"I can feel this body dying all around me." -Amalthea, The Last Unicorn
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Dying All Around Me
By
Absent Angel
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Kagome thinks she understands, Lord knows she tries her hardest to. But she can never truly know how terrible the new moon is for me - how terrifying. She thinks my hatred for those nights stem from my loss of power. That I hate feeling weak.
Part of it is. More of it isn't.
Even if I told her the whole truth, she still wouldn't truly understand. She couldn't. She's human, and humans are immune to the feeling. They've lived with it since they were in their mother's womb; they know nothing else. But I do, I feel the difference. And I still haven't decided if I should pity the human race for not knowing, or feel jealous.
Right now, I'm leaning towards the later. And it's taking all I have not to snap at Kagome. She's only trying to help, trying to comfort me in my weakness. Telling me it's all right to lose my strength one day out of the month - only twelve days out of three hundred and sixty-four. My strength will be back in the morning.
Nonsense like that.
Oh Kagome if you only knew, if you knew you would understand. It isn't that I feel weak on these nights, it's that I feel death.
Demons are immortal, their bodies grow old but they do not die. At least, not without injury. They will live forever if they aren't killed off. And though I only have half of that blood running through my veins, it is enough to preserve me - if not forever - a hella of a long time.
But you . . . you were born dying. Every breath, every heartbeat, brings you closer to death - even as it brings you life. You just don't know it. You don't think about it. And damn me if I make you. Damn me to all seven layers of hell if I let you understand how terrible it is for me to feel the way you do every day, once a month.
Damn me in general. Because if I wasn't such a spineless bastard I wouldn't let the feeling of death scare me shitless. I wouldn't dread and fear it the way I do. But most of all, damn me for being weak. Because if I wasn't, I would find it in myself to embrace these nights. Because it is this feeling that brings me closest to you, to my humanity. And if I wasn't so shit-faced I would find a way to feel like this every day, so I wouldn't have to think about the differences between us. Maybe then I wouldn't be staring at your lips right now, thinking 'There, right there. She's one breath closer to death'.
Fuck, if you could read my mind you would probably think that I wanted you dead - with how much I think about it. And if you can read my mind right now - which I know you can't, because you're giving me that confused look - but if you could, I'd want you to know that I'm obsessed with your death only because I fear it. And I don't always look at your lips and think these depressing things - most of the time I am thinking like a typical man and want to kiss them until their swollen. It is just these human nights. These nights that force me to remember that you are dying . . . and I am losing you.
These kind of things should make me hold you tighter, hold you so tight that neither of us can breath. But I'm scared Kagome, I'm so scared. Because I can feel this human body dying all around me - and I know, that this is you every day. Not once a month, or twelve days out of the year, but every second of every day. How many days are left Kagome? How many days until I have to say goodbye?
I don't know. I don't know anything. And perhaps that scares me most of all. Should I be human - naive and unknowing? Or do I have the strength to love you completely while you're with me, and know what I've lost once you're gone?
Right now, I am a jealous man Kagome.
But maybe tomorrow I'll be able to look at your lips and think only of how much I want to capture them with my own. Maybe tomorrow I will pity the human race for not knowing.
Maybe tomorrow.
But right now I'll except your comforting words - knowing that someday, somehow, I will find the strength to love you. Human or not. And that, Kagome, is something that I can promise you. All I ask is that you wait a little longer . . . wait until I'm strong enough to love you. Until I'm strong enough to lose you.
Just a little longer - I promise.
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This is the shortest piece I've ever written . . . but I rather like it. Inspired by the quote at the beginning of the fic - The Last Unicorn was my favorite movie as a kid. And watching it again now that I'm older I was able to look so much deeper into it. How terrible it really must be - to suddenly feel your body dying around you?
Any way, though this has been sitting in my head for a while, this was finally dragged out of me once I saw a contest on Gaia for an Inuyasha fic. It doesn't end until October 31st (2007) so if you have any suggestions it would be greatly appreciated. ; )
Read and review please!!