Shield
Tag to 7x06: Epilogue. The first time I saw the episode I was a bit taken aback by Morgan's reaction at Reid and Emily's confessions about their near-death experiences. The way he so abruptly redirected his focus to the case in front of such a moment of disclosure seemed to me a bit insensitive. Then I tried to put it into contest, according to the way I read Morgan as a man with a deep protective attitude toward his family, and it all fell into place. Not as a lack of sensibility, but as an attempt to shield his guilt when he realized that he couldn't be there for two of the most important people in his life, in such an extreme moment.
Then I read 'The darkness and the cold' written by the awesomely talented PagetFan, and I got the inspiration to write this… Hope it makes sense.
Their eyes meet for a brief second; her gaze falters and she looks away, his jaw clenches. The sting of his failure, the memory of that dark, cold warehouse and the awareness that his effort didn't succeed in bringing her to a better place in those last excruciating moments, hurt so much he wants to scream. With desperation, recrimination and guilt.
As even Reid vacillates in front of the inexplicable, and everyone seems so drawn to the revelation Emily just let out, Derek just wants to run away and hit something. For the first time the awareness he tried to keep locked away since her return, has been bared. If it was seven months of hell for him, the horror has been thousands times worse for Emily, and she's still coping with the consequences. It's an abyss of guilt that discloses under his feet.
There's only one way he knows to cope with this revelation without crumbling: focusing back to the case.
As Reid's question "Did you actually die?" prompts another wave of self-reproach and revives the horror of the loss, Derek abruptly cuts her off, shifting the attention to solid facts, causes and consequences, and unsub's profile; safe territory, things he can explain.
That's how he handles it. In the same way he tried to metabolize Emily's death seven months ago; when in the attempt to elaborate the grief and the loss, he directed his anger to a real target, a tangible chase: Ian Doyle.
He will deal with his personal aftermath later, tearing down a wall or hitting the punch bag. The golden rule being always the same: never let the guard down.
oOo
"Wanna share?" Emily leans over the doorframe of his office later. They've been back from the case since a while and the BAU is by now dark and deserted.
She noticed something's off, but she's been cautious and didn't approach him on the jet in order to avoid him closing up or worse, getting into a fight. Here though, they can have more privacy.
Morgan looks at her feigning cluelessness about her question.
"You've been avoiding me since we talked about the afterlight thing…"
"What can I tell you? You guys are all sentimental; you see bright light and inexplicable forces, whereas I just see suggestions. Our mind can play powerful tricks in stressful situations, such as a near-death experience," he discards her bitterly.
"Ok. Point taken; now you really want to tell me what's going on?" she comes to stand in his way as he approaches the door of his office.
"Emily…." He sighs in annoyance, avoiding her gaze.
"Morgan, you are pissed at me for some reason, and I'm not leaving until you talk to me" she insists crossing her arms on her chest, pointedly.
"Why should I tell you?" he jerks angrily, making her eyes widen with surprise, "You came back from who knows where as if nothing happened. You don't shed a word of where you've been or what's been going on during these months. Then all of a sudden you share that you died…. Am I supposed to swallow that and accept it silently like it was nothing?"
Her gaze drifts away and her posture is not so imposing anymore, "Derek, what I did, I did to.."
"…to protect us? Again? Walking away without a word and embarking a suicidal mission ended with you dying on a floor, in my arms, wasn't enough? You had to spend seven months of martyrdom and cope with that horror without any help... Do you really think that silencing it under a thick blanket is gonna alleviate our… my guilt?"
"No, Derek. But I do think that sharing that experience is not going to help you feeling better…"
"Being let in and allowed to help you and suffer with you if necessary is going to make me feel better," he bites out angrily.
"Why is it so important to know?" she asks desperately.
"Because, how am I supposed to protect you if I don't know what you're afraid of?"
As she sees her desperation reflected in his eyes, she can't help thinking how much she has kept buried in a far corner of her mind in order not to make him suffer, totally unaware of how much he was holding back for the very same reason. She really doesn't know whether to chuckle or to cry. She feels she doesn't know a thing and that her good intentions have started a disastrous domino effect she can't control anymore.
Her body reacts before her mind can elaborate a proper verbal answer and she finds herself in Derek's arms; her hands gripping at his shoulders and her face buried in his neck. Her panic is soothed only when she feels the tension melt out of him, and his body welcoming and sheltering hers.
"I'm sorry," she sobs.
"I'm sorry too," he tighten his hold and prays she will never let go of him.