"You're Still Annoying"
Chapter One: Naruto Uzumaki Must Die
"You. Are. So. Freaking. Dead!"
Naruto attempted to stifle a giggle at his infuriated teammate as the Uchiha chased him relentlessly around the training field, bent on shoving the kunai he held into Naruto's face.
"You guys, killing each other won't fix anything," sighed Sakura, watching Naruto irritate his pursuer even further.
"Careful, Sasuke-chan, you might chip a nail!" he squealed, ducking to avoid a wave of shuriken from behind.
"I'll kill you!" shouted an infuriated Sasuke.
"It doesn't look like they're going to stop anytime soon…" murmured Kakashi, shutting his book and stowing it in his weapons pouch. The jonin disappeared, reappearing between the other two and effectively putting a halt to their chase by thumping them both on the head.
Naruto immediately fell to the ground whimpering, Sauske merely winced and held his hand against the bruised area.
"There will be no murdering of your teammates until we complete this mission," ordered Kakashi. "Now cut it out, both of you."
Sasuke shot Naruto a death glare as he picked a stray blade of grass out of his hair. "This is your fault."
"Of course it is, Sasuke-chan," retorted a grinning Naruto. "What's the matter? Tired of having a stick shoved up your tush all these years?"
Sakura glared at Naruto as Sasuke whacked him upside the head.
"Naruto, I really wouldn't be talking if I were you," she lectured. "Everyone in the village probably wants to do a lot worse than kill you right now."
Naruto, despite the constant death threats from his teammates, laughed and said, "But it'll get fixed eventually. Just think, years from now we can all look back on this and laugh. Well, except for Little Miss Sunshine over here, he'll probably be moping about going back to living a lie-"
Sakura smacked a hand to her forehead as the other two began wrestling on the grass. She hoped Naruto's words were true, and that their entire village's little "problem" would be erased before anything drastic happened…
"Kakashi-sensei! Sasuke's trying to grope me!"
"Shut your mouth, you worthless turd! You're the one who started this all in the first place! The minute we get back to normal, you're going to wish you could chew your own arm off to escape what I'm going to do to you!"
Sakura sighed again. It really was to be expected, the onslaught of awkward moments following Naruto's actions earlier that day.
After all, he had accidentally caused everyone in the village to switch genders.
"Hold still, Sasuke. I can't fix your bruises properly if you keep squirming."
The Uchiha glared at Sakura, visibly uncomfortable about being touched. "I can't help it. Something just keeps making me move."
"It's probably all that estrogen her brain's soaking in," piped up Naruto.
"Like you're one to talk, buttface."
Sakura used this temporary distraction to dissolve a particularly large discolored spot on Sasuke's stomach before he could react.
Ignoring the following blast of Arctic air, Sakura sat back and surveyed her group.
Naruto sat where he was on the grass, twirling a plucked clover between his fingers. He was the whole reason they had been all over the village trying to find out exactly how the twelve-year-old had set off some sort of chain reaction from the medic-nin labs, accidentally (he claimed) succeeding in the seemingly-impossible and managing to somehow cause everyone within the village walls to switch their second chromosome in just a single night.
And of course he took immediate pleasure in everyone's misfortune, having been accustomed to being a girl from using that perverted jutsu of his. Everyone else however, was absolutely miserable.
Sakura glanced at each of her teammates, questioning thoughts running through her mind. Naruto now had the same blond pigtails as his naked girl form, but that was the only difference. Even his squeaky voice was still the same.
With Sasuke, the changes were a little more dramatic. His normally spiked black hair now gracefully flowed almost to his waist, and to put it simply, he made a generously endowed young lady. Everything about him could only be described in words Sakura had hoped someday someone would use in her direction: "dainty," "elegant," and even "pretty," the adjective he had come to resent the most in the past few hours. Well, besides "cute" and "hot." Sakura admitted, it would be hard even for her to recognize him at first, but there was no mistaking his icy attitude. That never changed.
She gazed downwards at her own body, feeling lost in this strange world of angles where there should have been curves. She had been able to deal with the extra bodily hair and deep voice and masculine stink, but had guiltily spent a good twenty minutes learning to use the bathroom properly. She could only imagine how her teammates were dealing with the results of Naruto's "accident."
"Come on, team, we aren't going to sit around all day."
And then there was Kakashi. The jonin just looked like a slightly skinnier version of himself. Even so, he still wouldn't take his mask off, no matter what Naruto threw at him.
"This sucks," Sakura murmured to herself, getting up to follow Kakashi around Konoha for the third time that day. "This really, truly, honest-to-god sucks."
"What are you complaining for?" grumbled Sasuke from behind her. "You didn't shrink a foot and a half. You don't have to deal with sudden emotional surges. You aren't the butt of idiotic jokes."
"I can see why," giggled Naruto, "Sasuke-chan likes having her butt grabbed by all the guys, doesn't she?"
"I'll kill you!"
Sudden emotional surges? thought Sakura, watching her teammates launch yet another fight-to-the-death. Maybe that's just part of being a girl…I guess he'd have a hard time dealing with it…
"Naruto, stop provoking your teammates. Sasuke, put a lid on it. Let's go already."
The three confused kids reluctantly followed Kakashi towards the village gate. He ordered them to split up, and each went running off in a different direction, searching wistfully for some tiny thing that would return their flip-flopped world back to normal.
Naruto, not wanting to fix this "dire emergency" as greatly as the other two, wandered the streets of Konoha, passing the time by attempting to guess who was who.
There's Ayame, the Ichiraku's owner's daughter, he thought, watching a redheaded young man empty a garbage can into a larger bin outside the famous noodle stand. There's Iruka-sensei…and Konohamaru…and Anko? Ew.
He hadn't been paying attention to where he was going, so the next moment found Naruto lying face-up on the sidewalk after walking right into someone. Someone with pale eyes and dark hair.
"Watch where you're going, Nej-!" he started, but stopped when the boy he ran into glanced down at him after getting back up. And blushed.
"Oh. Sorry, Hinata-chan," apologized Naruto, scratching the back of his head. "Didn't recognize you there for a second."
"Oh…um…sorry, Naruto…" the Hyuga mumbled, though several octaves below her normal squeak. "I, uh…didn't know it was you, either…"
Naruto grinned. "Really? I thought it'd be kinda obvious, but who knows?" He suddenly realized that Hinata was looking down at him for a change. "Aww, man! No fair! You're taller than me now!"
Hinata blushed and twiddled her fingers together. "Oh…well, um…"
"Anyways, I probably should go back to doing whatever it was I was supposed to be doing…catch you later, Hinata-chan!" said Naruto, waving and continuing down the sidewalk, leaving a blushing and very conflicted Hinata behind.
Naruto must die. Naruto must die. Naruto must die.
These three words repeated themselves in Sasuke's head over and over like a broken record player. His blond teammate would pay for his idiotic prank. Preferably with a limb or two, if Sasuke had the time to tear off more than one.
Naruto had done some pretty stupid things before, but none of them had even scratched the surface of this. Sasuke liked things he had control over to be properly in their ordered place. No more than this, no less than that. It gave him a weird sense of comfort. But Naruto had taken everything he knew to be that way and toppled the organized bookcase of Sasuke's life. Suddenly he had no control over anything.
Being a girl, in his particular opinion, held no benefits whatsoever. Girls were too emotional, the constant stream of powerful feelings that flowed through his brain made it very difficult to remain calm and collected. Girls had naturally weaker bodies, he hated tiring out so easily and not being able to pull off some forms of taijutsu during training. And lastly, girls stuck out in weird places. Sasuke had always liked baggy clothing. Loose meant ventilation and guaranteed comfort in any position. But thanks to Naruto, everything had suddenly become disturbingly tight, especially around the chest and backside areas. It irritated him even more than he already was, resulting yet more visions of Naruto burning at the stake.
For the thousandth time, he brushed a strand of hair out of his face. He had tried tying it back earlier, but realized in the mirror it made him look eerily like Itachi. He'd probably hack it back to its former length some other time, but for now…imagining Naruto getting water-boarded took his mind off of complaining. For now, at least.
His internal monologue was cut short by a sickeningly familiar voice, even now ear-piercingly shrill, preceding a forceful hugging.
"Sasukeeeeee! Oh don't you just look gorgeous!" squealed a blonde, blue-eyed boy, nearly knocking him to the ground with a death-grip hug. "You're so cute, I just have to take a picture of you sometime!"
Cute? Picture?! I don't think so.
"Ino, leave him alone already," mumbled a black-haired girl standing behind the two. "Can't you see you're bugging him? Troublesome woman…"
Ino ignored her lazy teammate's advice, much to Sasuke's dismay. "Oh, wow…your hair is so pretty…how'd you get it so soft? It's like imported silk!"
"Please stop touching me," ordered Sasuke, disappointed that the effect of his icy tone was nearly lost because of his now-higher girl's voice.
"Sorry, you're just so adorable…I can't help it!"
"You know, it's really weird listening to the flirts you're coming up with, Ino," murmured Shikamaru. "It's melting my brain. We're supposed to be reporting back to Asuma."
"Aww…" moaned Ino, releasing her captive. "That's too bad. I'll see you around, ok cutie?"
Sasuke merely glared furiously as the blond dragged her comrade off behind another building. Glaring was all he could do at that particular moment. Everything else was frozen.
The annoying fangirl/boy had just exited the scene after giving him a skillfully hidden slap on his bottom.
Naruto and Ino must die. Naruto and Ino must die. Naruto and Ino must die…
"Bleah."
This was the perfect way to sum up Sakura's emotions at that exact moment.
She was standing outside an antiques store, gazing unhappily at her reflection in a dusty old mirror displayed in the window.
Her normally obedient pink hair had somehow acquired the law that if not extremely long, all guys' hair defies gravity. Parts of it stuck up in cherry-colored spikes, which she desperately tried to keep down with her fingers.
She sighed sadly at the skinny boy in the mirror with his hands glued to his head. If she was going to be a young man, she would have preferred not to look so…dismal. The only comforting thought in her mind appearance-wise was that she was lucky to have had some spare t-shirts and shorts to wear, because her normal red dress would've been just too weird like this. There were virtually no muscles on her scrawny body, even though in the back of her mind she had known that if she wasn't that pretty of a girl there was little chance she'd make a handsome boy. She had her teammates to reference for that.
I wonder how the other two are doing…Naruto's probably stuffing his face with ramen instead of working on the mission, and poor Sasuke must be getting bothered by his fan…boys.
"Sakura-chan!"
Sakura turned around at the sound of the unfamiliar voice, only to be hugged at high speed by a green blur.
"Oof! Careful there Lee, you almost knocked me over!" she said, smiling a little.
Lee unfortunately now held the title of shortest genin in the village. Sakura was surprised, as a girl his usually-gigantic eyebrows were much smaller, almost normal-looking. She shuddered inwardly at the thought of his regular eyebrows in combination with his recent addition of jet-black pigtail-braids.
"Sakura-chan, I'm supposed to be helping my team, but I just stopped to tell you that I promise I'll find a way to put everything back to normal!" squealed the miniature Lee. "And when I do, we can share a lovely date under the moonlight!"
"That's, uh…nice, Lee," said Sakura with a sweat-drop. "But you should go back to your team. They're nothing without you."
"You're right, Sakura-chan! I will! Hope we meet again!" said Lee, pumping his fist in the air before disappearing back to his idolized Guy-sensei.
I should probably be getting back to my team as well…I wonder if any of them found something?
"Nothing at all?" asked Kakashi. "Not even a trace?"
"Nothing," the three genin answered in disappointment. Even Naruto was getting fed up with their new situation, having accidentally walked into the wrong bathroom at least three times in a row. Sasuke was deeply disturbed for obvious reasons, and Sakura just felt depressed.
Kakashi sighed. "Ok, let's call it a day. Meet up tomorrow at the park bridge, we'll continue this mission then." He disappeared in a poof of smoke.
"Well, I'm outta here," announced Naruto. "Hinata-chan promised as long as we're all stuck like this she'd show me how girls do stuff." He clasped his hands behind his head and walked off in the direction of the Hyuga estates.
Sakura glanced at Sasuke, making eye contact. She raised an eyebrow.
"Fine," he grumbled. It wasn't as if his day was going to get any worse.
"Ok," said Sakura, clapping her hands together. "There's absolutely no way you can be comfortable in your old clothes, am I right?"
She's good. She's very good.
"So if you want, we'll go find some that fit. Yes, they can be black and yes, I'll put your clan symbol on the back of your shirts, how does that sound?"
"It sounds…ok."
"Good," said Sakura. "Follow me. I know some great places that are still open."
Sasuke silently followed his formerly female teammate down several roads that led to the shopping district of the village. He'd barely ever come to this area, he mostly spent his time buying food, and very rarely some more clothing if his got torn. Never before had he been dragged on what girls referred to as a "shopping trip."
Sakura grabbed his wrist and dragged him through the doorway of one shop. The receptionist ignored them as she pulled Sasuke towards the back, past rows of brightly colored summer-wear.
"There's some nice dark stuff back here," she explained, pointing to a row of black and gray fabrics. "If you see anything you like, the changing rooms are back there so you can see if it fits. I'll wait out here till you're done."
Sasuke mumbled his thanks to her and wandered slowly towards the dull-colored material shelved neatly by size. He glanced back at Sakura to find her turning over a vibrantly pink, high-heeled shoe from one of the shelves in her hand, absorbed by the tiny flowers that adorned the outside.
Girls, he thought, and turned back to his inspection of the store's wares. They're all the same.
and now for some A/N's:
Wahaha...a random crackfic I started doing when I had no inspiration for U&U chapters...The thought of the genin all like that just makes me laugh, and this was getting pretty long (it takes me a while to come up with new stuff for U&U...I get bored easily, it's my American attention span of fourteen seconds) so I thought "What the heck, I'll post it and see what happens."
Chapter two coming soon...XD