Disclaimer: I don't own DA or its characters. They belong to Cameron and Eglee. I'm just playing with them.
Summary: A female 09er greets a new year without her departed CO. Post- AJBAC.
A/N: I know I've done a lot of grieving Zack fics in the past, but I felt inspired by the holidays and the idea wouldn't leave me alone. I hope you like it and that you find it at least a little bit different from the rest of my stories.
A/N2: Keep in mind that neither of the 09ers knew what happened to Zack in AJBAC, they just know he is back at Manticore but they don't know he killed himself to save Max. Also, her thoughts might appear to be all mixed up on some parts, distracting herself with some ideas and then going back to some earlier ones, but I wanted to write this as similar to a train of thought as I could and we don't really think in a straight line.
AN3: I wanted to get this out before the holidays so it's not betaed. Forgive the mistakes.
"A toast to you" by X5898The clock reads 1205 hours, it's New Years already. I never knew it was possible, the world existing without you, the world living on without you. Yet, here it is. A new year has come and for the first time, you are not part of it. Here I sit, 5 minutes into a new beginning, atop the highest building on San Francisco and I still can't believe it. I don't think any of us can. I know Zane still expects you to come through the door, gun in waist, a firm set of the chin, with your strong look that makes us follow to wherever you want to lead us and start ordering people around. You were always there when we needed you. Starting again without you seems bizarre, pointless even. How are we supposed to survive?
It's 1215 and I can hear screaming and singing and music and dancing. I can hear people laughing. There's light all over the city, no matter the hour. Everyone is partying, having a good time. Their hearts are full of hope at the chance to start again, full of hope on what's to come. I hate them for it. Hidden in my tall refugee, I look down on them and an unreasonable rage fills my veins. How can they acclaim this new year? How can they look forward to what it may bring? Don't they see? Don't they understand? All it can bring to me is sorrow, pain. How can I be happy for a pointless future, when I'm still stuck in the past? When all I can think of now are those words spoken to me, that have been haunting me for weeks? I hate Syl for being the bearer of such horrible news. I curse her mouth for the grief she brought me. It's irrational, I know, but a part of me wishes her tongue would speak no more. Seems like I've been having tons of irrational thoughts lately. But somehow, that doesn't worry me anymore.
It's 1230 now. You know, at first they couldn't understand. Syl and Krit that is. They came to me with some lame ass rescue mission to come back for you. What was the point? And how could we take on Manticore by ourselves to begin with? They knew we were coming now. I laughed at them and they stared at me. They were scared, I could tell. Even more scared than I've ever seen them look at Deck before. Whether for their health or my mental one, I'm not sure. But I couldn't really blame them. No, not at all. I even frightened myself. Well, if I were able to feel anything that is, anything but this void. The sound that escaped my mouth did not resemble a laugh at all, it didn't even resemble my voice. I had to actually spell it out to them, they are naive like that, our siblings. I don't think any of them ever knew you as well as I do. You loved them so much but sometimes I wonder if you didn't deserve better. The thought hadn't even occurred to them: you couldn't be MIA, you weren't MIA. You would never get stuck in Manticore again. You had vowed to die before going back there so many times before, but after what happened to Tinga, I knew you would go to any lengths necessary to avoid being used against us again. Because it wasn't your fault, it wasn't your fault at all but you wouldn't believe my words. It was Maxie's actions which forced you to go back to Manticore, it was Tinga's decisions that led to her death. Yet, you would blame only yourself because we were your responsibility and that responsibility got you killed. Because you died, of that I'm sure. I know you either killed yourself or forced them to do it. I know it because I can't feel you any more, I can no longer feel your presence in this world.
It's 1245. Remember how I used to slip into your bed, late at night, back at Manticore? Even when I was older, on the outside, and you came to check up on me. I would face away from you, back to back. We would never speak about it the next morning, because soldiers don't do that, but I still knew you thought I did it searching for comfort. You were right, I felt safe there, with you, our backs touching to feel each other's presence. You comforted me because I knew you had my back. But my comfort came mostly from the idea that I also had yours. I knew that for those few hours I was there to protect you as well. That nothing would happen to you and I would make sure of that. You wouldn't leave us. For those few moments I was sure no harm would come to you and if it did, that I would be dead already; killed trying to save you. I knew I wouldn't be around to see what a world without you looked like. What a foolish little girl I was. The truth is, I wasn't there when it counted. And here I am, alive, facing what I thought I would never have to face: having to find out what it feels to start a new year without you, looking at a world that lives on without you. And guess what? I don't like it, I don't like it one bit.
It's 1259 already, the year is growing old. I raise my glass towards the heavens and I toast to you Zack. You were my brother, my leader, my everything. I'm really sorry I wasn't there to keep you alive… or to spill my blood alongside you. Funny, you died the same way you lived: having everyone's backs but with nobody having yours. Yes, funny, except not at all.
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"Happy New Year." The female figure drank from her glass of wine, downed it all in one go. And as the clock reached 1:00 o'clock in the morning on that first hour of 2021, a single shot rang near the sky, in the highest building of San Francisco. A single shot unheard above the music playing in the noisy streets, full of people partying their worries away.