"Ranma In Revue"
Disclaimer (CMA): The characters and settings used in this story are the property of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogagukan, Kitty TV, and Viz Communications. They are used here without permission, but with no malicious or libelous intent. The author receives no compensation for this work aside from peer reviews.
Hey there! How can I help you? Dojo? Yeah, I'm Saotome. So you're interested in joining? Well, I was just on my way down there. Too bad it's such a rainy day. I hate rain. And here I am, smack dab in the middle of all this cold and wet. That's a bad thing for a guy who changes sex with cold water. At least I've got an umbrella.
Yeah, it's a long, weird, story… it all started back when I was about 16. I was really into martial arts back then. Well, I still am, but now I've got kids to worry about, so the only practice I get nowadays is at the Dojo. But anyway, back then my old man insisted we go test our skills at this 'legendary' training ground in China by the name of Jyusenkyo. Ever heard of it? Eh, I didn't think you would've; it's miles out of the way of anywhere.
The guide there, I bet he thought we were just there to look around—well, was he ever wrong. Of course, it wasn't until Pops and I were leaping from pole to pole, beating the tar out of each other, that this guy decided to warn us about the 'Cursed Springs.' "Each one have own tragic legend!" he says. 'Sure, that's nice,' I was thinking. 'But what's it to us? We're just here to train.'
And then, then things got strange. I finally got a couple kicks in under Pops' defenses, and knocked him into the water. But he didn't come back up. Naw, instead of my old man, this huge panda jumped up out of the pool. Strange thing was, the panda was wearing Pops' gi and glasses. So, Pops—since that's who the panda turned out to be—took advantage of my little shock, and I took a dip, too.
I came up a new man—er, woman. Yeah, that's what they call the 'true horror' of Jyusenkyo: anyone who falls into the water is cursed to transform with cold water. Lucky for me, hot water changes me back, but hot water's a lot harder to run into by accident.
And would you believe, only two weeks after that whole ordeal, Pops finally told me about some engagement he got me into nearly from birth? He and his old friend Tendo had agreed a long time ago that I would marry one of Tendo's daughters. Now, I can't say it was entirely a bad thing. I mean, I had my choice of three tremendously cute girls; how can that be bad?
Well, the youngest—Akane—she found ways. Okay, this jerk named Kuno had made a challenge to the school's entire male population that "any boy who wants to date Akane Tendo must first defeat her in combat." What a moron. When he met me, he got all upset about me being too "familiar" with Akane; and when he saw my girl form, he was more interested in dating me than challenging me. He never got it through his skull that me and his "Pig-Tailed Girl" were one and the same. He'd try to bash my head in as a guy, and get me on a date as a girl. Jeez, so many people were like that back then.
And the whole 'combat' thing completely turned Akane off to guys. It's a shame, too; I mean, sure, I called her 'uncute' all the time, but I was just teasing her. She really was cute, especially when she wasn't so angry. When she smiled… man, I loved it when she smiled. Still do, as a matter of fact. Yeah, that's right, we finally went through with the marriage. Arranged though it was, we both ended up admitting that we had… feelings for each other. I do kinda wish there hadn't been so many interruptions, though.
I guess it didn't help that Pops had gotten me engaged to a couple of other girls, too. I didn't find out about them until after I met Akane, though. One of them, Kuonji Ukyou, I didn't even know she was a girl until she showed up telling me we were engaged! I'd always thought of her as 'Ucchan,' my best friend, and a guy. Shows what I know, ne? Well, it wasn't easy, but I got those other engagements called off one way or another.
Then there was one girl that I accidentally got myself engaged to. Xian Pu, a Chinese Amazon; better known as 'Shampoo,' for her name, and her extraordinary skills with Amazon Shiatsu Hair Products. Actually, at first, I didn't get engaged to her; rather, she was out to kill me. That's because I'd defeated her as a girl, and her tribe's laws said that "any female Outsider who defeats one of the Tribe must be given the Kiss of Death." That basically means they'll hunt you down to the ends of the earth to have your hide.
Well, she tracked me all over China, and even back to Japan, trying to kill me. When she showed up at the Tendos', it was all I could do not to jump out of my skin! But, at the time, I was a guy—she'd never met me as a guy, so she didn't try to kill me then. And then I ended up defeating her in 'battle' again. It was completely by accident, but she didn't seem to care—because, apparently, the flip side of that law was that "any male Outsider who defeats one of the Tribe must be given the Kiss of Marriage," effectively getting me engaged to her, as well. Unfortunately, she was still set on murdering my girl form.
'Hectic' doesn't even begin to describe the years afterward. If it wasn't Ryouga—another of my childhood, uh, 'friends'—out for revenge, it was Ukyou or Shampoo (or more often, both) trying to pry me away from Akane, or sometimes Akane swatting me into orbit with a mallet for getting myself glomped by the other girls.
Things have gone pretty well since those times, though. Akane and I, like I said, are married; Ryouga finally called a truce, and settled down with a nice girl, Akari, I think was her name; Shampoo and her friend Mousse—the guy gives myopia a bad name—they worked things out and got hitched; and Ucchan? I'm not entirely sure what's going on with her. She's still in Nerima, running her okonomiyaki restaurant, but in all the time since, I've never seen her so much as holding hands with a guy. Poor girl. She's cute and all when she wants to be, but I wonder if she'll ever come to terms with herself, and stop speaking and acting like a guy.
It wasn't long after our marriage that Akane and I decided to move to the States. I thought it was a waste of time; she said it was a 'Land of Opportunities.' More like a 'Land of Fast Food.' I swear, there's a McDonald's on every corner, and the spaces between are filled with Burger King and Wendy's! I guess I can't complain too much; they taste better than Akane's cooking—which, to tell you the truth, is getting better.
Anyway, we got ourselves a little apartment here in downtown, and the Dojo's in this ground-level storefront we're renting. I don't know what possessed Akane to want to start the Dojo in America. The only martial arts they know is Jackie Chan and Jet Li. Well, that was my first impression; I guess there are some people here that actually take the Art seriously. I mean, those guys are good, but there's only so much skill you can show onscreen. I've always said it takes hands-on training to really appreciate martial arts.
Amazingly enough, we've actually had quite a few interested people show up. Some of them were other Japanese martial artists who had come to the States, but couldn't find a dojo. Others were American beginners, more interested in losing weight than gaining skill. I told them, "If you're not here to learn, you're not here for martial arts." About half of them left. And then we've had a few like you; American, but disciplined enough to be, oh… looking at how you hold yourself, you'd be fourth or fifth dan? Yeah, about there.
The Dojo's going strong now; some of our best students are helping out with the teaching, so Akane and I have days off now and then. Good thing, too; daycare ain't cheap these days.
I thought I told you? Yep, we've got two kids; four-year-old Rikiichi—it means 'powerful one,' but we usually just call him Rikki for short—he's the spitting image of his mom, and a two-year-old girl, Ranko. We named her that because she looks exactly like my female form, down to the last red hair. She's gonna be dangerous with the guys, I can tell you. Oh, and we've got her and Rikki already started on a training regimen!
Well, here we are: 'The Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts.' Got a ring to it, ne? Best part of this place is, it's still got the kitchen from the restaurant it used to be. Not only do we have hot water on demand—thank God—but Akane and I can make lunch here, and not have to run out for something during classes.
It's a good thing she's gotten better at cooking. She rarely burns anything anymore, and I'm sure it helps that we don't stock ingredients that don't go well with each other. Plus, Kasumi-san—that's one of her sisters—is an excellent cook, and she's been giving Akane pointers here and there.
You wanna spar a bit before the other students start showing up? No? Okay, then; I'll be in back, getting out the mats and gi. Feel free to look around while you're waiting. Oh, you see that katana up on the wall? That was my mom's… she passed away a couple years ago. Pops went about five years earlier, had a heart attack—probably from one too many close encounters with that blade.
Heh, Okaa-san used to use it to threaten us with seppuku if I didn't end up as a 'man among men' when we came back from our training. I doubt she'd have ever gone through with it, but Pops was convinced enough that all she had to do was unsheathe her katana an inch or so, and he'd do pretty much anything she wanted him to. All right, I'll be back in a jiffy.
Ah, here we go. Mind helping me roll out the mats? Thanks. So, uh… where was I? Oh, right; Mom's katana. Yeah Pops was wrapped around her fingers. She said 'jump' and he said 'Where to?' He always was a weak old… well, no, I can't really say that. He was a great martial artist—just not the best. I'd beat him nine times out of ten in our daily sparring matches, but there weren't too many other people that could even lay a finger on him.
Ugh, that reminds me… if you ever hear the name 'Happosai'… run far, far, away. Nah, I'm just kidding you; that old lech has been gone for a while now. Good thing, too, because it sure was hard for me to admit defeat to a diminuitive pervert like him. Not that it happened often; just… uh, more than once. Jeez, that guy… going on and on about his 'collection'—he collected women's underwear. The pervert. And he got me in trouble dozens of times, because when I tried to stop him, people thought I was helping him. Especially Akane.
Well, there's a few of our regulars showing up now. I'll go get Akane-chan from upstairs—there's a warm-up room up there, just so you know—and we'll get class started, okay? It's nice to see new faces now and again; I hope you'll keep on coming.
Author's Note:
I don't know if you'd call this a 'character study,' a 'scenario,' or what, but it's not a boredom fic like 'K&T.' This is just something I was thinking about after reading a bunch of other Ranma fics that dealt with what his life is like later on. I thought, what if, instead of describing what his life is like now, why not tell about what he thinks now about his life then? And got what you just read. Yay for the inner workings of the mind.
To my readers of 'Bifurcation': I have not forgotten about it! I find that there is no lack of external inspiration for it, but my internal inspiration got kind of sidetracked by a slew of new ideas, one of which is here, and two or three more which right now are just skeletons. I will continue 'Bifurcation'! I promise!