Inspired by ET's Behind the Scenes look at SH2. RDJ is an absolute genius. This is also on deviantart.
"I know you may be a master of disguise old boy, but seriously, really?" I asked my friend. You would think that I would be used to Holmes' strange behaviour by now. But really, this was taking the biscuit.
It had all started five minutes previously, I had returned to Baker Street after seeing a patient who had a severe case of the flu. Before making my way up the stairs to return to my room, I was stopped by Mrs Hudson.
"Oh doctor, Mr Holmes has a client waiting upstairs. He's not here, so I just sent her up, I hope that's ok," she informed me.
"Absolutely fine, I'll go up and ask her if she wants some tea. Unless of course you've already sent some up?"
As it turned out, Mrs Hudson had just finished making the tea and was about to take it up to Holmes' room. Being the gentleman that I am, I offered to take it up instead. Mrs Hudson immediately agreed.
"I still have to clean up the mess Mr Holmes made in the kitchen this morning,' she replied with a sigh. 'The man is a menace! If he didn't pay me so much rent, I would have kicked him out a long time ago."
I made my way up to Holmes' room and what I saw when I got to there surprised me so much that I dropped the tea tray on the floor. When Mrs Hudson had said that Holmes had a client and gone on to mention that the client was a she, I had assumed I would find a hysterical lady who had some difficult problem they wanted Holmes to solve for them.
Oh how wrong I was. Where Sherlock Holmes is concerned, you should never assume anything.
The 'lady' was wearing a pink dress with a matching pink bonnet, which sat upon curly blond hair…, which was not real. Because the lady was not a lady at all. It was Holmes…and he was wearing lipstick. How the hell had Mrs Hudson not noticed?
"Holmes?"
"Yes Watson, I'm wearing a dress," said Holmes with a grin.
This brings us back to where we started.
"You seem shocked my friend,' Holmes remarked after I had just asked him the question 'seriously, really?"
"Of course I'm shocked," I replied. "You are dressed up as a woman Holmes. It is just a disguise old boy?"
"Of course it is."
"But you're wearing lipstick Holmes!"
"It makes me look more feminine Watson."
I had to close my eyes for a moment. I was imagining this and when I opened them again, it would not be real. Of course, when I did open them again, Holmes was still stood in his room…still in a dress. Not a figment of my imagination then.
"You don't even sound like a woman," I snapped.
At this point, Holmes spoke in a higher pitch. "Yes I do!"
He obviously thought that this voice was good enough to pass him off as a woman, but it really didn't work. He just sounded like a man imitating a woman's voice. Ridiculous.
"Holmes, you really don't sound like a woman," I said firmly.
"Really?"
"Really, really."
"Oh." He actually looked disappointed. I sighed, why must everything that Holmes does be so odd?
"Holmes, please tell me that that is not a serious disguise," I begged.
"Of course it is. Why?"
"Because no one is going to believe that you are a woman. You don't look like a woman. You look like a man in a dress…wearing lipstick."
"You don't think I look feminine?" He was smirking now. I had to suppress a laugh.
"You know you don't look like a woman?" I asked.
"Yeah."
"So why are you disguised as one?"
"Because most people are idiots Watson and therefore will believe I am a woman," he answered cheerfully. "There are women who look like men you know," he added.
"Holmes! You can't say that!"
"Why not? It's true isn't it? Lady Chestershire from the last case looked like a man."
"Holmes!"
"But she did Watson. She had moustache that was hairier than yours," said Holmes, in a matter-of-fact tone.
"For God's sake Holmes!"
Holmes was grinning now and it was beginning to annoy me.
"Will you just take the dress off?" I snapped.
Holmes put on his high pitched voice again. "My, my doctor, I hope you aren't this forward with all the young ladies you meet." He started to laugh.
"That's not what I meant. I meant put some normal clothes on!"
"I was about to before you walked in."
"I hope this is the first time you've worn women's clothes, you look ridiculous," I growled, whilst turning round to leave his room. I had more pressing matters to attend to and I didn't have the energy to deal with more of Holmes' shenanigans.
As I opened the door to leave, I heard him say absentmindedly, "Irene made me wear her underwear once."
"What?"
"Nothing! Nothing! I didn't say anything!" Panic spread across his face like wild fire.
I shook my head and walked out of the room. "I really don't care what you and Miss Adler like doing when you're alone Holmes."
As I closed the door, I heard Holmes shout, "I didn't want to! She drugged me and then made me Watson! She took photographs so she could use them to her advan-"
"I DON'T CARE HOLMES!" I shouted and I slammed the door behind me.
I swear, if things get any odder around here, I'm going to go mad.
Note: I don't actually think that Irene would make Holmes wear her underwear, even if she was going to use any photos for blackmail, etc. The idea just came to my head while I was writing this and I thought it was pure genius.