Hello my reader!
So I'm going to alarm you, there's a lot of swearing, drinking, sex and other indecent things in this, I'm sorry I wanted to let loose for a little bit! And because my other Hobbit story did not get any attention, which by the way made me extremely depressed and cry hysterically and binge on manoyaies, I though maybe if I wrote a story where Legolas is fat and Gandalf is a pedophile than I'd actually get seen and feel a little better about myself! Jerks!
Lol, I'm kitten people…kind of.
So if swearing and stupidness is not your cup of tea, you have been warned!
Now if you could leave a review, that would be like the best! Or a follow or a favorite, that would be the bomb too :) Anyways, thanks for reading!
Morning had arrived and for Bilbo, he lolled upon a tattered lawn chair gazing out from the porch of his two – story home. He retrieved another beer from the cooler that rested to his side and halted the lid up, before taking a sip. With his lips smuckering together he let the can down, crouching over the arm rest of the chair before shuddering after hearing a muffled sound crackling through his ears.
Scrambling to his feet Bilbo become alarmed by a crappy, noir colored min van that was coming to halt in front of his house. After it ceased, he was surprised to find a small child burst out from behind the doors, only wearing his tighty whites, dashing away, saying, "That man didn't have any candy!"
"What the fuck?" murmured Bilbo.
Trailing from behind, out came an elderly man with a staff and they quickly caught eyes.
With the old man approaching Bilbo, he rebounded back a step. "Mhmm, I like them young," said the old man with a chortle and begun to lick his lips.
"Get off my damn property, rapist!" Bilbo yelled.
"Ooh, I'm getting frisky here when you yell like that!"
After this old man met with Bilbo's middle finger, Bilbo begun to retreat back into his house, abandoning the old man on his yard. Before he was completely out of a view, the elderly man called on after him, reclaiming his attention. "Do you wanna go on an adventure with me?" questioned the elderly man.
"Is that paedophile code for something?" asked Bilbo, his brow beginning to scrunch.
"You'd like that wouldn't you?"
"Beg your pardon?"
For a prolonged moment a silence ran through the conversation, with the elderly man appearing like he was going to have a stroke….or was just thinking, I don't know. But he seemed lost in thought.
"What you having a stroke or something?" asked Bilbo, viewing from the porch.
"What!" the old man squealing, returning back to the present time.
"Dude, I think the Alhimizer's is catching up with you."
"Don't you know who I am?"
"The bringer of crows?
"No."
"The one who is older than dirt?"
"No."
"The one who witnessed the birth of civilization?"
"No!"
"The one who went up against Father Time only to have his ass furiously kicked?"
With a grim expression emerging across his aging face, the elderly man begun to stroll away. There was no use talking now.
"Oh…oh, wait your Gandalf the pedophile from the next street over!" exclaimed Bilbo.
"Yeah 'cause they got the kiddie pool, wet children in their swimsuits…" Gandalf moaned. "Oh yeah!"
"Huh, okay."
"And you see people rubbing sun lotion on 'em, mmhmmm, and then they come out of the pool dripping wet and their swim suits slide off."
"Yeah I got it!"
"Oh sorry, what I need from you Bilbo is to go on an adventure with these midgets."
A pause erupted into the conversation before Bilbo continued, merely intrigued by this whole 'adventure with midgets' thingy. He had read on Yahoo Answers, to make up for their abnormal height, midgets were blessed with night vision, though he could not reassure himself if it was truth or myth. "But where are we going?"
"They will tell you that," replied Gandalf and strolled back into his mini van, abandoning an addled Bilbo still gazing from his porch.
"What the hell," muttered the man while ambling into his home.
Day had reached it's mark, and now darkness settled itself on the outside.
For Bilbo, he isolated away himself within his beloved books, the Bible and the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. "Ah, that Jesus," he chimed and closed the book with a muffled thud. He aroused from his chair, stretching out his fatigued bones before trembling from the sudden sound of the door bell ringing.
He froze in wonder, considering he lived in bum fuck no where, so visitors for him was like virgins with STDs.
Staggering towards the cedar door, fully cautioned, Bilbo grasped onto the door handle. At a gradual pace, he opened it to reveal thirteen midgets huddling at his doorway.
His mouthed draped open by a mere inch, while his brow curved with astonishment. After rebounding by a step, Bilbo appeared to be on the verge of something, before one of the midgets hauled his way forth in front of the crowd. "People don't kill people, guns kill people, so that means toasters don't toast toast. Toast toast toast," he said.
"What the hell!" exclaimed one of the midgets, Fili or something was his name.
We'll just label him the blonde one.
"I thought it might be an icebreaker."
Bombur, the obese one of the group, came forward as he declared, "No you dumbass, candy is an icebreaker!"
"God, is it always about food with you!" bellowed Fili.
Emerging from heard, one of the more bold and foul midgets exposed their existence. He ignored his fellow companions and spoke only to Bilbo. "We are the seven –."
"Thirteen!" one of the midgets corrected.
"Shut the fuck up I'm the main midget in this story," yelled the main midget.
"That's true, like literally a few of you didn't even have lines," Bilbo added.
As the other midgets' heads hung low, the main midget continued on. "I am Thorin, Gandalf sent us because he said you could help us out or something with reclaiming our land from a fire – breathing chromestoru."
"I think you have bigger troubles than getting back your home if you trust a rapist," replied Bilbo.
And with that, Bilbo slammed the door and watch the view of the midgets wim away. He then went to go take a downy bubble bath, with the tender embrace of warm water and his yellow rubber duckie, letting the thought of midgets and adventure dash from his mind. Those midgets seemed really dirty anyways.
"Lets bash his door down!" cried on the midgets.
"No, no, no lets try to drive our big wheels through his house!" another one mentioned.
"Now, now you're all being irrational." Their heads shot towards Balin, the eldest of the group yet abnormally not the weakest link which was Kili. "We should burn his house down, than he'll run out, one of us will hide behind that tumbleweed over there and jump out when he comes and chloroform him. Then when he is out, we shall hogtie him and mount him onto our big wheel."
Skimming around the circle of midgets, each one was commending and agreeing with the choice with their heads bobbing up and down.
Bilbo cowered in his bath water, along with jamming to Phil Colins and refreshing his quench with a glass of wine. It was so enlightening to not have to fret about those midgets, they surely must have waltz off and someplace else. It's not like they were outside now gathering gasoline, matches and lighters, no they probably had wonder to a new location where they could do whatever it was they do.
Though a pit of doubt lingered into Bilbo as the aroma of smoke danced into his nostril and the feel of warmth increased. "Hmm, I think my house maybe on fire but I cannot be certain," he said to himself, pattering his finger against his lip. "I don't feel like checking though."
After a timid moment, catching heed of the smoke creeping from the crack of the door, Bilbo pounced onto his feet. "Ah shit!" he squealed while sprinting towards the door, gripping onto the handle within seconds and heaving it open where he was met with a cloud of smoke.
Sparing a diminutive amount of time, Bilbo flew down the staircase and exploded through the front door. Once fully outside, he shifted back towards his house to view it being consumed by flames and gray shadows of toxic air. The pallid color of it now was fading to the red color of flares and ashes were swimming with the night air.
"No!" screamed Bilbo to the sully sky, before colliding with a heavy object and a deformed scent. The last thing he saw before descending into black was that overweight midget, Bombur on top of him, thrusting a rag wet with chloroform into his face.
As Bilbo's eyes closed, Bombur rebounded off of him with a shriek. "He's naked!"
"Haha, you were on a naked man!" chuckled Kili while aiming a finger towards him.
Thorin approached Kili and collide his fuming palm with the other midget's cheek in a hard slap. "Damn it, where's Gandalf when you need him!"
*Self – slap* I know that didn't go well, would you believe me if I told you it gets better? No…yeah, should have expected that! Sorry I suck, though I did mention this is really stupid…and really immature too, if you didn't get that! Anyways, follow it, give it a shot…please. No! Ugh! :(