SEPTEMBER 1994
Rachel's Point of View
It's after eight and I shouldn't be there. I shouldn't be standing in front of a coffeehouse the night before my wedding. What kind of person does something so crazy? Mindy is expecting me at her apartment soon. I was supposed to go from Barry's apartment to her's for a girls night sleepover. There would be wine and cheesy romantic comedies, but I took a detour, a very, very long detour. They tore down this bar awhile ago and built a coffeehouse. She's in there now, I see her with her long black hair talking to a blonde girl. My heart aches as I look in the window. I had dumped Monica as my best friend. I had been so sure that I was doing the right thing. So sure. Monica was just my high school friend and high school friendships don't last forever. That's what Leslie, Joanna, Kiki, Mindy and Melissa kept saying. They're my friends, my true friends. My sorority sisters. Right? They say your college friends last forever, not your high school ones. Your high school ones are the ones you run into at reunions and meet for occasional cups of coffee. Right? No, I am right.
My sorority sisters were so happy when I met Barry. They thought he was perfect and a doctor and...they thought he was cute. I always felt he looked familiar or seemed familiar...kind of like Mr. Potato Head. His head is shaped like a potato and I do like potatoes. Oh when he proposed to me, I cried. We had gone out for dinner and he asked me and the ring is stunning and if I married him, I'd have security for life. I'd be wealthy, I could spend my days shopping and being one of those ladies who lunches. My mother is a lady who lunches. But G-d why am I feeling this way? I'm feeling the exact opposite of secure. I'm feeling unstable which I shouldn't be. I am marrying a doctor. I should be happy. It's everything I've ever wanted. It is, isn't? It's everything I should have ever wanted. I have to get to Mindy's. They'll be concerned about me. Right? Mindy's place is like five blocks from the place I share with Barry. Maybe I should walk in there, get some stuff to bring to Mindy's? That makes no sense. I don't know. What the hell am I doing? I am getting married tomorrow. Tomorrow. I feel tears starting to fall down my cheeks and I don't brush them away. Why the hell am I so terrified?
I haven't spoken to Monica in six years, not since that Thanksgiving where she cut off that guy's toe, Chandler or something. She loved that guy so much. I remember I was a freshman at NYU. Monica was at a Culinary School several miles away. See, that's why I had to dump her as my friend. We went to different schools. It was hard to keep in touch. I mean, it's hard to keep in touch with people you don't see every single day. 1t was 1988. It was harder to keep in touch with people in the eighties. It's 1994. It's easier now. G-d, I remember after that Thanksgiving when she cut off that guy's toe. She showed up at my dorm. Mindy was my roommate and Monica sat on my bed and was sobbing about how she had done that. I comforted her but then after she left, during Winter Break, Monica had invited me to stay at her place but I chose to to spend that break at Mindy's parents cabin. It was me, Mindy and about ten other people. It was so much fun. I went skiing and I met Barry for the first time. I kissed him for the first time as the clock struck midnight. Little did I know though that my choice to go on that trip signaled the beginning of the end of my friendship with Monica. The next semester, I didn't return her calls, turned down invites to hang out and when she graduated Culinary School, I did not attend the graduation. By the time of my own graduation in 1992, my transformation was complete. I had a new set of friends and a fiancee. I was so certain I had made the right choices. So, so certain.
After graduation, Barry and I moved in together and began planning a wedding and settling into the life of being the wife of an orthodontist. The wedding date would be September of 1994. It seemed so far away but we felt it would give us time to adjust. But as I planned, I became bored. I spent a lot of time driving. I would drive into the city and so many times I would drive here. I had gotten Monica's new address from my mom. She had asked why I wanted it and I made something up. Then came that night in 1993, a few nights before Halloween. It was a girls night and I suggested this bar. My friends thought it was so cute, a night in the city, but I had an ulterior motive. I knew Monica hung out there. I'd driven by it so many times that I knew the chances were good that she might be there and there she was with that guy whose toe she cut off. I had in my head planned the evening, I wanted to say hi to Monica, I wanted to talk to her, tell her I wasn't happy but I couldn't. Instead, I put on an act. Pretended I didn't know who toe guy was. I remembered him. Not well, but I remembered him and then with Monica, I acted so fake. It was such an act, I pretended like no time passed, like I was gonna call and that we needed to catch up. She bought it. I couldn't reach out. I was too afraid. Too nervous. I'm such a coward and I was such a bitch. But I couldn't say anything. I couldn't. I would have to explain so much and it wasn't the time...and besides she was with that toe guy and I remembered him. I was a little shocked when she said she was single. I could have sworn she was with the toe guy. G-d, she loved that guy. Guess they just remained friends and I was jealous. So jealous and I left that bar, wanting so much more and feeling more and more like a stranger in my own life.
I saw toe guy again at Joanna's birthday party in March of 1994. He was there with Joanna's cousin, Janice. She's super annoying and he looked miserable. Joanna hates Janice but invites her everywhere because some Janice finds out about everything and just invites herself places so it's easier. I didn't remember him at first. I mean, I'd only met him three times, sure one of those times I made out with him and the other, I saw him in the hospital...but I just didn't remember him. He remembered me though and remembering that night now, oh, G-d, I laughed so hard. I hadn't laughed that hard is so long and I was there with Barry and he was there with Janice but we spent the evening talking and he made me laugh and sometimes you just need that. He was so funny. He and I made fun of Janice and Barry and neither one had a clue. They were stupid and he was in my world and with him there, I felt happy and when he and Janice left, the hole, that void returned. He had been on my turf that time and when he left, all I wanted to do was go with him. I wanted to laugh more. He told me about Ross and how he was getting a divorce because his wife turned out to like women. He told me that he had this roommate named, Joey and he told me about Monica and how she was doing and told me I should call her. He even gave me her number. I still have that number but I've never called her. I wonder if he told her that he ran into me? I wonder if he told her he gave me her number to call? I don't know.
Now here I am, staring into the window of Central Perk and that longing is taking over. This isn't normal. I see that guy, Toe Guy walk towards the couch with Ross and this other very hot looking guy whom I assume is that roommate Toe Guy told me about. They join Monica and the blonde girl. I feel like I need to be there. I want to laugh and Toe Guy was good at that. No, no...I think I might just be losing my mind. I have plans. I am getting married tomorrow. I force myself away from that window, get in my car and take a deep breath. I turn around and drive to Mindy's. I do stop along the way to pick up cupcakes so I can have an excuse as to why I'm so late but when I get to Mindy's, it seems I don't need an excuse. The party has begun without me and no one is asking questions as to where I was...the bride.
24 hours later...
It's amazing what can happen in 24 hours. I was standing there, wearing my wedding dress. I looked good, stunning, exquisite. I knew that. The dress was amazing but the thing was, I kept thinking about how good I looked and how I didn't want to waste that dress on Barry. I kept thinking about Toe Guy and wanting to laugh and thinking about Monica. So, before I knew it, I was running. Racing down the street, in the rain away from the life I thought I wanted. I had no clothes, no money, no keys, nothing just me but it didn't matter. I just needed to run and I did until I really could no longer run. I hailed a cab and took it into the city, giving them the address of the girl I had been watching in the window, my former best friend. I would figure out how to pay for the cab later. I was a pretty girl in a wedding dress. Someone would help and they did. When the cab pulled up to Central Perk, I jumped out and began crying to some guy waiting to get in and somehow got him to pay for my fare. Then I ran inside and there she was with her friends. She seemed worried and angry, after all I had not invited her to my wedding. But the concern took over and she, along with her other friends and Ross took me up to her apartment where I called my dad and before I knew it, I was inviting myself to live with Monica and now there I was, sitting on the bed in the room that had once been the blonde girl's room, picking at the loose threads on the bed thinking about how I would return to the apartment I shared with Barry because I needed to get my stuff. I had tried calling my friends but no one was home which was strange to me. Mindy, Kiki, Joanne, Melissa, Leslie all of them seemed to be gone, none of them wondering where I was or if I was okay. Although, maybe I shouldn't be so shocked. It's not like they were always such fantastic friends anyway.
"Here's some clothes for you...for tonight," Monica said. "And there are some spare toiletries under the sink in the bathroom. So you can brush your teeth and stuff."
She tossed a pair of jeans, white top and pink hoodie at me. I smiled, thanking her as I picked up the clothes, not an outfit I would normally wear but today was anything but normal.
"I guess tomorrow I'll go to Barry and I's apartment and get some clothes and stuff. My purse and wallet and everything are still there. I didn't even bring it to get married today which is strange 'cause I would need my ID for Aruba, although maybe I didn't think I was gonna go...and well, I...I hope I can get in, but I probably I can...we keep a spare key under planter in front of our place and..." I rambled.
"Hmmmm...okay, well I have a date," Monica said.
I stopped rambling. Monica did not look interested in my story. Quite the opposite, she looked like she had not listened to a word I just said. I take a deep breath and just nod.
"Oh yeah, with Paul, the Wine Guy," I say, like I know who that is.
"I'd love to...you know be there for you but...I really wanna go on this date."
"Go."
Sure, part of me wanted her to stay but I could tell by the tone that she was still angry and if I asked her to stay, she'd be even more pissed off. She walked towards the door and then turned around.
"Rachel, why didn't you invite me to your wedding? Why did you dump me as your best friend? I mean, I know I'm not perfect. I can be controlling and anal retentive...but despite all the flaws I know I have, the one thing I am certain of is that I am a damn good friend. I'm an amazing friend. I have four people who don't even live here that come over every single day to raid my fridge and I have every one of their favorite drinks and food stocked so they will feel welcome and I was an incredible friend to you...for thirteen years and you fucked that up and then you just show up and..."
The tears immediately filled my eyes and kept falling. I wipe them away, knowing how selfish I'm being. I can't explain my actions, just that I had screwed up. Monica stops yelling as my tears kept falling. Monica had never yelled at me before. Thirteen years of friendship and she had never called me out on anything although there were probably a lot of things she probably should have called me out on.
"I'm sorry, Monica. I thought that's what I wanted but it's not and I don't know what I want...but it's not that and you are an amazing friend. You were...it's why I'm here. I don't have anyone else to turn to and...I'm so sorry, Monica and...I have no one. I mean, Mindy, Kiki, Joanne, Leslie and Melissa...I've tried calling them, but they haven't returned my calls. They aren't even worried about where I am. Barry's not even worried.. I know I screwed up. I should never have...and when I saw you at the bar before it was the coffee shop, I really wanted to...I wanted to hang out with you but I didn't-I was too locked up in myself and then when I saw Toe Guy-I mean, Chandler at Joanna's birthday with his girlfriend, he gave me your number-"
"He did?" Monica asked.
"He said I should call you. He said...that I should talk to you but I never called but I-"
"He never told me that. He never even said he saw you. And wait...his girlfriend?"
"Janice...she's a cousin of my friend, Joanna."
"Oh...Janice. Yeah, I know Janice...I forget about her sometimes. It's an odd relationship."
"Yeah...I'm sorry. Don't get mad at him."
"No...I'm not mad at him at all. I know why he wouldn't tell me because he knew how much it would hurt me if you didn't call and you didn't so..."
"I'm so sorry, Mon."
She looked at me, her eyes now more sympathetic. She sat next to me on the bed and let out a sigh.
"He was being a friend to me. Chandler...he was protecting my feelings. That's why I'm not mad at him, he's a real friend. Rachel, have you ever had a real friend? A true friend. I mean, besides me?"
"No. No, I had you...but...then I was stupid and... hope you can be my friend again. I could really use one? And I promise I will be a better friend to you. I promise."
Monica smiled at me, "I never stopped being your friend."
"Really?"
"Of course. Welcome home, Rach."
"Thank you," I say as the tears fall again. Monica opens her arms and we hug. I feel comfortable, safe and well scared. After we're done hugging, she looks at me.
"Stick with me, Green...stick with our group. We're insane but...we'll take care of you."
"Thanks."
"And don't call Chandler the Toe Guy...Phoebe and Joey don't know that story and it might lead to the truth about why his toe was cut off."
"Got it...although, you and Chandler? I mean, I know it's none of my business and I have no right to ask but...I thought you had a crush on him? Why aren't you two together?"
"We're just friends. That's all...I may have had a crush on him, but it's gone now."
"Oh...okay, go get ready for your date. I don't want you to miss that," I said.
Monica smiled as she walked out of the room. I look towards the phone again and reach towards it, picking up. I shake my head as I put it back down. I don't really want to talk to them or any of those old friends and they don't really seem interested in talking to me.
Instead, I walk out of the room, carrying the clothes in my arms when I see Toe Guy standing at the fridge. He pulls out a bottle of Yoo Hoo and stares at me.
"So...what have you been up to today?" Chandler asked.
"Funny."
I do let out a laugh at that as I toss the clothes onto the table. That guy is good at making people laugh. The memory of Joanna's birthday appears in my mind. He had made me laugh so hard.
"You have no clue who I am, do you?" Chandler asked, grinning.
"I do...you're Chandler."
"We've met...before today."
"I know that."
"You sure?"
"Yes...we had Thanksgiving together twice..."
"Just making sure. 'Cause you pretended today like you had no clue."
"I was a little preoccupied."
"Fair enough."
"How's your toe?" I ask, smiling at him. Figuring that would be proof that I remember him. He shakes his head.
"Not there."
"And...I saw you at Joanna's birthday party six months ago. So I do remember."
"Oh, yeah...oh I blocked that night out."
"It was fun."
"Really? If I remember correctly you and I spent the whole night together."
"That's why it was fun. I hadn't laughed that hard in a long time," I said, starting to feel a little sad again. I shake my head. "Anyway, are you still with that girl?"
"Janice? What's today? Today no...but ask again tomorrow."
"How did you even meet a girl like that? She doesn't seem like your type."
"How do you know my type?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I don't...I guess...it's just...it doesn't seem like her."
He shrugs as he drinks from his bottle of Yoo Hoo. He shoves one of his hands in his pocket and stares at the floor.
"She's nice. I mean...I-I don't know. I gotta go. Ross is waiting for Joey and I."
I nod. I feel unwelcome. I feel like I've crashed something I shouldn't be crashing. Maybe I should leave. But where would I go if I did? I really can't go back to the apartment. Although Barry doesn't seem to be there, so maybe I could go now and get my stuff. No, it's too late.
"You know, I'm not leaving," I say although I'm not sure why I say that. I don't really have to.
"I know."
"No, Chandler...you're acting like I'm gonna run out of here and...I'm not going anywhere."
Chandler looks at me and I can see a flash of anger in his eyes. I get a little nervous, I don't wanna fight with anyone.
"I'm not acting like that. Don't act like you know who I am. Just 'cause we survived a birthday dinner together, doesn't mean...but I will say this, that girl in there," Chandler says letting out a sigh and pointing towards Monica's closed door, "is one of the most important people in my life and I was there when she was upset about you dumping her. It's why I didn't tell her I gave you her number."
"I know. You know, Chandler...I'm not an evil person. I'm just self absorbed. That doesn't make me a bad person."
"You think Barry would agree?"
"Really? Too soon," I said, giving him a look. He grins.
"No, never. It's never too soon. Besides...I knew you weren't gonna marry him. I knew that when I saw you."
"How did you know?" I ask.
"Well, that night at Joanna's party...you spent the entire night talking to me."
"It meant nothing," I said.
"I'm sure. Well...I do have to go and welcome to the group, Rach."
"Thanks."
"And...tomorrow night, maybe if you want...we can go to your place and get your stuff."
I was taken aback by that. It seemed like such an odd statement. I hadn't thought about actually having anyone help get my stuff. Although, I would probably need it. I have a lot of clothes.
"You guys would do that?"
"Yeah...I mean, you're part of us now. I mean, we may not be as fancy as you know...Joanna. But-"
"You're better."
Chandler smiles at me as he walks towards me. He seems to sense how I am feeling and immediately wraps his arms around me, hugging me. I start to feel better, at least as much as I can. When he stops hugging me, he just smiles. I smile back as he walks out of the apartment. I take a deep breath. I'm in a new world but for some reason...it feels like I'm finally home.