AN: Several times Quinn and Santana don't, and that one time they do. Inspired by Taylor Swift's – I Almost Do and my favorite scene in Twilight.
Chapter 1 – Every Time I Don't, I Almost Do
From the moment that you first met Santana Lopez, you knew that you'd never love anyone else the way that you loved her.
You also remember when you first realized that what you were feeling for her was more than just 'friendly' feelings and you remember it freaking you out. You were Quinn Fabray, head cheerleader and captain of the celibacy club. You weren't supposed to be having...feelings towards your 'girl' best friend but still, you couldn't stay away. You'd kept it to yourself and you'd pretended to not burn with desire every time that she would touch you, or look at you or even smile at you and you'd been doing a fine job of pretending that you weren't affected, until she kissed you.
You remember how she tasted of cherries and how soft her lips were. You remember her thumb affectionately stroking your jaw and the way her eyes had told you that she wasn't the only one who had been good at pretending. You also remember running your hands through her hair before tilting her chin up and connecting your lips again. You knew then that no one else would ever make you feel like or the things that she did. She completed you and complemented you in a way that no one could ever duplicate.
She agreed to your terms for a relationship and for four years she loved you without question, put up with all of your drama and held onto the sides of her chair to stop herself from killing Finn every time that he put his hands on you. For four years she made love to you in secret and kept all of your secrets but in one moment of rare panic, it was all gone.
"Guess what I got in the mail this morning?"
"I don't know," you close your locker and she falls into step beside you, always right beside you, "Tell me."
"Three acceptance letters," the excitement palpable in her voice even though she tried to downplay it, "One from UCLA, one from NYU and one from my dream school."
"Harvard?" you question.
"Harvard." Her smug answer.
"Well look at you," your shoulder playfully nudging hers, "I think I'm more proud of you than your parents are."
"Speaking of being proud," she says pulling you into an empty classroom, "I was thinking about telling my parents about us."
"You were what?" your hand immediately pulling out of hers, "You can't be serious?"
"Why not?"
"Santana if you tell your parents then they'll tell my parents and if my parents find out, all hell is going to break loose. I'm not so sure that I'm ready for that."
"You were the one who said that we could tell them senior year," her arms folding across her chest, "News flash, we're in senior year Quinn."
"I know that's what I said but why do we have to tell anyone?" her scoff and head shake doing nothing to deter you, "Why can't we just continue being how we are?"
"Because I'm sick and tired of seeing you walk down these fucking halls with Finn Hudson on your arm!" she practically growls.
"I get that but-"
"No you don't get it," and she takes a deep breath to still the tears, "I love you and I want the world to know that. I'm sick and tired of pretending that I don't want to kill everyone that looks at you, I'm sick and tired of pretending that every love song that I sing in glee club is for Sam, god dammit Quinn I'm just sick and tired of pretending that I'm something that I'm not. Aren't you tired?"
"I am but I can't stop-"
"Can't or won't?"
"I love you Santana and I'm sorry but I just can't."
"One day I sincerely hope that you can Quinn," her fingers wiping at the tears on her cheeks, "Because I won't be your dirty little secret anymore."
On the day that Principal Figgins hands you all your diplomas and Mr. Schue sings you one last song, Santana stands before the glee club with Mercedes and Sam holding each of her hands and tells them the truth. Her truth, not yours. Even after you had surely broken her heart she still chose to protect your secret because she knew you weren't ready to tell it. You couldn't have loved her any more in that moment if you tried. You wanted to hug her and congratulate her for as Puck said, 'being a badass and embracing her truth' but you stayed seated and silent.
You find out from Mercedes that she chose UCLA over NYU and Harvard and you know that the reason she decided not to go to her dream school is because of you. You wanted to reach out and tell her to not be an idiot but you don't.
You both leave for separate coasts without saying goodbye.
You come out eventually and the only person who was genuinely clueless turned out to be Finn. Everyone was genuinely clueless however when you started dating Rachel. During one of your trips out to visit her and Kurt for the weekend, she told you that she'd always been in love with you. You'd been single since Santana and when she asked you to give it a try, you said why not. If you couldn't be with the one you love, you'd love the one you were with.
Of course she needed it to be made Facebook official and after one month of her incessant nagging, you give in.
Santana Lopez likes this was not something that you ever expected to see in a million years, but there it was sitting at the top of your notifications. She'd been radio silent with you for two years and the irony that the last time you spoke was about your sexuality isn't lost on you. She liked it because she wanted you to know that she knew and that she was proud of you and you remember then why you loved her, and why you still did. You remember why you always would. She also liked it because she hated Rachel and she wanted you to know that she wasn't too happy that you chose to make that statement with someone who wasn't her. You wanted to send her a message but you had no clue of what to even begin to say, so you don't.
You find out from Mercedes about her and Brittany and it makes you sick, literally. If this is how she felt when she found out about Rachel, you were more than a little sorry that she did. You block all phone calls, only respond to text messages and avoid Facebook for weeks.
You and Rachel break up after two years and it spirals into a horrible fight. The entire glee club gets dragged into it and of course sides are chosen. It's sad and quite frankly, stupid but it is what it is and at least you had Mercedes.
Santana changes her Facebook status three days later to: I'd still choose you, every time.
Everyone likes it. Everyone except you.
Kurt starts dating Blaine junior year, and the hills are alive with the sound of music when everyone finds out that he's your cousin. He posts a picture of the three of you at dinner and the comments start pouring in, but it's not a comment that catches your eye.
Mercedes Jones: You both look so good Kurt! You too Quinn, miss you. : Santana Lopez likes this comment.
You wanted to ask her if she liked the first half or the second half but you refrain.
There's a New Directions reunion the year that you all graduate college, but you don't go to it and according to Mercedes, neither Santana nor Rachel show up to it either. You supposed it was for the best. Santana liking your post to them may seem like support but she'd beat the crap out of Rachel if she ever got the chance. Neither Rachel nor Santana show up to the reunion the year after that either. Rachel comes to the third one but you both ignore each other. There were no longer any sides but you still weren't on each others'.
News of Kurt's engagement makes it way to Facebook and everyone is naturally thrilled.
Kurt Hummel: Hey Santana, engagement party at your Los Angeles estate?
Santana Lopez: You'll find any excuse to come see me won't you Hummel?
Kurt Hummel: Like you don't enjoy my company.
Santana Lopez: You annoy me and yes, you can have your engagement party here.
"Are you coming?" Mercedes asks when she calls.
"Should I?" the invitation still open on your desk, "I mean it's been 6 years of radio silence."
"Why is that?" and you're surprised that she doesn't know, "One minute you two were thick as thieves and then the next thing I know, she's on the west coast and you're on the east."
"She never told you?"
"Are you going to?"
"Do you have wine close by?" there's a yes followed by laughter, "Good. Cause you're going to have to drink for me."
.
"Where do you want these chairs Ms. Lopez?"
"Over there," you direct to the crew worker, "And the fountain goes over there."
You were doing this for Kurt. That's what you had been telling yourself ever since he'd introduced you to Blaine. You told yourself that you were actively trying to be nice and listen to him and not poke fun at his hideous bowties because he was important to Kurt but you knew better, it was about Quinn. Everything was always about Quinn.
The first time that you ever saw her was in church of all places and that moment would forever be ingrained in your mind. She was beautiful without even trying sitting there pretending to be paying attention to whatever the priest had been saying. You hadn't even noticed that you were staring until her eyes found yours from across the pew and she quirked a questioning eyebrow at you. You turned forward so quickly you were surprised that you're neck hadn't snapped clean off. Your eyes sought her out again minutes later and you were more than a little surprised that she was already staring back at you. She gave you this look then, like she knew something that you didn't and looking back on it now, you're certain that's the moment when she knew you were in love with her. The moment she knew that you would always be.
You could've stayed with her in the closet and some part of you wished that you had because you'd probably still be together right now but you were tired of living a lie and you just couldn't anymore. You weren't mad that she didn't want to take the leap with you, disappointed? Sure, heartbroken? Obviously, but you weren't mad.
You were pissed as fuck when you found out about her and Rachel however and you liked her post purely for the sake of letting her know that. You were happy that she'd finally embraced her truth but you hadn't been keeping her secret all of those years to have her come clean about it with fucking Rachel Berry. That broke your heart more than losing her ever did. You always thought that when she was ready to face the world, she'd find you again so you could face it together but she didn't and you didn't know why.
"Are you excited about tonight?" Kurt's excitement clear over the phone, "This is going to be the first time that you've seen Quinn in what?"
"6 years," you breathed, "6 fucking years."
"Why did you shut her out?" he queries, "I mean I thought you two were best friends."
"It's complicated Kurt."
"Friendships get complicated all the time. I mean look at us," he presses on, "Something else happened between you both, what is it?"
"See what I mean about annoying?" you ask already resigning yourself to endure his questions. You'd never told anyone about you and Quinn, not even Brittany or Mercedes.
"Start talking before I come over three hours before schedule," and there's pure delight in his voice, "From the top."
.
"How do I look?" Kurt asks walking into the room.
"You're wearing a bowtie?" you reply while adjusting it slightly, "Did Blaine dress you?"
"He did actually yes."
"Kurt Hummel letting someone else dress him?" and you poke him in the shoulder, "You really are in love."
"Speaking of love," a smile playing upon his lips, "I spoke to Santana earlier."
"That isn't exactly news Kurt," you glance at him briefly, "I know you love her."
"Do you?"
You don't even have to think about it,
"I never stopped."
"You and Rachel getting together and breaking up makes so much more sense now," he says holding his hand out to you, "Something she still wants to kick Rachel's ass for by the way."
"She told you that?"
"Oh honey, you know as well as I do that she didn't have to say it."
.
She arrived with Kurt and Blaine and you disappeared into the kitchen not long afterwards. For 6 years you'd wondered what you would do if you ever saw her again and for 6 years you convinced yourself that you'd be civil. That however turns out to be a lie. You couldn't even bring yourself to look in her direction. Blaine gave you a soft smile in understanding when you excused yourself minutes later. Last thing you saw before you disappeared was Mercedes and Kurt sitting down with Quinn.
She looked the same except even more beautiful. Her hair's longer and her eyes seem lighter than you remembered. You wondered if you'd ever get to discover all the ways that her body had changed too.
"Santana," and your breath catches at the voice, "Can we talk for a second?"
"Please," your eyes moving of their own accord to where she stands in the entryway and your heart stops at the sight, "I don't want to yell, or fight, or scream. I just want to talk."
"Talk about what?" you ask as you struggle to regain your composure.
You almost felt pathetic for needing to hear her say it after all this time, for needing her to validate the feelings that you still carried around for her, needing her to put to rest your doubts on whether or not she still felt the same but you couldn't find it in you to care right now. You'd been dying to know for 6 whole years and house filled with people who would all call you one by one within the next couple of days to get the scoop and then call each other afterwards to discuss their findings or not, you wanted to hear her say it.
"Us," Is all she says and the tears spring to your eyes involuntarily, "I want to talk about us."
"There is no us Quinn," you don't mean it but you say it anyway, "There's a you and an I but there is no us."
"You know as well as I do that there would always be an us," she takes one step in your direction, "And I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to say that."
"Why are you saying it now?"
"Because I love you and I want you back," and you're thankful for the chair to your left, "I never stopped loving you and I never stopped wanting you back."
"Is that what Rachel was?" you know that she wants to roll her eyes but she just briefly closes them instead, "Cause I sure as hell felt wanted and loved by that."
"Rachel never should have happened and I'm sorry but you were gone, radio silent and actively ignoring me. Two years Santana, two years I waited for you to just answer one of my phone calls but you never did. I told myself that you didn't feel the same anymore, you made me feel like you didn't feel the same anymore."
"I told you that I wouldn't be your dirty little secret anymore and we both know that if you had asked me to be with you like that again my answer would have been yes. I was giving you space to come to grips with who you were, not to fucking be with Rachel Berry. How could you ever think that I wouldn't feel the same?"
"If you had responded to one of my god damn text messages I would have known!"
She's directly in front of you now but you don't have time to wonder how you both ended up in this position before her lips are on yours and your hands are in her hair. It's nothing at all like you remembered; it's a whole lot better. It's passionate in a way that it's never been before and your body reacts in the only way it knows how, you want her but it's too much, too soon and you struggle against you heart, mind, and body before going with your mind and pulling away from her. You're both breathing heavily and you can see the pure and unbridled lust in her eyes. It almost makes you kiss her again, almost.
"Why are you doing this Quinn? I was doing fine without you."
"Is fine what Brittany was?" and she does roll her eyes this time, "You deserve so much better than fine don't you think?"
"Quinn-"
"I don't want to spend another minute on 'what if's' Santana. We've wasted enough time already being stupid and avoiding each other but I don't want us to do that anymore," she holds her hand out for yours and you let her take it, "The last time we had a conversation about us I freaked out and I'm sorry but I'm not that scared little girl anymore. I meant what I said Santana; I've never stopped loving you and wanting you back and if I have to move to LA and carry you on dates just to get you to say yes to this, then that's what I'll do."
And she means it, you know that she does and it's exactly what you've been waiting the past 6 years for. Still, you're you and you can't help but give her one last chance at an out. You'd rather be disappointed now than later.
"I love you Quinn and I'm sorry but I just can't."
And she looks exactly like you felt when she had said the exact same thing to you. You want to reach out and stop her from breaking, but you don't.
"One day I sincerely hope that you can Santana," and your heart squeezes at the words, "Because I don't want you to be my dirty little secret anymore."
The doorbell rings then and you slowly disentangle your hand from hers as you walk by and out to answer it.
"Rachel?"
And you pinch yourself because this could not be real life.
"Santana, may I come in?"
Ever since you found out about her and Quinn you wondered what you would do if you ever saw her again and after they broke up you convinced yourself that you'd be civil. That however turns out to be a lie.
She goes down and stays there after your fist connects with her face and you smirk to yourself because you still had it. Lima Heights Adjacent represent.
"Nice hit," and you smile at the sight of Quinn walking towards you with an amused smirk on her face, "How do you feel?"
"Like I'm ready to leave the past in the past and start over," her amusement fades and her surprise appears, "We still have a lot to talk about but I've wanted you back to Quinn."
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb." Her left hand taking up residence over your beating heart.
"What a stupid lamb." Your fingers interlocking behind her neck.
"What a sick, masochistic lion."
She smiles at you then, a pure carefree smile more mesmerizing than you remembered and it makes you want to lean up and kiss her then, so you do.