes with the color scheme of this room."

Yami Yuugi studied the bright reds and blues and yellows of the room, and then looked at the pale greens and blues of Bakura's outfit. "Wow, you're absolutely right. Hey, can I ask you something? Why do we have separate bodies?"

Yuugi thought a moment. "Convenience?"

"Yeah, good enough for me." Yami Yuugi grabbed Bakura's foot and started to drag him out of the room.

"Now you put him somewhere safe, Yami!" ordered Yuugi. "Don't just throw him in a dumpster or leave him in the street or something! I mean it!"

Yami Yuugi snickered. "Oh, I'll put him someplace good all right…"

"Safe, I said, not good!"


Kakos: Coolies! Chapter one's done! What's gonna happen next? Where's Bakura gonna end up? Will Grandpa be knocked unconscious? Why does everyone have separate bodies?

Ryou: Wow, Yami Yuugi is kinda mean.
Kakos: Hell, you're all out of character.

Yami B: I can't believe I lost that duel! And then I got hit with a brick—a brick! Sheesh, do you think the mighty Thief King Bakura-sama could be felled by a pathetic brick?

Kakos: *points at the lines of text* You can be and you were, so quit your bitchin'.

Yami B: Mutter, mutter, mutter.

Kakos: Stay tuned for the next chapter, The Morning After!

Ryou: The morning after what?

Kakos: Quiet, you.