Lori Loud grumbled and cursed under her breath as she trudged up the stairs. She had just finished taking care of all of Lola's laundry. Being the demanding person that she was, Lola had specific instructions on how she wanted her clothes to be separated and cleaned. Failure to do so would either result in bodily harm, the wanton, unforgiving destruction of personal property, or having a misdeed divulged to their parents. Her siblings made a pact to carry this burden amongst each other whenever the time came to deal with her laundry. Today just so happened to be Lori's day to deal with it and after two and a half hours of kneeling on the cold, basement floor, she was as grumpy as she could be.
'Two hours, twenty-three minutes, and 56 seconds with talking to Bobby! You will pay for this, Lola! PAAAAAAAY!'
As she finally reached the last step, she remembered that she had allowed Lynn to borrow her phone charger while she was dealing with Lola's laundry and turned heel to go to her room and retrieve it from her. As she approached her door, however, she stopped at the sound of Lynn's animated voice having a conversation. She couldn't tell if she was talking to Lucy or someone over the phone but regardless, she pressed her ear to the door to listen in anyways.
Eavesdropping was one of the best ways that Lori could keep tabs on her siblings, making sure that nothing they said would go past her notice, especially if they were plotting to find a way out of her iron grip on them. If it was a useless conversation, no harm, no foul. But, if Lynn's words bore fruit, then that'd be more than worth it. Lori noticed that after Lynn completed her last sentence, no one responded back to her.
'Okay, so either she's talking to herself or she's on the phone with someone and I can't hear them. Either way, this should be intriguing.'
"I know, I know, Cindy, but it's exciting for me! I can't wait until tomorrow! By Wednesday afternoon, it'll all be over!"
'What'll be over? Just what is she talking about? And who the heck is Cindy?'
"Look, I know you don't think it's a big deal but it is for me. Third base doesn't come around all that often."
'Third base?! As in…that third base?! No way! Just calm down, Lori! You're just overthinking it! Sure, Lynn's at the age where she thinks boys are attractive and all but that doesn't mean she…'
"Okay, okay, so maybe I talk about it way too much but I still can't wait. I've never done it before. What if I mess up? What if I don't make it all the way? I'll never have that same kind of chance again! It's all I've been able to think about lately! Just imagining it in my head is enough for me to get goosebumps!"
Lori had heard enough. Connecting the dots in her head led to a visual most foul; her little sister squealing and moaning in delight as some bratty little bad boy wannabe had his way with her. This was too much! How could Lynn even think about doing something like that at her age?! She wasn't mature enough in mind or body to handle the pressures of sex! She had to put a stop to Lynn's ambition before it was too late!
At the speed of sound, Lori flung the door opened, grabbed Lynn off of her bed, and slammed the door behind her as she sped out. The sudden flurry of motion, sound of the door slaming, and cease of talking was enough to get Lucy to look up from her poetry journal and realize that Lynn had disappeared. Sighing, she returned to her journal as if nothing happened.
"So that's what that's like."
Meanwhile, Lori had made a beeline for the bathroom. Once she got there, she violently jerked the door open, nearly sending it off its hinges, and pushing Lynn inside. Lori quickly scanned the hallway to make sure that no one was following her before she shut the door behind her. Lynn, who still had a grip on her phone, remained shell shocked at the sudden transportation of location but more than that, at her livid sister and the her extremely bloodshot, piercing eyes. Lori snatched the phone out of Lynn's hand, ended the conversation with Cindy with the push of a button, and tossed it back for Lynn to catch.
"Lynn, are you crazy?!"
After everything that happened, Lori had the nerve to ask if she had gone crazy? Lynn normally didn't confront Lori angrily but this was an exception.
"I should be asking you that! Just what the heck do you think you're doing?!"
It was Lori's turn to be offended now and the veins popping out of her neck suggested that she was fit to burst any second now.
"What I'm doing?! What do you think you're doing thinking about going to third base at your age?!"
Before Lynn could angrily retort back, Lori's conundrum blew out the fire at the end of her fuse. Now, she was more puzzled than miffed.
"Huh? What's so wrong about third base?"
Looking on at Lynn's genuine confusion did nothing but kindle Lori's ire.
"Um, hello, your life will literally change forever once you go there! Once you go on third base, everything changes! You can never be the same again! And what about the possibility of pregnancy?! I don't see you with a salary! Just how on Earth are you going to support a baby with no money?! And don't even think about expecting Mr. What'sHisFace to support you either! Just how on Earth are you going to explain babies to Mom and Dad at thirteen?!"
Lori's hysteria now presented even more questions that Lynn wanted an explanation to but she predicted having no such luck with Lori's current state.
"Babies? Lori, what the heck are you…"
"Who is he?! What's his name?! Where does he live?! What kind of grades does he get in school?! Does he have any friends that he can brag to and spread your name around like you're some easy screw?! If that happens, you're screwed and not in the way that you were hoping for!"
"Lori, I…"
"Don't you dare 'Lori' me! There was no way you were going to get away with that with this pair of ears picking up your debauchery! For shame, Lynn! Not even Bobby and I have done anything like what you were planning on doing!"
"Wh-"
"Okay so maybe there was that one time that he got really frisky and groped me when we were watching a movie but that was above the belt and he didn't even cop a feel for that long! You, on the other hand, want to do the vertical tango?! The coochie conga?! The muffer stuffer?! Are you out of your mind?!"
That did it. Lynn knew that Lori was way in over her head about whatever it was that she overheard her and Cindy talking about. Reaching into the pocket of her shorts, Lynn pulled out a whistle and blew on it as hard, making Lori finally stop her ranting and raving.
"Lori, what on Earth are you talking about?!"
Lori was finally out of the predator zone but she was still infuriated all the same, though seemingly more manageable.
"Don't play dumb with me, Lynn! I heard about what you were talking about with Cindy, whom by the way, is a bad influence for you if she talked you into having premarital sex with some punk with an out of control libido!"
Lynn finally got to the root of Lori's rabid paranoia and she was completely flabbergasted that someone as smart and perceptive as Lori would reach such a hasty conclusion.
"Woah, woah, woah! Time out! You thought I wanted to have sex?"
"Yeah?"
"You know…" Lynn made a gesture with her hands, making a circle with one hand while inserting her pointer finger from her other hand in and out of the circle back and forth. "That?"
"Um, yes?"
"All because you heard about how I wanted to go to third base?"
By now, Lori realized just how rash and irresponsible her actions were and started looking anywhere except at Lynn, who know had her arms folded and a single eyebrow perked up.
"Uh…"
"You do realize that I go to baseball practice every Wednesday, which just so happens to be the same day you apparently overheard me being thrilled about going on my so called 'romp'? And that the third base you heard me talking about was the literal third base that you see on a baseball diamond? And that Cindy is one of my friends from school that plays with me?"
"Well, I…hold on! Why would you be excited about getting to third base on some old baseball diamond? You've gotten home runs plenty of times before during games before, never mind third base."
"It's because I've gotten on third base 49 times before during an official game. Doing it again would make number 50. I like collecting little milestones along the way. It gives me something to strive towards for future games I play."
By the time everything clicked into place, Lori realized just how utterly insane she was for believing that Lynn would do something so completely out of character. Such a realization, along with Lynn's tiny little smirk, made her cheeks redden robustly.
"Well…I guess I went just a little overboard. Just a teeny bit."
"A teeny bit? Try DEFCON 1."
"Okay, okay, so maybe I got the wrong idea but fine, throw the book at me for looking out for my little sister."
Lynn chuckled at Lori's indignation, which featured crossed arms, puffed and flushed cheeks, and her eyes trained at the ceiling. Despite everything, it was nice of Lori to be thinking about Lynn's safety and she showed her appreciation by hugging her from behind.
"Awww, don't be like that, Lori. I appreciate that you were looking out for me. Besides, you don't have to worry about me having flings with random boys. Not only would an unplanned baby really cut into all my sports practice but man, have you seen those STD photos they show you during sex-ed? I don't think I'll be able to think about sex without it making my skin crawl."
Both Lori and Lynn shared a laugh at that. Lori well remembered having to deal with those nasty pictures long ago in middle school. More than anything, this was one of the few times that Lori was delighted that she was wrong, as that meant that Lynn wasn't planning on throwing away her virginity to the wolves so hastily.
"Well then, that's a relief I guess. Sorry about misinterpreting your conversation."
"That's okay. If anything, it'll make for a really funny story for me to tell the others about."
"Yeah, I suppose it…what?!"
Before she knew it, Lynn had made a tear out of the bathroom and ran down the hallway to knock on Luna and Luan's door. Lori soon followed chase
"Hey Luna, Luan, guess what Lori thought I was-"
"LYYYYYYYYYYNNNNNNNN! Just you wait 'til I get my hands on your bat!"
A/N: Man, it feels good to write something light-hearted after what I've put myself through lately. Poor me, amirite? I'd love to see a TLH spin-off and having it feature how Lori would deal with her own kids or at least the prospect being put out in writing. It's make for an entertaining story no matter what format it's presented in.