Dedicated to Kim!

By the time he was twenty-three, Eren Jaeger thought he had experienced every type of pain imaginable.

He watched his mother die at the tender age of ten, he became a monster and listened to several people try to justify his execution. He witnessed countless deaths of his comrades and close friends on the battlefields, of his mentors and squad leaders as they fell prey to the Titans.

Eren's limbs had been cut off and fused to his titan body more times than he could count. His face nearly always melted off after transforming, he broke several bones broken during battle, and his skin pulled back together painfully as he healed each act was more terrible than the last.

It had all been excruciating. He thought he couldn't experience anything more painful than his arms being sliced away from his second skin, but he was so, so wrong.

This pain didn't cause injury to his body, but it tore apart his heart and threatened his mind every time he thought of the cause.

"Eren." The titan-shifter slowly turned his head and was met with the sight of Mikasa standing just a few feet away from where he sat. She closed the distance with a hand held up in front of her, gently walking to him. She'd been very gentle around him lately, they all had, as if afraid he would snap with the weight of recent events.

He hated it.

When he didn't respond, the young girl tried again. "He's stable." Ah, that's right. Jean had been unconscious before undergoing a surgery that lasted for the past three days. Guess he wasn't bordering on the edge of life anymore. "But he hasn't woken up." Eren cursed his luck.

Eren had been denied access to see him during the surgery, leading to an embarrassing scene where Mikasa dragged him away from the infirmary as he spewed insults at the medics, and ended when he'd cried himself to exhaustion in her arms. She and Armin stayed with him that entire night.

Maybe now that he was stable they would let him in. but the thought of seeing Jean, pale and bloodied and weak sent a wave of fresh nausea coursing through his stomach.

Mikasa heaved a sigh, grabbing his arm and nearly yanking him to his feet. It was the roughest anyone had been with him for three days, and also the fastest he had moved.

"Let's go," She declared, all but dragging him away from the tree that had previously provided him with shade. "We have a squad to train."

With Mikasa's insistence, Eren was placed on her squad when she was promoted to Captain. She said it was to keep an eye on him, and while that was definitely the case, it went unsaid that the military still didn't trust him enough to lead soldiers himself. He'd been shifting and working with the Survey Corps for almost eight years and they still thought he would go rouge and kill his team.

"Mikasa-" He groaned, voice hoarse from lack of use. He tried to wiggle his hand from her grasp but dammit she was still stronger than him.

She threw him a tense glance over her shoulder. "Eren," her voice was much more forceful than a few moments ago. "It will be good for you."

She didn't mention his lack of activity since the Survey Corps returned from their latest expedition outside the walls, or how his eating habits had deteriorated, or the fact that he had skipped training with the squad each day and couldn't sleep through the night, and for that he was grateful.

Her team was waiting in a small field outside of the main Survey Corps headquarters, leaning against trees and conversing easily, even laughing quietly. Eren was suddenly overcome with an intense anger, a desire to yell and fight them because their Commander just got out of surgery and they had the nerve to be happy.

Mikasa must have sense the change in his emotions, or at least felt his hand tense up, because she squeezed his wrist harshly, calming his budding anger.

"Oi," She called to her squad, a trait she'd inherited from her predecessor, and immediately they all turned to her, ready for orders and attention completely undivided. Her squad was young, each soldier only a few years older than the age to enlist in the Survey Corps, but they had been hand picked by Mikasa and Armin- they were the elite of the Corps.

Mikasa nodded back towards Eren after they came to a stop in front of the five soldiers. "Eren's going to lead the drills for today. Squad Leader Arlert and I have paperwork we need to attend to about the expedition before the inner walls get angry."

Right, Eren thought bitterly, Military procedure doesn't stop even when the fucking Commander is unconscious.

"I'll be back soon." Eren watched with the rest of her squad as Mikasa made her way back to the castle. Armin was probably holed up in his office, pouring over paperwork and how exactly to word the letter that would tell their superiors that the mission had failed- again.

Eren sighed, crossing his arms over his chest and facing the five soldiers. They eyed him warily, as if unsure if he could really take over training for the day, and again the shifter felt a rage boiling under his skin.

An hour later, the elite of the Corps were ready to drop to the ground, utterly exhausted from Eren's training regiment. However, he called out another order, and the soldiers quickly began a two-kilometer run around the castle.

When they returned he called for another sparring session, ignoring the complaints they voiced.

"Even Captain Ackerman, the Captain, isn't this bad," One girl with cropped blonde hair muttered to the tall redhead boy next to her. "This thing with the Commander must really be getting to him."

Eren tensed and stalked forward, gripping her shoulders none too gently. He whipped her around, the intensity of his gaze rendering her silent. "What did you just say?" Eren didn't know what he had planned to do, but in that moment the bottled up anger he'd been feeling since their return needed an outlet. He squeezed her shoulder even harder, ignoring her gasp and the order from one boy to "go get the Captain!"

He was just thinking that maybe this could be a source of relief from his pain when something slammed into his side, knocking him to the ground. Eren rolled onto his back, groaning at a spot on his shoulder that he knew would bruise, before looking up into Mikasa's heated glared.

"What the hell are you doing?" She growled, a hand on his chest to keep him down.

"She- she said… about Jean-"

Mikasa took his forearm to bring him back to his feet, and despite his height advantage over her, the look in her eyes made him feel incredibly small. "I don't care what she said. You do not take your anger out on your squad mates, or anyone else for that matter." She sighed aggressively, raking a hand through her dark hair. "Go see Armin. I'll meet you guys for dinner later."

Eren nodded. He sneaked a glance at the blonde girl on his way back to the castle, breathing in relief when he saw she was okay. He had let his anger over the situation with Jean cloud his judgment. He almost hurt a squad mate- a friend.

He needed to get a hold of his emotions.

Eren knocked quickly on the large door, the sound echoing through the empty hall. Armin's office was in a pretty secluded part of the castle- not too far from the Commander and Captain's offices, but far enough away to avoid the bustle of the soldiers.

"Come in." He pushed open the door, offering his blonde friend a faint smile. Armin grinned, dropping formalities as he said, "Hey, Eren. Didn't expect to see you around here." The shifter shrugged, trying to think of an excuse to give as he used the toe of his boot to shut the office door. However, Armin already seemed to pick up on why his best friend was there. "Did Mikasa send you?"

Eren sighed, ungracefully flopping in a chair across from Armin's desk. "Yeah," he breathed, glancing out the windows. He could see Mikasa dismissing her squad after no doubt trying to explain his actions. "There was an incident with the squad. She's mad at me."

"I'm not surprised." Armin neatly pushed a stack of papers to the corner of his desk; ignoring the glare Eren sent his way, he continued, "You have been acting irrationally the past few days."

"Have not," Eren huffed childishly.

Armin's gaze was suddenly somber as he linked his hands beneath his chin. "You've skipped almost every meal, you barely train anymore, you're more prone to outbursts, and I can hear you pacing the halls in the middle of the night."

"Okay, okay I get it." Eren muttered, looking away.

"Eren," Armin sighed, prompting the brunette to look back at his childhood friend. "I know you're upset about what happened to Jean, but he's going to be okay. You don't have to beat yourself up over this."

"I did this to him, Armin." His voice broke, and the young man took a deep breath before continuing, "It's my fault he's like this."

"Alive?" A new voice asked.

Eren turned in his chair, watching as Mikasa quietly closed the door behind her. She was carrying three trays, but he didn't think he could stomach any food at the moment, especially with where their conversation was headed.

There was a short pause as Armin helped her lay the trays out on his desk before she settled into a chair of her own.

When he realized they weren't going to say anything else unless he continued, (probably in an effort not to set him off again), Eren took a deep breath, accepting the roll his sister held out.

"Hurt." Eren's voice was barely a whisper.

"Eren," Armin spoke, but the brunette kept his gaze firmly planted on the ground. "If you hadn't acted-"

"If I hadn't acted Jean wouldn't be unconscious with a broken leg, wrist, three broken ribs, unconscious, and bordering on death!" He surged to his feet angrily, closing a fist over the bread and breathing heavily. It was his fault.

What if Jean never woke up again? Armin would be promoted to Commander, the Survey Corps would still function, they would go on more expeditions, test more Titans, and continue as if nothing had happened.

Eren, however, would never forgive himself if Jean died. He would never see Jean's smile again, never wake up to Jean's arms wrapped around him, holding him close. Never kiss him again, run his hands through the taller man's hair, throw his feet in Jean's lap when the Commander had paperwork he needed to do…

Armin looked like he was trying his hardest to stay patient, while Mikasa just looked exasperated, taking his hand and forcing him back into his seat. "That Titan was about to eat him, Eren." The blonde continued. "Without killing it, Jean wouldn't be recovering in the infirmary. He would be dead."

"I know that, just, ugh!" And he did know it. He'd saved Jean's life in the field that day, but he'd also been the cause of the other man's injuries. If he'd only been a little faster, a little more cautious, then maybe the sandy haired male wouldn't be so hurt.

"Remember when you saved me from the Titan that ate Aunt Carla?" Mikasa suddenly asked, staring over at him with a heavy expression. "My ribs were broken, but not once did you regret carrying me away."

"This is different, Mikasa! I wasn't the one that caused that injury!"

Armin replied, "It's almost the same, Eren. Is it better for Jean to be recovering from a broken leg, or thrown up in a ball of limbs by that Titan?"

Eren felt sick. Leave it to Armin to never outgrow his ability to vocalize the worst situations possible.

"I guess you're right," Eren murmured slowly, hanging his head.

A soft touch on his shoulder made him look up. Mikasa had moved her chair much closer to his, and she gave him a soft look as she said, "Jean's alive. You saved him. That's not a luxury many people have. Most people in our line of work watch their loves get eaten, not saved. You did the right thing, Eren, even if Jean's suffering from a few injuries."

"You don't have to shoulder all of that blame, Eren. It's unnecessary." Armin said. For a few moments the trio didn't speak, instead picking at their meals in wake of the silence.

Eren didn't eat, his thoughts were too consumed by the way Jean's arm looked unnaturally bent beneath his body, of the bone poking out of his leg, of the way he gripped his chest while he lay bleeding into the earth.

"Have you visited him in the infirmary?" Armin asked quietly after a few more minutes. "Why not?" He continued when the brunette shook his head.

"I don't- " He took a deep breath. "I don't want to see what I did to him."

Mikasa squeezed his shoulder again. "Don't forget, Eren, you saved his life. I think visiting him would be good for you."

Eren finally ripped a piece of his bread off, stuffing it in his mouth as he contemplated what Mikasa said. On one had, he didn't want to be reminded of the scene from the battlefield, but on the other hand he missed Jean like crazy.

"I'll think about it," Eren finally whispered, and the conversation shifted to topics of paperwork and the other military branches and far, far away from Jean's injuries.

Late that night, Eren stood in front of the door to the infirmary, hands shoved deep into his pockets as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

It had been hours since the soldiers retired for the night, and the shifter knew that there were no more medics left in the room, but that in a few hours the night shift medics would do a quick check on each of the patients. It was an opportune time to do as Mikasa suggested earlier that evening.

After taking another moment to collect his resolve, Eren pushed open the door, cringing when it groaned loudly.

Jean's bed was in the back corner of the room, curtains drawn around it to keep away unwanted eyes. If there were other injured people at that time, it would be used to keep the Commander's condition out of their sight to keep them from worrying.

Eren walked quickly to the man's bed, pulling up a chair and sitting at the head of the bed. He sat heavily, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands, feeling his heart break all over again as he assessed Jean's condition.

His broken leg was wrapped securely in a cast, elevated from the bed in a sling that Hanji had designed some years ago. His wrist was also wrapped, resting over his chest, rising and falling in tune with his breathing. Eren couldn't see it under Jean's shirt, but he knew there were bandages surrounding his chest from where his ribs had broken in his fall. Even his head was wrapped in white, the man's sandy hair falling limply over the bandages.

He had done this to Jean; to the man he'd been dating for almost two years. Another wave of self-loathing rose in his chest, but Eren quickly squashed it by remembering his earlier conversation with Armin and Mikasa.

Jean was hurt, but he was alive. He wasn't Titan food. A broken leg could be healed, but a death could not.

Eren leaned forward, pushing Jean's hair away from his eyes, unsure of what to do. Should he apologize? Part of him wanted to yell, to beg the man to wake up, but he knew it wouldn't do any good. Like the medics told Mikasa earlier that day, Jean was stable; now it was up to him when he would wake.

Suddenly overcome with the image of Jean never waking again, Eren stood. He couldn't stay any longer or he'd just relive that day over and over again, but with a morbid ending for his love.

The shifter gently touched Jean's cheek, smoothing his thumb over the rough skin, of the skin he'd touched countless times before. Eren closed the distance between them, pressing his lips to Jean's forehead, resting his own against it after a few seconds.

"Please," he whispered, brokenly. "Please come back to me."

He left then, taking care to shut the door quietly before hurrying back down the hall, trying in vain to hold back the onslaught of tears.

Four days later, Eren was helping Armin conduct a few experiments on their most recently captured Titan. The blonde wasn't as energetic about it as Hanji had been, but Eren could see the way his face lit up every time he found new information.

Eren had managed to keep a tight lid on his anger after visiting Jean in the infirmary, the memory of his conversation with his best friends also keeping him grounded. He'd trained with Mikasa and the squad every day since then, even thrown himself completely into helping Armin plan their next expedition. His eating habits hadn't exactly improved, but he made a point to eat in front of his friends, if only to keep them from nagging.

After Armin felt he collected enough data for the day, the two of them started back towards the castle, to deal with a new letter from the Military Police, once again calling for Eren's extermination, especially in light of their recent failure.

"Where's Mikasa?" Armin asked as they passed her empty office on the way to his.

"Dunno," Eren replied, shrugging as he held the door to Armin's office open. "Maybe she got caught up with the new recruits."

Armin hummed, dropping into his seat and scanning his eyes over the letter in hand, "Maybe."

Eren kicked his feet onto Armin's desk; leaning back in his chair and grinning at the look the blonde sent his way. "What's their reasoning this time?"

The Squad Leader chuckled, letting the letter fall back to the surface of the desk. "They're saying because you shifted a record of four times on this one mission, despite having the freedom to shift as many times as necessary, you're a threat and should be stopped. Apparently to them, using your power as much as you can means you're going rogue."

Eren laughed along with his friend, both falling silent after a moment as Armin began writing a counter letter, one that was probably filled with enough reasoning to keep the MP's off their backs for at least the next expedition.

"We might have a better shot at this with fewer people next time," Armin said offhandedly as he wrote.

"The expedition?" Eren perked up. They'd finally gotten a lead on the village where Annie, Reiner, and Bertholdt had been from, but their first attempt at getting there had resulted in, well, in their Commander falling out of commission.

The blonde nodded, eyes still focused on his letter. "It might be easier to get around the Titans if there's fewer people. That wa-"

He never finished his thought because at that moment the door to his office swung open. Eren was ready to snap at the idiotic cadet that had forgotten all about formalities, but he lost his voice when he saw who it was.

Mikasa stood in the doorway, her eyes jumping from Eren to Armin every other second. She was breathing heavily, as if she had run all the way to her destination, and judging by the wild state of her hair, that was exactly what she had done.

"Eren-"

"Mikasa?" Armin stood from his desk, his brows furrowed. "What happened? Why are you out of breath?"

She ignored him, and Eren had a daunting feeling that he knew exactly two possibilities for why she was here. And he knew exactly whom it was about.

Eren stood slowly, his eyes widening as she nodded in confirmation.

"Eren. He's awake." Her lips quickly spread into a huge smile. "Jean's awake."

He ran from the room in record time.