Mushroom, Mushroom
Finite Sledgehammer
Star Wars belongs to Lucasfilm and also Disney (gosh that's weird to write); I am merely playing in the sandbox far far away.
There was one upside to being a stormtrooper; you got to visit some pretty amazing planets from time to time. LT-3313 was presently moving through an ancient forest the likes of which he'd only seen in the occasional picture or holoflick. The trees towered dozens of meters overhead; the ground was covered in plush moss, and feathery ferns dotted the landscape as a gentle, easy to push through underbrush. It was drizzling, but the ground was not soggy, which allowed he and his squad to move all but silently through the verdant forest. They were still a few clicks out from their target, which gave him the guilty pleasure of enjoying a walk in the woods for a while.
Until he saw the mushrooms.
They were a mystery, these mushrooms. Twenty or thirty centimeters tall, with broad, white spotted red caps. They were one of those enigmatic species that occurred on a plethora of worlds without a clear point of origin; largely unchanged from planet to planet, always growing wherever the conditions were right. They were deadly poisonous if eaten, but innocent enough if left alone as they were, tucked away quietly beneath the ferns, doing whatever it was mushrooms did.
Or they would be if Kylo Ren wasn't stalking after them fifty meters or so away. LT-3313 grimaced and gestured to his nearest squad mate – a newbie, straight out of the academy. He'd been with the unit only a few galactic standard weeks, and he was about to learn one of the squads more bizarre rituals.
The newbie started to walk towards him, but LT-3313 waved him to a stop as he spotted another cluster of mushrooms nearly at the troopers feet. He gestured to indicate the mushrooms, then mimed kicking them over, before he stepped over to the nearest patch to do just that. He stomped them into the moss and dirt, then carefully piled more moss, deadfall and leaves on top.
The newbie was giving him a very strange look, he knew, but he hesitantly followed suit, kicking over the mushrooms and hiding them amongst the detritus littering the forest floor. Heaving a sigh, LT-3313 carefully scanned the forest around him in search of more. Sometimes the mushrooms grew in huge colonies scattered across several kilometers of real estate. He didn't see any more nearby, but it was entirely possible the forest was full of them. Unfortunately they were too tightly monitored to alert the squad verbally, so he'd just have to trust them to do the right thing.
He had moved only a few steps before he heard it, the now familiar strangled, guttural chant of "mushroom... MUSHROOOOOOM!" that never failed to strain the voice modulators on the mans mask. Next came the faint snap-hiss of a lightsaber being ignited, followed by the angry hum of the blade as it sliced through earth, and wood, and mushrooms in a frenzied flurry of unbridled rage.
The newbie paused to look back, LT-3313 reluctantly turned around as well. Kylo Ren was about thirty meters away beating the shit out of a little patch of earth.
He gestured for the newbie to keep moving, getting another confused stare as he did so. Guess he'd have to do some explaining later.
Story time did not happen for nearly two days, after they had completed their mission, and were on their way back to Starkiller base. Being safely tucked away in hyperspace for a few days also meant they were finally, officially off duty. The First Order only reluctantly gave its stormtroopers genuine down-time. Something about idle hands being the devils playground or something. Whatever the hell a devil was supposed to be.
"So, uh..." The newbie started as LT-3313 sat down in the bench across the table from him with a tray of the gray goop that passed for breakfast around here. He kept his voice low. "What was with the mushrooms?"
The rest of the squad threw a few nervous glances around as they sat around them. Captain Phasma had an uncanny ability to appear whenever they discussed things like this. Thankfully she didn't seem to be joining them for breakfast today, as she was generally first in the commissary when she did.
LT-3313 settled himself on the bench. "No one knows for sure. Started a few years ago after we captured some Jedi girl or something."
"Jedi?" The newbie furrowed his brow. "I thought they were just a myth."
LT-3313 shrugged. "Kylo Ren can do some freaky wizard kinda shit, and so could that girl." He swirled his goop around with his spoon, then took a bite. It at least tasted alright.
"It was sheer, dumb luck that we bumped into her. Literally bumped into her. We'd been sent to a garrison on Ryleth 4 to do some training with the local troopers, and were out in the woods there doing some recon stuff against each other. War games, you know. Anyway, our squad - " he gestured to the squad occupying this particular table, "was working support for Kylo Ren. He sends us ahead to scout around in this sorta cave area, where we run across this girl, and two non-humans digging a hole."
"Looking for buried treasure?" The newbie quipped.
"That's what they claimed." LT-3313 chortled. "We woulda just shooed them off 'cept they were from offworld. Rylethians are these creepy squid faced people and they tend to keep to themselves. Anyway, there wasn't anything about them that wasn't suspicious, so we got Kylo Ren and Cap' down to come check 'em out."
"That's when it started to get weird." He scooped up more goop, ate it, and scratched his shoulder with his free hand. "One second there were three of them, the next there was just the girl, and Kylo Ren was running full tilt towards her. Already had his lightsaber out."
"Whoa!"
"Yeah."
"She doesn't put up a fight though, so we just cuff her and take her back to base. Captain sends the rest of the unit out to find the non-humans – she figured the girl was acting as a diversion to let them escape."
"So, I was workin' interrogation guard duty that day, which mostly means I get to stand outside the door and pretend like Kylo Ren needs me there to keep him safe from the prisoner he's torturing." LT-3313 rolled his eyes.
"He can... read minds... right?" The newbie grimaced.
"You can call it that, sure." LT-3313 snorted. "Anyway, usually I can't really hear anything until the screaming starts. But today it was oddly quiet. Too quiet."
The others in ear shot chuckled nervously.
"Now, normally I wouldn't go poking my head in there, but after fifteen minutes of dead silence I figured something had to be wrong. So I walk in, and Kylo Ren is just standing there with his arm up, staring off into space. Completely catatonic. The girl is just casually letting herself out of her restraints."
"So I tell her to put her hands up, and she goes 'Nah, I've got some stuff I gotta be at'."
"Ha ha, what!?"
"It gets better." He grinned. "I order her again and charge up my blaster. But curiosity gets the best of me, and I ask her what she did to him."
"She finishes letting herself loose and goes 'oh, you know; you stare into the void, the void stares into you – that sorta thing'." He waved his hand flippantly to imitate what she'd done all those years ago. "Then she stares at me, makes eye contact through the helmet." He stared hard at the newbie to punctuate his point. "It was the freakiest damn thing..."
He could already feel himself slipping; as hard as he tried to stay in the moment, to keep his train of thought, telling this story inevitably placed him back there, and for a brief moment he remembered... he remembered nothing. Nothing at all... no light, no sound, no darkness, nothing... nothing...
"LT!"
Someone was shaking him. It took him a few moments to process that he needed to respond. LT-3313 jerked suddenly and shook himself, a cold chill creeping down his spine as he had the sudden, brief sensation of falling. Sound returned fully after the feeling passed. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest.
"Sorry." He shook his head again, then rubbed his forehead. "Whatever she did to him, she did to me too, I think. But not as bad."
"A-are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." He waved the newbies concern away. "So after she... did whatever she did, I come to, to the Captain slapping me across the face. Someone had taken my helmet off, I guess. Apparently I'd been standing there for a good fifteen minutes before anyone came to look for me. And I got the third degree for it – even though she took my blaster, my key pass, and all the credits in my wallet!" He threw his hands in the air then immediately regretted it. Everyone cast nervous glances around to make sure no one had thought anything of the gesture, nor that he'd raised his voice.
Sure that they had not drawn any unwanted attention to themselves, LT-3313 continued. "They'd already carted off Kylo Ren – I don't think anyone was dumb enough to slap him across the face."
The others chuckled nervously.
"So what happened to her? Did she escape?" The newbie asked.
"Yup. Took us three days to figure out how she did it. Turns out she waltzed into the sanitation staffs locker room, changed into a jumpsuit, found some trash to take out, and never came back."
"She just walked out of there!?" The newbie hissed, mouth flopping stupidly open.
"Back in those days sanitation used to wear these little caps. Pull 'em down far enough and the security cams in all the hallways can't record your face 'cause they're all up high." He mimed pulling down a cap. "They'd been looking for this girl, but only ever saw janitors runnin' round. No one pays attention to janitors." He took a sip of water. "Someone finally figured out that the missing janitors uniform was related to the girls disappearance. Once they started paying attention to the janitors, they found her on the footage."
"So... what happened to Kylo Ren?"
"He woke up a day later screaming about his kidney. Physically he was fine, but he kept insisting it had been stolen."
The newbie gave him a very odd look.
"For weeks after he'd suddenly blurt out 'and stop calling me Charlie!' then storm off in a huff. Sometimes I'd catch him humming a peppy little tune. He'd realize it and stop, and be in the worst mood for the rest of the day." LT-3313 couldn't fight back a grin that was half way to being a grimace. "It woulda been hilarious if he didn't throw tantrums every few hours."
"And the mushrooms?"
"Have something to do with it, somehow. He never seemed to notice them before, but after that girl... " He shook his head. "So now, if we spot 'em before he does, we try to get rid of 'em before he see's 'em. Makes missions go a lot smoother."
"Wow." The newbie was quiet for a time, staring off into space, wheels turning behind his eyes.
LT-3313 went back to his meal, then paused as something occurred to him. "Oh, if you ever run across any unicorns and Kylo Ren is around, just run and don't look back."
"Unicorns? I know those aren't real." The newbie furrowed his brow.
"Doesn't matter. Toys, cartoons, holograms - anything involving unicorns. Just run."
The others nodded, their faces gaunt and pale, their eyes haunted.
The newbie stared around at his teammates. "I don't want to know, do I?"
"Nope. And pray you never find out."
END
A/N: So, I saw Inside Out the night before seeing The Force Awakens, and when it got to the point where Kylo Ren was trying to read Reys mind, the first thing that popped into my head was "LOAD UP THE GUM COMMERCIAL". Because you just KNOW that would get stuck in his head too, and he'd be tortured by it forever and ever. XD
This fic is... something of an expansion of that thought, only with silly/annoying internet videos deployed as psychic weapons. Because it's really hard to be a Darth Vader wannbe when you can't stop thinking about badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom – eh heh. And having your kidney stolen by treacherous unicorns, and friendly space unicorns delivering rainbows, and Princess Celestia being deep, and pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows