A/N I'm going to go out of my comfort zone a little and this is going to be a story of which the majority of will probably be told through diary entries. The fic will not really involve any ships, but may touch on them. I haven't decided. Anyway the fic more centers around Zoe's thoughts and feelings when she gets some bad news.
Dear diary,
I'm not overly sure why I've started this, and I'm not sure I'll complete it. I constantly tried to keep one when I was growing up but I always got bored of it with in a couple of days. Maybe that makes it even more unlikely that I'll be able to do it this time, but people start these things when they need to get something off their chest, so here we are.
See I'm Clinical Lead at the ED at Holby City Hospital, not that it much matters, it seems that no matter how much training you have, nothing prepares you for when the person who needs help is a little closer to home. When I was at school I had a friend called Mel, we were inseparable and always in and out of trouble. As most people do, we grew apart, we made sure we skyped each other once a week and met up every few months.
The last few months she hasn't been well, she always said she was fine but the doctor with in me told me differently. She was constantly exhausted, her eyes looked sunken and every so often when she moved, you could tell that she was in a great deal of pain. It wasn't until today on our weekly skype chat that she finally confirmed that she was ill.
Terminal cancer. It's not something anyone wants to hear, especially over a webcam, I carried on the conversation as I normally would, determined not to let anything change. It wasn't until she'd gone offline that I broke down into tears. There's no handbook to tell you how to deal with these things, you're never taught how to cope with a loved one being told that the thing making them feel so rubbish, will kill them. We tell people everyday at work that their loved one is dead, or that there is nothing more we can do for them, we are taught to do that. It's somehow different when it's you on the other side of the situation.
Mel wasn't even physically there to comfort, for me to give her a big hug and tell her that it'd be okay. I'm not even sure that she'd want to. Actually it's probably good that I'm not physically with her because right now it'd be her comforting me. I feel selfish because she seemed to be coping so well, and here I am with the prospect of a long life ahead of me and I'm the one melting down. It seems so wrong. I have so many questions to which I'd like to know the answer to but at the same time don't.
It seems that when it comes to it, even though I'm a doctor, I can do nothing to save my best friend and that hurts perhaps more than anything. I just can't see a life without her.
Zoe