The I.D.I.
Irken Defective Infiltration Or Termination
Invader Lok is a defective, he was outcast from the empire many centuries ago...at least that's the official story. Defective he might be, but he s too useful to simply destroy, so the Tallest make better use of him: by sending him on suicide missions in the name of the empire. When Lok is given his latest assignment, he must travel to places unheard of to stop a plot from within the empire itself. His investigation leads him to Earth where he encounters the infamous Zim, and a handful of familiar and equally hated faces.
Facts to know
IDIOT is sponsored in secret by the Tallest, mostly by Purple who sees the use in using covert defective Irkens who cannot be traced back to the empire. Any and all members of IDIOT are given forged IDs to they may pursue their assignments without being stopped by friendly forces. IDIOTs are entitled to one ship with a crew of two Irkens, defective or non-defective. Disclosing their status to their crew is optional.
Even if confirmed as defective by public, an IDIOT may not be executed.
The fact of the matter is...the Irken gods really favour IDIOTs.
Xxx
DOWDOW!
The Rinchian cried out as a pair of laser bolts struck her between the shoulder blades. She fell, her laser pistol sliding out of her grip and stopping at the feet of a Rinchian child that stared at the shooter with wide, frightened eyes, holding a stuffed Vortian Doll. Rinchians were fragile at birth, and even more so until they hit puberty. Some got enhancements to boost their physical performances, such as the soldier that the sniper had just dispatched.
Several other Rinchian rebels lay scattered in the square, along with the bodies of several Irken soldiers. The squadron had been caught unaware by the raiding group, which had been aiming to hijack their ship, which was hovering right over the market with a gravity beam giving clear access-as usual somebody forgot to put a squad leader in charge of them who had an IQ higher than two digits.
The shooter paused for a moment as his pistol came to rest on the child. The Irken tilted his head, one magenta eye narrowing a bit. Most Irkens would shoot it just for the hell of it...
But instead when he pulled the trigger it flew right over the shoulder of the frightened alien child and blew through the heart of the last Rinchian Rebel, who had come out of an alley way with a blaster rifle in hand. The child shook, tears pouring down his face as he stared at the Irken before him.
The Irken was of average height, standing just under five feet, and his skin was a darker shade of green that clashed with his bright magenta eyes. His antennae had a thick base that thinned out until they began to bend a bit, angling slightly more downwards than the average Irken's antennae, thickening into a curve before thinning out until they ended in a set of scythe shapes.
He wore a full body suit that consisted of dark shades of colour. A dark purple X shape formed over his upper body, being the only colour besides black and grey on the combat suit. His boots were knee high and each had a sheath for a knife attached to them. His pants were pitch black, but the shirt-long sleeved and turtle necked was one half black, one half gray. His gloves had thin metallic plates in them for extra force in his punches. He wore a dark green poncho over his suit as a modest form of camouflage.
"Count yourself lucky today kiddo," The Irken said, taking out a lollipop and popping it into his mouth. Sucking on the cherry flavoured snack, the Irken continued. "I don't have the heart in me to shoot down a bed wetter."
The boy bowed his head in shame ,looking at his soiled trousers.
The Irken chuckled. "Kids these days." He turned, sliding his blaster pistol-which was a rather small pistol, equivalent to a pocket sized pistol into a holster under his right arm.
As the Irken began to leave, several Irken soldiers rushed into the plaza and stopped as they saw the bodies.
"Aw man, the fighting is over?" One whined.
"You!" The Squad Leader pointed at the Magenta Eyed Irken. "What happened?"
The Magenta Irken paused, feigning the act of trying to think. "Well officer, it looks like there was one hell of a fire fight in Renza Market. Bunch of your boys were on patrol and got hit by the Rinchian Bandits." He shrugged. "If somebody was dumb enough to send one patrol here after a week of Rinchian raids they might as well have had it coming though."
"These are Irken lives that were lost!" One soldier snapped. "Show respect you drone!"
The Magenta Eyed Irken paused in mid step, and slowly turned. "You do not want to say that again, short stuff."
The soldier hissed, burning with fury at this insolent drone of whatever the dookie he was! He snapped his rifle up, and the Irken moved, lurching to avoid it. The soldier smirked and adjusted his aim to compensate, squeezing the trigger and letting off three shots. But by then the Magenta Eyed Irken had moved once more...in the opposite direction, having feigned his evasion and drawing the soldier's fire off of him for the two seconds he needed to take up his pocket pistol, raise it, and fire a single laser through the soldier's chest and out the back of his PAK.
The soldier fell without a sound, dead. The rest of the squad-which had spread out to investigate the bodies spun, snapping their own weapons up. The Magenta eyed Irken raised is hands over hsi head.
"Whoa now fellas, it was self defence!"
"You murdered an Irken soldier! That is punishable by death no matter what the justification is!" The Squad Leader growled.
"Oh, but I do have my 'Get out of Execution' free pass." The Irken slowly set his gun down on the ground and reached under his poncho. He produced an I.D screen.
The Squad Leader snatched it out of his hand and read over it as three of his underlings surrounded the killer.
Irken 924042480243-ZZY66 Generation 7823445, Batch Pod 84
Identification: Lok
Employment: Classified
Height: 4'8
Security Access Level: Control 7 Code Access
(Reference: Control 7 refers to the authority of the Control Brains, being advisors to the Tallests and maintainers of Irken society. Irkens with this level are given the political immunity and rights of travel a Control Brain possesses in the event of wishing a transfer.)
Status: Classified Knowledge, but he is to be given courtesy treatment of an officer of his height.
Setting aside the I.D Screen and choosing to forget about everything that came after Status, he sighed. "Diplomatic immunity at Control 7 Code boys, let him go."
The soldiers lowered their rifles.
"You're free to go then, sorry for the trouble," The Squad Leader handed the I.D Screen back to the Magenta Eyed Irken. "Irken Lok."
Lok smiled smoothly. "Oh it's quite alright Sergeant, you were doing as your job told you to do." He pocketed the I.D Screen. "Now if you'll excuse me sir, I have a job to do." Lok left the market.
"Uh...sarge?" An Irken examining the corpses of the Rinchian bandits spoke up. "These blast wounds...they aren't from an assault blaster or any combat laser...they were from something smaller, like a pocket gun or something."
"Who the hell would use..." The Sergeant looked at his dead subordinate...who had a small hole in his chest like the Rinchians did. "A tiny little..." He glanced in the direction Lok had gone. "Pocket Gun..."
The Irken squadron stood there for several more moments before they continued their work.
Xxx
Lok returned to the Space Port and entered the hangar where his cruiser lay. The Cruiser was an average size, used for housing an Invader and his support crew. He stood in the Decontamination Chamber, stripped to his underwear-he knew it was a bad day to wear the ones with the PAKs on them.
"Decontamination completed," A male voice chuckled. "And nice undies, Captain."
"Oh shut up." Lok got into his clothes and left the chamber, coming out into a room where a green eyed Irken was manning the controls. "So did you break anything while was gone Loe?"
"Oh you insult me, I'm the one who fixes everything that Kay breaks." Loe, who was shorter than Lok by five inches replied. "Speaking of she broke your Waffle Iron, so I locked her in her room."
Lok sighed. "Well, no waffles for Lokkie tonight then."
"On the bright side, the ship is operating smoothly and we'll be able to contact the Tallest in just a few minutes." Loe smiled. "So you might want to get to your quarters, they might be calling as we speak if the work I did on the Communications Array improved our performance even more."
"Oh, gee, now I get to talk to the Almighty Whiniest more often." Lok glared at his System's Operator. "Get Kay back to the helm, I on't trust letting Larry plot this rig."
"I take offense to that." A computerized version of an Irken voice said over the intercom. "I have successfully piloted 93342 flights."
"And AIs your age pilots at least a million successful flights instead of crashing nine out of ten of them in some vain attempt to commit suicide." Lok pointed out as he left the Decontamination Chamber. "Kay at least keeps us in one piece, so she drives when I'm not driving."
Larry the AI sighed. "Aw fine, jerk face. Her door is unlocked now."
Just as Lok reached the door to his quarters he heard a high pitched wail and was tackled by a pink blur.
"LOK! OHMYGOSHLARRYWASBEINGMEANTOME!" Kay, a tiny pink eyed Irken who had the best piloting skills Lok had ever seen wailed as she buried her face into his chest. "He wouldn't let me leave my room! I was so bored!"
Lok sighed and patted her on the back. "Kay, want to fly the ship soem more?"
"WOO HOO!" Kay suddenly released him and proper herself up on her spider Legs. "Can I fly us through a sun again?"
"Uh...that makes t hard for my calls to go through, can't you just bounce us off a Hyper Nova or two again?" Lok asked nervously.
"Aw..." Kay slumped. "Fine." She moved off towards the bridge.
Lok sighed in relief and entered his room. Tossing aside the ragged poncho, he walked to the center of the circular room and stood on a red circle. "Hunter Lok, opening roadcast to Tallest Red and Tallest Purple."
"Voice access denied." Larry said dryly.
Lok sighed. "Larry, we've been over this, stop messing with my Audio I.D scanners."
"I didn't, but Loe did." Larry pointed out.
"...just patch me through to the Massive for the love of Irk." Lok growled, clawed hands curling into fists as he shook with a burning rage.
"Transmission broadcasting." Larry yawned.
Tallest Red and Tallest Purple appeared as holographic images before Lok, tinged blue and bathing the dimly lt room in their glow. Red yawned. "Yeah, yeah, go ahead, what is it?"
"Hunter Lok reporting, my Tallest." Lok said. "The Rinchian Raid on the Frigate that stopped for repairs above the Renza Market on Tolra III has been stopped and the rebels suffered one hundred percent casualties."
"Ah, excellent," Red said. "So that means you have time for this next little case we have set aside, just for you, our favourite Hunter."
Lok stared at Red for several moments. "I'm your ONLY Hunter."
"Don't make me order Larry to toss you out the air lock."
"Odds are he'll accidently toss Loe or Kay...so good point."
"Anyways," Red cleared his throat. "The mission!"
"It's important, it's worth all the snacks on our ship!" Purple proclaimed.
"I told you, no more cake shopping, we settled that in my contract."
"Aw..." Both Tallest slumped.
"Fine then, just take this job then," Red scowled as he transferred the data to Lok. "Recently ,several chief scientists, both Irken and conquered have been vanishing all over the galaxy, collected by groups of what look like Elite Irken Guards. There was also a break in at the Smeet Production Facility, and several strands of DNA and data files containing the basic information how on the process of Smeet Creation works was stolen. This has led us to believe that there is somebody out there using our cloning technology for their own purposes! And they might be using our superior Irken DNA to do it!"
"Yeah! That's our DNA damn it!" Purple yelled through a mouth filled with pop corn. "Where do those lazy free loaders get off stealing our stuff?"
"So you are to follow our only lead on this heinous crime against Irken kind." Red stated. "We have managed to track one group of these soldiers to a planet far beyond explored space in this galaxy. It is a horrific place with tall yet extremely stupid aliens who eat wet meat and bathe in acid!"
Lok gulped.
"It i is where we have banished our most hated members of the species." Red continued. "You shall go to...the planet known as..." He paused. "What was it again?"
"Earth." Purple said plainly.
"EARTH!" Red shouted.
"...that sounds like Planet 'Dirt'." Lok stated. "But then again we already have one called that so..."
"Indeed! We have banished Zim there as punishment for his crimes. He thinks he is assigned to invade the planet, but we're waiting for him to stop returning our calls. We want you to go to Earth and investigate for signs of new Irken technology or the presence of off world factions." Purple declared. "Oh, and if you grab any Klondike bars then remember to bring me one back, Zim said all of the humans love it! They'd do ANYTHING to get one!"
"Uh...yes My Tallest," Lok bowed his head. "I shall not fail."
"Good! Your payment for the job you just finished has been received, and you'll get the one for your current job afterwards." Red nodded. "Tallest Red and Purple out- hey, somebody's making donuts!"
The two Tallest cheered ,waving their arms around like children as they ran off screen.
Lok stared at the screen as he heard the sound of munching. "These are the great leaders of my society...I give us til next month if they break the Massive."
"We heard that! Don't push your luck!" Red shouted. "Nomnomnomnom! Move it now!"
As the images vanished, Lok sighed. "I hate my life so much right now."
But a few seconds later the image of Tallest Purple, looking like he was trying to secretly nibble on his donut appeared. "Uh...one last thing I need to tell you." He looked around, becoming serious. "I have a reason to believe that this was an inside job, defective irken with training and resources. I couldn't trust ANYBODY with this aside from you since...well you'll do anything for all the money and al...and they also stole my teddy."
"Teddy?" Lok raised one eye brow.
"I WAS GONNA GIVE HIM A NEW EYE!" Purple wailed, but composed himself a second later. "Track them down, and get me my teddy back!...oh, yeah and eliminate them for attempting to defile our superior DNA...and again, grab me a Klondike bar, those things sound good!...and if you kill Zim I'll pay you extra."
"Do I have to go near him? I hear he has a habit of making IQs drop by proximity." Lok groaned.
"Ah you don't have to, it's optional." Purple said. "Here's your list, Tallest Purple out!"
As Purple vanished, Lok looked at a list of names.
"Ok...Zm, Skoodge, Skullene, Grimrair, Hellion, Envon, Paneece, Fey, Tak, Tenn-heh, never saw that coming..." Lok paused. "Ok...these are all the Irkens the tallest personally don't like...Larry, disregard this list from my tactical data."
"Whatever you say boss," Larry said. "...does the Tallest really have a teddy?"
"Heh, better than that moose phase he was on a decade ago." Lok shrugged.
"Oh, and while we're standing here like tools...your business partner has been banging on the bay door all morning since you got back." Larry added.
"You mean-you mean?" Lok stuttered.
"Yep...Skloo." Larry replied.
Xxx
"LOK! OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR! I'LL RIP YOUR ANTENNAE OFF AND SHOVE THE MSO FAR DOWN YOUR SQUEEDLYSPLOOCH YOU'LL EXPLODE!" A rather angry, red eyed, and fat Irken growled as he banged on the side of the Cruiser, accompanied by several guards.
"Uh...you know you could have just hit the door bell, right? The hull makes it impossible to even hear your fat, bloated hooves for hands." The seven Irkens turned and saw Lok, Loe, and Kay coming down a ramp that extended out of the Cruiser.
"You owe me five million monies Lok! FIVE MILLION!" Skloo roared.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm well aware of my debt to you, but give me a break. I had to par kin the Massive of all the places and they have the best scanners in the universe! They'd have picked up that illegal sugar in seconds." Lok said. "As much as I love doing business with you Skloo, I won't risk my neck, even for you."
"Pay me back Lok, or I'll make sure that where ever you go, there'll be a muscle man around the next corner ready to pop your eyes out with their bare hands." Skloo growled.
"Relax Skloo," Lok said gently. "I just got myself a nice little job, and when I'm done I'll be able to pay you back, plus a little extra to show there's no hard feelings. I just need a couple more solar cycles."
Skloo paused. "Well when you put it that way Lok, I guess I can find the strength to be a bt more patent."
"Say...extra twenty percent if you keep your boys away from me until I'm done?" Lok asked.
"Fine. But know this, if I don't have that money in five solar Cycles, there'll be a price so high on your head that you won't even be able to hide on FoodCourtia in the middle of a foodening!" Skloo threatened.
"Skloo, you are a wonderful man of business and can appreciate your position. As soon as my ship is ready I'll take off and get the job done and have that money back to you in three solar cycles." Lok said.
Skloo grunted. "Let's go." He began to walk away. "And just so you know Lok, of all the bounty hunters on my list to come after you, one Invader Dest will be at the top of it."
Lok felt his emotional barrier crack a bit as he heard the infamous name of legend. "I see..."
"n fact he's standing right behind you."
Lok spun around ,as did Loe and Kay and they came face to face with a tall Irken clad in black from head to toe, staring at them through a red visor that hid his eyes.
"Whoa!" Kay said, and after a few seconds pointed at Dest. "How'd you do that?"
"He doesn't talk too much." Skloo added.
Dest looked at the three Irkens before him. He then put one hand on his helmet and tapped a switch. Suddenly they heard a filtered voice. "Nothing personal, all good business, like you said."
Lok nodded, resisting the urge to do what any reasonable Irken who did not outnumber his enemy should do: Run away and scream for their Cold Unfeeling Robot Arm. "Right then, as long as I make good on my word we won't have any trouble Mr Dest. An honour to meet you by the way."
Dest walked by them without a word.
Loe looked at Lok. "You just about wet yourself, didn't you?"
"Yes I did." Lok said in the same cheery voice. As Skloo, now feeling smug left the bay with his now laughing cohorts and Dest, Lok shuddered. "If I don't get that money I'll be wishing I remained with Sizz-Lor back on FoodCourtia!"
"Wait," Kay looked up. "You were a food drone?"
"Yeah, up until Tallest Purple saw me kill a Vortian with my bare hands...which I used to rp the guy's horns off and gouge his eyes out." Lok coughed. "But Dest is way worse than I could ever be, we have to get paid and fast!"
"Well let's get going ,the ship will be fuelled in a few seconds." Loe said urgently. "If they go after you, they'll go after me for sure! And I like me! I like me being me which means me has to be alive so me can be me, which is a good thing because again, I like me."
Kay made a confused face. "Huh? Who? Moosey?"
"Precisely!" Lok said. "And just like how Loe is a coward, I like to lean towards the option of a tactical retreat...ninety percent of the time, the other ten percent being now when I have to bargain with my enemy."
"So you mean run and hide?" asked Kay.
"Precisely!" Lok said with a smile. "See Kay, you're learning a new thing everyday."
"I already knew you were a coward though," Kay tilted her head in confusion.
"Maybe she learns too fast." Loe muttered.
"Indeed." Lok grumbled as the trio of defectives climbed into the Cruiser, the Para-Hunter.
Xxx
Meanwhile, many light years away...
"And that, my fellow Swollen Eye Balls is proof enough that not only is Zm an alien, but he is responsible for the mutant alien babies being made in England." Dib finished his speech.
"Hm...well unlike your 'Zim Rants' this one has some physical evidence to back it up." Agent Dark Booty noted.
"It still seems incredibly unlikely." Agent Decapitated Head grumbled as he looked over the notes.
"Now now, Agent Decapitated Head," Agent Tuna Ghost spoke up. "I know Agent Mothman's rants can be annoying, but when you bring in credible proof, we have to investigate it. And besides, you thought ghost tuna were unlikely and...oh right," She smirked and tapped her name tag. "Yo."
"Mothman, we'll dispatch a specialist from our Scottish Branch, this is one of our best field operatives and should be able to successfully ascertain the existence of these 'Mutant Aliens.'" Dark Booty said. "And the best part is that they've never heard of you, so you can rest assured they won't just drop it and say they tried like Agent Raw Head tried to do with that nest of Vampire Weasels in Texas ."
"What happened to Agent Raw Head after that anyways?" Dib asked.
"Oh we took care of him," Agent Dark Booty's eyes narrowed. "Yes we did...yes we did."
Dib was left staring at the half dozen Eye Ball members who were sitting before him. He coughed awkwardly and picked up his case. "Uh...if you don't mind I'd like to schedule a flight to England for myself also. I've worked in the field since I joined and before then so..." Upon seeing he was losing their interest again he made up something off the top of his head...his very VERY big head. "Oh, and if we run into trouble my...uh...enormous head can distract anybody who catches us."
"Well it IS a very big head." Agent Tuna Ghost raised one eye brow.
"And it got me into the Eye Balls!" Agent Big Head said proudly. "By the way, sorry about the painful experiments."
"Uh...it's okay, the burns healed after a week." Dib said hesitantly. "So can you pay for my flight?"
"Very well, you leave in three days." Dark Booty said. "Agent Nessie, will you make sure that Operative Ghost Slinger meets with Agent Mothman?"
Nessie sighed. "Fine, I'm on it, but if this is a waste of time I'll let Slinger kick your big head all over the planet if this is fake like that Ninja Ghost in your toilet."
"I'm telling you, that was real!" Dib shouted.
"Yes, yes, now go get ready, ta-ta Mothman." Suddenly Dib was being pulled up by a vacuum coming out of a tube in the ceiling.
Dib yelped as his head was caught in it. "Oh come on!"
"Sorry, we had that personally fitted to be teenager sized, I guess we should just get you an adult sized one." Dark Booty said as dib tried to wiggle his head free. "Uh...hold on."
The Agent, still cloaked in shadows with only his eyes-hidden by red sun glasses visible began to jab Dib with the end of a broom until Dib was sucked up into the tube with a cry of surprise.
"Ah, so where were we?" Dar booty sat down.
"You just lost your pants," Tuna ghost pointed out to Dark Booty, who had no shirt, gloves, or shoes on.
"Oh bollocks." Dark Booty added his pants to the pile of clothes on the table. "Why did we agree to this again?"
"Maybe you hoped you'd get to see Tuna Ghost and Fairy naked by the end of it." Decapitated Head grumbled, now reduced to his briefs and one sock.
Fairy and Tuna Ghost had yet to lose more than their jackets and shoes while the rest of the players were suffering horribly.
"Alright then boys, I guess I'll go ahead and bet my skirt on this one." Fairy smirked evilly.
"I'm in!" Decapitated Head, Nessie, and Agent Onryo said at once.
"Keep it up Ony, Fairy just wants to get a good look at every part of you before she goes on the hunt." Tuna Ghost teased Fairy. "If you get what I mean of course."
Fairy glared at her friend as Onryo, who now only wore his pants leaned forward into the light, revealing a man in his early twenties. Onryo was from Japan, ergo why he had chosen to research Japanese demons as his first mission. After finding an Onryo-a spirit driven by vengeance back into the material world for unjustified murder against people who had not even wronged it, he had to endure a night of exorcising it and avoiding getting his head ripped off in the process.
Needless to say this made him well respected in the Swollen Eye Balls, and his appearance wasn't too bad.
"Is that supposed to mean something," Onryo asked, one eye brow raised. "Agent Tuna Ghost?"
Fairy squeaked and hid in the shadows.
If it was allowed, Tuna Ghost would get Fairy's name changed to Agent Stalker...or Agent Fan Girl.
Until then her thoughts were on this Agent Ghost Slinger and how this person was to help Agent Mothman find proof of Alien Mutants...which were surprisingly the most believable thing Mothman had ever brought to the Eye Balls.
Xxx
"Seriously though...Dirt?"
Lok sighed. "No Kay, it is called Earth, which essentially means dirt if you get down to the facts."
"Don't we already have a planet called dirt?" The tiny, petite, pink eyed helmsman looked up at him with her big, cute eyes.
"Yes, we do, like I said. We have one named Dirt, they have one called Earth, Terra, whatever." Lok sighed.
"But how can two planets be the same?" Kay continued to ask about the whole concept of two planets being called 'dirt'.
"...Larry, deploy plan D."
"On it." Larry didn't use any smart ass tones or remarks.
"Plan D?" Kay asked.
"Look at the screen, it will show you." Lok shrugged. "But n the mean time, transfer controls to me, I'll fly us there myself."
"Okay!" Kay happily complied and stared at a screen that came out of the ceiling. It only showed static to her. "I don't see anything."
"Just wait for it a bit," Lok said.
"Okay," Kay shrugged.
She kept staring at the screen for one minute, then ten minutes, then thirty minutes.
Finally, Loe looked over at Lok from where he was reading PlayIrken and said. "Clever."
Lok nodded and gestured for Loe to be silent. He pointed at Kay, who was still entranced by the mystic power of the screen. She was drooling a bit, her pink eyes dilated as she focused n the static.
Loe smiled. "This trip just got better."
Xxx
End of chapter