Sorting Hat Inappropro

by alllofthewords

One-shot, canon-compatible. The Sorting Hat is frustrated (if you know what I mean) and decides to cut loose on a new class of helpless first years at the Sorting. In the Great Hall. In front of, well, everyone. Super generic, but probably Harry's 2nd year (any time he isn't at the Sorting.) And we wonder why Ginny turned out the way she did.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, the universe, or probably the plot. Some of the dirty jokes are mine, I guess.

Snape frowned and leaned forward as Professor McGonogall mirrored his movement, placing the Sorting Hat gently on the stool in the middle of the Great Hall. A regular motion was disturbing the fabric at the brim on the front of the hat, looking strangely familiar... Severus squinted, peering over the oaf Hagrid's massive hairy knuckles to try to get a better look. Good God! Was the Hat-? His train of thought was cut off as the Hat's rip opened wide and burst into song.

"Having to be the sorting hat is really quite a chore
Even though i get to sit on young student faces ga-what? Oh. Sorry, Dumbledore. *grumbles.* Ahem!"

Severus spared a quick glance down the length of the table to see Dumbledore's usually placid, benevolent face distorted into a frown, looking down his long crooked nose at the ragged Hat. He was distracted once more, however, as the Hat completed it's overly complicated vocal exercises and started once more.

"Hufflepuffs are hardworking,
They're really quite a bore
And Ravenclaws know everything
Sex positions? You whore!

Slytherins don't need their love potions
To always slither in
And Gryffindors are valiant
But rarely get it in!

You might get a little showing
From the occupants of pictures
But unless you like the chubby ones
Avoid the Fat Lady - She's bitchier!

Yes, we're a school of magic,
Work and learning, lies, conceit,
But Only God can help you
When these females are in heat!

There's a different sort of magic
In between their lips and thighs
But S and M is what you'll get
If you can't look in their eyes!

I know you're already quite horny
And you cant wait to have fun
The song is sung, the Hat has spoken
Now the Sorting has begun."

As the hat was carried off by an incensed Professor McGonagall it was clearly heard to plead for a second chance. "Hey, come on, that was just for the boys. Give me an hour and a... Hehe... Internet connection, and I promise I'll be ready for the girls in no time! Oh... No... Not those girls! Minerva! Put me down! Put me down! DUMBLEDORE!"

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AN: I'm thinking about maybe making a part 2 so there would be a girl's song (the Hat's "second chance")

Let me know what you guys think when you REVIEW. *winkwinknudgenudge* *smiles* I'll see you guys next time