TOMB RAIDER: CHRONICLES - The Absurd Truth
storyline discovered by Triangular Circle
Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me. NONE of it. Not even the storyline! Because it's real. Waha.
chapter one - candy canes and doppelganger bones
Rain poured down from an old, rickety sky. Jeevo, a butler, was leaving a candy cane at the statue of his late mistress, Lara Croft. Lightning illuminated the dark grey clouds (well, at least Jeevo thought it was lighting. In reality it was a disaster at the nearby nuclear powerplant). After a quick rememberance of Ms. Croft, the heartweary old doozer rabidly chased a nearby couple away from the statue. He was very posessive, you see. He did not let anyone get near Lara. Even if she was not really Lara.
There was quite an interesting story behind the statue. A very long time ago, Lara had journeyed to a remote temple, whereupon she had singlehandedly found the statue of Midas. The legendary hand of Midas, which had crumbled to the floor and was said to turn anything that touched it into bronze, was required for her to unlock a special door which would eventually lead her to another artifact, called the Scion. Lara had no problems with the stone hand, utilizing it to turn three lead bars into bronze.
However, a feind by the name of Pierre had constructed a lifesize model of Lara and had lowered it onto the hand of Midas. After phoning Jeevo and speaking of how poor Lara had supposedly fallen onto the hand of Midas and was now a bronze statue, he ran off snickering to who-knows-where.
Poor traumatized Jeevo had immediately rushed himself and Father Patrick (whom Lara had known from her childhood) off to the hand of Midas, where the two found "Lara", turned to solid metal. They had then shipped the statue to a graveyard in Surrey near the Croft Estate. That statue stood before Jeevo at this very moment. He thought his beloved Lara was dead, and had left some candy canes for her spirit. Right.
"Get in the car, y'ol windbag!"
Jeevo turned around to see Father Patrick hanging out of his limo's window, holding a humanlike legbone as if it were a lethal weapon. "Right now," Patrick called again dangerously. He scratched a gnat off of his head. Sullenly Jeevo obeyed, entering the limo and sitting down next to the young preist.
"She's gone, yanno," Patrick slurred out in a western accent. "An' she ain't comin' back. Once someone's intestines get turned to metal, they're a goner for sure."
"Father Patrick," Jeevo began to ask in his deep, hoarse voice. "I am simply remembering and honoring Ms. Croft's soul. Is there anything you find wrong with that?"
"Wrong?!" Patrick cackled, "Yeah I find somethin' wrong with that! The very fact that we humans ain't got no 'souls'! All we do is lay in the ground and rot, once we kick the bucket."
Jeevo stared at him, wondering what an unreligious man such as Father Patrick had to go about in the quest to become a preist. Patrick had explained it all to him before, but poor senile Jeevo had no memory of the past. Except for Lara Croft, of course.
On the drive to the Croft Estate, Patrick began to babble about how mislead Werner Von Croy was.
"That ol' goat thinks Lara's under the Great Pyramid!" he chortled. "Who could ever a' thought o' that one 'sides Von Croy, eh Jeevo? Wouldn't be s'prised if he ended up gettin' stuck down there himself. Never did have much of a brain." He took a bite out of the legbone he was still holding, when Jeevo noticed where it was from.
"Isn't that the femur of the prize doppelganger I brought home from Atlantis?" he asked feebly. Patrick laughed uproariously, then became quiet and said, "Yes. Yes it is." Jeevo noted the dangerous quality in his voice and became silent. The remainder of the car ride passed without much interference, if you don't count the wrecked towtruck they passed in the one-lane street.
storyline discovered by Triangular Circle
Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me. NONE of it. Not even the storyline! Because it's real. Waha.
chapter one - candy canes and doppelganger bones
Rain poured down from an old, rickety sky. Jeevo, a butler, was leaving a candy cane at the statue of his late mistress, Lara Croft. Lightning illuminated the dark grey clouds (well, at least Jeevo thought it was lighting. In reality it was a disaster at the nearby nuclear powerplant). After a quick rememberance of Ms. Croft, the heartweary old doozer rabidly chased a nearby couple away from the statue. He was very posessive, you see. He did not let anyone get near Lara. Even if she was not really Lara.
There was quite an interesting story behind the statue. A very long time ago, Lara had journeyed to a remote temple, whereupon she had singlehandedly found the statue of Midas. The legendary hand of Midas, which had crumbled to the floor and was said to turn anything that touched it into bronze, was required for her to unlock a special door which would eventually lead her to another artifact, called the Scion. Lara had no problems with the stone hand, utilizing it to turn three lead bars into bronze.
However, a feind by the name of Pierre had constructed a lifesize model of Lara and had lowered it onto the hand of Midas. After phoning Jeevo and speaking of how poor Lara had supposedly fallen onto the hand of Midas and was now a bronze statue, he ran off snickering to who-knows-where.
Poor traumatized Jeevo had immediately rushed himself and Father Patrick (whom Lara had known from her childhood) off to the hand of Midas, where the two found "Lara", turned to solid metal. They had then shipped the statue to a graveyard in Surrey near the Croft Estate. That statue stood before Jeevo at this very moment. He thought his beloved Lara was dead, and had left some candy canes for her spirit. Right.
"Get in the car, y'ol windbag!"
Jeevo turned around to see Father Patrick hanging out of his limo's window, holding a humanlike legbone as if it were a lethal weapon. "Right now," Patrick called again dangerously. He scratched a gnat off of his head. Sullenly Jeevo obeyed, entering the limo and sitting down next to the young preist.
"She's gone, yanno," Patrick slurred out in a western accent. "An' she ain't comin' back. Once someone's intestines get turned to metal, they're a goner for sure."
"Father Patrick," Jeevo began to ask in his deep, hoarse voice. "I am simply remembering and honoring Ms. Croft's soul. Is there anything you find wrong with that?"
"Wrong?!" Patrick cackled, "Yeah I find somethin' wrong with that! The very fact that we humans ain't got no 'souls'! All we do is lay in the ground and rot, once we kick the bucket."
Jeevo stared at him, wondering what an unreligious man such as Father Patrick had to go about in the quest to become a preist. Patrick had explained it all to him before, but poor senile Jeevo had no memory of the past. Except for Lara Croft, of course.
On the drive to the Croft Estate, Patrick began to babble about how mislead Werner Von Croy was.
"That ol' goat thinks Lara's under the Great Pyramid!" he chortled. "Who could ever a' thought o' that one 'sides Von Croy, eh Jeevo? Wouldn't be s'prised if he ended up gettin' stuck down there himself. Never did have much of a brain." He took a bite out of the legbone he was still holding, when Jeevo noticed where it was from.
"Isn't that the femur of the prize doppelganger I brought home from Atlantis?" he asked feebly. Patrick laughed uproariously, then became quiet and said, "Yes. Yes it is." Jeevo noted the dangerous quality in his voice and became silent. The remainder of the car ride passed without much interference, if you don't count the wrecked towtruck they passed in the one-lane street.