"You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter.
You are the best thing that's ever been mine.
Do you believe it? We're gonna make it now.
And I can see it. I can see it now"
The whole time Santana was singing it felt like her heart was being pulled down into a bottomless pit by a force that seemed stronger than gravity. Her whole body suddenly felt empty. Now she actually had to do it. She had to look into those teary blue eyes and go through with it.
The song was over, and once again Brittany felt lucky and amazed at how beautiful Santana was whenever she allowed herself to open up like that, to let herself feel in the deepest possible sense. But this was different. There was a pang that shot through the core of Brittany's body and it didn't feel good at all. Suddenly Brittany felt like there was a small tube attached to her back that was slowly sucking some of the air out of her chest.
Why is she crying? I've seen her cry before. She's beautiful when she cries, when she opens her heart. But I've never seen her like this. Why is she crying like this?
"Wow, sad songs make me really sad and I don't wanna be sad," Brittany wiped a tear that had fallen down her cheek. She wondered at what point she, herself, had started to cry.
"I haven't been a good girlfriend to you. I can't come home on the weekends and pretend that things are the way they were because…they aren't." That last part was like an icy cold dagger to Santana's side. A chill prickled her skin and it felt like all the blood in her body had turned into small rivers of ice water.
God, I can't believe I'm doing this…Fuck! No, I have to. I promised myself I would go through with it, no matter how hard it is.
She gulped hard and continued. "And I don't wanna be like all those other long distance relationships that, ya know, hang in there for a few months and then break up when someone eventually cheats or things get weird."
What? What is she saying? Where is she going with this?
"I would never cheat on you," Brittany assured.
"I know," Santana could feel her voice closing up, but she willed herself to power through it. "I know, and I would never cheat on you either but…" This was the beginning of what she knew would be one of the hardest things she ever had to do, so she took a small gasp of air just to give herself some extra strength, as if that would help at all. "If we're being completely honest I had, I guess the best way to describe it would be…an energy exchange?"
Santana went on to explain what she had mentally dubbed 'The Virginia Wolf Girl' incident. "I had an attraction?" She didn't let that question linger too long before she quickly continued, like she was ripping off a band-aid. "And you, you may have had one, or you might have one and…that happens."
With her eyes averting downward, Brittany tilted her head in reluctant understanding. Santana had made a valid point there. Attraction, however small or large, wasn't something one could necessarily control. The two of them could be considered experts on that. They practically wrote the book. But Brittany knew where this was going now. She didn't want to admit it but she knew it was coming.
As Santana moved into the seat right next to her, Brittany felt all the heat in her body rise to the surface of her skin, like it was threatening to pour out of her so she could wrap Santana in everything she had and never let her go.
Santana took one more small breath in, trying desperately to steady herself before she had to voluntarily face one of her worst fears, head-on. She had no clue how she was even capable of getting this far with it, but she knew she had to be steady and strong and yet gentle if she was ever going to make it through…and she had to make it through. "Let's just do the mature thing here, okay?"
And there it was, the beginning of the end. Brittany felt a sudden pressure rise in her chest, like a water filled dam that was violently cracking along its grand foundation, two raindrops away from completely breaking. She desperately shook her head, refusing to believe this was happening, and she tried her hardest to deny her tears from falling, as if she could do something to prevent the dam from giving way to a painful and destructive flood.
"This is not an official break-up," Santana tried to justify, her voice becoming uneasy. "Let's just be honest. Long-distance relationships are almost impossible to maintain because both people are rarely getting what they need, especially at our age." Her voice was now getting caught in her throat as she saw Brittany's eyes growing red with tears. It broke her heart to see those once soft blue eyes grow hard and yet feeble with such pain. And then, two tear drops sliding down the beautiful freckles of her face. Those two drops alone caused any sort of stability Santana had left to shatter.
Brittany thought it was impossible to ever feel this much pain but the backs of her eyes stung with such a burning and precise force that it was as if all the vivid color she could ever see was now fading into gray. "This sounds a lot like a break up to me."
"You know this isn't working," Santana choked out. She was beginning to unravel but she had to see it through, no matter how hard it was, no matter how much Brittany's eyes were begging her not to.
Though not a word escaped Brittany's mouth, her eyes were pleading.
Please…please don't do it. Don't leave me.
Santana leaned in close and although it took every ounce of strength she had left, she spoke her next words as if she knew them to be an absolute and irrefutable truth. "You know I will always love you the most."
And that was it. The one thing Santana could've said that would cause all the color in Brittany's world to turn into a bittersweet memory. She felt like all the air in her lungs was suddenly gone, while the dam in her chest finally broke and burst open in a rushing and uncontrollable flood. Her body filled with more pain and hurt than she ever thought possible.
Santana leaned in to give one last sweet kiss. As they parted, Brittany left her heart on Santana's lips, knowing she could possibly never get it back, and she was fine with that. Even when it hurt this much, no matter how far apart they could or would be, Brittany would always willingly leave her heart to Santana so that she could always carry it with her, wherever she may go.
They shared one final, tight embrace. With every last fiber of her being, Brittany overwhelmingly choked out four simple words as if it were the only truth she had ever known. "I love you too."
...
With her arm stretched out across the bed, Brittany kept clutching and re-clutching at the sheets, as if she were straining to grab hold of something but couldn't quite reach anything. Her eyes were cinched shut. Actually they felt like they were glued shut. Part of her brain wanted to desperately open her eyes but for the life of her, she couldn't.
Her lips tightened in a line as she impulsively tried to fight the painful and tense expression that was now crossing her face. Her heartbeat rapidly sped up like it was about to thump out of her chest.
Then, she could hear the words echoing in her head.
You know I will always love you the most.
Finally, she bolted upright in her bed and her eyes sprung open as she gasped for air. Everything was dark and blurry, her eyes filled with water. She was sweating profusely and yet her body felt clammy and her skin prickled with a cold chill. The water from her eyes started flowing down her face with no conceivable way of stopping.
She let her head thud back onto the pillow. Her nose was stuffed up and her chest heaved up and down with her mouth gaped open trying to grab any air she could. Her face tensed and tightened once more as she let out a mournful and high-pitched wail. Her whole body clamped and scrunched together as she turned on her side in a fetal position, tugging her blanket up to her heart.
Wiping some of the tears from her eyes, she could make out the picture frame on her bedside table from the very faint glow of the nightlight on the wall. She stared at it longingly as she sniffled.
A picture of her carrying Santana, piggy-back style, with Santana's arms wrapped around Brittany's neck and chest. Both their heads were turned, facing inward toward each other for a kiss, which they both smiled into. A small moment of utter happiness captured and set in a frame, its contents never to escape that moment.
And yet, Brittany felt a hole in her chest, writhing, twisting, and growing endless in its depth. She tried to fill that hole with the happiness she saw in the picture but the attempt was futile. It only caused her to feel as if gravity was forcing everything in the world to cave into that bottomless pit centered at the core of her body, trying to fill it up with everything except the one thing that would make her feel whole again.
Her fingers tightly seized the fabric of her blanket and her eyes cinched shut once more. The water from her eyes continued to pour out as she buried her face into her pillow. She let out another harsh and guttural wail, muffled in the now wet fabric of her pillow.
I'll never love anyone the way I love you.
A/N: I wrote this one on the fly when a flash of inspiration hit me. I have a lot more in mind so if you all like it I'll continue. Review and let me know