Think about it, Chumpstain! by Dizzle the Lord of Superstars
Disclaimer: I own nothing, and this is not linked to any of my other stories. However, this is a statement that I feel needs to be said.
Rating: T
Summary: Edge defends Lita's honor to a teenage fanboy while shopping around for sunglasses with Hawkins and Ryder. Casual one-shot. Small hints of Edge/Lita flame. Set a few weeks after One Night Stand.
"Hey, I remember seeing a Lids shop around here," Curt stated. He and his partner Zack were currently having a blast right now, just walking around a mall on either side of their favorite Rated-R Hero and Superstar, their leader and mentor, WWE's World Heavyweight Champion Edge.
"Lids? What are you talking about?" Edge questioned.
"The one with the caps and sunglasses, remember?" Zack reminded him.
"Oh! Oh, yeah, now I remember," Edge said, mentally knocking himself for forgetting. "But seriously, you guys. You don't have to get me new sunglasses. I have plenty enough of my own."
"Oh, we know," Zack stated, much to his surprise. "We're not just getting you sunglasses. These are for us, too. We're trying to see if we can find three cool matching pairs in there so that we could all come down to the ring with the same sunglasses one day." Somehow, Edge found this ridiculous enough to cause him to come to a complete stop. Noticing that the elder man wasn't walking with them anymore a few seconds later, the Rated-R Entourage turned back to see the incredulous expression on his face.
"Seriously. Matching shades?" Edge asked, questioning how this went into their better judgment as it relates to what they came to do in the first place. "I thought the whole point of this trip was to get you guys stuff that would make you not look so much like me."
"Yeah, that's the general idea, but we still gotta wear some matching stuff to show some solidarity with you, ya know?" Curt pointed out. Seeing himself outnumbered by Curt and Zack, Edge looked up to the ceiling, took a deep breath, and gave in, nodding to the two youngsters and saying 'okay'. Now, he could've easily tried to influence them into foregoing this ridiculous quest. But, they had proven their loyalty to him enough to deserve to be called not just his protégés, but his friends - and that included joining them in these kinds of hare-brained adventures. So, he walked on with Curt and Zack, until they found that Lids place, and they went in to immediately take a look at the shades, Zack being the most admiring of some of the material while Edge and Curt were both more reserved. Then Zack noticed a pair of sunglasses with a bit of a familiar look he'd remembered seeing on Edge before. Specifically, they were oval-shaped, very dark, and red-framed.
"Hey, guys," Zack called, taking them off the counter and showing them off. "These look a little familiar?" Edge looked at them and remembered shades like that being in his collection, but he wanted to test Zack's knowledge a little, so he toyed with him.
"No, I don't think so," he said, while walking up to the more hyper of the two former Major Brothers that were now his Entourage. He wasn't exactly lying, though. These shades, as he looked at them, clearly were not of the same kind as the ones he'd worn, as there was a little gray somewhere on the frame and the shape was a little rounder than his own. But the general idea was probably the main thing Zack was concerned with.
"Red frame, real dark, oval round-ish shape… that's gotta be like the last ones you wore to the ring before you cut your hair after you got with Lita, right?" Zack guessed. Impressed with his Edge-knowledge, the Rated-R Superstar nodded.
"Wow, I'm actually a little impressed. You even remember what shades I used to wrestle in at the time. I thought for sure that me being with Vickie would keep you from learning everything you could about when I was with Lita, but I guess I'm mistaken," Edge semi-lied. Truth be told, he did expect the looming presence of his relationship with Vickie to have some effect on what they did or didn't look at, but he wasn't entirely being truthful when he said he thought her presence would make them hold back what they picked up on.
"I was the one that pointed out those cool ass sunglasses when we were watching some of those tapes," Curt cut in, quickly plugging himself for extra favor in Edge's eyes.
"Yeah, right," Zack countered, trying to shoot him off.
"You know you wouldn't have got it if it wasn't for me," Curt argued back at him.
"Guys, bros, calm down!" Edge immediately shot, getting between them and putting a stop to this before it became a heated debate.
"Sorry, Edge," Zack apologized after a brief pause, to which Edge replied by saying that's okay.
"Hey, man, I just noticed something. You never told us any o' those old stories about back when you were with Lita. We wanna know about that. That's when you were at your coolest," Curt pointed out to Edge, praising his point of high time. Edge looked at Curt and smiled, secretly agreeing with him completely despite the fact that he was now with Vickie.
"Wait, I think he actually did tell us a couple of those," Zack interjected.
"No, wait, those were from back when I was tagging it up with Christian and owning both of the Hardy Boyz," Edge corrected him. "Now, as for old stories about me and Lita… that's kind of a difficult subject, because at any time I talk about it, I could either be angering Vickie if she overhears me talking about my ex, or I could be walking right into some immature insult from little cock-sucking pricks who think listening to Cena's jokes and Matt Hardy's pathetic cyberspace cries makes them men." Just as he was explaining that, however, some random kid, who looked to be about 15, was walking by the store and saw Edge with his Entourage, and suddenly got the idea to act tough.
"Hey, Edge!" the kid called, getting Edge and the Rated-R Entourage's attention. "Icky Vickie Guerrero's a fat, ugly bitch! I'd tell you to go back to Lita, but she's a slut too!" Almost instantly (Curt noticed it was specifically after the Lita diss), Edge started breathing heavily, and the ballistic realist was about to pop.
"You stupid prick, you're dead meat!" Edge shouted, trying to go after the kid, only for Curt and Zack to hold him back. The kid, however, was taking the opportunity to laugh at the angry Edge and mock him, basically treating him like a dog.
"Damnit, let me go! I'm gonna teach this punk a lesson in respect!" Edge commanded Curt and Zack while struggling to get free.
"Edge, calm down!" Curt shouted as he and Zack continued holding onto Edge so he didn't kill this guy.
"No way!" Edge objected. "That kid has no respect for my personal life! I'm gonna kill him!"
"Just chill!" both Curt and Zack finally shouted together in Edge's ear, finally getting through to him enough for him to calm down just a bit, coming back to Earth from his sudden fit of feral rage. At that point, they finally let him go. The idiot outside was now rolling on the floor and spitting his sides laughing, not realizing that Edge, while now calm, was still giving him a death glare.
"Stand back, boys," the Rated-R Superstar declared. "I'm about to give this hose beast a little verbal thrashing." With that, he went up to the laughing idiot and simply looked down at him until he finally stopped laughing and opened his eyes, only to end up getting startled by the sight of being towered upon by a frowning Edge.
"Hey numbskull!" Edge shot, scaring the guy into getting right back up with a high pitched scream as he faced him up. "So, uh, let me get this straight. Did I just hear you just call Lita a slut?" he then asked, causing the kid to gulp tentatively before giving his answer.
"Yeah, she's a slut!" he defiantly responded anyway. "Cause she cheated on Matt Hardy to go to you! What, you can't face the truth?"
"Actually, yes. I can face the truth," Edge replied to this fan. "And the truth is, Lita cheated on one man - Matt Hardy - with one other man - me. She left one pathetic crying Angelic Diablo V1, for one true champion and Rated-R Superstar. And don't even count Kane and his demonic angle. You know, when you become old enough to understand manhood and channel your raging hormones correctly, you're probably gonna cheat or have a one night stand multiple times, and you will either fancy yourself a player and a stud or you will think nothing of it." Curt and Zack looked on as they saw that Edge was just straight up embarrassing this guy's self-assured moral highness, and about Lita, too. "Come to think of it, nor would you think anything of it about your girlfriend, assuming you even have one in the next fifteen years, if she suddenly told you she did things behind boyfriends' backs multiple times before she got to you. Yet because Lita left one man for one other man, she's suddenly the world's most terrible slut. Do you have a single iota of a clue what a self-righteous hypocrite you sound like?"
"Uh… you can't even beat the Undertaker without cheating! You're a coward, Edge! You suck!" the fan spewed out, still defiant towards the Ultimate Opportunist, and as far as said Ultimate Opportunist was concerned, still asking for a beating of the mind.
"You wouldn't even have the courage to step into the ring with the Undertaker without pissing your pants. I do. And the fact that I cheat in matches means I'm not afraid to cheat no matter what people think. So really, I'm the brave one, because I spark controversy, and you really picked a terrible change of subject," Edge quickly and effectively countered, putting this angry kid in his place. "Now, seriously, back to the "dreaded topic" that is Lita. And kid, I only have one thing left to say to you about that, and that's this: unless you can tell me how you're destined to become such a perfect saint that you will never make a mistake or disappoint someone or ever do any deviant thing in your entire life, you really shouldn't be calling Lita a slut. Sit down on a bench somewhere and think about that, you prime-cut little dorkchop."
Having no more patience for this dip head, Edge walked out of the store, forgetting that his boys were in there watching as well. A few seconds later, he realized he was walking alone, and he turned back to see both the humiliated and defeated stance of this kid, who was probably never gonna have the courage to openly hate him again after this, and the totally amazed faces of the Rated-R Entourage, Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder.
"Hey, Curt! Zack! Come on already, I think we're done here!" he called to them. Instantly they forgot what they'd first come here for, finding the gift of an Edge hater's humiliation at the hands of the Edgemeister himself to be more than worth not getting the shades they had originally quested for. So they ran out of the store to catch up to him, and it was as he opened the door to exit the mall and get to the parking lot where Edge had parked the trio's ride that they finally were walking alongside him again.
"Dude, I never knew you really still cared about Lita that much," Curt pointed out as they crossed the street to get into the actual parking lot.
"Yeah, man. I thought you'd forgot about her, or at least stopped trying to defend her like that," Zack continued as Edge led the trio to the car, a red convertible Cadillac XLR with the Easy Being Sleazy logo. "Not that it wasn't awesome or anything, cause it was."
"Hold it, Zack," Edge honestly started as he got out his car keys, "You know, come to think of it, when it comes to Lita, sometimes I really don't know what I think." Opening the front car door, he opened up. "The only thing I do know is I'm still convinced that people don't give her the due respect that she deserves." Suddenly, his theme song ring tone started ringing on his cell phone, which he stopped to take out. After looking to see who it was, Edge simply put the phone back in his pocket and sighed.
"Who is it?" Curt asked, though he already had an idea.
"It's Johnny and the Miz," Edge replied, looking and sounding clearly annoyed - as was Curt, who puffed in frustration, a trait he'd taken in from Edge himself over the last few months, and shook his head.
"Do those guys know how to wait?" Zack complained, waiting at the front passenger's door, with Curt beside him waiting to sit in the rear. After a few seconds of waiting for the phone to stop ringing, Edge finally unlocked his door and opened it, a strike of inspiration also opening his mind to an idea at the same time.
"Hey, guys. Since we're on the subject of Lita, while we go over to pick those two guys up, how 'bout I tell you a few of those old Rated-R Couple war stories you were asking about back at the sunglasses shop?" Edge offered Hawkins and Ryder, before unlocking all the other doors.
"Sounds good," Zack easily replied, opening his door.
"Sure thing," Curt agreed, doing the same. The upstart buddies from Long Island were still interested in trying to figure out how their experience around Edge would've been cooler if they'd been around two years quicker. Now was their best chance.
Right afterwards, the three men had each gotten in, closed their doors, and settled in, and Edge started the engine. And soon, Edge, Curt Hawkins, and Zack Ryder were off, as Edge drove to go pick up the WWE Tag Team Champions from somewhere while reciting stories to Hawkins and Ryder about the glorious former days of Edge and Lita, the days where he first became the Rated-R Superstar.