As In Heaven
by DKFairy
Disclaimer: In loud, simple voice: They. Don't. Belong. To. Me. Have a nice day. :)
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Rose Tyler, Ninth Doctor
Summary: On the anniversary of the worst day of her life, Rose Tyler considers how to wash away all her problems. NineRose, TenRose if you squint.
Beta: Thank you to S-Star for reading through and convincing me this wasn't completely incoherent.
AN: I got so fed up with all the angsty Doomsday fics that I decided not to read any more, so I wrote this instead, which kind of defies the whole point. Oh well, someone has to send happy fic my way at some point.
Inspired by the song Prelude (On Earth as in Heaven) by Globus. It's a tragic love story, and it just sounds amazing and perfect for Doomsday. I think that most of it isn't even in English (possibly it's Latin or something) and that fits as well. Really, you should listen to it.
As In Heaven
On the eighth year she returns to Bad Wolf Bay she considers slipping off her shoes, placing them neatly on the beach for someone else to find, and taking one last, final, walk into the waves. Washing all her cares away.
She knows that that isn't what he would want her to do, but he isn't there to care anymore, and she certainly doesn't care enough about herself.
It would be peaceful, she thinks. The waves could be the drums, her lungs pounding would be the bass and the singing in her mind could carry her last tune down to the depths of the ocean.
The Vortex curls around her thoughts, tendrils of light burning behind her eyes and she see all the futures that could come if she steps into the water. Not her futures of course - she takes those steps and she knows she'll be wonderfully, blissfully beyond futures.
But the futures of her family flash before her: Jackie and Pete still standing over her grave in 20 years; little Johnny all grown up waiting for his bride to meet him at the end of the aisle; Mickey searching for her, eternally convinced that she isn't dead; Torchwood ploughing on regardless.
Another flash and another future: Johnny walking alone across the park; Jackie and Pete in the car crash; Mickey working all night in the Torchwood archives; Torchwood living up to its name and burning and billowing smoke against the sunset, the end of an era.
The Vortex strains and tears pour down her cheeks. Blinking back more tears she shakes away the images in her head, and hums softly to the Vortex. She feels the pain that it feels, forever searching for a trace of one man, one man she knows she will never feel again.
This living is worse than death, she knows that. She knows lots. The Vortex knows all - the past, the present, the future every future, all the futures, the ones that will never happen and the ones that will and the ones that burn and cry and scream and… and sometimes she thinks she would scream for it to all stop, if she were still Rose Tyler. Only she isn't Rose Tyler anymore. She isn't Rose anything, and she hasn't been for a long time. Now she doesn't scream.
She often wonders if anyone noticed when she stopped being Rose Tyler, or if it was so subtle that it passed under the noses of everyone around her. Certainly no one has mentioned anything to her if they noticed that her movements are sleeker now or that she never stumbles over her words. No one mentioned it, so she said nothing - just quietly stopped being Rose Tyler because that hurt too much and became the Bad Wolf. Only to find that it hurts just as much, in its own way.
Rose Tyler was in love with the Doctor, utterly and unconditionally devoted to him. Rose Tyler had felt the lure of the stars and had never wanted to return to Earth, to normalcy and monotony. Rose Tyler was trapped, her wings clipped and her poor human heart torn in two. Rose Tyler most certainly did not want to carry on with her life in this dimension as if she had never met her Doctor in the other. However, Rose Tyler had another option because gold sung through her veins and time whispered to her in her mind and Rose Tyler could leave all worries behind any time she liked, because Rose Tyler could be the Bad Wolf.
The Bad Wolf was her escape and her prison all in one, but it was the only option. Being Rose Tyler was too heartbreaking.
So the Bad Wolf was reborn and it cried out to the moons and the suns and the stars. Life was easier for a while, because Bad Wolf did not feel like little human Rose had, and that could only be good. But Bad Wolf was not without its weaknesses, just like little Rose. They may seem different, but they are two faces of a coin - different but both parts of the same.
Bad Wolf was not the Vortex, but what the Vortex had merged with Rose Tyler to become. It was both and one and utterly unique. Utterly alone.
Pushing sand around with the toe of her shoes she tilts her head back to catch the last rays of sun playing across her skin. The tide is creeping up the beach, steadily coming closer. Maybe she should turn around and walk back up to her car. Maybe she will, but it is far more likely that she will stay.
Rose Tyler loved the Doctor, but Bad Wolf burned for him. Bad Wolf had been created to protect the Doctor. To love him and save him and burn for him and now he is gone. Everyday Bad Wolf and Rose Tyler and the Vortex all search for the Doctor in their own ways, and each day they fail to find any trace. The barrier between dimensions is strong, stronger than all of them.
Without the Doctor Rose Tyler has no one to love, no one to laugh with and cry with and no one to run with.
Without the Doctor the Vortex has no one to remember with, no one to look ahead with and no one to count the passing of time with.
Without the Doctor Bad Wolf has no purpose, no one to guard and no one exist for.
Without the Doctor they are all alone.
The sea is lapping at her ankles now, soaked through her shoes and socks and rising up the legs of her jeans. The sun is lower in the sky and storm clouds are gathering above the cliffs behind her, ready to claim the sky for themselves. Bad Wolf who is Rose Tyler and the Vortex and itself throws open her arms and laughs into the emptiness. With no purpose, why carry on?
The decision made, she bends over, tugging at her water-logged laces, pulling off the old trainers and the faded pink socks, throwing them away across the beach. Almost giddy with the knowledge that the hurt will end soon, she unzips her coat and throws that away too, then her jacket and her hat and scarf and gloves and t-shirt and before she realises it she isn't wearing anything at all. The beach was cold during the day and now darkness has fallen the temperature is dropping even faster, but golden light burns inside her and she doesn't feel the sting of the wind or the chill of the night. She will never feel the cold again.
As a small child Rose Tyler had learnt at Sunday School that Jesus had walked on water. She had been amazed. As a teenager Rose Tyler had skated on frozen water on a planet light years away from Earth and thousands of years in the past. She had been delighted. As an adult Rose Tyler walked across the moving waves of Bad Wolf Bay as if it were an everyday occurrence. She felt nothing at all.
When the cliffs become mere dots on the horizon behind her she stops walking. She looks up at the stars above her and the Vortex whispers their names: the names they were once called, what they are now and what they will one day be. Rose Tyler sees diamonds in the sky and Bad Wolf sees burning balls of gas, but they appreciate the sight the same.
One last breath and without ceremony she disappears beneath the surface, gliding below without a sound or a splash.
Within moments she is no more.
Or at least she thinks she is.
It occurs to Bad Wolf who is also Rose Tyler and also the Vortex that if she is really dead then she should not still be thinking, and she should not be surrounded by golden lights. She has not considered the possibility of an afterlife and suddenly she is soul wrenchingly heart broken. The afterlife should be spent with loved ones, eternally together - not alone waiting for an alien who has a life span of thousands of years. This could almost be worse than life had been.
"No need to get so melodramatic about it. It could be worse."
The voice is familiar, achingly so, but surely that cannot be possible…
"I mean, it really could be worse. I might not be the most handsome of devils, but you should have seen some of the hair styles I had before… Not to worry though. These ears are bad enough and you didn't seem to mind them so much. Now are you going to start smiling or what?"
She turns slowly, not that time matters here, and looks up into eyes that she loves. Tall and dark and exactly as she last saw him, her first Doctor smiles down at her, arms reaching to pull her closer.
"I've been waiting so long for you. Do you know what it's like to know that I'm here and yet I'm still there with you but this me can't touch you or see you, only wait?"
She shakes her head, golden skin framed by golden hair and surrounded by golden light. She wants to speak to him, tell him she loves him, never stopped loving him, that she was so alone, and she wants to know how this is happening and how he is here. But she can't say anything at all, can only gaze up at him in wonderment, hands coming to rest on either side of his face.
"I don't know if you caught it last time, but I've just got to say, we were fantastic weren't we? Utterly bloody fantastic!"
She still can't say a word, shocked and amazed and overjoyed beyond anything words could ever express.
"What? Cat got your tongue? Silly little apes, never know how to deal with these things. Honestly…"
There is love in his voice when he says it, and he is smiling at her, but she still glares up at him, willing him to understand that she hasn't been a silly little ape for a long time, when she realises that he knows this. He just wants her to smile, shout, do anything, just react to him in some way. So she does.
Whatever else he was going to say is cut off as she pulls his head down to hers and their lips meet and it's all perfect perfect perfect perfect.
She never wants it to end.
"I love you."
End