We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much.
Incora was finally in her bed after the long and stressful day in the clan. Clan member Ko Hyuga had died on Hinata's Rank B mission protecting her. Ko was Neji and Incora's babysitter a long time ago, when they were children, and so they could honestly say they were going to miss him. Probably not as mush as Ko's little brother Tokuma, but they still missed him.
Akito entered her room and jumped ontop of her, straddling her waist and scaring her silly.
"Akito, what the fuck!? You scared me!" she yelled at him.
"First off, don't cuss like that. You don't cuss. Ever. Second off, I have a dilemma and I need advice." said Akito.
"What do you want?" asked Incora.
"Well...you know how much I like...him?"
"Yeah, yeah...I know you like Tokuma. So what?"
"Remind me not to bother you when in you're in your bed. You act like a total bitch. Anyway, I was thinking about telling him. I'm tired of hiding it just because we're from the same clan." said Akito.
"Right now? Are you sure that's a good idea? He just lost his brother."
"And I could be just what the doctor ordered. What if he likes me too, and he needs me to comfort him? He's my best friend...I really just want to give it a shot, before my nerves give out."
"...It's your life Akito. If you feel like this won't blow up in your face, you have my support." said Incora.
Akito smiled and gave Incora a hug. Incora grumbled and patted his back affectionately.
"Thanks Incora. You always know exactly what to say."
"Whatever gets you out of my bed so I can sleep." said Incora.
"...I love you too cousin." said Akito with sarcasm in his voice.
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us.
Akito exited Incora's room and the first thing he wanted to do is visit Tokuma. He had finally mustered up all of his courage, and he wasn't about to back down now. Akito went into his room for a moment, and there he was, Tokuma. He was sitting at Akito's desk, with his head down.
"Hey...what are you doing here?" asked Akito.
"Isn't it obvious? You're my best friend. And most likely the only person who looks upon me with favor anymore. All I've gotten all day is ' Your brother died a honorable death. He was destined to die for the main branch, and his sentence was carried out. You should be proud.' I swear, the next person who tells me that is getting a punch to the face. I'm sick of it." said Tokuma, who lifted his head off the desk.
"I...I really am sorry about Ko. I know this is hard for you. I can't even begin to understand you though. I can't say I'd give a rats ass if one of my sisters died."
"Sure you can. Think if one of Hizashi's twins died. You'd be hysterical."
Akito sighed and sat on his bed, with Tokuma following him. He sat next to Akito with sadness plastered on his face.
"You got me there. If Incora or Neji died, I'd be pissed if the clan tried to 'console' me too. Speaking of them, they send their condolences as well. I'm not the only one who cares about you, you know." said Akito.
"I suppose not. But I never really talked to them like that...I would have never guessed. Anyway, I just needed someone to talk to before I bursted into tear stained rage. I'm glad that it was you. You're always looking out for me." said Tokuma.
It's lust, it's torturous.
Akito looked at his sad friend. The urge to just blurt out his feelings was driving him crazy. Tokuma looked back at Akito, who was blushing very hard. Tokuma looked at him confusingly, and then with concern.
"Are you feeling alright? You look kinda...feverish almost. Were you looking like that when you got in here?"asked Tokuma.
"A-am I? I...I'm fine. Just a little nervous is all..." stuttered Akito.
"Nervous? About what? Did something else happen?"
Akito shook his head, and grabbed ahold of his nerves. He gulped nervously, and before he knew it, he had jumped into Tokuma's lap, straddling his waist as Tokuma looked at him in confusion.
"I...I'm nervous because I love you. Tokuma...I love you, and I'm tired of hiding. If you'll let me, I can be there for you. I can help you get past Ko, but if we do, I want to do it as your lover...not your best friend."
Tokuma's face turned stone cold. What was once concern was the stone cold Tokuma that Akito had come to know and be afraid of. He knew that this had just backfired on him. Tokuma gently pushed him off and stood up. Akito got back up on his bed.
"Our whole life, you've been a little off. I've accepted that. You were my friend, and I never let anyone tell me any different. Not even Ko. Even when I found out you were bi, I accepted you. You even helped me sort out my own sexuality. I can't say that I never felt the same way, but I can say that it would be wrong of us to pursue such a relationship. We're Hyugas. They would look upon us in disgust." he stated.
"I've never cared about that! I thought you didn't either! Tokuma, as long as we're together, why would any of that other shit matter?!" said Akito hysterically.
"Don't get hysterical on me. Don't make this about you. I don't need it right now. What I needed was my best friend so I could vent out a few things about my dead brother."
Tokuma left Akito's room without another word. As he left, he could hear Akito's silent sobs. He sighed and a tear fell off of his face as well.
'I'm sorry Akito...I...I'm just not strong enough to handle this right now.' thought Tokuma.
And I would've done anything for you.
A few days went by, and Akito and Tokuma still weren't talking to each other after Akito's little episode. Tokuma wasn't doing it on purpose, but he thought that Akito didn't want to see him. Little did he know that it was farther from the truth.
He missed Akito. It didn't matter about the feelings. He just wanted to hug him and tell him that everything was okay. Maybe because he didn't want Akito to feel bad anymore, or maybe it was because he wanted to feel Akito in his arms. He never told him this, but he loved Akito just as much as he loved him.
He was just afraid. Maybe of what the clan would say, or how the relationship would go, he didn't know which one it was more. He was a coward. And the worst part was that he knew that. It was dinner time, and Tokuma couldn't handle the stress much longer. He went to Akito's room, and knocked. Akito answered, his face looking worn out, like he had been crying.
"What do you want? Haven't you had enough of having a go at me?" he asked coldly.
"Akito...I haven't been having a go at you. Come on, let's talk this out. I know you don't want to leave this the way it was left, and neither do I." said Tokuma.
"Fuck off. I'd rather watch Hanabi pull my teeth out."
Akito tried to slam the door, but Tokuma's foot got in the way, and he forced Akito's door open. He grabbed ahold of Akito's waist. Akito tried to push him off, but Tokuma's age and strength wouldn't let him.
"I deserve anything that you can throw at me, but I want you to know. I love you too. I love you, and I was too fucking cowardly to tell you. You can take it whatever way you want to, as long as you know it's the truth."
"Why."
"Why what?"
"Why are you playing games with me?! You cant just reject me one minute and then expect me to leap into your arms when you're ready. That's not how life works!" yelled Akito.
To show you how much I adored you.
Tokuma smashed his lips against Akito's. Akito still protested, but eventually gave into it. He wrapped his arms around Tokuma's neck and kissed him back, pouring his soul and most of his emotions into the kiss. Tokuma wrapped his arms tighter around Akito's waist, and licked his lower lip. Akito opened his mouth for better access, and before they knew it, they were on Akito's bed, rolling around topless.
Tokuma went for Akito's pants and thats when Akito came to his senses. He stopped him momentarily.
"What's wrong now?" Tokuma asked impatiently.
"What'll...the clan say?" asked Akito, thinking about what Tokuma said earlier.
Tokuma smirked suggestively as he rubbed his clothed erection against Akito's. Akito held back a groan as he heavily blushed, glazed over with lust.
"Who cares about the clan? Who cares what anyone thinks? All that matters is us. Right here, and definitely right now. I love you Akito. And I want to hear you say it back."
"T-Tokuma...you cared about the clan..."
"No. I didn't. I was a coward. I made up excuses. I'm an idiot Akito...forgive me." said Tokuma with sadness in his voice.
Tokuma looked down out of sadness, and Akito could feel the warm tears hitting his leg. Akito brought the sad Tokuma up to his face and kissed his lips, wiping the tears away.
"I love you, Tokuma Hyuga." said Akito, relieving Tokuma.
"I love you too, Akito Hyuga."
But it's over now, It's too late to save our love.
Akito woke up against Tokuma's chest, glad that this went in his favor anyway. He got his lover, and being with him was everything Akito ever dreamed of. He couldn't wait to tell Incora, as she would probably want to be the first person to know.
Akito kissed Tokuma's nose as he stirred and opened his eyes. He smiled at the beaming Akito on his chest.
"Well, good morning. I could get used to seeing you down there." said Tokuma.
"Well, don't get used to it, I don't usually bottom, you know. We're gonna have to take turns." said Akito.
"Whatever you say Akito. Anyway, I've got a mission tomorrow, and I have to prep for it today, so I won't be home until late. What are you gonna do today?"
"Eh, it's my day off, and I know it's Incora's too. I'll probably hang with her, seeing as Neji's gone for 3 more days. I know she's lonely, and her other friends aren't around either...they're still trying to convince that fox kid that the Uchiha is a lost cause."
"Ah...yeah...the kid who ran off to the sound..."
"Well, I guess I'll see you...later? I mean if you gotta prep, you might wanna leave soon..." started Akito.
Tokuma captured his lips in a searing kiss that made Akito's heart flutter. It was the most passionate kiss that Akito had ever received, and he was very remorseful when Tokuma pulled away. Tokuma smiled sweetly at him.
"I love you. And I will see you later." said Tokuma.
"I love you too..."
Akito smiled at Tokuma one last time before he got up and got dressed. He looked at Tokuma one last time, the same smile glued onto both of their faces as Akito exited. Akito ran to the side branch quarters and into Incora's room. He shut her door and melted against it.
Incora came out of her bathroom to see Akito leaning against her door with a stupid look upon his face. She leaned against her bathroom door frame. She smiled at him suggestively.
"So, I take it you and Tokuma finally talked it out?" she asked.
"Yes...and he does love me. Incora...I swear I've never felt like this before...Tokuma makes me feel...like I'm important to someone else other than you, Neji, and myself."
"I'm glad. So, why aren't you with him?"
"He's doing mission prep today and won't be back until late." said Akito.
Incora's face went from happy to seriously confused.
"How can that be? I did mission prep like, 3 days ago before my mission, and I could have sworn the records said that he isn't scheduled for a mission for a couple weeks yet. You know, they wanted to give him proper mourning time."
"...You're not serious."
"It's true...you can check them yourself. I think he lied to you, Akito."
Just promise me you'll think of me every time you look up in the sky and see a star 'cause I'm a...
"...why would he lie to me? He just told me he loved me...I wonder what he's doing if he's not on a mission..." said Akito.
"Well, we're not going to know just sitting here...we should go ask him." said Incora.
Incora got dressed and she and Akito went back over to Tokuma's house. Akito knocked but there was no answer. Akito was about to give up and try looking for him elsewhere, but Incora turned the knob and surprisingly, it was unlocked. She entered and her scream was enough to make Akito turn around and run into Tokuma's house after her.
There, laying on the ground was a bloody Tokuma. A kunai in his hand, his throat cut, and a note on his chest. Incora had never been so scared in her life, but she was able to calm herself down and run out of the house to inform the main branch. Akito kneeled before him, picking up his head with tears unconsciously streaming down his face. He picked up the note on Tokuma's chest and read it.
To the clan,
I'm sorry, but I can't deal with the burning pain in my heart. My brother was my beloved, and the only real family I had left. Although I loved and was loved in return, I couldn't bear to live one day without my brother. I am aware that my sudden death will probably ensure my entry into hell, but it would be worth it if I could just see Ko one more time before he ascended and I descend.
To my love,
I'm so sorry. I couldn't think of anymore words to say to you other than that. You probably think less of me, and maybe I even lost your respect. This I could live with. What I wouldn't be able to live with is if you decided that this was your fault. This was no where near your fault, and I never want you to think that it was. I love you, Akito Hyuga, and I want the whole world to know that.
I...just wasn't strong enough for you.
Tokuma.
Akito sobbed into Tokuma's head, dropping the note. He knew that Tokuma loved Ko, but he was ready to help him though this. How could he do this? Akito couldn't help but to blame himself. He should have kept a better eye on him. He should have never left...something. He'd give anything to have his morning back, if that would have meant he could have saved Tokuma.
I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon...
Akito sobbed loudly as he clutched Tokuma's bloody head. He didn't even notice when his father, the Hyuga Elder, and a few other clanmates arrived behind him.
"I demand an explanation. Now." said Hiashi.
The Hyuga Elder picked up the letter that was on the floor, and he grimaced as he read it.
"What matter of perversion is this? Two clanmates, in love? What kind of sick, twisted mind do you have Akito!?" asked The Hyuga Elder.
"Go to hell, you old fuck. I just lost the love of my life, and I'm not afraid to say it." mumbled Akito.
"What did you just say?!" asked a random clansman.
Akito stood up, Tokuma's blood staining his shirt. He looked at everyone with venom in his eyes.
"I said I loved him! And I don't care what you fuckers have to say! It wasn't your life! If anything, it's your fault that he's gone! You, and your stupid fucking words!" said Akito.
Hiashi back-handed Akito and watched as he fell onto the floor. Incora, who was in the crowd, ran to his side, letting him grab onto her waist.
"You will hold your tongue! You will show respect to your elders! I don't know where you get this perverse behavior from, but it will be fixed." said Hiashi.
"I'm not broken dad! I don't need to fix anything! Fuck you!"
"I will not have such perverse disrespect in this compound!"
Akito stood up again, grabbing Incora's hand and brushing past his father and grandfather.
"Then we'll leave! We don't fucking need you guys! All you are is a bunch of heartless ass cowards anyway! Sacrifing your own cousins, oryour brothers...to protect your own skins!"
And I'm aiming right at you...
Incora snatched away from Akito. He turned back and looked at her in shock. Hiashi smirked at Incora.
"At least the eldest daughter of my late brother has some sense. What say you niece? Will you join that...mistake in his perversions, and leave this clan?" asked Hiashi.
"I...I..." started Incora.
"She can, and she will. We're both going." said Neji, who was a part of the crowd.
Akito smirked at them, as Neji took her hand and all three went to the side-branch house without another word. Akito separated from them for only a moment to grab his things. As he shut his door, he exhaled and leant up against it. He melted to the ground, fresh tears threatening to stain his face.
He couldn't believe he just made his cousins defy the family like that. He didn't care if he did it, seeing as he did all the time, but he never wanted his cousins in the middle of it. It was too late for that now. He grabbed all that he could fit into his large sized backpack, met back with the twins, and set out of the compound.
Time passed. What seemed like days, was months. The Hyuga teens found themselves far away from Konoha and the clan. Akito was inconsolable. Incora had to stay with Akito at all times because he heavily drank and he smoked non-stop now. Neji was the only one who was able to go out and do missions, so he was always gone.
Right at you...
Akito was downing yet another hidden bottle of whiskey. He had meant to quit so many times, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. With Tokuma gone, being drunk was the only thing that seemed to fill his void.
Incora walked into the room to see him drinking again. She rolled her eyes and grabbed his bottle out of his hands. He glared at her as he grabbed a cigarette and put it in his mouth.
"I thought you said you were quitting."
"Yeah? Well, I thought I told you to mind your own business. I'll quit when damn well want to. You know I'm grieving."
"You've been grieving for 6 months now. It's time to stop. These missions are tearing Neji apart! I can't help him, and you haven't done anything to help. All you do is drink and smoke your life away while we provide for you!"
"Fuck off Incora. Seriously. Like I give a shit about what you and Neji think. I was in love. And he took his life away, along with my heart. You have no idea how it feels to lose your love!"
Two hundred fifty thousand miles on a clear night in June.
"Akito, we gave up everything to help you out! That's not fair! We were in love too! Neji has to pull out stops to see Ten-Ten, and I literally can only write to Kiba because of you!" cried Incora.
"Call me when I give a shit." ground out Akito.
Incora looked shocked and hurt as Neji entered the house. Incora smashed Akito's bottle against the floor, and it took all of Neji's strength to keep Akito back from going upside Incora's head. He rougly threw Neji off of him.
"What the hell is going on in here?!" asked Neji, who started collecting himself off the floor.
"There wouldn't be anything wrong if your damned sister would mind her own fucking business. I was doing perfectly fine killing myself slowly before she came in here and killed my fucking buzz." said Akito.
"I thought you quit."
"Don't you start that bullshit too. Tokuma...is dead. I'm dead inside. I feel nothing anymore. I have an endless void I need to fill. Until I fill it...until I can feel normal again...then I'll quit."
"That's just an excuse!" fired Incora.
"Excuse you?" he fired back.
He stepped up to her, eyeballing her heavily. He reeked of cigarettes and whiskey, but Incora wasn't backing down.
"You heard what I said. You numb yourself with all this crap, and then you duck and cover underneath the dead to excuse yourself! You're pathetic Akito Hyuga. You're a former shell of what you once were, and Tokuma's death has nothing to do with it anymore."
And I'm so lost without you..
Akito smacked Incora across the face, watching her hit the floor with a loud thud. Neji ran to her side.
"Akito! Have you lost your mind!?" asked Neji.
"Don't you dare tell me I'm pathetic! I never told you to stay here in this shithole with me! It's not my fault you decided to give up your lives in Konoha! I didn't ask you to!"
"YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO! IT'S WHAT FAMILIES DO!" yelled Incora.
She got up from the floor and tackled him to the ground, reapeatedly punching him the face as he tried to block them. He eventually pushed her off of him. She hit the floor on her butt. Neji tried to get in the way, but got a stray punch to the face from Akito.
"Don't give me that bullshit! If you don't like what I do, then go! Beg for your miserable lives back in Konoha! I don't care! Who fucking needs you?!" fired Akito, as he got up from the floor.
Neji picked his sister up from the floor, glaring at Akito hard. He socked Akito in the jaw so hard, he flew onto the floor, clutching his sore cheek.
"You needed us, Akito. You were so pathetic and frantic for a hand when the clan rejected you. We never judged you. We followed you because we loved you. I know we will never be Tokuma, but that should have been enough for you to get a wake up call." said Neji.
Neji and Incora grabbed their things and walked to the door. Neji opened it.
"So, you're gonna leave? Just like that? You're gonna leave me all alone?" asked Akito, who was trying to guilt trip them.
Without you...
Both Incora and Neji stopped cold in their tracks. Akito knew that he hit a nerve, but inside, he really didn't want his cousins to leave. He knew that he had been mistreating them, and he knew that he was doing it as a sort of lashing out method. It was his unchecked rage about Tokuma leaving him alone.
They both turned to look at him, them sharing the exact same cold stare in their gazes.
"Yes, Akito. We are going to leave you. Right here. So you can slowly kill yourself. I can't watch it anymore. You need help, and we can't give it to you. Tokuma is dead. And instead of moving on, you've managed to completely blame yourself." were Incora's final words to him as both twins stormed off.
Days turned into weeks. Weeks, turned into a month. Akito could barely keep up his habits, and pay his bills. He found himself missing Incora and Neji even more with each passing day. He eventually weaned himself off of the bottle, but he was smoking twice as bad each day.
He drowned himself in self pity, trying to bypass what Incora told him. One day, it hit him. It hit him harder than Neji did.
Incora was right.
Akito was blaming himself for Tokuma's death. And he was balming himself hard. He took his rage out on himself, and two of the three people in the world who loved him for who he was. Incora and Neji made great sacrifices in order to be there for him. He knew as well as they did that they would never be accepted back into the Hyuga Clan. If they did go back to Konoha, they didn't go back there.
Akito stepped outside, looking into the night sky. He teared up as he thought of his lost lover for the first time in 7 months.
"I love you, Tokuma Hyuga."
"I love you too, Akito Hyuga."
He closed his eyes, thinking about the day they professed their love for each other. His hot tears started to stream down his face.
"Tokuma...I'm sorry...I...I've been blaming myself for so long...I've...pushed away my whole world, just because I was mad at nothing. You're dead. There's nothing I can do about that. But even so, I think it's about time I get my life back." Akito mumbled to the sky.
Akito saw a shooting star, and he grinned widely, knowing in his heart that it was Tokuma or Ko looking down on him. He left his home, setting out for Konoha.
He wanted his family love back.
Without you...
A/N: This is the darkest song fic I've ever written, as well as the most forbidden. But, then again, Akito's always been about forbidden love ^.^ This fic is so edgy and dark that I was going to keep it to myself, but I keep coming back to it, so I guess I thought to share it with the rest of you :D (By the way, Tokuma is a real person, not an OC. It's just that he barely shows up, so not a lot of people remember him)