He wasn't quite sure where to begin —
in fact he felt dumb for writing this but he was running out of options.
Maybe Sam would see it, maybe he wouldn't— either way it was supposed to help.
Dean grabbed his pen and piece of paper.
Okay, here goes nothing…
[ Dear Sam,
I get it, I do. You've been tossed around in the wash cycle for years now, you're tired, I know. But you gotta listen to me Sam, I need you to listen. I just can't be myself without you alive, I can't live with you gone for good. All my life I watched over you and raised you, you're all I got. I'm sure Cas is taking good care of you, he cares about you a lot too. Honestly I don't know where I'm going with this but I just wanted to make it clear that this is a goodbye, Sam.
I can't live my life knowing you're upset with me and I'm tired, Sam. I've been saying the same god damn thing for years, I'm fucking tired. And I just want you to know that you've done your best, Sammy. I'm so proud of you, I hope to God you know that. After everything you've been through, you deserve happiness. One day you'll find a girl and settle down, you can get out of this life. Just make sure everything's under control first, for me. Also make sure Cas is safe, he's still kind of defenseless and clueless about some things. Help him out, will ya?
I'm gonna go get myself another bottle of beer and I'm running out of paper so I'm gonna end this now. Thank you, Sam, for coming with me when I needed your help finding Dad. And I'm sorry for everything that happened after that, you didn't deserve this life. I know I can't go back and change the past but you have to know that if I could, I would've let you stay and Stanford. Maybe things would've turned out differently and for the better if I hadn't nosed my way in. Stay safe, Sammy.
—Dean ]
Chances were this letter would be burned or tossed away, Sam would never see it.
Because no matter how much Dean told himself it'd be better for the both of them if he turned and walked away for good— he just couldn't.
Even though he wasn't with Sam for the time being, they'd make up eventually and all would be well. That's just how it had to be, or so Dean prayed that's how it must end.
And on January 24th, 2014 at 11:30 pm ;
Dean Winchester took a shot of whiskey, threw away the letter and sat back in his chair, muttering —
❝Happy god damn birthday to me.❞