Before you all kill me, let it be known that I mean no offense to any Harry Potter / Fullmetal Alchemist crossover writer.
I've been sick the past few days with a lovely fever topping off at 103.9 degrees Fahrenheit. My throat was sore and scratchy and my eyes itched. Every muscle in my body ached and I struggled each day to make the 20-step trip to the bathroom (yes, I counted). But above all, the worst part was the headache that decided to provide me company all throughout my sickness. From the first day of intense dry coughing to the last day of pained groans, my head felt like it was splitting apart. Sound only intensified the strikes of the hammer against my cranium and so, I wore earplugs during the time I was sick. I'm usually quite resistant against the Flu, with the ability to resume life as normal within the first two days, but this one was a tough one. If you've ever been sick, you know how boring it is to be stuck in bed all day with no relief in sight. Even worse, I couldn't even pretend to drown my boredom by listening to trivial banter between fictional characters on a television screen or waste my hours watching videos on the internet until sleep claimed me. There was only one thing that kept me from feeling the need to open the window and drop myself down in a futile attempt to ease my pain: reading. By accident, I stumbled onto a crossover fanfiction about a young alchemist traversing in the Harry Potter realm. I was intrigued by the interactions between characters and the possibilities of the story within. I finished the story, pleased with it and commending it in its originality and uniqueness. Wondering what other sorts of adventures Edward Elric could have with the Boy-Who-Lived, I looked up more stories and spent my time away reading a whole bunch of them. I am no longer sick. And this is my
Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or Harry Potter.
"Oh no, what in bollocks is going on here!?"
A giant transmutation circle surrounded the young state alchemist, the malignant red light bouncing off his golden locks.
"Brother!" A giant suit of armor wearing a loin cloth extended a metal hand desperately, reaching frantically for the teenager disappearing in a mass of what appeared to be black goo. Edward's cries for help were silenced as the last portion of his body disappeared before his brother's eyes.
Edward ceased yelling upon realizing his new location. Shuddering at the memories it rekindled within him, the young boy's face contorted into one of anger when he heard a familiar, lofty voice.
"Hello, Mr. State Alchemist." Edward gave a small snort as his response.
"What do you want now, Truth?"
"Come on. I give you access to the 'truth' and you can't even tell you're stuck in a crappy fanfiction? You disappoint me, Edward."
"You've got me there, but what's your point? I'm not gonna take this seriously anyway."
"Well, since you've been such a good boy, I'm deciding to give you a second chance by taking away your first second chance for no reason."
"What? But why?"
"Because I'm an asshole...oh, and the plot demands it. We need to somehow explain how you leave Amestris."
"...that just sounds like lazy writing to me..."
"Shut the fuck up! If the writer demands it, then let it be so!" Truth bellowed. "Oh, by the way, don't forget to thank me later for depositing you in / near a magical school in some country you know nothing about that speaks a different language. Aren't I the nicest guy ever!" Finishing his little speech, the gate opened and a million small black hands latched onto the elder Elric brother before dragging him into the gate. Truth's grin only widened upon hearing the boom of the gate as its enormous doors closed once more. "Being god has its merits," he laughed.
LATER
"Hey, wazzat?"
"Oh ma god, he's totally bleeding. Let's just stand here like idiots and send for help because we're completely useless," Harry suggested.
"Brilliant idea, Harry," Ron agreed. Hermoine ran off to find the closest teacher for assistance.
"You...are...a...coupla...doopy twats," Elric breathed out as he came to after falling 40 feet. Truth just couldn't teleport him onto ground, could he? Fucking asshole.
"Oh hey, we can understand you somehow. What's with that?" Harry inquired.
"I think we can attribute that to more lazy writing. Not that it really matters. Some way or another, the author would force me to be able to communicate with you within the first 3 chapters," Edward commented before a sharp pain reminded him of his dying status. "Oh, and I'm also dying so if you wouldn't mind, could you get to work on that?"
"No way! Are you actually expecting competence from us?" Ron replied.
"I'm the greatest wizard, apparently. But I only know about 4 spells and the only reason I've been able to survive is through cliched writing and relying on pure luck," Harry added.
"Main character syndrome?" Edward asked. Harry nodded. "I know someone else just like you. Pretended he was a pretty good ninja, despite only knowing 3 techniques after years and years of training. Seriously, the only reason he's still alive is because of the stupid fox sealed up inside him."
"Fox?"
Edward shook his head, despite his various injuries. "Forget I said anything. Leave it for a different crossover." Edward looked at the approaching group of instructors and groaned. "Why are you always here, Snape?"
"Because the author has to set up some sort of petty early conflict and who better for the position than me?"
"Listen, greaser, we can talk about bad unoriginal plot all you want later but I need to get back home. Can you help me?"
"I believe I can assist there," the headmaster, Dumbledore, interjected as he eyed the young boy with great interest. "And by assist, I mean enslave you in my castle under the pretense of becoming a student and using your for my own interests."
"Your own interests?" Edward repeated.
"You help me...relieve some stress and maybe we can work something out, if you know what I mean," Dumbledore elaborated, making sure to wink twice in the process.
"So I guess the rumors were true, huh," Edward stated after shrinking back in horror. "No offense, but I think I'd rather stay with the greaser than talk to you any more, you creepy lemon pedo."
"Look, it's kinda chilly out here so can we go back inside and advance the plot?" Harry pleaded.
"What plot?" Edward interjected but he found himself going inside the castle anyway. "Oh look, a bunch of stuff I've never seen before. Allow me to stare all googly-eyed at these strange sights and give you suspicions that I'm a muggle."
"Say, are you a muggle," Ron asked.
"Well, I'm amazed at seeing things that should be common to the ordinary wizard, I don't have a wand on me, I can't remember how I got here, and I'm wearing muggle clothing. Just what exactly tipped you off there, genius?"
"Oh, okay. You pass then. You must be some brilliant wizard then. Mind showing me your magic?" Edward facepalmed as he entered Dumbledore's office.
AFTER BORING PLOT POINTS AND LAZY EXPOSITION
"Look at me, I'm small but I eat a lot so how about you make a comment about it?" Edward ranted as he shoved food down his throat. "And make sure you insert a comment about my height so that I overreact and create an awkward, unfunny, and very predictable scene?"
"Wow, you sure do eat a lot for a small guy," some kid remarked.
"Like fucking clockwork," Edward sighed. "Insert ridiculous reaction here," he said with the enthusiasm of a rock.
"How come we didn't get to see you sorted," the same kid asked.
"Because who gives a crap? I'm only here temporarily and I always end up in Gryffindor anyway, despite the fact that I should definitely be in Ravenclaw. But hey, people all over the world suck dick for Godric so I can't say I'm surprised," Edward replied.
"Did you know Naruto once got sorted into Slytherin?" Harry informed Edward.
"Oh yeah? How was that?"
"Pretty good story. Probably the most realistic of all the 1000+ Naruto/Harry Potter crossover stories on this website."
"What is a website? And who's Naruto?" Ron asked in between gulps of food.
"Shut up, Ron! No one likes you," Edward answered.
"Awww."
LATER AT SOME CLASSES
"Oh Hi, Ed. How come you're in the same classes we are?" Hermoine pondered.
"Because the author lacks creativity," was the snarky response.
"5 million points from Gryffindor," Snape barked out.
"Hey, greaser!"
"Hello, Edward."
"Would you like to go about and do the standard classroom confrontation between you and me?"
"You mean the one everyone uses? Where I belittle you in front of everyone in an attempt to make my emo self feel a little better about being Dumbledore's fuckdoll but you manage to accomplish whatever I asked of you and embarrass me instead?" Edward nodded his head. "Must we proceed with such a foolish scene?"
"Well, I guess it's up to the author to choose."
"Well, Mr. Author? What do you decide?" The whole classroom looked up at me, expecting a response. I was going to have Edward be the bigger man and step down so that he could plan his revenge and unleash it upon Greaser at a later time but if everyone else is doing the same thing, I suppose I might as well.
"Proceed as I say," I command. The characters groan before returning their attention on their setting.
ONE PREDICTABLE SCENE LATER
"Quidditch? What's that? Why fly on brooms? It makes much more sense to fly on carpets!
A FEW MORE PREDICTABLE SCENES LATER
"It's not magic, it's alchemy!"
"You can make gold?" Ron asked excitedly.
"Yah, but I can do other stuff too."
"Like what?"
"Wait. I need to have a confrontation with Malfoy before I can show off my power."
AFTER LOCATING A LITTLE PUREBLOOD PUSSY
"Insert a comment on your height here," Malfoy said.
"Insert retaliation." Edward prepared to attack Malfoy but stopped as the boy held out his hand.
"Wait. Can't we be a little more original?"
"What do you mean?" Edward asked, intrigued.
"Well, I just don't want to head into a battle I'm destined to lose. I know alchemy is pretty powerful but I just don't get how it's stronger than magic."
"Well, it's cooler!" Edward retorted.
"Yeah, but you have to follow the law of Equivalent Exchange. We're a bunch of losers waving sticks with pretty much unlimited power. Hell, we can just kill people by waving a stick around."
"That is pretty IMBA," Edward agreed.
"Right?" Malfoy and everyone else agreed. "I get that you're very athletic and you could dodge spells but in a cramped hallway full of students watching this exchange, you don't have enough room to be able to possibly dodge all the little tricks I'm heading up my sleeve."
"But in every other story, the space magically gets bigger and I end up winning. But that's just bad writing again, I guess." Edward chuckled. "You know what? You're not so bad, Malfoy. Wanna be pals?"
Before anyone could guess what had happened, both boys went skipping down the corridor.
MANY BORING, PREDICTABLE SCENES LATER
Generic face off with Voldemort ends with further stalling of Voldemorts plans / his defeat / Ed's return to Amestris.
END I know that I should be working on my other poorly written crossover instead of this but I just needed to get this out. Like I said before, I don't mean to insult anyone. This is just me getting rid of some frustration after essentially reading the same story several times. I should have just quit after the second one.