Brendan
I'm dead proud me, cause I finally stuck up for myself, I stood up to Brendan at last. It wasn't about if I loved him or not, it was about what I was prepared to put up with. I told him so many times that he was running out of chances but he kept pushing me and now they are all gone. Being through everything that I have with him has made me stronger, a year ago I wouldn't have been able to pull the wool over his eyes, but now it was all different. I'd grown so much, not just with him but with everything and im not being treated the way I did before, not by anyone and certainly not by him. But did I wonder about him, wonder if I'd made the right choice? Then the answer would have to yes….all the time. I'd never seen him look as genuine as he did that day; he even kissed me infront of Amy. The last time Amy witnessed us kissing I got smacked around; I was someone to be ashamed of back then. Now it wasn't like that, he was kissing me infront of the world like it was the most natural thing to do.
I should have pulled away the moment his lips touched mine, but I couldn't. Even though I was playing him a few kisses inbetween wouldn't hurt, kissing him always did feel so good. See that was the thing with Brendan Brady I don't know how he does it but he manages to make you want him even when you don't think you do. It's like he hypnotises you, controls you, gets under your skin until all you can think about is him and before you know it he consumes your whole being. I kinda hoped those feelings were all in the past, now that I have my new life with Doug, but they are still there as strong as ever. Every time I get myself someone new he has to interfere, play with me, try and make me his again. Only this time I stood my ground and said no, and I hurt him like I never had before. Not only did I steal eighty thousand pounds off of him but I stole his heart too. I would have done anything to have him in my life a year ago, even six months ago, but not now, he'd only hit me or let me down again. I don't think I could handle going through that. Things between us were only going to change if I changed them, so that's what I did.
Doug is right for me, there is no game playing with him and I know how he feels about me because I feel the same about him. We love each other. Okay so it's not Brendan love, you know the kind that makes you have goose bumps and butterflies. It's not intense, passionate and exciting and it's not the kind of love that you'd die for but its love all the same. Its safe with Doug, I know where I stand and that is so important to me after everything I went through with my moustached man. Who knows maybe in time love with Doug will grow into something much more. The thing is though Brendan doesn't seem to leave me alone; he seems to be there all the time. He must come into the deli twice a day, if I go to the shop he's there, it's like he knows where I am every minute of the day. Even when I am asleep he finds his way to get to me, through my dreams. I don't think that I will ever be free of him. I remember saying to him once
"You're never going to leave me alone are ya?"
Look how true that has turned out to be. I wonder how long I can go on pretending, trying to bury all these feelings that I still have for him, I feel like I'm going to explode. Like any second now im going to blurt it all out that I still love him and I'll ruin everything all over again. He doesn't even seem annoyed about the money, and the calmness of him I will admit is starting to worry me. I never know what he is thinking that way, the only thing I know is that he loves me, in his own fucked up way he loves me, I know that, more now than ever. He told me he was done using his fists, told me that he would look after me, I don't doubt that but it would always be on his terms, that part of him would never change and I needed us to be equal. But nothing would be equal as far as Brendan goes; he is just too strong, too stubborn and too set in his ways.
So life for me now is pretty normal. I really do have it all, my kids, my own business, my friends and Doug. Gone are those dark days with Brendan, where everything was uncertain, unexpected, and unpredictable. How could I even miss those days? But the thing is I do. The not knowing what the day would bring, the excitement, being so desired, so wanted and so adored. No one will ever look at me the way he did, the way he still does. If I'm honest I wouldn't even want them to. I sometimes wonder what I'd do if he ever stopped trying to win me back, because if he ever stopped then I know it would really be over between us and I still don't want it to be. I know im with Doug and none of this makes any sense but that's just the way i feel. Who knows what the future holds for me, nobody knows what's around the corner, but I do know it's not the end for us because he still is the love of my life, he is my one…..Brendan.
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