Before Time's Collapse
Blue Paper Plane
A/N:
Warnings: Kandalee. Zero Yullen or KandaLavi. Zero lime/lemon. An OC who is nothing of a Mary Sue, although I've named her for myself, and a very possibly OOC Kanda. (Hey. Whenever you write any kind of pairing for Kanda, it's bound to seem OOC). Read at your own risk.
So, without further ado, my story!
Chapter One: A Dream
"All right, squad members, I have an announcement!" Komui calls excitedly from a raised podium in the great hall, as the members of the Black Order gaze upon him with curiosity.
"Squad members?" someone asks somewhere in the crowd. "We're squad members now? Jesus."
"Che." The sound of my annoyance is a hiss, coming out harsh through my teeth.
Beside me, I feel Lenalee shift uncomfortably.
"We have a new exorcist. Her name is Yang Kyung In from the Asia branch, where she has been training for many years. Please welcome her warmly.
A snow-pale, Korean girl walks up beside Komui. She has glossy, black-brown hair she wears in a ponytail at the nape of her neck. She wears the exorcist uniform with long, black slacks instead of the short skirt Lenalee opts for. Her dark eyes are narrow and calculating.
There is a shuffling in the crowd as people begin to murmur to one another. "Her beauty challenges Lenalee's," someone says.
"No, hers surpasses it," says another, and others nodded in agreement.
How daring they are to speak of such things! Suppressing the urge to whip out Mugen on someone, I glance at Lenalee on my right. She doesn't really seem to mind the statements being made about her attractiveness; she just stares on at Kyung In as if she too is entranced by her loveliness.
Kyung In steps up to the podium. "Good evening. As you already know, my name is Yang Kyung In. I have been training as an exorcist since I was four, when I left my home in Seoul, Korea. So far I have already collected many innocences, and I assure you that I am powerful. Probably more powerful than you. Those who doubt me, you shall regret it. I hope I've made that perfectly clear. On a brighter note, I look forward to getting to know each and every one of you, my comrades. My hope is to be on good terms with everyone. That is all."
Kyung In's lips, like a pale rosebud twist into a smirk. She steps down from the podium and calmly takes a seat nearby.
Komui fixes his glasses nervously, so they stay on the bridge of his nose. "Ahem. You're all dismissed."
The crowd bursts into conversation. I feel Lenalee's gaze land on me, so I turn and say, "What is it?"
"It's just that girl! How rude, calmly threatening people like that! Ugh, I hate her already!" Lenalee explodes, stomping her foot like a child. "I hate her!"
"Calm down, Lenalee. It's not like she's the first to have threatened anyone in a rude manner." My head snaps in Allen's direction. The beansprout is approaching from across the room, grinning victoriously. Like he's won the lottery, just being able to insult me. Stupid beansprout.
"What, Bakanda? It's the truth," Allen says, eyeing the apparently furious expression on my face.
"Say that again, and I'll kill you," I inform him in a low growl.
His eyes widen in mock-horror. Instantly, my hand shoots to Mugen on my belt. But before I can swipe it out and activate it, I hear the rabbit.
"Yuuuuuu-chan! Whasuuuuup?" Lavi butts in, slinging his arm around my shoulders.
"Rabbit," I mutter. Just what I need: two idiots to irritate me out of my mind.
"Sooooo. That Kyung In was pretty cute, wasn't she?" Lavi says.
Lenalee makes some weird choking sound like a dying sparrow, and storms off.
"Lenalee? Hey, Lenalee? Yu-chan, what'd I do?"
"Don't call me that!" I snap, pulling away from him. Lavi pouts, yet at the same time he kind of looks like he wants to cower.
"Hey Yu, I'm your best friend, why are you so mean to me?"
"WHAT DID I JUST SAY, YOU WORTHLESS RABBIT? DON'T CALL ME THAT, EVER!"
"Sorry, Kanda," Lavi says timidly. I swear, I never thought I'd see the day.
Grudgingly, I draw my fingers away from Mugen, and simply walk away. I head off to my room on the next floor.
Halfway through the hall, I sense footsteps approaching, coming closer. Freezing in my tracks, I whirl around with Mugen already unsheathed and activated.
"Relax. It's me," Kyung In says, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. She's leaning on the wall, her tilted eyes scanning me as if for some kind answer.
If I was someone else, I might've twitched, and said something. But being who I am, I don't so much as move.
"You don't talk much, do you, Kanda?" she states, coming closer. I note the elegant strides her long legs take. How full of herself, she is.
"Funny. Any other would have asked how I knew his name. You're special, strong, different. You wear an apathetic façade every day, but underneath you're brooding, afraid to lose what little you have."
I don't even blink. She presses herself against my chest seductively; I pull away in a blunt response.
"Strong, handsome, emotionless, cunning. You're like me, a little. But you have apparent weakness, that's what is unappealing. And you have obvious feelings for that Chinese girl," Kyung In says.
"Lenalee? Don't be ridiculous," I scoff. The very idea!
Something flickers in the girl's eyes. "Really? But don't you want me?" she asks, her face a mask of hurt innocence. It's a lie, I know that.
There is no blush rising in my face, no embarrassment, nothing. My stony expression stays in tact.
Surely, Kyung In must be frustrated by now. However, she does not show it. Her lips curl into another cruel smirk, and she pulls me into an embrace. I almost pull away immediately, but she whispers in my ear. "Help me, Kanda. Help me take over the order, and end this war the right way. I'll defeat the Earl, I will bring balance, and I shall be God."
Clenching my fists, I stand my ground clearly. "No."
"Ah, so I see." She pauses, and removes her arms from around my neck. I scowl and turn toward my chamber door on the left.
"You would have been an extremely valuable comrade to me. But that's how it is. That's okay. I know your weakness now, and you'll regret underestimating me, Kanda Yu."
"I'll report you," I say. I mean it.
Kyung In chuckles softly, and I slam the door behind me.
Alone in my room, I collapse onto the floor. My head is spinning, and my vision is fuzzy. I get up and stagger to the bed. Just a short rest would be nice, just a short rest . . .
Slowly, my eyelids droop and I welcome in slumber like an old friend.
()()()
Reaching out, I stare into nothingness. Pitch, all around me.
The darkness brightens to a shade of navy, and far away is the lotus in the hourglass. My lotus in full bloom.
Horrified, I watch as it begins to lose its petals, slowly but surely. Rising to my feet, I begin to run toward, but the petals fall faster and faster.
Too late. I arrive as the last petal loosens and falls to the bottom of the hourglass.
I wake up gasping for air.
Quickly, reality snaps into perspective. I rip off the sheets of my bed and furiously wipe the sweat on my brow.
Just another nightmare. You're fine. The lotus is fine.
Swiping at my eyes, I glance over at the hourglass by my bedside. I blink. No, that can't be right. My vision is still blurred, and my mind still hazy. I blink and stare again.
Two left, with a heavy pile of fresh petals lying on the hourglass floor.
I blink and stare at the lotus.
I clench my teeth and my fists.
I feel my face contract in anguish, and bitter rage.
Dying. There are many times I've thought about dying in my life. Being what I am, an exorcist, has always meant death. I am a fighter, I do not fear death.
Death. The absence of life. Not being able to eat Jeryy's soba, not being able to kill akuma.
Not being able to deny my friends of the smile they so desperately wanted to see on my face, and feel appreciated.
Not being able to see the end of this war.
Not being able to be there for Lenalee when she needs a shoulder to cry on.
And sitting there like that, I come to a terrifying realization.
I really do fear death.
"Kanda!" Ironically, it's Lenalee's voice calling.
I don't answer. Lenalee pushes the door open and looks at me kneeling on the floor.
"Kanda, what's wrong?" she cries.
I don't answer. She doesn't wait for one. Lenalee crouches down next to me. "Y- y- you look so stricken, I've never seen you like that—"
Then she sees the lotus, and her lovely amethyst eyes widen. "It's that thing, isn't it? Kanda, tell me, what happens when the last petal falls from that flower?"
My voice comes out half-choked, which surprises even me. "I'm going to die," I admit.
A thousand emotions play across her face. Pain and sorrow overcome her small form, and she clamps hand over her mouth. A silent scream.
Lenalee's heart is in her eyes. Coldly, I avert my eyes and say, "if you're going to look like that, I can't see you. Leave me alone.
Just when I think her expression can't be any more painful, she does worse. The tears welled in her eyes trail down her cheeks, and she's crying. "I want to stay with you! Please, let me stay with you, please!"
"Leave me alone!" I shout, rage creeping into my voice. "Leave me alone, Lenalee! Get out of here!"
"No, no, no, I don't want to go, please let me stay, I- I-" Then she's rambling on incoherently, sobbing and sobbing and I don't want to see her do that.
Subconsciously, I take a new approach. "Please Lenalee, don't cry. I don't want you to do that, ever."
Her tears cease, and she stares up at me with a pale, tearstained face. She's shivering so much.
"Kanda, you were just nice to me. You said 'please'."
Then she smiles.
Struggling to process what she said to me, I just stare at her for a moment.
The heat rises to my face as I scowl and look away again. "Che."
"And you're blushing, too? Who are you, and what did you do with Kanda?"
"Whatever," I huff, heading for the door. "I want to eat Jeryy's soba for dinner."
Out of the corner of my eye, Lenalee's smile fades. "Kanda . . . I'm so sorry." Her voice breaks on her words.
"There's nothing we can do about it now. What's done is done," I say.
"Don't die," she whispers, and she weeps for me again. How pitiful it looks; it's cutting me like a jagged knife. I hate it when she looks that way; I hate it with a passion.
No. Scratch that. I don't feel passionate about anything, even if the emotion is contempt.
But Lenalee looks so fragile, crying like that. It sends a deep pang in my chest, and if I'd been anyone but who I am, for one solitary moment, I sort of want to cry with her.
So I step forward, and stroke her hair.
It's soft as a filly's, like a silken dark curtain. The length skims her shoulders and frames her face flatteringly.
"Lenalee, I promise to you not to die without a fight. I will protect your happiness."
Before I receive an answer, I pull her in close. And I kiss her.
Truth be told, I've never been kissed before. Not on the lips anyway. My lips cling firmly to hers, hungering and thirsting for more of her. This— it is fascinating, magical, haunting, and when we finally break apart, dazed, I know I'll always remember this very moment exactly the way it is.
Lenalee stares at me, dumbfounded. "You kissed me."
It sinks in. I kissed her. Not Allen. Not Lavi. Me.
Me, I'm detached. I've always been indifferent about everything. I'm not supposed to love anyone, I'm not supposed to kiss anyone.
"Just forget this ever happened," I tell her in a low voice.
"Kanda..."
"Forget it!" I draw my hand from her hair, and leave her alone in the room. I don't look back.
()()()
It's been two weeks, the longest Lenalee and I have ever spent without exchanging as much as a word to each other.
She wants to talk it out, she wants to let go. But she can't just forget, and I can't look her in the eyes. If I do, I'll—
I can never do that, as long as I live. Anything to keep me from feeling, showing true pain. Even if this hurts more, it won't show. I can wallow in silence. For me, it's easy to push someone away.
It's impossible to hold her close, then unwillingly leave her and cause her more pain.
I can't do that to Lenalee. I can't.
On Thursday at lunch, Lavi comes over to my table and sits next to me. "Eating alone? Soba again, I see."
I ignore him.
"We haven't gone on any missions to fight akuma in a while. Have we, Yu?"
I jab at a few cold soba noodles with my chopsticks.
"You know, the Finders are really pissed at you right now, 'cause you won't let them have this table, and there's nowhere else for them to sit..."
"Does it look like I care?" I snarl.
Lavi laughs. "Yu-chan."
I turn my attention back to my soba.
Carefully, Lavi's lone, peridot eye observes me, searching like the bookman he is. "You're not yourself."
"Che, what do you mean by that, baka usagi?"
"Normally you would've threatened to strangle me for calling you Yu-chan." He is dead serious. "And why haven't you looked at Lenalee all week? You're not fighting, are you?"
I don't answer.
Sighing, Lavi thrusts his hands casually behind his head and says, "Ah, well. I supposed you'll have your arguments every once and a while, just like any married couple would."
Lavi always knows exactly how to provoke me to my boiling point.
"That's it, Lavi. Leave me alone," I spat.
"I knew it. You love Lenalee don't you?" Lavi says softly. There's a sudden change in his attitude, and he looks dejected. This time, he isn't jesting or playing around, he's serious.
"If you were just friends, you would gave had Mugen at my throat right now."
Idiot. He's right.
"Idiot," I say, "You're cray. Now leave me alone."
But he sees through my protests. "You're the stupid one," Lavi snarls, and gets up from the table. This is the solemn side of him I never ever see.
Suddenly, I feel kind of guilty. But I don't let it show.
I won't let it show.
"Well, what are you waiting for? Leave!" I snap.
I kind of don't want him to go.
Lavi glowers, tight-lipped, and the emotion clouding his face is completely absent. No normal goofy grin. His face is empty.
Is this how my face always looks? Unreadable? Indifferent? Empty?
Yes, I know it always looks like that.
And that's the way I want it to be… right?
Lavi's poker face is harder to read than mine at this moment. Pale green eye clouded over with carelessness, he leaves.
I decide to forget him.
Several minutes later, I finish my soba and head up to my room. There, I look into the mirror as I take down my hair and pull it into another ponytail.
I glance over to the hourglass. Still two petals. Nothing more, nothing less.
Lenalee's the only one who knows about my upcoming death besides Komui. He told me to be careful, and didn't send me on any more missions. I think he knows I'll die soon, so he wants me to die doing what I know best- training, eating soba, and living at the Order.
It's a horrible lifestyle. I'll die forgotten, having lived for almost nothing.
But I don't know what else to do. So I try to move on and accept death, the way I've always known I have to do. I live life. My life is meaningless.
Meaningless. I'm meaningless. I'm too angry about that fact to cry over my inevitable death. Not that I would cry over anything, ever, obviously.
I'll never accept my death. So, when I look into the mirror, I smile.
I haven't smiled in what feels like decades. Perhaps that's why it feels so liberating somehow.
I laugh to myself. I feel even freer, for I haven't done that in years. The sensation of laughing makes my chest surge, and despite myself, I feel like I can cheat anything. Nature, gravity, God. Maybe even death.
You're upset.
I'm not upset. I'm Kanda, I don't get upset.
You're going to cry.
What the hell? I'm Kanda. I certainly don't cry, never have, never will. Not for a lost battle, or a fallen friend, or being plain sick of life. Never.
That's what I swear to myself, what I tell myself continuously. I don't get upset, and crying is unarguably out of the question.
Simply because I'm Kanda. Nonchalant Kanda Yu.
Well, screw "Kanda". I can't be "Kanda" anymore. I know I can never be the same when I'm so close to death I can almost taste it.
I look at the lotus, and can't laugh or speak. I look at the lotus, and can't feel joy or love. I look at the goddamn lotus and can't feel any of that crap. No, there's something I want to do when I look at those last petals clinging onto the lotus. I want to scream, how can this be happening? And I want to... I want to...
Slowly, unwillingly, the image of Lenalee's face engulfs my mind. Refusing to let it in, I restrain it. Yet it perseveres.
Something's in my eye, fuzzing up my vision. I raise my hand to rub it away, for I fear for what it truly is. What if it's not just dirt, what if it's…
… tears?
No. I utterly refuse to weep, like a piteous child. Tears are for the weak, the hopeless, the useless. A distant memory I recall includes a tall man. Crying won't do a thing, he tells me. You are a man, Yu. A man never cries.
I don't remember who the man was, or what he looked like. But I never cried again after that.
Crying. It's never really occurred to me to cry when life gets bad. It doesn't do anything for you. I haven't cried since I was a young child, and I've forgotten even the sensation of it.
But I'm dying, dying, dying.
I've been dying before. How could I forget those bittersweet memories I'd shared with Alma? I never wanted to experience that pain— both physical and internal, ever again. In fact, now I realize, I didn't want to experience emotions.
Shuddering, I stand alone in the dark room. Not knowing what to do, or think, or feel.
In despair, I realize why I don't want to leave the world so much.
It's all because of you, Lenalee.
I bolt out the door to find her.
You're the one who's preventing me from going willingly.
A/N: No, I didn't exactly make Kanda cry. Yes, there are lots of mistakes in this since I have no editors. Now stop bugging me for horridly OOC charcters. =P If you have a question/concern/advice, please leave it in a review.