The new model is handsome, and his poses varied and dynamic. Kurt would love drawing him if not for the fact that he can't be still. He quivers as he tries to hold his pose, his left foot inching further out towards the corner of the platform on which he stands in the middle of the studio. The negative shape Kurt already has drawn out is changing before his eyes, and charcoal is such a bitch to fix. With a sigh, Kurt wipes off his hands on a washcloth and reaches into his bag for a kneaded eraser.
As he adjust the position of the leg in his drawing, his eyes wander upward. Kurt mentally slaps himself and concentrates on the model's knee. He will not look at this guy's penis until he has to draw it. Then he will treat it with the same frankness he treats the rest of the human body. It's just another piece of anatomy, he tells himself. It's not like he hasn't seen them on other models before. Old ones, with liver spots all over their sagging, wrinkled skin. Not young, agile men with big eyes and pouty lips.
Concentrate, Hummel, there are still three hours to go.
"Let's take a break, shall we?" his professor says, clapping her hands. "Fifteen minutes."
Kurt sticks his eraser on the edge of his easel, sits back on his stool, and relaxes. The other students put down their charcoal sticks and conte crayons, and quiet conversation fills the room. He knows that some of them are eager to leave the studio and get some fresh air, but the door does not open until the model puts on his robe.
Blaine throws on a hideous red and blue thing after the professor marks his position on the platform with tape and hops off. Most of the students make their way out, but Kurt sticks around. The benches outside the studio will be cloaked in cigaret smoke, and it's hard enough to breath in a cloud of charcoal dust. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Blaine make his way around the room, checking out the various drawings of himself.
Kurt stiffens as Blaine approaches him. Models like to see all of the drawings, so it's not like Blaine wants to see Kurt's specifically. Taking a deep breath, Kurt tries not to pay attention to the cute, barely clothed young man behind him.
"I kept moving, didn't I?"
Blinking, Kurt turns around to face him. "Excuse me?"
"My leg." Blaine smiles and gestures to the drawing. "It kept sliding back. Did I mess you up?"
"Nothing I can't fix," says Kurt. He stands because the hem of Blaine's robe is far too close to this eye line. It's weird to have a model talk to him. He tries not to think of models as people, just still life set ups that happen to look like people. The more Blaine smiles, however, the more this mentality falls apart.
"Hey, is there like a bulletin board around here?" he asks. He holds up a piece of paper advertising private modeling sessions.
Kurt nods and points to the door. "Yeah, just outside the bathrooms. You do private sessions?"
"I'm trying," says Blaine with a shrug. "I know it's a little risky, but everyone at this school seems really professional, so…"
"The chances of you running into a psycho killer are slim." Kurt says. Blaine laughs, and suddenly a private session is rather appealing. At least he could be able to say something if he starts to move. "So, um, how much do you charge?"
"I figured I could work that out with each artist individually," says Blaine. "Everyone has different budgets."
"So If I said I could give you forty for two hours…" Kurt bounces on the balls of his feet, smiling.
"…I would take it," Blaine says, smiling back. "Do you want my number so we can set something up?"
Kurt nods and pulls his sketchbook out of his bag. It's not like he just wants to see Blaine naked again. Private sessions with a model could give him the push he needs to get ahead of the competition. He jots down Blaine's number as his professor calls the other students back into the studio.
The rest of the class, Blaine makes a noticeable effort to remain still. There continues to be some awkward shifting, but at least the negative shapes remain the same. The professor walks past him and points out a few things that need adjustment, overall the drawing earns her approval.
With thirty minutes left before their time ends, the students are instructed to pin their drawings on the back wall for a quick critique. They pull up their chairs and examine each drawing, each student looking for something to say. There are the easy targets, like the guy who always draws his heads too big, or the girl who crops out hands and feet. Then there are those who capture the human form with such elegance that Kurt wants to chop his own hands off.
Art is subjective, Kurt knows that. Whether you actually managed to accurately draw what's in front of you is not. They aren't here to judge how a drawing made them feel or if it has any particular meaning to it. The only thing they need to know is if works or it doesn't.
Kurt draws limbs too long and thin. His shadows are too dark, his outlines too thick. He knows all of these things and wants to scream every time someone points them out. Instead he nods and tries to take it in stride. It would help if they pointed out issues he isn't already painfully aware of, but instead he's told the same bullshit over and over again.
He really is working on those issues. It's not his fault that lighting today was a little harsh, and his charcoal too soft and the model kept moving and…
Kurt takes another deep breath and gives his thanks for the critique. He'll work on it.
Two days later, he calls Blaine to set up a private session. He has a studio reserved for a couple hours, and arranges to meet Blaine there one evening after class. Kurt heads over to the studio early to set up the lights, and to just take a moment to relax, be alone, and comfort his wounded ego.
Art school is harder than he thought it would be. It's one thing to be the only person who can draw in high school. You're talented, special, a god among insects. At art school, pretty much everyone can draw as that's the whole point, but suddenly you aren't special anymore. No one looks over your shoulder to be amazed at what you're doodling in your sketchbook. If anyone looks at all, it's only so they can tell you what you're doing wrong.
Or that's how it feels most of the time. Other times, it's wonderful to be surrounded by people who know how you think, who see the same things you do, to witness art blossoming at every turn.
All of it at once is rather overwhelming. Kurt sits down on the platform and rubs his eyes. Tonight, he will work on legs and feet. Hands, arms, chests, and faces are things he understands, but the lower half of the body is still out of his grasp. Hopefully this time with Blaine will bring him closer to capturing it.
There's a knock on the door and Blaine pokes his head in. Kurt sits up and smiles, beckoning him to enter.
"Am I late?" Blaine asks, putting his bag down on a stool.
"No, no, not at all." Kurt says. He stands up and gestures towards the back room. "Why don't you change and then we can start on some gestures?"
Blaine nods, throwing his bag over his shoulder and walking past Kurt to undress. Setting up his easel, Kurt tapes a piece of newsprint to his drawing board and picks out what medium to use. His conte crayons seem neglected, and it would be nice to work with rich browns and reds instead of the the usual blacks and grays.
Kurt looks up to see Blaine in his robe laying a blanket down on the platform before him. He has the standard kit every model brings with them; a blanket, a robe, a water bottle, and a small electric fan. Once the fan is plugged in, Blaine climbs up onto the platform and slips the robe off of his shoulders.
As Blaine bends over to fold his robe and place it on the edge of the platform, Kurt wonders if he'll ever have a man undress in front of him for free. It's important to note that the situation is decidedly not sexual. They're in a stuffy studio with hot, bright lights, and their main concerns are money and grades. Kurt takes that mental step backwards and Blaine becomes less of a cute naked boy and more of a thing to draw, like flowers or a bowl of fruit.
"How long do you want the gestures?" Blaine asks as he pulls his arms back in a stretch.
"Um, how about ten one-minute ones?" says Kurt.
Blaine nods. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah, go ahead."
His first pose is simple; legs apart, hands behind his back. Kurt sketches it out roughly, trying to capture the internal structure of the form. It looks more like a swooshy stickman than an actual person, but that's kind of the point. Blaine adjusts his position and enters a new pose, Kurt quickly sketches another figure right next to the first.
Kurt likes gesture drawing. It's fast and expressive, all lines and motion. The pressure associated with long poses is lifted, and Kurt can just enjoy drawing for a while. He suspects that Blaine feels the same, because as the minutes go by his poses become more and more energetic. One leg up, as if he's about to leap. Body twisted and coiled and like a snake.
Blaine stops. "That was ten, I think."
Kurt sits back and counts the drawings on his paper. "Yes, it was. Um, how about you get a chair? I'd like you to sit for the long pose, if you don't mind."
"Yeah, ok." Blaine says. He gabs a the nearest stool and hoists it onto the platform. Putting his hand over his mouth for a moment, Blaine looks at the stool with concern. "I… I kinda don't want to sit on it directly."
"Oh, well, uh." Kurt frowns and thinks as he tapes another piece of paper to his board. "Why don't you cover it with your robe?"
"Good idea," says Blaine. He does just that, draping the ugly red and blue thing over the seat, and sitting down. "So what do you want me to do?"
Kurt stands up and scratches the back of his neck. "Um, could you pull one leg up like…"
Blaine lifts his right leg up and rests his heel on the edge of the stool, holding it close to his chest with arm. Hesitantly, Kurt reaches out.
"Is it alright if I, um, adjust you?"
Blinking, Blaine swallows. "Oh, um…"
"I'm sorry," Kurt says, immediately backing off. "I wasn't trying to, like, touch you, I just…"
"No, I understand." says Blaine. "I think I can, um… yeah, ok. Go ahead."
Biting his lip, Kurt reaches out again, this time gently gripping Blaine's right arm and pushing it down his leg, so that his hand rests just above his foot. He bends down and pulls Blaine's other leg out, and to the side. It's possible that Kurt could just tell him what he wants, but he had this pose in his mind all day, and needs it to be perfect.
"Is this comfortable?" Kurt asks.
Blaine nods. "How long am I holding this for?"
"Um, let's try twenty minutes before taking a break, ok?"
"I can do that," says Blaine. "Just tell me if I'm moving too much."
"You can count on it," says Kurt.
He's really quite lovely, Blaine. His body isn't particularly muscular, but it's lean and taut and full of energy, even when sitting still. Kurt sets a timer on his phone and gets to drawing. Even though he feels there's more pressure when it comes to long poses, there's something engrossing about them. He gets lost in the drawing, the whole world melting away until all that's left are Kurt, Blaine, and the paper.
Blaine's eyes close, and Kurt wonders if he gets lost in something as well. A certain amount of self-acceptance is required to be a figure model. Not like a being a model for the runway or magazines, where your body must conform to a specific standard or else. Anyone of any body type can be a figure model, as long as they're comfortable being nude.
Perhaps that's the appeal. Being completely vulnerable in an environment where no one is allowed to hurt you, where all they can do is appreciate all of you for what you are.
He moves. Kurt sighs and reminds himself that Blaine is still pretty new at this.
"If you could move your left arm back few inches, please, I would greatly appreciate it." Kurt says.
Blaine's arm moves back to its original position. He moves a couple more times over the course of their twenty minutes, but nothing too obstructive. Kurt's drawing slowly starts to come together. It's almost as Kurt is carving it out of the paper, revealing it stroke by stroke.
The alarm goes off, and Blaine relaxes.
"Are you ok?" Kurt asks.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Blaine says, standing up and pulling on his robe.
Kurt takes this time to sit back and try to look at his drawing objectively. It's impossible to do completely, but he'll have to do his best. The legs are still too long, but shadows at least feel organic. He looks up at the sound of a bottle opening, and watches Blaine take a long drink of water. The light catches the bottle in just the right way, and Kurt wonders if he could photograph it and draw it later. He knows a few professors who love a good drawing of water.
"So, what got you into this?" Kurt asks. "Modeling, I mean."
Blaine shrugs and sits down on the platform. "My friend, Wes, did it and I thought it would be good for a quick buck. Now, I actually really like it. It's harder than I thought it would be, though."
"You didn't think being naked for an audience would be hard?" Kurt says, arching an eyebrow.
"It's not the naked part that's hard," says Blaine, laughing. "It's the sitting still. But, I like it. It's like being the center of attention and being invisible at the same time."
"I've never thought of it like that before." Kurt says.
"What about you?" Blaine asks. "How did you get into drawing?"
"Drawing isn't something you get into," says Kurt. "It's something that gets into you."
Blaine smiles. "All art is like that, isn't it?"
"Yeah," Kurt nods. "You have no choice in the matter at all."
"Sure you do," says Blaine. "There's art, or nothing."
"Sometimes I wish I picked nothing," Kurt admits. "Nothing doesn't come with a mind-boggling tuition."
"Nothing also doesn't come with fulfillment," says Blaine.
Kurt eyes him again and looks back at his drawing. Issues are becoming clearer now. The neck is too thin, the head just a little too big, his left leg isn't at the right angle. It almost seems like he'll have to start over, but he reminds himself that all drawings are a process like this. Just keep fixing it until there's nothing left to fix.
"Are you ready to go again?" Kurt asks.
Nodding, Blaine puts down his water bottle and climbs back onto the platform, where he slips off his robe and drapes it over the stool like a tablecloth. They work out his pose again, Kurt gently and politely adjusting his limbs. His sits back and sets the timer before picking up his conte crayon.
It's a little hard to get back into the flow of things after a break, but Kurt pushes through it. That's the main issue to everything in his life, really. Just… push though it. Push through the broken ego, the bad drawing habits, the critiques. Get back into the water, the flow of creating art.
He catches Blaine smiling at him. Kurt adds it to the finishing touches to the now appropriately proportioned head on his paper.