Disclaimer: Does anyone ever get what they wish for on their birthday? Don't own em'.
Author's note: This is a Fault post-ep that I originally posted this on but I recently decided to post it on I never really decided if I wanted to continue this. I still don't know if I really like it or not. Anyway, I might continue depending on the feedback (if I get any). Btw, I'm sure there's tons of errors because I didn't bother to read it again before posting. Stupid, I know. Hope you like it! R & R!
STABLER RESIDENCE, 12:45 A.M.
Olivia couldn't sleep. Under normal circumstances, she wouldn't have bothered him, especially at this time. But today, today was far from normal. And she hated how it got under her skin. It shouldn't hurt this much to care. She felt like she was in a dream world that she couldn't escape. If she was really being honest, she would admit how her day was living hell. The cut on her neck was nothing compared to the cut in her heart. Elliot's heart had to be hurting, too, and that's how she knew he was still awake. They had both said things and done things earlier that they knew they'd regret later, but Olivia had no idea it would've taken them this far. She had no idea that it would've taken them to this point. This point where they were no longer partners. This point where she had to show up at his house unannounced because she feared he'd push her away otherwise. As she rang his doorbell in the frigid air, all she could think about was how awkward it would be to talk to him. It was never this awkward before. But then again, they were partners back then. God, it hurt. She rang the doorbell again, if only to distract her from thinking about it too much. After waiting two more minutes, she cursed under her breath. She knew this was a stupid idea. But he got her everytime. Olivia turned, tears slipping down her cheeks and she walked towards her car. Almost by the book, she heard Elliot's front door open as she opened her car door.
"Wait. I don't want you to go. If you wanna talk, then fine, come in. I'm not gonna push you away anymore." Elliot's voice penetrated the thick, cool air between them. He spoke softly, yet he sounded so tired, like a man who had lost his will. Like a man who lost his partner.
Her sigh was his response. At the moment, she couldn't find the right words. She wiped her eyes then turned to follow him inside. They both subconsciously went for the living room and settled on the couch, mentally bracing for the storm ahead.
"Do you want me to take your coat?" He stood and outstretched his hand.
She looked up at him, not believing he just asked such a stupid question. "Elliot, we just sat down."
"I know," was all he said.
She hesitated. It was all silent, until Olivia whispered a quiet, "Yeah." She placed her jacket in his hands, trying for the first time to make eye contact after their earlier fallout. Elliot just looked down at his socks. He returned and went back to his seat next to her on the couch. They had never been so close and so far away at the same time. Each was waiting for the other to make the first move. Olivia cleared her throat.
"I told Cragen I," she fiddled her hands in her lap.
"He called." He looked over at her. And this time it was Olivia who couldn't make eye contact, even though she could feel him looking at her. Instead she took the offensive.
"Look Elliot, could you please just open up for once? It's always take with you. You never give." she pleaded, her voice sounding shaky. Elliot stared at her, stunned. He knew she had always kept things inside, but he figured she was always open with him.
"I..." he took a deep breath, "God, Liv." He dropped his head to the floor in shame.
"Please don't call me that," she said in a strong whisper, a tear escaping from her eye. This was harder than she thought. At least her request was enough to make him lift his head.
"I don't know where to begin." he said honestly.
Her anger began to build up. "Like you really need help, Elliot? How about explaining why we can't be partners? How about explaining your statement earlier? How could you even think I'd take that shot? How about explaining why you never fail to push me away?" And just like that, there it was. All her problems and all her pain were out in the open. Elliot Stabler looked at her and for the first time, really saw her: her heart, her soul, her fire, and the pain she tried so hard to hide. The pain he'd been the cause of. He heard her words from the heart and understood. His eyes watered at how he could've been so ignorant to ignore the suffering of his partner during the last few months. She was right about what she said earlier. He really was a son of a bitch.
"Olivia," It was so hard for him to do this. She wasn't even looking him in the eye. But it was now or never. He'd rather speak from his heart and leave her devastated or angry at him for some reason than lie to her and have her never want to speak to him for the rest of her life. "I'm sorry for pushing you away. I never meant to hurt you, though. Believe that. Not that this is any excuse, but at the time it was so hard for me to see past my own pain that I didn't think anything else mattered. I realize now that I was so wrong. And if I wasn't." he took a deep breath. "If I wasn't so goddamn ignorant I never would have let that happen." She brought her head up but looked away. He knew it was her own little way of showing she was listening, so he just continued to talk, looking at her hair.
"About what I said earlier, about you taking that shot, I think a part of me just wanted to hear how you'd respond. I needed to know, Olivia, that despite all this, despite what happened today, you still cared. And maybe that's exactly why we can't be partners. Maybe that's why this can't work. We're too attached, and we can't let that interfere with doing our job." He knew that was the hardest thing he'd ever had to say.
She brought her head back down again, talking into her lap. "Would you have taken that shot Elliot?" she finally looked into his eyes, her vulnerability on display. "If it was me, would you have taken that shot?"
He smiled slightly through his tears. "No. I couldn't have."
Her tears started to burn. "Then maybe you are right, Elliot. We shouldn't be partners." She paused a moment. "Is that what you really want Elliot? Because if it is, than that's what I want to." A lump formed in her throat, and she had to fight breaking down. Lying never hurt this bad.
"I never wanted this Olivia. What I said...that was me pushing you away. What we have, I don't want to lose." he looked deep into her eyes, praying she knew how they could make this right.
"Than how," she began to lose control. More tears traveled down her cheeks. "How do we make this work?"
He didn't respond...he only touched her. For the first time in months, he touched her. Unlike all those pats on the back, however, this was new. Intimate. He gently cupped her cheek and tilted her face upwards. His eyes misted when he saw all the pain deep in her eyes. His thumb grazed her cheek ever so softly and wiped away a solitary tear. He smiled his brilliant smile at her, but his eyes showed her same sadness. She made an effort to smile back. He pulled her in close and tucked her head into his shoulder. She clung to him, as if afraid to let go.
"I don't know how to make this work Olivia." he spoke, ashamed he was letting her down. "I don't know." When she heard his words, how he didn't know what they could do, she broke down. Her body shook into his, and he pulled her in closer. Wet tears soaked his shirt. He whispered soft Shhh's to calm her. When she settled back to normal he hugged her close and stroked her hair. All the while, he couldn't help but let the tears fall. No, he couldn't lose this. He would rather die. Tears traveled slowly down his cheeks as he waited for her to fall asleep. Once he heard her even breathing, he relaxed enough to get them situated so they could sleep comfortably on the couch. Her face was just inches from his, and she looked so peaceful in her sleep. He reverently kissed her forehead before closing his own eyes.
"Goodnight, Liv."