It's three in the morning, they were watching it again, and they still somehow managed to lose track of the plot.
"It's so dumb," he muttered.
"It's so stupid!" Kyu Sugardust shouted. She jerked a slice of meatball pizza at the widescreen and on it the mass of flesh currently pounding away with as much joy as pistons in a car factory. "He's not even doing it right! His technique is all over the place! This is why they make a killing off dildos!"
"Right!" He reached for the last piece and touched it just as Kyu finished hers and snatched it out of his grasp. "Oi."
"What?" Kyu still had her eyes glued to the shame, already biting down hard on her prize. She shook her head. The love fairy in her was triggered by this poor excuse for cinema erotica. "Seriously, where did they find this guy?" She asked incredulously. "My gramps can do a better job with his water hose, and he's older than the Himalayas."
"That was my piece."
Kyu followed his gaze to the box sitting open on the coffee table in front of them with nothing but flakes of dough and cheese in it. "So?" She mumbled through a mouthful. "Get another box."
"That was the last box."
"Goddammit, champ. Just order another one."
"Kyu," he explained. They were on the couch, and he glanced towards the dinner table and the clock to make sure he was right. "We have ordered ten boxes already. At this point, I might as well invite the delivery boy in and tell him to come inside and eat with us if I call the joint again, because for fuck's sake we can't keep meeting him at the door and pretend we haven't seen him before in our entire lives."
"You're talking about Sam right?" Kyu waved her fingers at him, before staring at them and realizing that she had some sauce to lick off. "Yeah! Let's order another and let him in when he shows up. Poor boy shouldn't be out on the streets so late."
"No we can't."
"Why not?"
"Because if we do he's going to come inside and see this." He waved at the widescreen, frowning as for a moment he tried to figure out what was going on: who was on top, who was on bottom, and who was doing what to who. "And when he does he's going to think we need him for a threesome or something."
Kyu's eyes widened as she chewed and mulled over that one. "He looked pretty buff," she said slowly.
He shook his head. "No. No. Not happening."
"Oh come on. You're bitch enough to take it up the ass anyway."
"You'll get the remote up your ass if you even touch my phone." He rubbed his temple, trying to figure out how to explain this to her. "Besides, you got to think about it from my perspective. Let's say I'm crazy enough to go for it. Let's say I'm just that thirsty. What if in the heat of the moment Sam and I happened to…" His voice trailed off as a mental image got into his head.
"What? Tap lightsabres?"
"Yeah. Exactly that."
Kyu snorted. "Homophobe. So uptight. Much conservative. Fine, we'll order from some other place then."
"No, we're not doing that either."
She opened her mouth to retort, but at that moment her gaze strayed back to the TV and she immediately forgot what she was going to say to him. "That is not how you're supposed to use your fingers!" She cried out. "What the hell's the matter with you, man! Are you trying to look bad? Step up your game! No wonder this shit's free!"
He leaned back and looked up at the ceiling as Kyu, ever the aficionado for the arts, continued to point out the errors, forgetting that it was all just acting.
That's when his phone rang.
He sat up and reached for it but Kyu beat him to the punch. "Yo, Sam!" Kyu shouted, answering it. "If you got the meat then I got the teats!"
"Gimme that." He snatched it off her sticky hands. "Hello?" He asked tentatively as he tried to wipe the smeared sauce off his phone while cupping the microphone so the caller couldn't hear the movie.
"Who was that just then?"
"Oh that?" He glanced at Kyu, and his roommate rolled her eyes and mimed jerking off as she reached out for the remote and muted the TV. "That's my sister."
"Really? She sounds…fun."
"That's one way to put it." He stood up and made his way to the balcony. Outside, sirens and helicopter rotors could be heard in the distance. "So what's up?" He asked, holding the phone up before his face instead of putting it up to his ear where the sauce would just get into his ear.
"I'm still mad at you, by the way," she added.
"And I'm still sorry."
"Right. Gee, you're still sorry. Guess that makes everything so much better." A loud thump punctured her words. "That's what you said last time. So sick of your shit."
He winced. "Alright, Tiff. I'll bite. Why'd you call me then?"
A loud exhale on the other end of the line. "Why? I don't know. I really don't know." He waited as Tiffany hissed to herself in frustration. From the sounds of it and from his own knowledge of what she was liked when she was riled up, she had stood up and started pacing. He imagined what she'd look like. She'd be in one of his old T-shirts with her hair done up in a ponytail and she'd be biting a nail as she tried to figure out what she wanted to say. He had a friend who made sure to give everyone in his contact list a nickname where the context was very specific and known only within their personal circle, like naming a friend Tyrone because despite the fact that he was Asian he could rap and spit rhymes with the best of them, and he knew a girl who did the same thing, except she used her favourite comic book heroes and villains instead of racial stereotypes. He himself, on the other hand, usually did nothing like that.
Except when it came to Tiffany. He had a photo to go with her number which came up on the screen whenever she called. He was looking at it now, looking at her beaming back in her scarf and coat, her hands out with thumbs and index fingers miming taking a snapshot of him. He remembered the occasion and the moment. Those were much better days.
"Listen," he asked carefully. "Do you want to come over to my place?"
A slight hitch in breath was her initial answer. "You mean like right now?" She asked just as carefully.
"Yeah. I'll come around and pick you up. Remember when we did our little Q&A out on the hiking trail? You said pizza and a movie would be the best date. Well, I got both right here behind me. I'll kick my sister out before I come by so it'll just be the two of us."
A loud huff from her as she remembered. "Look, it's three in the morning."
"And knowing you, you're probably up eating breakfast right about now."
An awkward silence. "That's true," Tiffany admitted sheepishly.
He thought for a moment. "Cereal?"
"Cocoa Puffs."
"I prefer something with meat."
"That's because you want to die from heart disease."
His eyes widened. "Hey, I work out!"
"So why do I never find you at the gym?"
"Because I like to do it from the privacy of my home with my own set of 20s!"
"Liar. They're probably 10s at best."
"It's the truth," he retorted. "Look, so you want to come?"
"Do I?" Tiffany asked aloud, and he tried to tell himself that he was imagining the bitter note in her voice. "You'd like that wouldn't you?"
"Is that a yes?"
A long pause, and when she finally answered her tone had gone frosty again. "No, I'm not feeling up for it tonight."
He stiffened. "Alright then. How about tomorrow? I mean this afternoon, since you don't have classes on Sunday."
"Yeah, maybe." There was another pause. "Look, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to string you along or anything. I just feel like I need some more time to think."
"And you have every right to it." He hesitated. "Take care of yourself."
Silence. The sirens had stopped. The helicopter had landed. The city had gone quiet. It was definitely just him, but for the briefest of moments, he thought the entire world was eavesdropping.
"Love you."
The call went dead.
He stood there for a while, holding the phone before his body remembered it was cold and shivered for him.
He walked back inside. The movie was gone now. Kyu had turned the TV off. "So how'd it go, champ?" She asked from the couch, a bag of chips crackling as she popped it open and dug her fingers in. "Tiff still thinks you're a fuckboy?" She asked, tossing a pair down the hatch. Munch-munch. Chew-chew.
He ran a hand through his hair in frustration as he put his phone down. "Yeah. She still does."
Kyu nodded energetically. "Plan to prove her wrong?"
He gestured helplessly. "Maybe she deserves someone better?"
"Of course she does, Casablanca." Kyu glanced down, grimaced, and then let out an impressively loud burp. "So why don't you see to it that you are that someone?" Second burp followed the first. "Whoa," she waved at the air. "Reckon the neighbours heard that one."
"What if I'm too late?"
"Oh come on." Kyu stuck her nose in the bag of paper chips, sniffing and inhaling and hyperventilating like a coke addict just mere moments away from an overdose. "That's your pride speaking for you. Somewhere deep down, you still resent her for putting you in this situation. So you want to run, cut your losses and start over with some other broad. You want to cop out."
"That's not true."
"Sure it is. Has she found someone else?"
"No, not to my knowledge."
Kyu rolled her eyes. "Not to my knowledge," she echoed. "Just go with your gut and be honest with me. How about this? Does Tiffany hate it when you window shop while you're with her?"
"Yes."
"Then no, she hasn't, champ. She's one of those monogamous gals, or a hypocrite." Kyu shoved another handful of junk food into her mouth. More munching and chewing as he waited for her to gulp it all down. "Tomorrow," she got out, almost choking herself in the process. "You're going to call, not her, and you're going to ask her to meet up at some swanky café downtown. One of her favourites and you let her pick the time, and when you're both there you're going to show her you care. No flirting, no booze and no fucking. Just talking. If things go well, you two will get past this. If it doesn't happen, well, you tried and next time you'll do better."
He processed what she said as she processed her food and burped. He shook his head in wonder as he remembered just how quickly she can change changed from sex freak to porn critic to love coach. "Kyu...thank you."
"Don't thank me. Just doing my job." Kyu reached for the remote and turned the TV on again. He grimaced as the room was filled once more with the sound of flesh crudely slapping flesh. "Wow, at least look like you're having fun, man!" she declared to the screen. "Put your back into it! You look like a dog who just came back from the vet! Andale! Andale!" She narrowed her eyes as she came to a revelation. "I'm surprised I didn't realise this until now, but why is every dick circumcised?"
"On that note, I'm going to go hit the sack," he muttered, picking up his phone and hurriedly turning in the direction of the bedroom.
"If you need helping busting a nut, I'm always here," Kyu replied cheerfully, before suddenly throwing her hands out and spinning around in alarm. "No wait!" She yelled, her bag of chips spilling its contents all over the place as she got her feet onto the couch and raised herself up on her knees. "You can't! Not yet!"
"Why not?"
"Because Sam's coming with more pizza!"
Haven't been around for a long time and I know you guys have heard all the excuses before, so let's cut to the chase. I'm back and I'll be a bit more active for the holiday season, so if you have a request for Santa, feel free to let me know in that big box below or by PM, and I'll pass on the word :D
No seriously. Type some shit down. I don't even get paid for this.