12 Ways to Get Rid of Your Fangirl

by Crimson Flares

Summary: Gray finds a mysterious piece of paper taped on a table.

Disclaimer: No, Fairy Tail is not mine. And I don't mind not being the author, because if I was Mashima-sensei, Gruvia would've been canon ages ago and the story would ultimately suck.

Author's Notes: Gray's a charmer, but I can never get away with him with Juvia flitting around. *cries* But if someone does me a favor and throw Lucy in a cupboard, I'll give you cookies and invite you to my wedding — the Natsu and Me wedding. :3

1. Avoid her.

It's not like I never tried but hey, she's my guild mate! We're friends! She can be creepy and all, but it's not like I can avoid her. We see each other all the time, because we have to. We talk to each other too, because we have to. We eat together as well, sometimes go to missions together, do friendly whatnot. Naturally, because like I said, we're friggin' friends. We're freaking guildmates!

Nothing else, I swear. This is just a dumb piece of paper, anyway.

2. Give her a straight no.

This is stupid.

I've done this a million gajeellion times and heck, nothing ever works on her. She's like those creepy giant beetles who never give in to pesticide at Natsu's dump pit of a garden. Only much, much more prettier that is — no darn it, don't give me that look. Every human who sees her gives her that thing people — mostly girls, but whatever — call the 'second look'. And more often than not, those snakey pedophiles give her a third. They're frozen the instant they're off her vision but hey, I'm doing that from sheer protectiveness. No other reason.

3. Approach someone to help you.

Hold on a second, I don't even have an idea why I'm still getting through this list. I'm a freaking genius of a guy, and geniuses don't take false advice from a random paper he found taped in a table. And heck, she's not even my fangirl. She's just some pretty chick who thinks I'm hot. That's all.

But anyway, I follow the list and decided to approach the first options I see —

Lucy and Levy. Perfect.

"Hey, guys." I said, sitting beside Levy, right across Lucy. Lucy greeted me back, because Levy was suddenly snatched by Gajeel the moment I slid on the bench next to her. I gave Gajeel a look and he acknowledge me with a nod.

"Lily and I are going on a mission," he grunted, now holding Levy by the back of her collar. "And I reckon we're gonna need ya, shrimp."

Said shrimp rolled her eyes. "You say that a lot," she said in a scolding manner. Even though she was held up by Gajeel in a not-so-comfortable way, she held herself pretty confidently, as though she was used to the rough treatment. "You just want me to come with you. Grow another pair!"

For someone known for being kind of dense, Gajeel actually got the message from Levy's ambiguous little retort. He shrugged it off, although he looked a little pink in the ears.

"Say whatever you want, shrimp." He growled. "You're still coming, anyway."

"What other choice do I have," Levy muttered as she mournfully waved Lucy and Gray goodbye while she was dragged off the guild by Gajeel.

"Quite a pair, are they not?" Lucy turned towards me, giggling. I rolled my eyes. I'm still quite not over that 'grow another pair' thing. I'm held between being scared and having fun of Levy's new tact with Gajeel with it. "So, what's with you approaching suddenly, anyway?"

4. Try to make her hate you.

Even with Levy gone, I'm still going over with this plan. Lucy's a perfect bait — I mean partner-in-crime. C'mon, she hates Lucy. Or dislikes her. Whatever.

I grin at Lucy and hand her the ripped notepad page in my hands. Her eyes skim over it with a frown — but at one point she snorts so hard that she nearly choked. She hands it back to me, restraining herself from laughing.

"Seriously, Gray? I mean, she's not your stalker. She just thinks you're hot, whereas the rest of the female population thinks you're a pervert." She rolls her eyes. "Anyway, Ju —"

I shush her by slapping my hand on her mouth. She scowls and slaps it off. I look at her apologetically, glad that Natsu's nowhere. He'll murder me for touching his girlfriend and throw my decaying body in a dump. Not a very endearing idea, really.

"I'm in step four," I tell Lucy. She shakes her head, but a small smile played on her lips. "And I'll need your help. I know and I'm sorry about her not being very fond of you when I'm around but —"

"So you're using me as a bait?"

"Not bait, just partner-in-crime." I say. Lucy laughs and places her palm on her face as though I'm the most shameful thing she's ever seen.

"Everything'll backfire in the end, you know." She tells me kindly. I roll my eyes at her wrongly placed sympathy. "Okay, why are you doing this anyway?"

"Er — because I don't want a good friend of mine waking up one morning to realize that she's wasted her life stalking a, er —"

"A stripper?" Lucy guffawed as she finished my sentence. I gave her a look. "Well, Gray. So let me guess — you're asking quite nicely me to be your bait. It's such an incredibly fun idea I can't wait to die." She shook her head. "Just look at her now, behind that pillar. I'm assuming my chuckles gave her thoughts about us flirting, so there goes what you want." Now she glares at me. This is so unlike Lucy, actually — I looked at her, mouth gaping open. Either she's on her periods or she's pregnant. "Step four says try to make her hate you, not me, you know." Lucy sighed. "I'm leaving. I'm going to wake Natsu up. Later, Gray — if I'm still alive, anyway."

5. Try hanging out with her to see if he or she would really stick around.

"Gray-sama," she sang as she took Lucy's place across me. I shivered inwardly — the way she spoke my name was endearing and lovely, but I'm not sure how to handle the dark, murky aura seeping out of her skin, especially when it screams D-E-A-T-H all over.

I suddenly pray for Lucy's life. I have wasted it, goddarnit. Natsu's gonna murder me. Bless your soul, Lucy Heartfilia-(almost) Dragneel.

But Lucy's a friend. I have to save her freaking life! Get it together, Gray! Distract the freaking demon!

I sighed. I half-heartedly waved at the — my 'fangirl' sitting across me and slumped my head on the table. She squeals at how adorable that looked. I'm impressed — with myself, that is.

I initially wanted to take heed of the advice by asking her to get some Franks with me — but isn't that like a date? A friggen' date?

Of course I'll be more endearing.

If I slumped here all day, she could get bored and leave me alone. Like, forever? Hopefully.

Sometimes, I blame my parents for this beautiful face of a god they gave me.

6. Tell her you want space.

It seemed like hours (AUTHOR: DON'T BELIEVE HIM. IT WAS TWO MINUTES OKAY) and she's still there, probably watching me. I feel self-concious and claustrophobic suddenly — where did my pants go?!

I need space. As a person and as a man. And my pants too.

"Hey look," I say slowly. I try to make an eye contact with her, but instead of dark blue eyeballs, I find myself trying to make eye-contact with a pair of hearts.

What the heck —?

"Listen," I began again, clearing my throat. "I need space."

At this, her eyes — yes, now normal — widened. She looked rather shocked. "Oh, Gray-sama! Juvia is sorry," she shook her head. Has step six worked? "Of course you need space. You can't put your pants back when your legs are under the table right?" She shakes her head again and winks at me. "I'll go get some pants. Make space and be careful with your boxers while I grab some pants, okay?"

And she walked away.

DAMN.

7. Ask her friend for help - he or she might help you untangle the fangirl from you.

Well — she's in the storage room right now, but I might need this for later. Who were her close friends again?

Gajeel. No wait, he's gone in a mission.

Levy? No wait, Gajeel dragged her away.

Lucy's getting through Natsu's sea of laundry right now.

Cana? Maybe when she's sober.

Laxus? He's nowhere.

Lisanna? No wait, she called sick earlier.

Erza? No, she's eating cake.

And then there's me.

GOD DAMN IT.

8. Punch a wall, dude.

And so I did. I'm panicking, holy shit. What am I gonna do with my life?! I got Lucy's life threatened, Natsu's gonna kill me, I have a stalker who's apparently the "Yunno Gasai of Fairy Tail yada yada hoo" or something. I hear she can kill. Damn, someone throw me in a cupboard and please, pretty please let me live there forever.

9. Ask Erza to hit you.

"ERZA!" I screeched over the room. My voice echoed all through the hall as everyone looks upon my frantic, desperate self. "Erza! ERZA! PLEASE HIT —"

Erza was glaring at me, her demon eyes glinting a bright red even if she was on the other side of the room.

That's when I realized my mistake.

She dropped her fucking cake.

"—me?"

Oh, shit.

I fainted from stress before she reached me, clad in that Nakagami Armor.

10. Don't approach Cana. EVER.

I regained consciousness with my head slumped over a table. Someone was sitting across me, but my fangirl isn't back yet. I looked up to see Cana (who was sitting-indian style on the table) smirking down at me, patting the half-empty beer barrel beside her.

"Hey, Gray!" She said. "Fancy seeing you alive. Enjoying the list?"

SHe knows about the list? Wha—?

I checked step number ten.

It says, Don't approach Cana. EVER.

I gulped and grabbed the barrel. With one hand, I hopped off the bench and with the other, I slapped the barrel at Cana. Near miss over there.

Awesome girly freak show out there, Gray. Silver sends his shame from heaven.

11. Beg Mirajane for help.

I somehow reached the bar unscathed. I looked back — Cana was knocked out cold by my barrel slap and Wendy was prod her alive. Romeo had an am over her shoulder, telling her Cana's fine. Wendy was boiling red in no time.

But whatver. Not just Natsu's gonna kill me, but Gildarts too. Gildarts. I'm done for.

"Something wrong, Gray?" MIra offers kindly behind me. I turned around haggardly. i'm a freaking wreck!

"Help me," I squeaked. I hand her the list. An evil smile crept across her graceful face — oh shiz, don't tell me —!?

"Did any step here help at all, Gray?"

"No," I managed weakly. "None at all."

"There's a step twelve." She winks. I cry inside. End of my freaking life. She hands the list back to me. "I think it would give reason."

12. Give it up, you ass. You're her little fanboy, too.

"GRAY~SAMA!" I hear that voice again. I see Juvia in the doors looking like a goddess — she was so beautiful. Why did I ever let her beauty be ignored? That smile, those eyes, and the pair of pants hanging by her arms. She looks perfect. Why have I never noticed before?

But before she can run to me, a familiar voice creeps in and a hand snakes its way to Juvia' glorious blue locks.

Lyon. That little snake.

"Juvia," he freaking winked at Juvia — my Juvia. She stammered. He whispers something in her ear and she boils red. Something from the bottom in my stomach growls.

The next thing I knew, I was ripping Lyon off Juvia and was telling Juvia to come with me.

"Eh?" She stuttered, stuck between me and my senior.

"Get off, Lyon, don't go taking what's mine." I hissed. Lyon snorted. Ugly toad.

"Yours? She's yours? You ignore her and you call her yours? Very unmanly, Gray." He says, shaking his head. I freeze him and kiss the girl in my arms.

"You're mine," I say.

A/N: Yeah, it sucks. But it's eleven and i want to post this before saturday (which is an hour from now). i'll try to edit tom, i'm sleeping. bye guys!
P.S. I know the last part was dud. I know. kick me now and ready the tomatoes.