A/N-If you want a disclaimer, look at my profile. Aaaaaaanyway, I'm back! It'd been pretty much a year since I was last on this site with this particular account. And, I'm ready to get this party started with a bang! I'm a bit buzzed right now, but trust me, I can make it through, just read on. Oh, for you sensitive types, this is a HUMOR story, people WILL be OOC, not TERRIBLY OOC, but OOC, nonetheless.
It was a dark and stormy night—lol, I'm just kidding, hahaha. Anyway, we join April O'neal, who appears to be having a bit of an issue…
She's at the local pharmacy, in the feminine products aisle. Dejectedly, she mumbled to herself, "Oooh, this is the 20th store I've checked today. I've been to all the grocery stores and pharmacies in the community, and I JUST can't FIND it."
She looks around the aisle again, but with a sense of hopelessness and embarrassment. She noticed all the angry stares she's been getting all day from various people as she walked past them and it was NO FUN.
The bus ride over was especially not pleasant, as she remembered that the bus has those cusion-y seats that, once she sat down, her eyes rolled in the back of her head and she almost fainted. The cushion from the seat effectively wafted her own…aroma back into her face and up her nostrils. She remembered her father warning her FOUR days ago to take a bath, but nooooo. SHE was too busy playing playstation and eating Doritos to do that and now she was paying the price.
She knew, inside, that regular soap wouldn't help much at THIS stage of the game. She knew that, if she used regular soap,-and she LOVED to use Dove soap—she knew that she'd just wind up smelling like an…an old onion covered in soap, UGH!
April KNEW she couldn't live with THAT kind of shame and humiliation—yeah, as if today wasn't already humiliating enough. She mumbled to herself "Oh, I smell like an old urinal! I KNOW master Splinter taught me BETTER than this, why did I let this happen? NOW it seems that NO store has any douche strong enough to…to MASK this!"
Just then, a middle-aged lady walked by her shaking her head and grimacing from the very obvious smell emanating from April's nether region.
Meanwhile, at a dark hideout underground, we have a man with a lot of metal on his face. He's talking to a couple of soldiers dressed in black…
"Ah yes, my foot soldiers, you have done well. You have successfully stolen all of the douche from all of the stores on the surface! "
In a sinister voice, he says, "Now, with all of this douche, I shall have the world at my beck and call! And, in a few days, all shall witness my power! Especially since it is to be so hot! Think about it—the smell shall be UNBEARABLE! Even those wretched TURTLES won't be able to stop me!"
One of the soldiers asked, "Well, why not, master?"
Shredder smirked and replied, "Simple, my disciple—"
Shredder points to a giant screen that showed April searching helplessly for douche at a local pharmacy.
Shredder finally replies, "I want you all to get HER and bring her here! I have a…PLAN for this young lady! For I…will bring out her true potential! I will show her that she DOES have it in her to do my BIDDING!"
The foot clan and Shredder look at each other and start laughing hysterically.
Meanwhile, in the clean and glamorous New York sewer system, we come to the turtles' lair, in Splinter's study, where he's masturbat—er…um, I mean MEDITATING…
Suddenly, his eyes opened and widened. Hehad this inexplicable feeling of doom and it caused his…um…rest to be disturbed. He said to himself, "I have this inexplicable feeling of doom and it has cause my…um…rest to be disturbed. (Yeah, original aint' I?) And I feel that my old nemesis Saki is involved in this somehow!"
He quickly puts away his lotion and pulls his kimono back over his midsection and yells, "TURTLES, COME QUICK, I NEED YOU ALL—AT ONCE!"
So, the turtles all came running into Splinter's study, weapons drawn.
Leo asked, "What's wrong, master? We got here as quick as we can!
My sons, my old rival, Shredder is up to something, I can SENSE it!"
Donny replies, "Well, what's he up to, Sensei?
Splinter gently closed his eyes and answered, "That, I'm not entirely certain of, but I know for a FACT that it also involves April! Turtles, please find her immediately!"
Leo hurreidly answered, "Sure thing, Splinter! She'll be safe in our hands, C'mon, guys!"
The turtles turned and and started out of the lair. Splinter halted them and said, "Oh yeah, I also sensed that April hasn't exercised proper douching discipline—and this is MAJOR!"
Donny replied, "Oh NO! My little April isn't…clean?"
Raph rolled his eyes and answered, "You dummy, when is your green ass gonna' learn that she doesn't LIKE you like that?"
Donny replied, "Yes she does, only YOU guys can't see the beauty in our love we have for one another. Besides, I KNOW she likes this 'GREEN ASS' in my tight new jeans—complete with my sock—er, I mean TURTLE penis in front! —PENIS on the half-shell, bitches!
Raph shook his head and Leo replied, "We don't have TIME for this, we have to get going before Shredder gets his mitts on April!"
Splinter spoke up, "Be CAREFUL, my turtles!"
So, the turtles ran out of the lair and yelled "TURTLES FIGHT WITH HONOR!" in unison.
Splinter waited until the turtles left and quickly pulled his lotion back out and tossed his kimono off of his midsection. He smiled and grumbled to himself, "I'm glad my sons didn't notice my pitched tent in my kimono, I would've had to make up some kind of…of…karate/discipline mumbo-jumbo to explain it, WHEW!
To be continued…hope I'm not too rusty at this shit, here.