A/N: HeeHeeHee!!! This was MY idea. My friend gave me a few ideas for lyrics, but that's IT. She did not write it, no matter what she says. It is a songfic and a filk to the Dixie Chicks' song "GOODBYE EARL" which is reeeally funny. From Harry's POV, read at your own risk. And if you have the CD "FLY," which is the Dixie Chicks album that Goodbe Earl is on, see if the words fit. If you don't, either BUY IT or DOWNLOAD IF OFFA NAPSTER OR WHATEVER!!! Goodbye Earl is a REALLY GOOD SONG!!! (Trust me ^_^)
A/D: The song Goodbye Earl belongs to the Dixie Chicks, and the added lyrics belong to me, although some belong to Rose. Atlantis belongs to absolutely nobody, it can be used by ANYONE!!! since it is embedded in Greek mythology. Harry and Hermione belong to J K Rowling. Merl belongs to ME, de almighty Godforsaken!!! KYAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!! Okies, I'm not almighty. *pouts*
Goodbye Merl
bye Godforsaken
I literally owe my life to Hermione. Merl, on the other hand, doesn't.
Harry and Hermione were the best of friends
All through their Hogwarts days.
One the youngest Quidditch star,
The other always got straight As.
I sometimes long for the times back at Hogwarts, where everything was simple. You wake up, you follow your schedule, if you don't, you get dentention. After seventh year...then things got strange.
After graduation Hermione went out
Lookin' for a bright new world,
Harry looked all around his town
And all he found was Merl.
When I was twenty-four, I met a young woman named Melanie. We called her Mel, but her accent was so strong that she pronounced her own name 'Merl.' So, after a while, everyone called her 'Merl' too. Our marriage started off lovely, but then she turned on me. She started beating me, and got so bad-tempered that I found myself hiding in the basement at times, not wanting to get any more bruises.
Well it wasn't two weeks after they got married that
Harry started gettin' abused
He put on dark glasses
And long-sleeved T shirts
And makeup to cover a bruise
That was the most embarrasing part--I had so many bruises that I actually bought concealer makeup to cover some of them. Because of my Quidditch training, I was fast enough to duck most people's blows, but Merl was faster. As it was, a sock in the face usually ended up in a nice big bruise on my cheek...which had to be covered up, as I got a new one every two to four weeks. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.
Well he finally got the nerve to file for divorce
He let the law take it from there
But Merl walked right through that restrainin' order and
Put him in intensive care
It's amazing that a Muggle can ruin somebody's life so powerfully. I was so desperate that I sent an owl to Hermione, pleading for help. She promptly came, and we worked something out.
Right away Hermione
Came in from Atlantis
On a bumpy Knight Bus ride
She held Harry's hand
As they worked out a plan
And it didn't take 'em long to decide
Our decision still chills me when I think of it.
That Merl had to die
(na na na na naaaaa na)
Goodbye Merl
That peice of cheese
( na na na na na )
It tasted all right to me, Merl
Merl was a cheese-aholic. Her favorite was brie, which I am allergic to. So we poisoned it and gave it to her that night. The potion in it made her feel dizzy. Then she collapsed on the floor.
You feelin weak?
(na na na na naaaaaa na)
Why don't you lay down and sleep, Merl
Ain't it dark
(na na na na naaaa na)
Wrapped up in that tarp, Merl
Being full authenticated wizards, we made Merl's corpse impossible for Muggles to find. The police didn't find her, though they did try.
Well the cops came by to bring Merl in
They searched the house high and low
They they tipped their hats and said Thank you ladies
They were stupid cops, too. They called me a lady. I wanted to sock them in the nose, but after my beatings I couldn't hit another creature if I tried.
If you hear from her let us know
After we 'disposed' of her, we had to plan what was going to happen next. Luckily for us, nobody really seemed to care that she was gone. And so time passed.
Well the weeks went by and spring turned to summer and
Summer faded into fall
And it turned out Merl was a missing person
That nobody missed at all
Well, Hermione and I decided that we should stick together. So we set up a Muggle shop by the parkway, since she is an Auror, and I'm an actor. (Having magic can make special effects in movies reeeeeeeeeally good.) As neither of our jobs were full-time white-collar desk jobs, we wanted something else to do. We set up the shop on a whim.
Well the friends bought some land
And a roadside stand
Down on Highway 109
They sell Tennessee jam
And strawberry ham
Everyone thinks we've messed up our signs but we haven't; we did that on purpose. You should try it, its really good and the ham is cheap!!! We magicked them ourselves.
And they don't lose their sleep at night
'Cause Merl had to die
(na na na na naaaa na)
Goodbye Merl
We need a break
*pause*
Eventually, we remembered that Merl was not properly buried, merely hidden. So, we took her down to the lake for lunch and a burial... and that was that. I do occaisonaly miss her, but her beatings make that very rarely. It's hard to miss someone who used to beat you up every day. Most of the time, I miss the Dursleys more than I miss Merl...and I hate the Dursleys. And no matter what people say, Hermione and I are just friends.
Let's go down to the lake, Merl
We'll pack a lunch
(na na na na na)
And stuff you in the trunk, Merl
Well is that all right?
(na na na na) Good!
Let's go for a ride, Merl
Hey! (na, na na na na na) Hey hey hey he-ey...(repeat and fade out)
A/A/N: (Another author's note) BIONIC CHICKEN!!! Didja know that KFC chicken is grown in a labratory??? Huh? Huh? Well didja??? *runs around shouting 'BIONIC CHICKEN!!!' w/ Jen(friend from school)*