Chances and Choices
A JAG Short Story
Written by Matthew R. White
© October 12, 2013
Based on the Characters and series created by Donald P. Bellisario
...
Historian's Note: This story takes place during the episode Fair Winds and Following Seas written by Stephen Zito.
Author's Note: The question, why did Harm and Mac wait until the last minute to finally confront their feelings, has haunted JAG fans everywhere. I've included the apartment scene where Harm and Mac finally come to terms with their feelings. The internal dialogue is from Sarah's POV.
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14:28 ZULU
April 26, 2005
Bethesda Naval Hospital, Bethesda MD
Lt. Colonel Sarah "Mac" MacKenzie strode off the elevator and walked down a corridor which now had become all too familiar to her. Since last October, she had been visiting an office at the hallway's end.
Two days ago, her CO had made an announcement which had shaken her to her very core; an event she had secretly dreaded yet knew was somehow, inevitable. Reassignment, not only for her, but for her closest friend, Commander, no, Captain Harmon Rabb Jr., was now less than twenty four hours away.
I still haven't discussed things with him, she thought, reaching the end of the hallway. Why am I hesitating?
It was this very issue which was foremost on Sarah MacKenzie's mind.
The sessions with Lt. Commander Victoria McCool had been a lifeline this past year, helping Mac cope with issues she had buried all her life. With Vicky's guidance, Mac had been able to sort through and make some sense of the direction her life had taken.
After only a few sessions Sarah realized she had been pushing away the one man who truly cared about her, a fact which became very clear to her last Christmas Eve. Harm normally went to the Vietnam Memorial every year as a tribute to his father, but forfeited the visit to stay by her bedside. Knowing how very important the yearly ritual was to him caused her to realize that he still cared deeply about her.
Sarah and Harm reconnected that weekend and even though they still had not taken the next step, they had managed to right their relationship, despite the stormy seas they were navigating through.
Mac gently tapped on the door.
"Come in," she heard from inside.
"Mac, please, have a seat," said McCool as she rounded her desk to greet her client.
"Thanks for taking the time to see me on such short notice, Vicky. I really appreciate this."
The two women sat in the couch across from each other. Vicky opened her steno pad and made a few notes.
"So, Mac, what's going on with you?"
Sarah let out a deep sigh before beginning, "In Harm's words; my whole life just got turned upside down."
"How are things between you and Harm, any progress there?" Vicky asked.
"I think so, he finally took me to see Mattie, last night," Mac replied. "He's starting to open up a little."
"How did that make you feel?"
"It was nice not to be shut out for a change. I missed being there for him."
In a previous session, Mac had told Vicky about the accident which had left Mattie in a coma, possibly paralyzed from the neck down. Harm's subsequent withdrawal had been an issue they were working through. Her mind drifted back to a session almost two months ago.
...
Harm knows you are in therapy, Mac, Vicky had said. He may not want to add to your burdens.
But I want to help him, to be there for him. I want him to know he's not alone. Damn him anyway! We were starting to make some progress before this happened. I even planned on discussing our future together once I returned from San Diego.
How did you find out?
I spoke with Harm the night Mattie was hospitalized and I knew something was wrong even though he didn't say anything. But I was in a rush and was distracted by other issues. I didn't find out until I returned to Washington.
But you knew something was wrong?
I can't explain how, I just knew. When Harm's plane went down a few years ago I sensed it. Damn, I should have trusted my intuition.
Maybe he didn't want you to worry, Mac, there wasn't anything you could do. You were thousands of miles apart.
I could have flown home to be with him, replied Mac. It was the last night of the conference and we were just having dinner with the General. If I had known Harm needed me, I would have caught the next flight back.
Sarah, it's possible that Harm wasn't thinking clearly. Remember how you were feeling a few months ago? Vicky added.
...
"Colonel?" said Vicky, bringing her back to the here and now.
"I'm sorry, what was your question?"
"I asked you to tell me what has turned your world upside down?"
"Sorry, I was just remembering something." Sarah went on to explain the announcement which the General had made two days ago. She was being reassigned to San Diego and Harm was heading to London. "We're going to have eight time zones and five thousand four hundred eighty nine miles between us," she finished.
"Have you decided what to do about it, yet?"
"I have no idea," retorted Mac. "Hell I don't even know where Harm and I are at right now. Organized insanity seems to be the story of our lives."
"Have you considered maintaining a long distance relationship? Doing so might solve a few problems, give you some time to sort things out."
"The idea of having almost six thousand miles between me and my significant other doesn't appeal to me. Besides, my chances of conceiving are already too low. Being so far apart would effectively drop my chances of getting pregnant from four percent, to zero," Sarah quipped, sardonically.
"So you are still considering trying to have a child with him."
"I haven't told you this yet. One idea Harm and I discussed over the Christmas holiday, was natural conception through energetic and very frequent love making. By very frequent, he meant every spare moment we could find. It's kind of hard to be intimate when you're half a world apart."
"How did you feel about that? Did his suggestion make you feel pressured?"
"We were both making light conversation, and I didn't take him too seriously, but I know him well enough to understand he was ready and willing as soon as I was."
"A few sessions ago you told me that the two of you shared the same bed that weekend. Were you thinking about taking things further?" asked Vicky.
"I did think about it. I think part of me was hoping something would happen, but I knew it wouldn't unless I initiated it. Harm is too much of a gentleman to ever take advantage of me. I don't know very many men whom I could share a bed with and not have to worry about them making an unwelcome advance."
"The two of you have shared a bed before?"
Sarah nodded, "Yes although I'm not sure sleeping out in the woods of Appalachia, just trying to keep warm, counts as sharing a bed."
"A few weeks ago, you told me you were ready to broach the subject of intimacy with him. I assume you are still ready to pursue that avenue."
"Yes, I am. To be honest, I've been considering it for some time; since Christmas."
"But you haven't told him yet?"
"I haven't had the chance," said Sarah. "I wanted to wait until we knew more about Mattie's condition before I discussed the subject with him. I'm sure he wasn't in the right frame of mind to talk about it last week. I'm still not sure he is. And now we have to deal with our reassignment. We both knew it would happen one day but we didn't expect it to be so soon."
"Reassignment is part of the military life. When do you leave?"
"Tomorrow afternoon," Sarah sighed. She stood and walked to the window, looking in the direction of Union Station and Harm's apartment. Are you as confused as I am, Harm?
"Then the two of you don't have a lot of time," Vicky observed, dryly. "Let me ask you a few questions. Try to answer as honest as you can. Do you love him?"
"Yeah, I do," she answered immediately.
"Are you in love with him?"
Sarah thought about that a bit before she responded, "Yes, I am."
"Does he love you?"
"Yes, he does," Sarah replied, without hesitation.
"Has he told you he loves you?"
"Not in so many words."
"But he told you he wanted to be a part of your life a year ago," Vicky countered. "Isn't that the same thing?"
"I suppose one could make an argument for that," she replied, the litigator in her making its presence known.
"Do you think he is in love with you?"
Sarah paused, but only briefly, "Yes, I'm pretty sure he is."
"Well, I would think the two of you have some decisions to make."
Turning to look out the window, Sarah smiled to herself, remembering what Harm had told her after they finished with the General. A lot of decisions need to be made, and I'm not talking about staffing decisions. She turned away from the window and faced Vicky.
"It's funny; Harm said almost the very same thing to me."
"It sounds to me like he is opening the door. Are you ready to step through it?"
Sarah paused and looking around the room for a moment. "There is only one problem. One of us has to give up our career if we want to stay together."
"Quite likely."
"I don't want to leave the Marine Corps, and I know Harm doesn't want to leave the Navy."
"Let's forget Harm for a moment. Let's talk about you. Just for the sake of argument what would have happened if you had conceived a child with him at Christmas?"
"When I said we had slept together, I really meant sleep. I didn't mean we made love…"
"I know, but stay with me a moment. You did consider it so let's pretend it happened, and it resulted in a pregnancy. In light of your advanced endometriosis, your physician would probably order bed rest halfway through your term. How would that scenario affect your career?"
Mac slowly strode back to the couch and sat down. This was a question she hadn't considered.
"I don't know," she replied, the pensiveness evident in her voice. "I suppose if I was pregnant with his child, we would get married and one of us would have to leave JAG. It wouldn't make sense for Harm to resign as I'd have to…"
Sarah stopped when she realized the implications.
"This is an issue the two of you will face anyway if you chose to have a family, Sarah."
"I hadn't thought about that, until now."
"You mentioned something your friend Harriet told you about carrying a child when we first started counseling. What was it she had said?"
"Carrying a child was a spiritual experience," said Mac. "She said her career didn't even hold a candle to being an expectant mother."
"So you have to ask yourself; what do you want, Sarah MacKenzie?"
Mac considered everything they had been through and where she would be now if she and Harm had connected sooner. I might have already been a full time mom.
"I want to be with Harm, and if possible, I want to carry his child, our child."
"Enough to give up your career?" Vicky asked.
"If I need to," she replied, thinking, I can't believe I'm saying this.
"Mac, consider this, there may be other options besides the two you both have been offered. Keep your mind open to the possibilities."
"Who knows," chuckled Mac, "Maybe I can convince Harm to retire, he has enough years in."
"Maybe you can," said Vicky. "Seize the day. Let tomorrow take care of itself."
Commander McCool looked over at the clock. Sarah already knew it was almost time for Vicky's next appointment. They both stood up from the couch. "Let me know when you get settled, Mac. I can always setup a phone appointment and I happen to know a few good therapists in the San Diego facility. If you end up in London I can probably find a few names over there."
"Thanks, Vicky," said Sarah, as the two women embraced. "I'll be sure to do that."
Sarah MacKenzie walked out of the office and down the familiar hallway with a feeling of contentment. She decided that she wasn't going to worry about their career issues. She was going to see him tonight and one way or another, they were going to work things out so they could be together, and no other outcome was possible.
...
01:15 ZULU
Harm's Apartment, North of Union Station
Sarah had spent the rest of the day packing knowing she was running out of time. Harm didn't know she was ready for the next step; her session with Commander McCool had brought that fact to life. As far as Harm was concerned, she still needed time so Sarah knew she was going to have to broach the subject with him. When she stepped off the elevator, she noticed his apartment door was already open. Packed boxes were scattered, both inside and outside. For a moment, she leaned against his door frame watching him pack as the sound of the tape dispenser jarred her thoughts. It was a sound she had grown to despise.
"Hey," she finally said, announcing her presence.
"Hey yourself," replied the tall naval aviator, turned lawyer.
"There's something so final about a packed suitcase."
"Yeah, not to mention an entirely packed apartment," Sarah blew out a breath before he continued, "What about you, you packed?"
"Not completely," she offered. She watched him continue to stack and move boxes like a man on a mission. You need to tell him, how you feel.
Drawing all her inner strength, Mac commented, "Let's talk about…a…you and me."
Harm's back was to her but he stopped what he was doing and replied, "Neither one of us…"
"Wants' to be the first to say goodbye," she finished for him. "Yeah, I know the song. We've been singing it for years."
Slowly turning around to face her, Harm replied, "Mac, I don't think I will ever feel about anyone else, the way I feel about you."
Sarah felt herself flush, she looked down and away, tilting her head slightly. It wasn't the, I love you, she was looking for, but then it had always been difficult for him to express his feelings.
"That's very flattering. One piece of advice; don't share that with your wife, whoever she might be. She might not understand." Where the hell did that come from? she asked herself.
But Harm wasn't put off by her comment. Instead, he replied, "Do you understand?"
"Why we can't make it work? Why we've let fate decide our futures? No, I don't," she replied, having asked herself those very questions countless times over the same number of sleepless nights.
Sarah took a seat at the counter when Harm suddenly asked, "Let me ask you a personal question. Of all the men in your life, what was it that attracted you to them?"
It was a fair question and she could answer honestly. Sighing she said, "Well, they wanted me, and they let me know it."
"I wanted you, you knew that."
Harm stopped what he was doing and sat next to her. Yes I did know, Harm, but I wanted you to tell me.
"Harm, no woman wants to be a mind reader," she reasoned. "And with you there's always complications, another woman, work, searching for your father…" Sarah knew she was vacillating, pushing him away, again. Why am I doing this? Am I afraid?
"That's all in the past," he offered, his voice pulling her from thought. She had his undivided attention now.
"Is it?" she asked. I need to know, she told herself. Open up to me, Harm.
"Mac, we have twelve hours…"
"We've had nine years." If we don't know how we feel now, we never will.
"Maybe I just needed a deadline?"
Sarah felt a wave of emotion pass over her as she saw him drop his defenses. A beautiful smile lit up her face, "Well you've got one now, sailor."
As they drew closer, their lips met in a tender kiss which quickly deepened into a fiery crescendo, as nine years of restrained passion rose to the surface. Sarah knew they had crossed the threshold and there would be no turning back.
"What are you proposing?" she asked, between kisses. "And that's not a Freudian slip."
"I'm proposing," he replied. "Let's get married."
Her heart jumped as another wave of passion overcame them. One question answered, she thought.
"In London?" she breathed, still caught in the moment.
"London works for me," replied Harm.
I'll bet it does, flyboy, I'm willing to give up my career for you, are you willing to do the same for me?
"Well, San Diego works for me," she countered.
They looked into each other's eyes, "That's always been the five hundred pound gorilla in the room," Harm began.
"If we get married, one of us has to give up our Navy careers," she finished for him.
"Well, we could wait 'til I retire."
"Yeah, what's another decade or so, uh?"
"I love you, Mac," he finally admitted, for the first time ever. "But I don't want to give up my Navy career and you don't want to give up the Marine Corps."
"So we're right back where we started," said Sarah, her heart sinking to her feet.
"Do you believe in fate," Harm suddenly asked.
"Well, it put us together, sort of."
"Fate could keep us together, forever."
Perhaps it was the fact they had been together so long, but Sarah knew instinctively where her future husband was going with this. He is willing to sacrifice his career for me, she thought, as another impassioned kiss overwhelmed them. She knew it would be a coin toss which would settle the impasse. They would both put their careers on the line for each other. One of them would lose their careers, but in the end they both would be winners.
"Are we going to do this here," she asked, breaking the passion.
"I'd rather share the outcome with our friends," he said. "Let's get everyone to meet at McMurphy's in about an hour. I'll have Bud bring his JAG coin."
"You make the calls. I have to run home to shower and change. We can continue this later," she said, referring to their impassioned encounter.
She broke away and waltzed to the door, pausing just before she reached the threshold. Turning back to him she said, "I love you too, Harm. I always have."
END