Try to write something and then some

Arceus gave up. After countless months of trying to separate Dialga and Palkia he gave up. All of the other legendaries in the Hall of Origin either claimed to be happy with their living arrangements or once Arceus tried to separate the two they would bug the crap out of their new roommates about their "space/time bro" that it would lead to them getting kicked out of said room. The space time duo annoyed everyone when they get separated with melodramatic claims that they'd die without the one another or some other cliche high school lovey-dovey shit. The complaints are enough to cause even the most patient legendaries to turn into raving psychopaths. It was best for everyone that they'd stay together, completely smitten with each other, therefore Arceus had to completely drop the issue. He might not like the idea of the two making out but at lest the Hall of Origin was somewhat peaceful again. He could get back to writing his book. As he was about to telepathically type into a saved word document he heard a frustrated scream.

'For the love of … What now?' He thought. He walked into the rec. room where he caught Latios throwing down an Xbox controller. Latias looked at him with an innocent facade while Deoxys, Mewtwo, and Shaymin watched on the couch.

"What's wrong brother? Are you mad that I'm getting better?" Latias asked, secretly taunting him. Latios looked flustered for a minute before leaving the room in a huff.

"Is that normal?" Deoxys asked.

"Only when you claim to be boss at FPSs and don't want to admit that you suck in front of your sister and deny that girls can be into FPSs." Latias replied.

"Under normal circumstances, especially among humans there'd be a lot more kicking, screaming and claims of cheating, along with some insults." Shaymin explained.

"Why would they act in such a manner? It's just a bunch of pixels that move around and you control." Deoxys wondered.

"You remember the time Jirachi cried over some show? It's kind of like that except there's more pride involved." Mewtwo explained.

'Looks like I don't need to get involved.' Arceus thought, leaving just as Latias challenged the extra terrestrial to a round. As he was going to get back to his computer he heard a crash. He rushed to the kitchen and saw Phione hovering over a broken glass.

"I-I didn't do it! I mean that was there and and and …" She stuttered breaking down crying, "I'm sorry! I was …" The dialogue after that became incomprehensible blubbering.

"It's okay." The god pokemon soothed, "Calm down and tell me what happened." Phione took a few deep breaths.

"I was going to get a glass of water but the glass slipped and it broke. I didn't know what to do because I thought you'd get mad." She explained.

"Why would you think I'd get mad?"

"You almost exploded when Groudon broke a window."

"First off, Groudon is a reckless idiot. Second, replacing windows is expensive. Third, it was winter and I know some of you don't do well in cold weather. This is just a drinking glass, dropped by you and no one's life is in danger." Arceus argued while teleporting the pieces of broken glass into the trash then getting Phione a glass of water.

Elsewhere in the Hall of Origin Celebi was on her laptop typing up something in her blog.

"Wha'cha doin'?" Jirachi asked, hovering over her.

"Updating my blog along with scaring the crap out of some humans." Celebi answered.

"Is it that blog where you pretend to be a time traveling human from the year 2029 and claim to have come to prevent the apocalypse from happening in that year?"

"Yep."

"So what are they asking?"

"They're wondering how this fake apocalypse happened."

"Oh have Deoxys's race invade."

"That's unlikely. According to Deoxys, his race are more concerned with scientific discovery rather than invasion. The only reason why a whole group would come here is if we've managed to create a method of exploring black holes with guaranteed survival."

"That's a shame. What are you telling them?"

"I said that the Unovan government creates a virus to attempt to systematically wipe out any humans deemed unnecessary but the virus got to pokemon turning them into berserkers destroying civilizations. Then I had robots taking over killing off all the pokemon and enslaving the human race. The oxygen then gets depleted and the human race starts dying and a bunch of natural disasters happen coming very close to wiping out most of the human race."

"Where did you get most of this stuff? Does this actually happen?"

"No, I just makeup stuff that I think will scare humans. Just between you and me, depending on the time line the apocalypse is in the year 2345 or 3000 so there's nothing to worry about for centuries."

"What's going on in 2029?"

"Nothing worth mentioning, out of all the years I visit 2029 is one of the most boring. The previous year and the year after on the other hand, some groundbreaking changes have been made in the olympics."

"Like what?

"Kung fu ping-pong, husband carrying, and snail racing become official sports and spectators can now get arrested for sneaking in porn." Celebi said bluntly, Jirachi looked at her as if she were high. "I'm dead serious also walking cellphones are banned." Jirachi decided not to ask as he watched Celebi finish typing her blog and posting the fake apocalypse story. "Now we sit back and watch what happens" She said grinning evilly.

Meanwhile Giratina was smoking pot because who wouldn't get high when one has to listen to Dialga and Palkia's mush.

"MY LOVE FOR YOU WILL REACH BEYOND TIME AND CELEBI'S MEDDLING." Claimed Dialga.

"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT NOT EVEN THE UNIVERSE CAN SEPARATE ME FROM YOU!" Palkia claimed.

"Still not completely stoned." Sighed Giratina when Mesperit walked in. The "LOVE LOVE LOVE" junk between the two made her want to puke when normally she would be all for emotions of love.

"Hey Giratina, have an extra joint?" She asked.

"I have plenty to spare, knock yourself out." He said handing her a joint and lighting it.

Uxie was surfing the interwebs when he came across something very interesting.

"Huh." He remarked.

"What are you huhing about brother?" Azelf asked.

"Celebi posted on her blog. I wonder how many people will freak out over this fake apocalypse." He said.

"What makes you say it's fake?"

"Come on, government approved virus accidently getting on pokemon, robot take over, and complete oxygen depletion? That sounds very unlikely not to mention that half of the causes of the apocalypse are completely absurd." Uxie commented. Azelf read over the blog post and she'd have to agree, that post is bullshit.

Arceus finally got to type his novel. He was in the middle of a love scene when Mew floated in.

"Hey God, wha'cha up to?" He asked hovering over him.

"I'm typing my book." Arceus replied eyes glued to the screen.

"Are you hoping that this doesn't become a best seller?"

Arceus paused to look up to Mew, "What do you mean?"

"Simply put, from what I could read this is bad and I hope that the rest of this document isn't like this." Mew criticized.

"What's bad about this section?"

"Do you want the nice version or the version that's guaranteed to make you cry?"

"Nice version …?" Arceus replied.

"Your romance between Isabel and Frank is a mess. I can't believe I'm saying this but Twilight makes a better love story." Mew started. "You're characters are flatter than a piece of paper and make a textbook seem exciting. Isabel gets the worse of this treatment. I mean does she do anything other than sit with a stupid grin on her face and say "I have boobs?""

'This is the nice version?' Arceus thought.

"The chemistry between the two is non existent and it seems like it was just thrown in for the sake of "there has to be a romance." Then there's your sex scene, is this really necessary? Your novel would be fine without it. It pops out of nowhere and adds nothing to the plot or lack thereof. If you really wanted a sex scene then study your human anatomy for fuck's sake! This is so inaccurate that it isn't even funny. Half of the shit you put in here would leave several broken bones and possibly death. Also whips don't leave bruises, they can cut the skin. If you want something that screams S&M go for a crop, it doesn't make a "wh-ch" sound and doesn't cut the skin. Also, you can't use whipped cream as a lubricant, it causes yeast infections in women and discomfort in men, in fact you don't want to be putting any sugary stuff on genitalia for those reasons." At the same time Keldeo and Cobalion were passing by. Cobalion heard the porn lecture an expression of panic came on his otherwise stoic face and shoved Keldeo.

"D-dad … hey!" Keldeo protested as he was pushed down the hall.

Mew continued on his rant, "What the hell is with the breast milk? Don't you know that only pregnant and nursing women lactate? Get rid of that. Oh and you're real lucky I'm going easy on you because there are so many spelling a grammar mistakes that it's hardly recognizable for a piece of writing. Use spellcheck for christ's sake!"

"You're calling that easy? You practically ripped these pages apart!" Arceus snapped.

"Well excuse me for giving honest critique!" Mew argued. "If you didn't want it then you shouldn't have asked."

"I thought you were going to be gentle with it."

"That was gentle by internet critic standards!"

"You know what, screw you, I don't need your critique I'm just going to ask the other legendaries!"

"Good luck not getting your heart broken." Mew smirked. Later that day Arceus called a meeting. Latias and Shaymin were complementing each other on their gaming skills until Latios came in, Dialga and Palkia were literally all over each other when Manaphy tried to get inbetween the two they ignored the little guy altogether and stroked each other's eyebrows. Once all the legendaries were assembled Arceus appeared up with a stack of papers as tall as him. Some of the legendaries cringed at the stack.

"All right everyone I have an assignment for all of you." He announced, "Read over what I have of my novel so far, please give your honest opinions." There were groans and mumbles amongst the group. He then teleported a copy of the incomplete book to everyone along with a pen. "No talking." Was his final order before the rest of the legendaries started reading. The majority started cringing as they wrote small notes down. Giratina wrote something down, then took the second half of the book and started to smoke it. Keldeo throughout wrote something down, tapped Cobalion, and showed him the note. Cobalion's face would turn pale while Terrakion and Virizion stifled their laughter when they'd peer over. Cobalion would stand frozen for about half an hour then wrote something down. While throughout, the session Dialga and Palkia would write something down, trade documents, write something else down, trade back and repeat.

'That's not criticizing is it?' Arceus thought. Not even half way throughout Mewtwo stabbed his non writing hand until it bled, filled the pen with his blood and continued a few other legendaries did something similar. Kyogre gave himself a nose bleed, flipped to the last page whipped some blood onto his flipper then wrote something on that last page with said flipper, slid it to Arceus and left with a trail of blood following him out of the meeting room. Latias at some point just started stabbing the book. Victini burned the book and left. Darkrai just started crying at some point and used the book pages as tissues. One by one each legedary left their copy of the book and ran out of the room because they were either bleeding or they didn't want to stay. Ho-oh being the the second last one to leave flipped the table as Cobalion stood frozen unable to answer Keldeo's written question.

A week later, Arceus stood in his room looking down at the copies of his unfinished book. Horrified at the comments written about it.

"Are you here to gloat Mew?" He asked, not even looking up from the pile.

"No, I was wondering where you were, no one has seen you for a week." The pink cat like legendary said. "Man we really ripped your book apart didn't we?"

"From Dialga and Palkia: "Space bro Time bro" written at least ten times on each page, from Giratina: "Too high to read" followed by the second half of the book being smoked, from Kyogre: "Fuck you" written in blood by his fin." Arceus began.

"Impressive." Mew commented.

"From Victini: a pile of ash, from Darkrai: "Not even I would give out this nightmare fuel." Followed by the last quarter being unreadable because it's stained by his tears, from Deoxys: "This further cements my dislike, no, hatred for porn," from Mespirit: a bunch of scribbles, from Celebi: "Oh I remember how the world ended on the year 3000, this piece of shit was sold."" The god pokemon continued.

"Ouch."

"From Zekrom: "What were you smoking when you came up with this?" From Cobalion: "Do you even have an audience in mind? This clearly isn't for anyone of any age!" From Azelf: "There is no way I would buy this," from Mewtwo: "The amount of blood I've lost criticizing this isn't worth it," from Shaymin: "I'll be grateful if you gave up on this abomination," from Suicune: "This book can go fuck itself for all I care," from Latias: several complaints of flat characters followed by several stab holes."

"I think I get the idea."

"From Cresselia: "This better not have come from a dream.""

"You can stop now."

"From Jirachi: "I can't even grant a wish to make you not write so badly.""

"Arceus."

"From Meloetta: "There is no way this will be inspirational.""

"God."

"From Genesect-"

"Enough!" Mew shouted, "I get it these comments are harsh and I'm sorry that I was really tough on you! It's my job to rip apart shitty works of fiction!"

"Wait what?"

"What do you think I do for most of the day? I work for a website that writes reviews for various written works spanning from the classic novels to fanfiction."

"Since when?"

"Since review sites started popping up." Arceus looked at him blankly, "When your job is just "ancestral pokemon" you don't get to do much, yeah maintain a fucking rock, big woop. This job just occupies my time with something that I'm fascinated with."

"Okay … anyway … will you be my editor?"

"What?"

"Will you be my editor? I know you're going to rip it apart but your comments before that conference were nicer by comparison."

"You do know that being your editor means that my reviews will be pushed back."

"Consider this as an extra hobby."

"…" Mew levitated a book towards him. "All right, but first get rid of these sections." He said taking three sections then burning them. "From what I can tell this is supposed to be a science fiction and these sections make it less so."

"Actually it was supposed to be a steampunk."

"Well …" Mew burned the rest of the copy and levitated another copy, "get rid of the sections that make it seem more futuristic than Victorian. Do you even have anything on the Victorian era?"

"Well …"

"I recommend doing some research on the era before writing a book on it." Mew teleported away for a few seconds then came back with a laptop and some human history books. Arceus sighed, this was going to be a long editing process.

XXX

Hello, I probably should be updating some other fanfics but this was stuck in my head and I had to get it down on paper. I know this isn't anything new, this is just a little for fun thing so enjoy. If anyone likes it then I'll probably update more chapters.