Broken :: A FFVIII Fanfic
By Nicole Loire
The sun was setting over the peaceful fields that surrounded Balamb Garden and the sky had been transformed into a multitude of colours. Violet hues and shades of magenta streaked across the horizon and surrounded the orange sphere of energy that was slowly disappearing beneath the ocean waters that seemed so close yet so far away. A soft summer breeze blew through Squall's hair and he closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath and savoring the moment. He was all alone in the secret spot that was hidden within the training area. He felt at ease as he leaned against the stone ledge of the balcony, staring off to a distant place and losing himself in thought. He could feel at peace here when he was isolated; he felt far away from everyone and everything.
His companions had headed off to the city of Dollet earlier that night for a dinner party in honor of Zell's nineteenth birthday. They were most likely drinking in a pub right now, while reminiscing about 'the good old times' and swimming in an sea full of nostalgia and jubilant memories. It had been nearly a year since the destruction of Ultimecia. Tranquility had returned to the Gaia and all threats were eliminated. Galbadia and Esther were the two superpowers and with the addition of Gardens that they proposed to create along with the numerous peace treaties that had come into effect, everything slowly seemed to be getting back to normal.
Rinoa and himself were still together, and their one year anniversary was coming up on the weekend. It was Wednesday and Squall felt as though an unbearable burden was placed on his shoulders. When he had been placed in charge of Garden before, it felt as though he had the weight of the world upon him and now that familiar sensation had returned, ten-fold. Civilization was not depending on him anymore, there were no wars and no sorceresses to be defeated. Yet he was in a state of agony now more than ever before and it had been growing stronger with each day that passed. He reckoned that it began nearly a month ago. Back then, he didn't think anything of it and, in his search for logic and reason, he told himself that it would pass and everything would be fine.
Everything was not okay. Change was a funny thing – it swayed two ways like a dual-edged sword. It could be for better or worse. Things had changed between him and Rinoa. She was the light of his life, illuminating the darkness and the shadows that had surrounded him during a time when he felt like a lost and angry little boy. She was his angel and he vowed to spend his life protecting her from harm. He would do anything for her and would follow his sorceress to the ends of the earth.
After the war had ended, she became a member of Laguna Loire's council to help promote unity amongst the nations of the world. She was a powerful figure, one that many looked up to. In fact, people were constantly telling him that he was the luckiest man alive.
"She's so beautiful, Squall and there's something about her; you can tell even from the outside. It's like an aura of sensitivity and compassion that surrounds her. I wish I could find someone like that … a truly wonderful boy."
Ellone had said that to him when she paid him a visit from the space station that had been rebuilt above the magnificent city of Esther. Although her comment carried more depth than most of which he had received, it was something he heard quite often. At first he had shrugged off the flattery and taken it as something to be proud of. He was grateful for Rinoa. No matter how far away she was, how busy she was with the issues that concerned the council, or how many men surrounded her and got to be around her even more than he did, his love for her had never wavered. Until recently, something had been triggered deep down inside of him, from the most inner confines of his heart and soul.
Squall was beginning to lose her. He felt out of touch with the woman he had once fallen in love with. Despite being understanding of their conflicting schedules and shrugging off the many admirers she had, there was only so much that he could stand for. The change had been a gradual one to occur. At first, it was simply a matter of not seeing each other everyday, which was fine because, he thought, as the old quotation went – "Distance makes the heart grow stronger." They were at a point in their relationship where they felt comfortable with each other and they were past the trivial times of lust and infatuation. What they had was something stronger that was built on friendship, trust and most of all, love.
And then one night had changed everything. The three of them – Squall, Rinoa and Laguna – had gone out for dinner. His father happened to comment on the notes that Rinoa had been receiving and the numerous men that had been getting very close to her. He remembered the expression on her face with an intense clarity, when Laguna brought it up.
"You know, it really is amazing how far some people will go. I mean, everyone knows that me and Squall are together. We practically act like a married couple and yet there's still the odd, wishful thinker that will do things like that." She said, lowering her gaze to the untouched plate that was in front of her at the table. Her cheeks had flushed to a light shade of crimson and she forced a smile.
"Yeah for sure. Some good advice, Squall: whatever you do, don't let this one outta your sight. Some guys have no respect or decency." He winked at his son after saying that, indicating that he was merely making a jest. At that moment Squall recalled something that had been said to him many years ago.
~In every joke, there is almost always a half-truth.~
He attempted pushing it to the back of his mind and tried think nothing of it. He played along with Laguna's remark that was intended to be humorous, even though it had struck him like a dagger to his heart and he felt a rage inside him that was beginning to build. Why didn't Rinoa mention it to him before? Was she hiding something? He tried to calm himself down, forced himself to think in a rational manner. Perhaps he was making a big deal out of nothing and his temper was caused by a bit of jealousy. Of course she was sought after. He couldn't blame the guys. She was the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid his eyes on. Not only that, but she was intelligent, strong-willed, honest, and most of all, kind.
His thoughts wandered to the conversation that took place in the car that night. It was the first real fight they had ever gotten into. He guessed that perhaps it was at that point that these feelings had first arisen within him. Despite trying to brush it off as nothing, what Laguna had said in the restaurant had truly gotten to him. In fact, his attention had been distracted for the reminder of the night until they parted with his father and had begun to drive back to Balamb Garden.
"Squall, is everything ok? You seemed so quiet for most of the night. I was scared you were upset. Was it something Laguna said?"
He was silent then, not knowing how to respond to the question without being sarcastic or cruel to her. Surely his anger was petty and unjustified. He knew this but could not rid himself of it. He had no doubts that Rinoa was faithful to him entirely. He trusted her with his whole being; it was her pursuers that he was wary of. The council was made up of many members, the majority of which were male and for all he knew, they could be making passes at her left, right and center. What if somehow she saw something in one of them? What if they were better than him? Feelings of inadequacy began to devour him from the inside out. They made him clench his jaw unknowingly, and grip the wheel of the car with both hands with his face becoming a mask, hidden behind a stoic expression.
"… Was it something I said?" She asked, her own features reflecting a troubled and hurt demeanor.
"No." He responded finally, after several more moments of driving in silence.
She turned to him, biting her lip, and he could see that she was struggling to keep the tears in her eyes from falling. "W-What?"
Squall was well aware of the fact that Rinoa was, by nature, a very emotional person. She did not hold her feelings back and Squall knew that although the silent treatment he gave her had been brief, it had been enough to upset and confuse her. This presented a conflict. He felt guilty. Was he not allowed to feel the way he did because of how it might affect her? Was it wrong for him to be jealous? Was in unfair? The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, and yet he had done so unintentionally.
"I'm sorry." He apologized immediately, realizing what he had done. He reached out his arm to touch her gently on the shoulder and then moved it so that he could hold her hand while guiding the wheel with the other.
"I don't understand." She confessed, squeezing his hand as a single tear trickled down her cheek.
Words could not do justice to what he was experiencing at that moment. He felt horrible. He had made her cry and what was worse was that he was still infuriated. Forcing himself to be calm, he looked over at her and met her eyes, with a small smile that he felt was more of a grimace. She wiped the tear away and sniffled, meeting his gaze with uncertainty evident in her eyes.
"It was what Laguna said about those guys." He admitted, feeling stupid.
"What do you mean? I can't read your mind … I wish I could but you have to tell me what you're feeling." She told him, being entirely honest.
"I'm trying to." He shot back at her, angrily.
She pulled her hand away from his, obviously offended by the harsh tone that he had used.
"I …" He began, trying to form the words that would allow her to understand what he was experiencing. It was not easy. "Why didn't you tell me about the notes? About the guys that were hitting on you in the council?"
"Oh." He saw out of the corner of his eye that she had looked away from him and turned to face the window. "I guess I didn't want to upset you, that's all. I didn't think it was a big deal. It's not like they mean anything. You know that, don't you?"
"Do I?" He questioned her response and shook his head, feeling defeated. "How do you think it makes me feel to hear it coming from Laguna, of all people? If someone's making you feel uncomfortable and getting too close why am I being kept in the dark about it?"
"What are you talking about?" From her manner of speaking, he could tell that she was growing frustrated as well. "It doesn't matter who sends me notes or how many people ask me out to dinner or anything like that. I don't want to be with anyone except you. I thought you knew that by now but I guess not. Do you even trust me?"
"Of course I trust you but it's hard to when I hear things like that." He shot back, icily.
"So what, you're mad at me now because I didn't think it was important? Why should it worry you? You think I'm going to see something in one of them and I'll have an epiphany and suddenly think to myself 'Even though I'm with the love of my life, I think I'll go out with someone else, just for a change.' I love you. That's why I don't get this at all. I'm not trying to hide anything from you or keep you in the dark. Maybe I was wrong for not telling you about some of the pig-headed guys that have asked me out but what would it have accomplished, even if I did? You know just as well as I do that it would have upset you and without reason, too."
"Whatever." He said, growing silent once again.
"Don't say that." They had finally reached Garden, and Squall turned off the vehicle after parking it in the lot. She spoke up and took his hands into hers. "I'm sorry. I didn't know how it would make you feel. I don't want you to be hurt or upset with me."
Although he felt like shoving her away, getting out of the car, slamming the door behind him and walking off, he did not. The emotion and conviction that she spoke with warmed his heart and he could not bear to leave her feeling so badly for the remainder of the night. He sighed silently and pushed away the feelings of rage and mistrust.
"You don't have to apologize. I should be the one saying sorry. I love you too." He told her, and reached out to stroke her cheek with his gloved hand. She closed her eyes and smiled, something she had not done since much earlier that night, before Laguna had uttered those few words that had put him in such a bitter state. Squall leaned in and kissed her, gently. But the bitterness had never truly gone away since that one, fateful night.
Squall looked up to see that the sun had set and the sky was now filled with the light of a full moon that was surrounded by a sea of stars and constellations. He had lost track of time, completely and as he looked down at his watch he saw that it was nearing midnight. Blinking back tears that had come with the recollection, he frowned and shifted his stance. Rinoa and the others were probably back by now and they would be wondering what had become of him. He had told Rinoa that he would meet her back in his dorm room, when she returned from the party.
Scowling for allowing himself to become so distracted, he left the secret spot and began heading back to his room. Squall's heart felt heavy in his chest for he had come to a decision that was one of the hardest that he ever been forced to make in his life, thus far. When he arrived at his room, he heard the soft, sweet voice of Julia Caraway coming from within. Rinoa was singing along to one of her songs - Eyes on Me. Their voices were almost identical. She loved that song.
When he entered, he saw that his girlfriend was laying on his bed and she greeted him with a smile as she got up to turn off the stereo. He could not bring himself to plaster a false display of happiness on his face as she wrapped her arms around him. When she pulled away, he saw the confusion in her eyes and his stomach was instantly put into knots.
"Hey, I was wondering where you were. We got back almost an hour ago." She said, furrowing her eyebrows and giving him an inquisitive glance.
"I was in the training area." He took off his gloves, placed them on the cluttered desk beside his bed and ran a hand through his hair. "I guess I lost track of time."
"Guess so. Is everything ok?" She asked, clearly aware of his pained expression.
He was quiet for a minute before taking her hand and leading her over to the bed to sit down. A wave of nausea passed through him and suddenly he began to feel very nervous and uncertain of what he was about to say.
"Rinoa …" He began, trying to find the words that he had been planning to say all night. Regardless of the fact that he had mapped out the entire conversation in his mind before coming back to his room and seeing her, he could not bring himself to utter the words. "You know I love you and I would do anything for you."
"Mhmm." She replied, looking up to meet his eyes. "I love you too."
"I care about you more than anything. But … things have changed." He forced himself to remember the night in the car, to remember the conversation with Laguna and the girl that was sitting beside him now, appearing to be quite bewildered by what he was saying. He recalled the feelings of jealousy and afterwards, the guilt he had experienced. "I think we should move on. I'm not right for you. We barely see each other anymore and whenever we do, things are different … somehow. It's not your fault, it's mine. I get jealous too easily and you don't deserve it."
He had rendered her speechless and although every word he said to her put him in more and more torment, he had to continue.
"I don't want to hurt you. I'm sorry." He told her.
As he had expected, her lip trembled and her eyes instantly began to fill with tears that streamed down her face. He had to hold back from crying as well when he saw how much those words had upset her and how deeply she was grieved by them.
"You're … breaking up … with me?"
Her expression turned to one of horror. She pulled away from him and it reminded Squall of what happened in the car when they were driving home from dinner with his father. That single memory was killing him.
"I'm sorry." He said again, "I never wanted it to be like this, I-"
"W-Why? What did I do? I love you so much. I th-" She had to pause for a moment before regaining her voice. "I thought everything was ok."
Rinoa broke down entirely. She could not believe what she was hearing from the boy that she had grown to love so much over the past year. He had saved her life. They fought along side each other to put a stop to Ultimecia. Her heart was shattered and thinking of this only made her cry harder. She did not understand any of it.
One moment everything was fine and now this was happening. When she had spoken to him the night before and told him about the plans for Zell's birthday, his denial of the invitation to join them in Dollet had been somewhat unlike him. But she figured he needed some time to be alone. Maybe his responsibilties at Garden were stressing him out and she knew that going out and seeing Zell get more than a bit tipsy would not be his cup of tea, so it didn't worry her that much at the time.
Now he was coming out and telling her that he didn't want to be with her and that he thought they should move on. Why? Although they had gotten into a few small arguments lately because of trivial matters, it wasn't like that was unusual when two people had been going out for some time and were beginning to get adjusted to each other and understand one another fully. They had been able to work through those small and insignificant disputes – or so she had thought, until now.
"It's not because of anything you did." He tried to explain, closing his eyes to stop the tears.
Squall reached out to comfort her but she looked at him like he was her worst fear in the world. She was trembling and holding a hand over her heart as though it had been pierced.
"I still want to be there for you." He said.
She shook her head and got up, stumbling into the bookshelf and crying out in pain and shock. He was on his feet in an instant, trying to help her up but she refused him and turned away when she was able to climb to her feet once again. He backed up and watched her with an overwhelming feeling of sadness.
"Of course you do." She said, in a voice that was barely a whisper.
"Rinoa …"
"No, you can't be there for me, Squall. I know this routine. You still want to be friends. It's not like we aren't going to see each other again. We can still spend time together. You still love me. I'm important to you. But … I can't … accept that. Not after being with you for almost a year. Do you have any idea of what you're doing?"
Squall listened to the words that she was saying, which was exactly what he was about to tell her. All the things about her still being important to him. It was intolerable. Why did she have to make this so hard? Why did he have to fall for her? He knew why. It was because she was his savior. She had shown him how to let down his walls, through her he had learned how to love, how to escape from the clutches of isolation. As much as he wanted to tune out everything that she was telling him, he owed it to her to listen.
"I can't hold your hand anymore. I can't kiss you. You'll never put your arms around me again. We'll never talk to the way we used to and things will never ever be the same. I'm sorry too."
"Stop." He pleaded with her, unable to listen anymore. It took all of his strength not to cover his ears from the harsh reality of the situation.
"I'm sorry I can't accept the fact that you don't love me the way that I love you and that you don't want to be with me in that way." She paused for a moment to collect herself, before continuing. "But I can't go from being like this to being your friend. I'm sorry for being selfish. I don't understand this at all."
Those were the last words that she spoke to him before running out the door. Although it was utter torment to watch her leave in such a state and he had to restrain himself from chasing after her, he remained there in his room, leaning heavily against his chair for support before dropping to the ground and allowing the tears to fall. He had somehow managed to hold on long enough to prevent her from seeing them. Now the only thing he could possibly hope for was that one day she would find it in her heart to forgive him. He prayed to Hyne that she could meet someone who would love her as much as he did; who would be there for her unconditionally and love her more than life itself.
She deserved someone who could make her happy, someone that wasn't plagued with feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Rinoa was his first and only love. He would be forced to live with knowing that he had lost the most important thing in the world to him. She made everything meaningful, she was the first thing he thought of when he woke up in the morning, and she was the only one whose memory would remain in his heart until the day he died. Eventually time would heal the emotional scar, however it could never fade away entirely. When he broke up with her that night, his heart had also broken in two, and she carried with her the other half, for eternity.