The Adventures of Chi and Ryge: "That Ol' Janx Spirit!"
S. Hempel
1/01
Disclaimer and notes:
I don't own Farscape, HHGG, or any of the characters! I'm just borrowing them. However, I did write this fic, and claim it as MINE. So don't say you wrote it, or I will hunt you down and hit you with a brick.
Okay, this is weird, weird, weird. I literally turned this out within the space of two hours, after my Muse came back and took a figurative dump on my head in the shower. I swear, my muse is Evil, with a capital E.
For those who aren't familiar with it, here's the excerpt from HHGG regarding Janx Spirit:
A potent drink immortalized in this ancient Orion mining song:
"Oh don't give me none more of that Old Janx Spirit No, don't give me none more of that Old Janx Spirit For my head will fly, my tongue will lie, my eyes will fry and I may die Won't you pour me one more of that sinful Old Janx Spirit."
Also used in an old drinking game in which a bottle of Janx Spirit is placed between two contestants who would sit either side of a table, with a glass in front of each of them. Each of the two contestants would then concentrate their will on the bottle and attempt to tip it and pour spirit into the glass of his opponent - who would then have to drink it. The bottle would then be refilled. The game would be played again. And again. Once you started to lose you would probably keep losing because one of the effects of Janx Spirit is to depress telepsychic power. As soon as a predetermined quantity had been consumed, the final loser would have to perform a forfeit, which was usually obscenely biological.
In the words of Monty Python: "GET ON WITH IT!"
~~~
The Scene:
[Rygel is sitting in the Central Chamber, munching away on some unappealing food cubes, grunting and generally making the disgusting noises Hynerians make when they eat. Chiana enters.]
Chi: Hey, Rygel, whatcha doing?
Ryge: Frelling three Nebari chickens, what does it look like? I'm eating. Now go away.
Chi: Chee-kins? Have you been talking to Crichton again?
Ryge: Yes, I asked him about chickens… he said that they are some flying animals, which don't really fly, and are covered in feathers, and that some Humans eat their eggs raw. Sounds frelling disgusting, to me.
Chi: [sits down at the table, across from Rygel and leaning on her folded arms] Aw, c'mon. How come you're in such a bad mood? I mean, you're *eating*. That's usually enough to make you happy.
Ryge: If you must know, I'm bored. Bored, bored, *bored* out of my frelling mind!
Chi: Well, Pilot says we'll be at the next commerce planet within two solar days.
Ryge: So what? I'm bored now!
Chi: [gets a wicked grin on her face] Well, I know something we could do to relieve the boredom…
Ryge: [snorts] Oh, please, with you, girl? Eugh! Even if I were a body breeder, I'd never even consider it! [goes back to consuming food cubes by the handful]
Chi: [frowns, and reaches across to slap Rygel on the back of the head] What is with you people; are you all kinkoid? And I would never even *ask* you; I'd rather proposition a DRD first!
Ryge: Then what did you mean?
Chi: Well, how about a game?
Ryge: [perks up] Game? Would there be money involved?
Chi: [pauses for a moment] Well, sure, we could bet on it…
Ryge: [looks interested for a moment, but then frowns and goes back to his cubes] Hah! Like you have anything of value that could interest a dominar of my stature.
Chi: Wait right here!
[Chiana exits, Rygel eats some more. I swear, for someone so small, he eats an amazing amount of food. Even with three stomachs, the little guy has to get full some time, doesn't he? No wonder the crew needs to stop at commerce pla – oh, wait, *ahem*. Chiana re-enters, this time carrying a bottle with a skull and cross bones on the label and a small pouch. She sets the bottle down, opens the pouch and a few sparkling gems tumble out onto the table. She grins widely upon seeing the look of greed in Rygel's eyes.]
Chi: Nothing of value, eh?
Ryge: Where'd you get those! Those are kelvic crystals! We haven't seen any since we were at the budong!
Chi: Hey, a girl's gotta keep some of her secrets! So, you still want to play?
Ryge: [still eyeing the crystals] All right, what's this game of yours entail?
Chi: [stands back up and takes two metal cups from a stack in the corner. She places one in front of herself, and another in front of Rygel] Well, we put the bottle of Janx Spirit in the middle of the table. And we try to move it so that it fills the other person's cup. When it does, they have to drink it!
Ryge: [chuckles] Move it with our minds? Are you fahrbot?
Chi: Well, it's Janx Spirit! It's special!
Ryge: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how do you win this game?
Chi: Well, once an agreed upon amount of Janx Spirit is consumed by one of the players, the other wins! And they have to do *whatever the winner says*! So, do you have the crystals, and do you want to play?
Ryge: [suddenly produces an equal amount of kelvic crystals from some hidden compartment on his thronesled and grins] So, how much should the amount be?
Chi: Hmm… well, since you've never played before, let's say three cups?
Ryge: Agreed!
[Chiana settles down into a seat across from Rygel. After a moment, they both start staring at the bottle. The staring continues for several dozen microts, each contestant making some amazingly contorted faces as they try to will the bottle to move.]
Chi: Hey, Rygel, is that a chunk of a marjule on your chest?
Ryge: [looks down, frantic, with his itty bitty arms flailing] Marjule? WHERE?!
Chi: [smirks, grabbing the bottle quickly and dumping some into Rygel's cup and returning to her original position a split-microt before he looks up] Oh, never mind.
Ryge: You lied!
Chi: [points to his cup] Drink up!
Ryge: You poured that in there when I wasn't looking! That's not fair.
Chi: Nuh uh, you have to drink! You weren't looking, how do you know I didn't use my mind?
Ryge: [sulkily] Trelk! [grabs the cup and prepares to drink]
Chi: Wait! You have to fill it the rest of the way, first!
Ryge: What? You didn't say that before!
Chi: Well you have to; it's part of the rules!
Ryge: Oh, fine. I'll win anyway! [fills the cup, then drinks down the Janx Spirit]. Yuck! That tasted frelling awful!
Chi: [laughs, then takes the bottle from him and places it back in the center of the table] Looks like I'm ahead!
[The contest goes back to concentrating on the bottle. Rygel makes some incredible faces and groaning, straining noises. Suddenly, Moya lurches, and the bottle goes flying… spilling drops directly into Chiana's cup.]
Ryge: HA! You have to drink!
Chi: But you didn't do that, Moya did!
Ryge: Well, how do you know I didn't make Moya do that with my mind? [grins smugly, making self-satisfied noises.]
Chi: Fine, fine, I'll drink the frelling thing! [fills her cup, drinks, and then places the bottle back down] *hic*! Whoa, that's some strong stuff!
Ryge: Indeed.
[Crichton enters, whistling and heading for the stack of cups. He slows down as he spots Chiana and Rygel, and watches their confrontation for a few microts.]
Crichton: What's going on?
Chi: His Frogness and I are having a contest!
Ryge: Go away, Crichton, you'll break my concentration!
Crichton: [shrugs good-naturedly, and goes to turn. In the process, a random passing DRD trips him, and he falls – face first onto the table, sending the bottle of Janx Spirit flying again!] Ow… my head…
Chi & Ryge: CRICHTON!
Crichton: [pushes himself off the table] Hello, my name is Bobbin Threadbare. Have you seen my mother? [collapses in a delirious heap at the foot of the table, mumbling to himself]
Ryge: Frelling Human!
Chi: Hey, Ryge… guess what? Some landed in each of our cups…
Ryge: Well, *I* didn't make that probacto come in here!
Chi: I didn't, either!
Ryge: Let's both drink, that way it'll be fair!
Chi: Fine!
[Chiana pours some of the Janx Spirit into her cup, and then hands the bottle to Rygel. He pours, and they both drink. In fact, they're starting to become quite sloshed by now.]
Ryge: [grinning madly] Did I ever tell you the joke about the Sheyang and his mother-in-law?
Chi: You mean the one with the angry Luxan? [giggles] I already heard it!
Ryge: Dren! Well, how about the one with –
[Suddenly, unsteadily, the bottle of Janx Spirit rises into the air, bobbing unsteadily. Both Chiana and Rygel look on with their mouths agape. For a second, it hovers close to Chiana's cup, but quickly reverses itself, landing open-end up in Rygel's cup.]
Ryge: Did you see that?
Chi: Yeah… and guess what… it means I win!
Ryge: But did you *see* that!? It moved! On its own!
Chi: Yeah, so what? Drink!
Ryge: Fine, fine! [pulls the bottle out of his cup and drinks the Janx Spirit]
Chi: Ha! Told you I'd win!
Ryge: [frowning] No you didn't!
Chi: Pay up! [gathers the kelvic crystals, and puts them in her pouch] Now, for the last part… you have to do whatever I say, frogboy!
Ryge: I will not.
Chi: Oh, c'mon, Rygel… all you have to do is take a bath!
Ryge: A bath? In what, some disgusting goo? I think not.
Chi: No, just a bath, I swear!
Ryge: Oh, fine.
[Chi stands, quite unsteadily, and totters out of the Central Chamber. She's followed by Rygel, who promptly misses the door by several denches, smacking into the wall. He curses in Hynerian, and then directs his sled out the door and down the hall. A microt later, we hear another thud, followed by a string of words that have been censored for the sake of the children reading this.]
Three arns later…
[Aeryn, Zhaan, and D'Argo are all standing on Command, looking like they might be doing something important. Crichton is seated in front of a console, with a huge fluffy white bandage wrapped around his head. He looks rather dazed. Rygel enters on his thronesled.]
Ryge: Frelling Nebari trelk! Won't even let me see a mirror!
Crichton: [sees Rygel, and his mouth drops open. He starts giggling madly, and points]
Aeryn: Look, Crichton, you've already tried it three times. We don't see any three-headed minkeys, so stop asking!
Zhaan: Yes, John, you should really go lie down until you feel better…
D'Argo: [turns and looks at Rygel. He does a double take, but manages to conceal his shock] Rygel, what the hezmana did you do?
[Aeryn and Zhaan spin around and look at Rygel. Aeryn immediately starts snickering, and D'Argo finally loses it and lets out huge guffaws of laughter.]
Ryge: What? What is it?! What the frell is going on!
Zhaan: Rygel… why are you pink?
Ryge: Pink? I am not pink! Wait, I'm pink? That FRELLING TRELK!
[Rygel reverses his thronesled, leaving Command at maximum speed. Behind him, Zhaan finally dissolves into a fit of laughter.]
Ryge: [from the corridor] CHIANA! When I get through with you, you're going to wish you'd never heard Janx Spirit!
The END.