Wow, last nights episode was fantastic! I used to ship Burktina soooo much, I was devastated at the end of season three but then Cristina moved on and Owen came into the picture and I fell in love with Crowen but goddamn it last nights epi brought so many feelings to the surface, I couldn't explain it, its like seeing your high school sweetheart at a reunion ten years later, I was brought back to those moments of Burke and Cris that made me fall in love with Greys and when he showed her the pics of his family my stomach fell to the floor and when he told her that working with her would destroy his marriage, chills went up and down my spine, and forget about "Like a Virgin." playing in the background OMG! ugh, don't get me wrong, i ship CROWEN, especially now that I've had closure but it still stung a little, I think its cos Cris is confronted with a dilemma and she has to come to turns that Owen might move on and find a wife and create a family, and I don't think she wants that to happen, especially now when she knows that he is the one. Also Sandra was on Jimmy Kimmel and I almost died when she corrected Jimmy when he said that Burke was her love interest on the show, she quickly interrupted and said, "Well, I want to make clear that he was my characters previous love interest, her love interest on the show is Owen, played by Kevin Mckidd." I died! lol
Anyways this is what my erratic and emotional self came up with after watching, PLEASE REVIEW AND GIVE UR TWO CENTS ABOUT THE EPI, I WANNA KNOW WHAT U THINK! ps I didn't revise nor edit so mistakes are mine to claim sorry:)
I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me, it isn't over
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
"I no longer have the ability to interpret your noises." Burke stood behind his desk, attention intently on Cristina, he began collecting his suit jacket from behind his chair and slowly started to put it on.
"Is this some play to get me back into your life? Cristina asked exasperated before adding, "Cos I'm not interested." The old wounds left from his absence that day when she stood in the church he had picked out with that white wedding dress and his family emblem wrapped tightly around her neck, suffocating her in the absence of any oxygen, all flooding back and taking her breath away just like it had seven years ago and more recently just as what she felt mere hours ago when he made himself known at the lecture.
She battled with the dichotomy between what she knew was for the best and what could have been if he would of stayed.
Burke eyed her for a moment, almost hesitantly turning over a picture frame that was placed on his desk so she could see from where she stood across the room.
"My wife, Edra." He stated before turning another picture frame over while Cristina's heart fell at the pit of her stomach. 'That is Simone, she's five and Vienna just turned four." Cristina turned her head away.
"I'm happy Cristina." Why did he have to say her name like that? A million emotions ran through her body, he had found someone and he didn't walk away from them, he stayed and wed her and helped create two kids with her.
""Edra is the love of my life, She's my world." The words were beautiful but somehow the conviction in his voiced seemed forced or absent. "My family is my world." He concluded.
She couldn't believe this was really happening that he was here, right in front of her, and he had found someone that gave him everything he wanted without it being forced or coerced, she felt dizzy.
'That's nice." She mustered, and an emptiness filled her to the core.
"I don't want you, Cristina." He stated almost convincingly, enough to convince her. Her eyes were everywhere but on him until now.
"Uh, ok, I don't mean it like it sounds-" He was not finding the right words, words were failing him because she was Cristina, and would always be the one he let get away.
"- its ok." She quietly stated with a small hand gesture indicating the comment had just rolled off her back.
"I mean Edra wants to be a mom…." What a slap in the face, "She trained as a surgeon and she gave it up." Well good for her and you, she thought. "Now she stays home and takes care of the kids…" Is that what you would of expected me to do?, . "She's supportive of me and my dreams…"
She couldn't let him go further, this was a sinking ship and she needed to escape before they hit the iceberg. "Well thats good for you, I'm happy for you.'
He came around his desk and made his way towards her.
"What you and I do and as fiercely as we do it, you need somebody to stay home and keep the home fires burning, thats the only way you and I are ever going to have someone." She had to stop him there, something about that statement made something deep within her die a little bit, her he was seven years later still trying to take things from her and here she was almost letting him.
One person came to mind, Owen, and she wondered if she had truly moved on, or if she ever would knowing that he wanted the life that Burke had and she couldn't give it to him no matter how much she wished she could. Was she destined to be alone? To be Cristina Yang, and nothing less nor more? Would that be enough for her to live on? Was that all she would have forty years from now?
"You don't know me anymore, I see your life has moved on, and I want you to know that mine has too." The pain of his admission blurred by the realization that she would never be good enough to be a wife. Here he was with his money and his own God damn hospital and his hologram hearts, and if that wasn't enough he had a wife and two kids to keep his home alive and thriving.
"Your right, I don't know you, but I know you have become a magnificent surgeon." And thats just what you think I'll always be, nothing more, nothing less.
"You've become everything I'd dreamed you'd be…" And so much more, he thought . "You should be in a place like this, you should consider it."
She opened the door to his office after a quick knock, not allowing him time to reply before walking in.
He sat at his desk sipping on his morning coffee.
"Ah, you spoke to Meredith.' He inquired knowingly, his arrogance something he hadn't grown out of.
"No.' Cristina stating, placing her purse and small carry on atop his office sofa before walking towards where he sat. "And no, I can't take the job, thank you for the offer, but…No.'
"Ugh Meredith carries…. a grudge.." He started, "This has nothing to do with Meredith, or a grudge.' Cristina dismissed his suspicion, trying her best to seem composed knowing full on well that she had rung Meredith numerous times and left numerous messages. "Its not that simple."
"You got me here, we had our fun, take no for an answer." She stated.
"Why?" He firmly asked, almost in an agitated voice, willing her to see it his way by doing what he did best, pushing her to make decisions that he saw fit.
"Why?" She repeated his ignorant question. So many emotions rising to the surface that could not be tamed any longer, not after he threw his perfect life in her face and made her aware of the fact that she wasn't wifey material, that he couldn't marry a women who had the same aspirations and dreams as he did. The anger she felt almost suffocating her and the words pooling from her mouth out of bitterness and resentment.
"You think that I want to work for you again?" She stepped closer to him, wanting to look him in the eyes and let him know exactly what she wished she could of said when he had walked out on her.
"I never wanted to work for you, I wanted to BE YOU." The anger reminiscent in her voice and tone as if she was reliving every single second of that day, every moment they shared leading up to it and the aftermath of it all, seven years later….she realized she still wasn't over it.
"The best thing that ever happened to me was you walking away from our wedding, it made me stand on my own two feet, I'am better for it, you are better for it." She spoke with conviction and clarity, her voice strong and unfaltering in her attempt to explain to him why her answer was no. After all these years he still thought that he had power over her, that he could say "Jump." and she would ask "How High?"
"Now-, Wait a min-" He tried unsuccessfully to interject but the truth pooling from her mouth wouldn't let him get a word in.
"So why bring me here?" She asked flabbergasted at his offer."Why offer me a job I can't resist?" Her voice rising with her blood pressure and the anger seeping from inside her pores. "Your gonna dangle a carrot and I'm suppose to chase it until you snatch it away, I don't want the job."
"-Are you done?" He asked, and with that he awoke a green eyed monster. "NO!" She almost screamed, trying to hold back as much emotion as she could for fear that she might waste one last single tear on this man who had already taken from her so much and left her with so little.
She stood there, silent, her eyes drilling holes into his as time stood still and the world stopped spinning, he said nothing just sighed heavily as their eyes met in a war between love and hate. Which was it? Neither of them knew.
TIME. STOOD. STILL, this is all either one of them knew to be true.
After the red sea parted, and the Earth and Moon aligned, she finally spoke and he blinked back the emotion that made its way deep in his throat.
"Now I'am.' Her voice miraculously returned to normal, the demon inside subdued, for good this time.
"I don't want you to work for me." He declared while she picked up her belongings in an attempt to leave. "Us working together would be…." His voice cracked, it changed as he stood and quickly moved across the room to face her. "It would destroy my marriage, my life." A lump formed in her throat, suddenly their was no air to breathe. She could hear the frustration in his voice, the unwillingness for him to admit his weakness coupled with his inability to resist her. He walked past her and she wondered if he was walking out on her but before she could ponder that scenario, he made quick move of the door and slammed it shut, forcing her to stay and hear him out.
He walked back in front of her, his hand angrily gesturing towards her, unable to hide his feeling and emotions and unwilling to fight it any longer. "The way I loved you, it was consuming, and eventually…." He paused and she looked up at him confused as his voice softened and he struggled to find his wording. He had been keen on eye to eye contact but for some reason he no longer could look at her so he choose to divert his eyes to the ground and let her know why he couldn't trust himself in her presence.
"You'll hold the carrot, and I'll be chasing you….." He looked up and took her breath away, shivers ran up and down her spine as goosebumps took over every inch of her body, she wished he would of never made that admission because she secretly knew that she would of let him chase the carrot. "I have a family now….A life that… A life that I want…" So much energy he put on emphasizing that point to her, almost trying to convince himself while convincing her that the words he spoke were true.
"I don't want you to work for me." He started but not before she interrupted him. She was just as stubborn as she was beautiful he thought.
"You just offered me a job-."
"I don't want you to work for me, I want you to take over for me!" He had to spell it out for her as her brain worked on overdrive to comprehend just what he was offering.
He had so much faith in her that he was offering her his pride and joy, his hospital. He took so much away from her so many years ago and now here he was giving her exactly what she wanted, what she had worked so hard for, something she had sacrificed so much in order to attain. It was all right here, close enough to touch but far enough to reject.
Was this it? Is this where she was meant to end up?
He was making such a huge sacrifice to make his wife happy, she momentarily wondered if he would of sacrificed for her, if she could ever sacrifice for Owen and if Owen could ever sacrifice for her.
All these years had gone by, why do they say that time heals all wounds? All time does is mask them by layering them and hiding them, sweeping them under the rug until theres no more room left and everything comes full circle and you are forced to reap everything you have ever sowed.
He had moved on, they would never be again, could never be again because he was not only married with kids but he didn't trust himself in her presence and quite frankly she didn't think she could trust herself either when he rose from the shadows and made his face known at the lecture. If he would of been single, without a wife and kids, if he hadn't wanted that life that he was now living, if they both had the same vision, she might have fallen into the trap again, but that was not the case. He wanted what every other man wanted, (What Owen wants but refuses to accept.) and that would never be her. If he wouldn't of wanted that life then maybe she could of pretended to be content with him and set Owen free. She loved him too much to let him give things up for her, it would of been heartbreaking and soul crushing but she would of done it for his sake, because Owen was her soulmate.
But now she most definitely knew, Burke was never hers and she was never his, as sad as it was, she would never regret what they had because he taught her how to be loved and she learned how to love in return. He didn't trust himself around her, that was a bold statement, but even though he admitted to an all consuming love for her, she no longer felt any sort of love towards him, it had disappeared long ago. He didn't marry the love of his life, he married the right women for him, the one that would fit perfectly in a small box where all his hopes and dreams laid. He didn't marry for love, he married for convenience and yes, she wanted to be him but she promised herself she would never turn into him because all consuming love doesn't just die, and she doesn't know if she would be strong enough to walk away from it and never come back.
She didn't know much in this state of limbo, but what she knew for sure is that she would of never made him happy and he could never be Owen but if it wasn't for Burke she would of never been able to distinguish the lust that Burke and her shared with the love that Owen and she had. And because of that she had no regrets, she didn't have to ponder what ifs and what could of beens because they were no longer relevant, his hands were tied and he didn't want to be free, couldn't trust his own conscience and she couldn't find it in herself to put up a struggle and loosen the chains, because in this life, as bittersweet as it could be, this was where their story ended. When he left she felt relief but upon reunion she couldn't help finding it hard to breathe.