Disclaimer: The persons do not belong to me, but to JKR.
A great thanks to my Beta-reader: Night.
She always gives me good thoughts and ideas.
Story: Remus Lupin is worried about Severus as he does not come to the Halloween party...
Warning: This is a dark-fiction...
And heaven cries...
Today I met Severus around lunch-time .He came creeping through the entrance hall and that was not usual for him. Normally he knows exactly where he wants to go and does it in a hurry. But today he went very slowly. His look seemed somehow cloudy and he didn't seem to see anyone. And as he didn't come to the Halloween party I really started to be worried. So I decided to go down into the dungeons to have a look what was worng. So now I stood in front of his door and did not know what to say when he would open it.
„Something will come into my mind," I thought and knocked.
No answer, so I knocked again.
Nothing.
A very strange feeling crept along my spine. It was Halloween night. Nobody missed the Halloween party at Hogwarts without reason. Outside a heavy autumn storm howled. So he'd hardly be outside.
As Severus still did not open after the third knocking I glanced around. Nobody to see, they were all at the party in the big hall. So I took out my wand and mumbled some spells.
When I came down with Severus the last time, I had luckily enough memorized all the safety spells he used to lock his door. He was a careful man. But with the good hearing I have as a werewolf, I heard every single spell. He hadn't tought of that.
As soon as I had removed the last safety spell I pushed the handle of heavy oak-door down and with a small squeak the door of Severus' office opened.
„Severus?" I looked around. He was not there although the torches burned. So I stepped in and closed the door behind me. Perhaps he was in one of the other rooms. The bathroom door stood open. The room behind it was dark. There Severus wasn't either. Perhaps in the classroom or the laboratory? I went through the door but the classroom was dark and empty. The door to the laboratory was open too. I went in and whispered „Lumos".
The low light which came from my wand was enough to show that something had happened here. The various pots lay on the floor. Most of them were full of dents. A lot of the bottles, in which Severus stored the many potions, were broken and the splinters covered half of the floor. Due to the spilled potions different colourful, shimmering poodles had formed. Some of them even fumed. With my empty hand I hold a cloth over mouth and nose as I didn't know if the fumes were toxic or not. I made some more steps and saw that a few rolls of parchment were drawn out of the shelf and lay on the cold stone floor. Some of them lay slightly burned in the fireplace. I took the one that was not totally destroyed, opened it carefully and saw: It were drawings about the wolfsbanepotion. God knows that he had worked on it again and again to make the formula better and more exact, so that as less side-effects occured than possible. He must have worked on it for weeks, yes even months.
Not far away lay a heavily burned roll of parchment. I took care not to destroy it completely, took it up and put it on a small table that stood near by. As the light of my wand wasn't bright enough to read the remaining words I lit a candle that stood on the table.
On this piece of parchment too I made out Severus' bold handwriting. „The quiet death" I read and a cold shiver ran down my spine. Such things were on his mind? I knew he had always been interested in dark arts, who wasn't? But that he had created and studied such potions – I didn't imagine in my wildest dreams.
I read on: „Experiment 2: Was not a special success. The rat was shaken by uncontrolled cramps and of c..."
„Oh my God," I thought, while I looked through the parchment for readable pages. At the end I saw a date „15th October, the potion is ready. He will be satisfied."
So who would Severus mean by „he"? I put the parchment aside and left the laboratory. Suddenly I remembered again why I was here. Where could Severus be? There was only the bedroom left. So perhaps he was asleep?
Quietly I wen to through his office to the bedroom door. It was closed so I opened it carefully not to make any noise. The bedroom was empty, the bed not even touched. Where the hell could he be? Slowly the very strange feeling which had tormented me the whole evening came up again.
As I passed the desk, I discovered a letter which lay there. Suddenly my heart
started jumping wildly. I sat down at the desk and opened the parchment.
Dear Albus
You will probably be the first one to read this letter. I am very sorry but this is the only way out of this damnful situation I am in. Since last summer I am a death-eater again. This is nothing new as you asked me to take up my „old" position in Voldemorts commando again to give you and the Ministry important information.
But I cannot go on. I cannot stand it anymore. Through the days the bad-tempered but furtheron harmless teacher for potions, about whom they make jokes. And throught the nights the ice-cold killer, a death-eater. I don't know any more how it is to be happy. In my life there is only hate and violence, contempt and death. Sometimes I feel like drowning in a sea of blood and pain.
Lord Voldemort is getting more powerful inspite of all counter-measures and sabotages which I try to make. There is no chance, he is insane. He is fanatic and his followers are getting more and more every day. It is more unlikely than ever that we can do anything against him. Two weeks ago I gave him a potion with which he can kill. It happens so quietly and discreetly that none would notice it if he would kill the person next to him at the table. You would think he had fallen asleep because he drank too much. Voldemort asked for this potion and I had to brew it as a sign of my loyality.
I am an outsider. This I have always been and the actions I do as a death-eater in the name of Lord Voldemort part me even more from the society. I simply cannot go on. I cannot stand it any more.
They force me to kill.
„He is the potion master, he has always been interested in the dark arts. He doesn't mind to kill."
They want me to teach students and tread them nicely.
„He is not able to teach a class. He is not fair to his students. Again a student who is afraid to go to the potions class."
Of course I hear what they are talking about behind my back. Some colleagues don't even try to do it discreetly, so that I don't notice it. Oh, no.
But I am not a machine that only functions. I have feelings like others too. I too am only a human being...
I feel that I have reached my limits. Last night Voldemort commanded me to kill two children. I had no other choice. It was one of these well-known meetings and surrouned by 50 death-eaters, who stood around the both victims in a circle, the dark Lord commanded me to do it. He said it was a treat because I had given him the potion. He thought I would like to kill these two young ones and with a smile I did it.
The whole night I spend on the toilet and cast up again and again. I cannot eat and cannot sleep. I can't go on. I cannot stand it anymore.
Albus, thank you so much for everything you did for me. And I am sorry to have disappointed you. But I feel this is the right decision. I do the world a big favour. Nobody is going to miss me. You will surely soon have found another potionsmaster.
All the best and good-bye
Severus Snape
I rubbed my eyes. I simply couldn't believe what I had read. Severus, a death-eater? A spy against Voldemort? A killer?
He wanted to kill himself. This was very obviously a farewell letter. Now I could also imagine how it had come to the devastation of the laboratory. But where could Severus have gone to?
Suddenly it came to my mind that he had once said he often went up to the tower of astronomy to think. There he must be. The platform was high enough and if he would throw himself down, I don't think there would a lot of him be left. The platform was at the far end of the castle. Nobody would go there for a long time. Only perhaps Hagrid went there sometimes, but very seldom too.
I didn't have any time to loose, perhaps it was already too late. Quickly I left the dungeons and run up the stairs as fast as I could. I had to stop once to get to breath again. Only for a second, long enough to get two, three deep breaths and then I hurried on. After ten minutes I finally reached the tower of astronomy. I had to press my whole weight agains the door, as the storm always pushed it back again.
As I stepped out onto the platform a sharp wind, that howled around the tower, hit me. Instinctively I held on to the railings not to be blown down by the wind. I looked around. It was dark up here but due to my special powers which I had as a werewolf, I was able to see clearly. This side of the plateform was empty. I hoped not to come too late and also, that I didn't have come to the wrong place, as the time really seemd to be limited.
Fighting agains the storm I went over the platform round the tower. There he stood. I had found him. To make sure it wasn't a illusion I blinked my eyes. It really was Severus. He stood at the railings. What should I do? Should I creep up and drag him back from the abyss, or should I attract his attention to me?
Before I could decide he turned around.
His cloak fluttered in the storm and some of his hair covered his face. His black eyes glittered dangerously. In the small light he didn't looks like the teacher of potions I knew. He looked like a demon, a ruler of darkness. He completely was a death-eater out of Voldemorts inner circle. Nothing seemed to be left from the Severus I had known my whole life.
I shivered. The wind howled around the corners. Far away I heard bells ringing.
„Severus?" I whispered and stepped a bit closer.
„Stop!" he hissed in a unknown voice. „Not a step nearer, Lupin!"
He looked around him.
„Severus, please let me help you." I felt my heart beating up to my throat.
„Ha! So why should I need your help?" His voice was cold and full of sarcasm. But this time I did not want to let him stop me. „And above all from you? I don't need any help."
He bent his head and said in a low voice, more to himself: „I have never needed any help..:"
Inside me everything cramped together. How lonely might he be? Only now I realized how lonely he must have felt.
„What do you want up here, Lupin. You should be down in the big hall and celebrate," he said, turned the back towards me and put both hands on the railings as if he didn't want any answer.
Was this the way he was used to being treated? That people simply went away without caring about him or his feelings?
I went to him very quietly so that I could have touched him. Here, near the railings, the storm howled even louder. Dry leafes came flying from the Forbidden Forest and were dancing in the wind.
„I read your letter, Severus," I said softly.
A short, dry laughter came from him. He bent his head and his hair fell into his face. „Great. You go into my office and read everything you get hold of. Really great," he answered silently.
„Sev, please. I really am worried about you."
He snorted. „Since when, ha? Since when does anyone worries about me?" He turned his head and looked at me.
I didn't know what to answer. He was so right. Until now I really didn't worry about him. He always seemed so self-controlled, so cold that I had always thought nothing could hurt him. But now I saw how much I had been wrong.
„Sev, when I saw you in the entrance around lunch-time you looked so strange. And when you didn't come to the party I decided to go and have a look. Then you didn't open the door and I was afraid something had happend to you and I made my way into your office. I saw the destroyed laboratory and I discovered the letter you left there for Albus..."
He closed his eyes and swallowed heavily.
„I know what you must have been through, Severus..." I put my hand on his shoulder.
He shook his head, made two steps away from me and shouted: „No! No, Remus, you don't know. You don't know how it is to kill on command. To torture people until they beg for the death on their knees.! You don't know how it is if someone commands you to kill a child! A child with innocent eyes full of fear as it know it must die. When a friend stands in front of you and knows it is you. And you have to kill him because this is the command. And all this only to show that you are a real Death Eater. To buy the dark Lords trust with innocent blood. Only that the Ministry gets the information. About this, Remus, you don't know anything!" Severus covered his face with his hands and let himself glide down along the wall of the tower.
I was paralyzed with horror. He must have been through horrible states. Severus was right: I couldn't imagine what it really was like to kill people on command. People you know and perhaps even liked. I shivered.
„I can't go on!" he sobbed. „Remus, believe me, I tried but I cannot live on like this."
Cautiously I sat down next to him and took him into my arms. He let it happen and cried. His shoulders shook.
Never I had thought that the day would come I had to comfort Severus. Never. He had always been so hard and unyielding, so proud and unapproachable. In the far I heard a roll of thunder. Shortly afterwads there was the first lightning. We still sat there and let it happen that the suddenly upcoming rain soaked us. Slowly Severus calmed down a little. The sobbing stopped but he still was leaning against me. I looked at him and saw that tears were rolling down his cheeks.
„Thanks, Remus..." he whispered suddenly.
„Thanks? What for?" I said astonished.
Severus really wasn't the type of man who said thanks for anything. This really made me a bit unsure. But when I thought about it... whom should he have said thank you? Never before had anyone cared about him.
„I thank you that you have noticed... that you have looked..." his voice broke and I felt a shiver run through his body.
This tore at my heart. I couldn't answer and closed my eyes for a second. This couldn't be true, I must have been caught in a nightmare. It seemed so unreal.
Then I realized that Severus got up. I opened my eyes and saw that he went towards the railings. He lifted his head and let the rain wash away his tears. Slowly he lifted his arms as if he asked heaven to forgive him.
A cold shiver run down my spine.
For a while he stood there as if he had forgotten that he wasn't alone. Then he put down his arms and turned around. His eyes showed an endless pain and sadness.
„Did you ever think about it, what you would change in your life, if you had the chance?" he asked.
„No," I answered. „sometimes I think what would have happened if I hadn't been in the forest that night and if the werewolf hadn't got hold of me. I asked myself what a life I would have had."
„I whish", Severus said, „I could turn back time. To undo things I have done." He closed his eyes and probably tried to get rid of the horrible toughts which tortured him.
„As a matter of fact this is not in our power. What has happened, has happened."
He smiled a sad little smile.
„All I wanted was to be happy. Perhaps to know a few people who liked me, who cared. And if it had only been one person. To have been loved because of me. I would have done everything for that, given everything. But for a person like me there doesn't seem to be a place in this world."
He put his hand over his face and as he liftet his head again and stared at the wall somewhere behind me, I was sure to see fresh tears glittering on his face.
„Banished in a cold and wet dungeon, far away from the other teachers I lived a large part of my life. When I went down after the dinner in the evening I knew nobody would hold be back. Nobody would come and asked me to drink a glas of wine with him. Nobody would come to my dungeon to spend the evening with me. A few times I tried it. I wanted to sit down with the other teachers in the salon and talk, but I soon realized that I wasn't welcome."
He turned back and went a few steps... then he murmured: „I simply can't go on, Remus."
„Sev, that is not true. You are strong. You are the strongest of us all. We always have looked up to you and where other gave up you went on and on until you where there where you wanted to be."
Severus shook his head.
„No, Remus. My energy is down. I... I always watched you, when I feld unnoticed. I mean you, James, Sirius, Peter and Lily. I wanted so much to be with you. But it shouldn't be."
„Sev, I..."
„No, Remus. I tried, but I can't go on and I don't wan't to live like that anymore."
Severus turned and took something out of his cloak. My body shook in horror. I jumped to my feet and saw that he held a small little phiole with a black liquid in his shaking hands and put it to his lips. With a jump I was beside him and dragged the phiole from his hands. But too late – it was almost empty. In horror I stared at it in my hand and then I looked up.
„Sev, why?"
„I am sorry..." he whispered and like in slowmotion he fell on his knees.
Before he hit the ground I took him in my arms and put him softly on the floor.
„Damned, Severus!"
All colour seemed to vanish from his face and he began to shake.
„Severus, why... why did you do that?" I asked in a low voice.
„I... I" The cough shook him and he weakened very quickly. But Severus still seemed to fight against to potion.
„Remus, if only.... it would have been different... that time", again the cough stopped him.
„Sschh Severus, don't speak", I said.
„I am going to die Remus and nothing can change it... Did you know.. that I always loved to sing?"
I shook my head and run my fingers over his hair.
Then he softly began to sing. It was a Gospel song. I couldn't believe he still sang but yes he did, and his voice was beautiful.
„...and when my world was shattered, and it seems all hope is gone, then I will praise you lord..." A cough stopped the song and there was some blood on his lips.
I took out a hanky and whiped the blood away.
„Sev, everything is going to be all right. It will be beautiful where you are going to. Nobody is gonna hurt you."
„I will go to hell, Remus. God will not want me..."
His bitter words shocked me. But whatever horrible things he might have done, he had always stood on the right side. Never he had felt luck and friendship. And now...
„Remus, don't look like that. It isn't that you are going to... to lose a friend." Severus said mockingly.
„Who knows, Severus, if it would have been different that days, we could have been friends."
He closed his eyes and nodded. I clearly felt how he weakened and how death came creeping up to him.
He did not seem to notice me any more. But I held him in my arms furthermore, he shouldn't die all alone. I wanted that he felt someone being there for him in his last minutes. Someone who looked after him until death came and took him in his arms, took him into the endless eternity.
„It's... it's them," he suddenly said. He weakly lifted his right hand and his cloak fell back a little. I saw the sharp outlines of the dark mark on his white neck. A cold shiver ran through me.
In a thin voice he whispered: „Do you see them, Remus? Do you see... James... Lily... and there is... she is there too. She looks beautiful, doesn't she, Remus?"
I looked into the nightly sky and didn't see anything else than the storm coulds passing by.
„Go with them Severus. They will lead you", I whispered while tears were rolling down my cheeks.
A warm smile curled around his lips. Never before I had seen him smile like that. His face showed such a warmth that I too had to smile. Softly I touched his face a last time and slowly he closed his eyes while the warmth of the life gave way to the cold of the death. As the wind blew away his last breath the storm stopped. The rain did lash any more. Only a few silently blinking drops of rain fell and it seemed as if heaven cried for him... for Severus Snape.
END