You Belong to Me
Note and Disclaimer: Yep, that's always right. I and everyone else here still don't own M*A*S*H. It's just too much fun writing about Klinger, who I have missed posting about as a standalone lately. Enjoy!
Fly the ocean in a silver plane,
See the jungle when it's wet with rain.
Just remember 'til you're home again,
You belong to me…
June 5, 1953, 0300 Hours
Sitting here and doing some inane stuff has me thinking too much, especially when recent events whip up and bite me one too many times in the rear. I am so depressed, more so than I can say, and I don't know what to do other than try to listen to what Colonel Potter told me. I mean, old Klinger has had times when he's had one too many drinks or one too many times when his ego has been bruised or three too many times when people complained about his ingenuity. Today though, I can say that this is one of the worst days of my life and I can blame my own best friend for making it so too.
Laverne, the one woman I loved in my old life in Toledo and the one I have looked at from afar (since she was on the other side of town and not Lebanese), has deserted me, which I have accepted when the divorce papers were served some months ago. I mean, I can't really blame a woman waiting for a crossdressing soldier to come home and for failing to get a Section Eight wearing those same dresses. However, she now has announced to me that she is marrying my friend, what's-his-stupid-face now, and that they're happy together.
That was a low blow. I didn't expect it and have been thinking about it all night and into this very early morning, shuffling papers as I am and fiddling with a PA system that no longer works in this damned heat an near the end of the war also. My own friend, taking the woman I married and divorced, and running off with her…it's impossible to imagine the depth of my hurt. I truly, for once in my life, do not feel like myself. I just want to shoot myself in the foot, crawl into a hole and bleed to death. I am even enjoying reorganizing the filing cabinets in Colonel Potter's office and leaving the PA for the morning. Tells you how much I'm not really scheming as I normally do, although I am sometimes thinking about how to get out of Korea, the efforts hardly worthwhile. Hell, I'm not even thinking about stealing a drink out of the cabinet while everyone is sleeping!
So, there I am, sitting in misery as I start filing more Army nonsense when Soon-Lee comes into the office. Now, she's been so nice to me and I like her a lot. She's been a great friend and a good camp translator for Colonel Potter. However, even she knew what was wrong just by looking at me. She tugged at my sleeve silently, her dark eyes so innocent and brown, and motioned me to a chair. I followed her, feeling like I had no choice, and we sat side by side before Colonel Potter's desk. She took my hands into hers, so gentle and strong all at once, and smiled at me.
"Tell me a story," Soon-Lee suggested. "Tell me how you tried escaping once. Those always make me feel better."
"Aww, Soon-Lee, not now," I protested, trying to get up to go back to work.
Soon-Lee wasn't going to let me go though, keeping my hands in her tighter. "Something is…what's the word you like to say? Bothering? Yes, bothering you. I need you to be happy, Klinger. You can't be sad. Just tell me one story. It won't hurt."
I wanted to disagree, but with the way Soon-Lee was talking, she was naïve and trying to cheer me up with her innocence. So be it. I took a deep breath, wanting some dramatic flair to the new story, and let it go out in one long gasp. I thought back to when it was that beautiful spring day so long ago it seemed, when I married Laverne Esposito, the Hungarian girl I grew to love as a child and then broke away from in tears of rage. She was just as lonely was I was in Toledo, craving for attention and to stay in the city where we grew up, despite the boundaries and the family pressures placed upon us. It was love at first sight…and through radio too.
"Well, once upon a time, there was a raft," I began. "It was thought to be small at first, but then it grew to be a bigger one than previously thought…"
~00~
April 16, 1951, 2245 Hours
Now was my chance. Today had been wonderful, a warm spring day that was sure to be remembered forever. I had married the love of my life, the beautiful Laverne Esposito (now Mrs. Maxwell Q. Klinger), through shortwave radio and with Father Mulcahy officiating, the great guy that he is. Although it was nothing short of a miracle (even though I could hardly get back to Toledo thanks to Colonel Blake), it was still a great feeling to feel like a man and a married one too. She said yes. Laverne was my wonderful wife!
And it's time for the honeymoon…or so I wished. Ever since I heard, earlier in the day via letter, that I was to be married, I had been planning a little getaway boat to float away from this hell called Korea. Quickly, I raided the Supply Room, finding an emergency Navy raft left over from the last war, and took it down to the stream with some things, hiding them as I did. I knew it would take me a long time to get to the Inchon River, but it was worth a good shot as I loaded it with things I needed to take back with me to Toledo. I wasn't bringing anything special like the Klinger Collection. I thought the essentials and wearing the dress I wore to the wedding would be perfect.
After the nuptial celebrations (and with Major Burns sulking someplace else and throwing a temper tantrum about it), Captains Pierce and McIntyre, Colonel Blake and Father Mulcahy escorted me back to my tent. As the good captains teased me about my night to come, the good colonel promised me some time off if I behaved. The destination was unknown at this point, but it was good to know that the Chief of Chiefs was kind enough to offer something for me had I not thought of escaping again.
Mischief was in the air. I smelled it through that nose of mine, deeming it to be of my own doing. Waiting anxiously for everyone to disappear so that it could be managed, I picked up the only other bag I was bringing with me and snuck out of the camp, heading down to the stream to where my floating paradise awaited me. I loaded the rest of my things quickly, ensuring that my white silk gown was going to fit inside, and I used a stick to push off.
I was free! I had no restraints, limitations and regulations to follow anymore. I was a civilian once more, heading down the stream that passed the landmines around the camp, down to the river. The water got faster and faster the further I headed down into an area I didn't recognize, down woods I did not map and into territory I did not see as friendly or enemy. It was too dark to see. There were no MPs around, which was pretty unusual. There were no lights to show where camps were or where any patrols were sleeping. The Front Lines seem to be further away than I thought, since the shooting was no longer audible. Finally, when I tried taking out a compass to see if I could figure out where I was, the wind picked it up and tossed it out of my hands just as large waves crashed into my meager way to freedom.
I was lost! I could not believe it. An escape attempt running into the ground…and I was going to die in the process of it! And I would never see my beloved Toledo again.
Suddenly though, the tide seemed to slow down. Water splashed in the boat a few more times and settled down in the corners. It left me wet and trying desperately to stay afloat. However, I soon had other problems to solve before I could get my way back to Laverne and Toledo, the two loves of my life that I breathed for alone. I only had to peer ahead and think twice, deciding between my dignity and my life.
Because of all things in Korea, there was a ravine up ahead.
~00~
June 5, 1953, 0315 Hours
"And then what happened?" Soon-Lee's eyes seemed to be popping out of her skull, she was that amazed by the story.
In the meantime, I had not realized that I had stood up, so sucked into the tale I was, and was pacing, throwing my hands in the air like I was a lunatic and yelling out my woes from a couple of years ago. Soon-Lee remained sitting where she was though, wondering what happened on the night of my last wedding, and waited patiently enough for me to finish up. I didn't really want to. Leaving it there seemed appropriate. I mean, the ending wasn't that great and waking Colonel Blake up wasn't on the top of my greatest moments in Korea list. But Soon-Lee deserved the truth, just like everyone else did, even if I was embarrassed about a patrol group almost shooting me as I was and escorting me back to camp, wet and naked under a blanket.
"I had to jump to save myself," I replied, the image of the memory popping back into my mind. "I ripped apart my wedding dress and used it as a parachute. Whoever was below, which happened to be us luckily, got a good shot of me and missed, but didn't appreciate seeing the bloomers and what was underneath them."
Soon-Lee let out an uncharacteristic giggle and finally laughed loudly. Standing up as she stopped, she patted me on the shoulder reassuringly. "You feel better now?"
I had to think about that for a minute before answering, realizing that the numbness had faded away and that I was starting to feel like myself once more. "Yeah…yeah, I guess I do. Thank you, Soon-Lee."
Shockingly, that little lady got on her toes and kissed me on the cheek. "You're welcome, Klinger."
Just as Soon-Lee left, I remained standing where I was, pondering what had just happened. Although just minutes before I was wading in self-pity and thinking about how painful it was that my own friend took up my now ex-wife, it did not compare to the adventures I faced with and without Laverne. I had gone through a lot of things just to get back home and now, Toledo seemed so far away compared to the experiences I had now. I had been in Korea for almost three years now, enough to say that it could be considered a residence. I had made friends here, a family that went through the same things I did, and it was a good feeling to bond with them. And now, there was another special lady that just made me feel like a million dollars, like a man who actually was worth something. This, and for remembering who I was…and what I could become.
Here's to growing up and being a better person…because, my Soon-Lee, before this war is done, we'll be traveling the world. You belong to me.
Hey, everyone, I am back! Well, for a little bit. I do want to thank the music of the Korean War era, which was the inspiration of this song, titled also "You Belong to Me" by Jo Stafford. I also want to thank all of your for your support. Without it, I wouldn't be here today. So, this is for all of you. MUAH! XXXOOO