Head Trip
It had been several days since the fiasco where she'd seen her partner clamoring for someone to shoot him. And not for the first time, either. Unlike that last instance however, there was no abrupt recovery; no rubber band snap back of joy's redaction, no…just no. Nothing that she found recognizable in him. Chloe sat at her office desk rubbing absently at the furrow in her forehead, trying to figure out his puzzle as she did her others.
Solemnity of voice.
Leaden eyes.
Body language so collapsed it was a wonder he remained upright as he spoke to her in the shiny lobby that could've been blood-soaked had he his way. Pinned by the shoulders to the pretense of his hollow affect; the rumpled suit an outward mien crusting the husk of persona within it.
And the end result of all that cumulating in…?
Regret?
Chloe almost hadn't thought him capable, truthfully.
But for what? As she hadn't before, she did ask. She'd been asking, actually. And that wasn't easy for her…not the mere interest; she may be many quietly fierce things but wasn't without compassion. No, letting herself open up, letting him see as perhaps he needed to more overtly that she wanted to understand more, enough to say so insistently at least.
But he'd shot her down as he'd not been. "You can't understand, Detective. And you never will." And did it matter if the delivery of his words was soft if the resulting arrow of them still twanged sharply straight to her quick?
Surprised at both his reaction and then her own, she'd spoken rapidly: trying not to add her own hurt to his. After all his pursuit and attention she was responding….and now he was the one dismissive. That stung. More than she'd thought it might. "Talk to someone, then. Before it eats you alive." She'd left soon after that, just wanting to recover in the secure (constricting) bonds of her job. The one area in her life where mayhem and inconsistency were to be expected and dealt with accordingly with rules, regulations and procedure.
As far as her other mayhem went? Yeah…bit more fluidity than she'd prefer in the snarls of divorce, move, single parenthood….other stuff.
Not so much a rubric to follow in those.
She had finished out her day dealing professionally with the case. Then Dan (difficult road still to travel there, but at least they seemed to be managing most potholes. So far). Then coming home to find her daughter and diabolical roommate curled together on the couch in front of a flick that was sure to result in juvenile nightmares.
Chloe smiled for the first time in hours as she turned off the TV and covered them up, mentally snickering at what Maze's expression might be if she'd opened her eyes to see herself being tucked in like a child. Had she any idea of what 'Maze's expression' had been earlier there would have been NO levity. Unable to sleep herself after the unshifted burden of Lucifer's disturbingly cyclic behavior, she settled paperwork and her laptop out on the kitchen counter and rewarmed a cup of tolerably rancid leftover coffee from the morning's rush. Pleased to get herself enmeshed in some tangles she at least had a chance of figuring out on her own, she jerked at a voice at her side some time later.
"You never stop, do you?"
Chloe gasped a little, knocking over her mug and immediately being glad just dregs and a few grounds were left to stain the edges of the manila folder she had open. She grabbed a dishtowel left out on the counter and blotted, scolding.
"You startled me, Maze!"
"Huh. Probably not good for a detective to be so jumpy, Decker. Very unprofessional."
"Hmph." Not going to dignify that with a verbal response. 'Professional' was one of the very few life areas the detective felt wasn't caving around her ears.
"Well?"
"Well what?" Mess cleaned, Chloe stacked and sorted her work, suddenly bone-tired despite the coffee. Must be the strain of the day coupled with the winning personality of her roommate.
"Well, how did it go? Did you salvage humanity again? LA streets safe for another few minutes until someone else screws up something else? Worth missing your offspring's candy-poaching deal for?" Maze stalked around the other side of the counter, sharp elbows planted and long fingernails ticking silently along her equally sharp jawline. She looked overly satisfied…like a cat that had swallowed the canary and found that the feathers were palatable after all.
Tempted to reflexively answer in a flip manner, Chloe just let it go with a mild sigh and eye roll. Judging by Maze's expression at least things on their weird little homefront were good, messy candy wrapper shrapnel and poor movie choices notwithstanding.
"Time with 'my child' is always missed, Maze. But I do appreciate your taking her out. Seems you survived okay even though I'm sure it wasn't your normal bag of tricks." She let a small smile escape her, imagining Trixie's unbridled enthusiasm at having her strange friend all to herself.
"You have no idea." The human really didn't, Maze thought. "But it was…okay. Better than I expected. Don't get used to me saving your ass on the daily, though. Not my role." Maze's smirk faded as she mused, 'I wish I knew exactly what that was going to be….'
Chloe gave the complex look wandering over Maze's face some studious evaluation. Just when she thought she'd pegged the woman into one pigeonhole or another, she could still be a surprise.
Ugh. More than enough surprises for one day, at least.
Chloe yawned, shrugging her shoulders at her roommate's recovery to cockily remark that 'the witching hours were the perfect time to really enjoy Halloween, and with a nap under her belt she was all set to raise some Hell'.
"Yeah, well more power to you. I've gotta get this kiddo to actual bed, and me too. Long day. Probably a longer one tomorrow." Chloe gathered her daughter off the couch, smiling as the little girl snuggled in. At least someone was glad to be near her, even if consciousness wasn't part of the deal. Maybe she'd just cuddle up with her tonight.
She turned to face Maze as she headed for the door, speaking softly as she smoothed Trixie's hair.
"Hey…"
"What now, Decker?"
"Just…" she stumbled a little on her words, not knowing exactly either how to phrase what she wanted and unsure of the response regardless.
Hand on the doorknob, Maze snapped her fingers in an exasperated 'come on now' gesture.
Chloe sighed. "Just…maybe if you're going by Lux tonight, check on Lucifer. He's not right."
"You have no idea." Again, the human really didn't. On several levels.
"I'm being serious, Maze."
"I'm sure. You're always serious. Suffocatingly so, being honest." Her tone belied her concern: she had been worried too, and Chloe's words and expression were unsettling.
"Fine. Whatever. Goodnight."
"Oh, it will be, I'm sure..." With a wicked smile and a lick of her lips Maze swept out the door, capricious expression resolving into determination as she closed it.
The demon had one last thought before she blanked her mind in anticipation of what she might find at her destination. 'Lucifer. What could possibly have gone wrong for you now?'
The thought was mirrored across town.
'What else could go wrong now?'
Lucifer could not even begin to process the additional strain this day had brought and his mind and body literally ached with the burden of it collapsing exponentially under all else. Alone in the penthouse he could dimly hear the sounds of frenetic revelry in Lux, but escape held no appeal now. He deserved pain, and it's what he focused on, amorphously so, but determined in the course of self-annihilation nonetheless.
He'd destroyed his brother.
He'd destroyed Linda.
He'd destroyed the softening he'd seen in Chloe.
He was a destroyer after all.
Why had it taken him so long to realize? It was like he'd opened his eyes for the first time to see something others always had. He'd just had to wait until his actions caught up with the flaws in his character.
Silent and still he faded into the empty dark on one of the chairs. Long legs sprawled, one elbow planted on the leather arm and heel of that hand cradling his forehead. Unlit cigarette dangling loosely as his other arm did beside the chair, trembling slightly in the quaver of his fingertips. He looked (and felt) the full disaster of one fallen from a great height.
Again.
When Maze approached him slowly he did not acknowledge her.
She sat before him, uncharacteristically talking softly but he paid her no mind. Understandable, as he felt out of his own.
Finally realizing that she would not leave unless he did speak he warned her off. Knowing him as she did his demon decided heeding him for the moment might be better for them both. As she rose to leave Maze paused at the guttural velar of his voice, initially more wary at the tone dredged through them than the words. That changed as they sank in.
"Look in on Linda for me, will you?"
Unfamiliar dread crept in to her chest and sank claws between her ribs. She could feel them tighten as she tried to catch her breath slowly, not wanting him to see her react. "Why Lucifer? Did something happen?"
"Mazikeen."
The one word was enough as he met her eyes for the first time this night. Glowing, fiery rubies meeting her own in the dark room. She simply nodded, anxious now to be on her way.
He watched her go. Leaving him. They all did, one way or another.
He settled back in. Still. Silent. Still silent. Fading.
Empty.
Friday afternoon arrived to find Chloe and Dan wrapping final details on the Halloween case and still no word from Lucifer. Maze had been uncharacteristically prickly, softening only when Trixie was around. It seemed the only person not surprised by the growing friendship was the little girl herself, but even she sensed that Maze was more off that what one could consider normal for the woman's definitive lack of same otherwise. So, when Dan asked for a whole weekend with their daughter Chloe was more than happy to acquiesce, knowing how very much she'd miss her, but feeling the need to tie up some other loose ends of her own.
"Yeah, sure…just…"
"I know, Chloe." He sat down on the edge of her desk, smiling sadly. "It's all new, even though we've been doing it for a long time, huh? Knowing it's permanent makes it feel more…"
"Permanent. Right." Her small sad smile echoed his. Their new normal. It kind of sucked, necessary though it was.
"We'll figure it out. We always do."
"Well, 'figuring stuff out' is what we get paid for, so…"
"Better us than some other poor unprepared idiots, right?"
Chloe and Dan began to smile without the tinge of sadness at each other. Failed couple. Determined parents. More effective coworkers. Perhaps even….more effective friends.
Speaking of…
Dan rose off the desk, tossing his keys in the air and catching them as he turned back. He flipped her a remark in cadence with the look, "Maybe take this time to figure out some other stuff, too."
Chloe's eyes narrowed as she thought her way through a thicket of potential replies.
Dan chuckled, and she realized she'd missed the easy sound. That real camaraderie with him. "C'mon. The last time the guy went AWOL it lasted three weeks. Try to shorten it up a bit if you can, huh? Much as I hate to say it, he's effective. Unorthodox and a prick, yeah, but effective. So…."
"So." She smiled and this time it reached her eyes as well. "How did you…?"
He tapped his temple and grinned. "I'm smart. Detective, remember? I'll go by your place and pick up Trix's stuff then her from school. Thanks for getting my key made so fast."
"Yeah. No worries. And Dan?"
"Hmm?"
"Thanks. For..."
"Yeah. No problem, Chloe. We've got this."
She watched him leave, thinking perhaps they actually did. Channeling the unexpected gust of wind through her sails she tried calling Lucifer. Again. Still nothing, despite the fact that he'd had that stupid phone practically cybernetically attached to his hand since he'd gotten it. She put her own down and pursed her mouth thoughtfully before she slapped a galvanized smile on her face like the armor she might need it to be. Chloe spent a short amount of quality time with Google, then made two more phone calls. The second one was rife with more animosity than the first before things improved. Markedly. Their last exchange of 'Okay?'/'Yeah, okay. Meet you there. Forewarned is forearmed though, Decker. Might want to take that literally.', only served to fuel her earlier determination, not actual wariness.
At least she was doing SOMEthing.
After blazing through their apartment and tossing what she needed into the car, Chloe was pleased albeit surprised to see Maze waiting outside Lux's service door for her.
"Thought I'd find you inside at the bar?"
"Not really in a celebratory mood. Sorry. Let's go. And follow my lead, all right?"
Chloe took in the determined line of her roommate's mouth, gave a non-committal reply and decided perhaps Maze was a good person to have in her corner after all. The elevator ride up to the penthouse was tense and quiet other than Maze's soft, "Let me go in first, okay?" She'd seen Lucifer only once more this week; just to put his mind at ease about Linda. She wasn't ruined; just shocked….and frankly so was the demon at what her Devil had done. The whole situation was unbelievable and still VERY messy, but not as disastrous as it could have been. Still when she'd told him, Lucifer's only reaction was to sag his shoulders further in relief and then wave her off. He'd still been in the same damn chair, and from the stagnant rumple of his suit, looked as if he hadn't moved.
The elevator doors slid open as the two inside unknowingly held their breath.
And there he still was. Same position. Same crumple of clothes, person and persona.
Maze slid her right hand back to keep Chloe behind her, but twirled her wrist in a 'stay close' gesture as she moved forward purposely. Cop instincts on full alert, Chloe followed. Seeing. Really seeing him.
Oh my god. Worse than she'd thought.
He barely twitched as Maze snapped at him, "All right, Goldilocks. Up. Now. Shower. NOW." She strode over to him and slapped her hand down on the arm of the chair in front of his elbow. That got a reaction, and as he slowly began to look up at her the demon could sense before she saw the flare in his eyes. Faster than thought she whipped her mouth down to his ear, using her body to block his face from the human behind her.
Whispering hotly, "You have company other than me, Lucifer. And unless you want yet another mess for me to deal with, rein it in. Now."
In an instant his glazed eyes were brown again and Maze took advantage of his shock and exhaustion to roughly pull him up to his feet. She jerked her head savagely at the stained glass partition. "His ridiculously voluminous closet's in there, Decker. Get what you need." Steering him by his elbow she stalked them past the incredulous human and it was a testament to how spent he was that she got him all the way into his bathroom and his jacket off before he reacted.
Lucifer shook his arm roughly out of her grasp and angrily flattened her against the glass of the shower wall with his hand splayed across her chest. Maze smiled cunningly, licking the side of her mouth. "Oh, want to play a little first, do you? Been awhile. Sure you're up to it? I can be…" she leaned against his hand and writhed seductively "…a little assertive. Don't know if you can manage me at the moment."
He gaped.
"No. Sure doesn't look like it. Gone soft."
Her barb stung, but far less than anything else had for weeks and Lucifer dropped his hand in torpid disgust.
He leaned wearily against the sink counter, watching as she wrenched both faucet knobs as far as they would go. Water rained down from the top and sides of the wide enclosure and began to fill the room with steam as he finally spoke. "What do you want, Maze?"
"Not to play babysitter, that's for sure. Fortunately someone else does."
"What?"
"That obtuse human out there. The one you didn't scare Hell out of. Or into. Whatever. Apparently she's determined to be a friend. To both of us." As she talked the demon finished stripping him down and thrust him under the water.
Maze sat on the bench just outside the shower in silence as Lucifer let the unexpected flood wash over him, both of them just listening to the fluid sound of the artificial rain landing on the tile and glass. Soothing, actually.
Finally some words from under the water. "You said 'both'. What do you mean?"
Maze sighed, knowing this was difficult. "You've got a lot on your proverbial plate. I'm aware. But so do some others, Lucifer, and…." She let her voice fall away, but he understood. She was dealing with Linda for him. Difficult enough considering their own friendship and the therapist's new understanding of Maze, too. And Amenadiel; and he not just with Uriel's death, but loss of his power and those deadly ramifications, too. And their mother…her involvement still so strange.
And despite what he'd said and their fluctuating relationship, he knew Maze worried about him, much as she hated it sometimes. Bracing himself against the wall, the Devil closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. His life was a wreck: did it really matter where he was or who with? No.
Fine.
He cut the water off abruptly and just held out a hand. A soft towel dropped into it in contrast to the sharp voice crackling over the tiles. "Can you handle drying yourself off or do I need to do that for you, too?"
"No."
"Good." The echoing voice was slightly softer, but still steel-edged. If Lucifer had felt more himself he would have taken her to task redefining relationship or no, but he just simply didn't care.
What was the point? It never ended well, caring.
And maybe with Chloe around he could conceivably do himself some irrevocable harm and it was this morbid thought that fueled him enough to wave Maze out, get dried and wander into his bedroom with a low-slung towel wrapped around his hips.
The human Chloe Decker and the demon Mazikeen, both enigmas unto themselves were just fastening up the small Rimowa he kept for short excursions. He never bothered with anything more; always just purchasing what he needed wherever he was.
And right now, he couldn't give the flying fig leaf right off Adam's creepily anemic crotch. About any of it.
"Are you going to allow me some privacy or are you expecting a show? Hate to say, I don't feel up for much of a performance, Detective."
Dry and listless as it was, Chloe warmed to finally hear his voice. She and Maze cut eyes at each other, then she spoke using the same tone the demon had earlier. "I'll be waiting outside when you're ready, Lucifer. Don't dawdle." Spinning on her heel, she took the handle of the tote, left the room and the hellions heard the elevator doors open, then hush shut.
"Well then."
"Well, what?"
"Well, what do I wear, Maze? From the looks of things I'm not merely going out on the town, hateful as all of this sounds."
"Something warmer."
"I should just probably GO somewhere warmer."
She scoffed. "As if you had any way you could get there now."
Lucifer allowed a small quirk to pass over his eyebrows; clearly the newly minted Team Chlaze hadn't spent too much time pillaging his closet.
"Fine. Out. And I'll be out in a minute. Out of this room, out of your hair, further out of my mind…."
"Just…Lucifer." She sighed, flipping her hands up then slapping them back down on her legs before she turned to stalk off.
He dressed quickly and the two hellions rode his elevator down in silence. The same silence that they met Chloe with as she stood in front of her open passenger door. Sharing a quick look with Maze she strode around the front of the car as the Devil's demon pushed him in and handed him the buckle to the seat belt. He looked at her with the same mild disgust but at the leveling fury in her gaze sighed, took it and fastened himself in as Maze slammed the door. Chloe gave him a cursory glance, both concerned and a little surprised it had been this easy thus far. He was just…not there even though she could reach out and touch him. She buckled her own seat belt and as they pulled out into the maw of carnivorous LA traffic tried to chip away at his shell.
"Do you want to know where we're going?"
Silence.
"It's a place my dad used to take me. He was always more down to earth than my mom, shocker, right?" She chuckled a bit here. "Sometimes it was nice to get some grounding away from the glitzy LA haze, I guess."
Still silent.
She took the opportunity at the last red light before the freeway to really look him over. Lucifer had his right elbow folded up along the seam between window and doorframe and was leaning his cheek into the back of his curled hand, staring vacantly out the window. Chloe was positive that even under oath and 'his word as bond' he'd be hard pressed to say what was just outside the glass if asked. His hair, still damp from the shower curled slightly and despite the thicker stubble from apparent days' worth of not grooming he looked unfamiliar enough already without either airs or anger. The seatbelt cut cruelly across his neck in this position and she leaned over to fix it. He brushed her off, a little harshly.
"Don't trouble yourself over my comfort. I'm not a child, Detective. Older than you, by far." Bark of a laugh bare of joy. "And besides, I already have a mother." Still. But what that took…
Maybe true, but oh how he looked like one. A child. A lost, hollow-cheeked and hollower-eyed child. It hurt her to see him as he was. And why?
"Lucifer. What happened?"
Nothing.
"You know you can talk to me."
Finally a response, but Chloe wouldn't consider it to be opening up. Not exactly.
"On the contrary Detective, there are many things I'm finding that I know nothing about. You're just one on the list."
As traffic began to move once more she tried to engage him again but after a few futile efforts he just muttered, "You have what you want, prisoner here that I am. But I'll not play along as I tire of games. Stakes are too high for me anymore." With that, Lucifer reclined the seat and closed his crossed arms over his face.
Effectively shut out, shaking her head and resigning herself to his shunning for the moment, Chloe reached out to the dash. As the first notes hit the air Lucifer uncoiled violently, slamming his near hand down savagely on the console.
"NO! No music! Not now, not ever, hear me?"
The eruption of silence that followed was deafening. Chloe was shocked. And frightened. Not of him. For him. Her right hand came up involuntarily and he saw it out of the corner of his eye.
She thought he was going to strike her, too. He really was a monster.
Sickened with disgust, Lucifer lay back once more and shifted his body so he was facing away from her. He bit into his lower lip until he tasted blood (proximity for this little punishment: good.) and curled himself as small as he could get as far away from her as the space would allow. Chloe listened to the raggedness of his breathing as her hand remained aloft, wanting to touch just to soothe him a little, but being unsure of his reaction.
She finally brought it back down to the steering wheel and focused instead on navigating the journey ahead. Both of them. After a long time (she'd almost thought he'd gone to sleep; which would have been a relief, really) a low voice came from the other side of the sedan.
"My sincere apologies. I'd not hurt you. Never purposefully." He did mean this, but he hadn't meant to hurt Linda either, and yet look what happened. Nor Uriel…and…
He could barely hear her soft words as he swallowed thickly.
"I know that, Lucifer. It's okay."
"It most certainly is not." 'And never can be, given what I've done'.
Chloe had no adequate response for the self-loathing she heard in his voice and decided to remain quiet as he seemed to want. Hoping she wasn't in over her head but her resolve strengthened nonetheless. After a scant few hours (not bad considering it was a Friday and many others were escaping to the mountains on this late-fall weekend) they were finally getting close. She slowed the car to crunch over gravel and bump through the sort of mud-pocked divots that seemed intrinsic to seedy gas station slash convenience stores regardless of locale in rural America. Her hope that he'd managed to fall into much needed sleep seemed for naught as he did not move at all during her navigation to the pumps. She'd had far too much experience with her own child not to recognize fake slumber when she saw it, but some things (many, apparently) were out of her hands to manage. She pulled up to the gas pump her discerning eye deemed least likely to explode and stopped the car to refill. If Lucifer proved too much for her, or himself she wanted to be able to leave as quickly as necessary. Leaning her back on the cool metal of the frame she could feel him watching through the glass but gave him privacy to decide for himself if he was going to 'wake up' or not. Just as the pump was making threateningly angry clicks of "full tank", she saw his door crack open. Progress.
"Detective?"
"What?"
"We've arrived, then?"
"No. Not unless you want to hang out here. Looks not even close to your taste level, though." She had to stifle a giggle at the lace of repugnance patterning his eyebrows before his face fell back into the haunted look she'd become newly accustomed to. It hit her somewhere below the sternum with a wallop of sadness.
"Then…?"
"Gas." She waved a very Vanna White-esque hand under the pump handle in her other. "And some staples."
Once again, lightening flicker of domestic loathing went streaking through his eyes. Chloe sighed indulgently. Petulance even in despair it seemed. "Don't worry, your precious stomach is safe, although one would think not to hear too many complaints from a guy who's been snacking like a pre-menstrual 'roid failure of a gelatin-wrestler lately. Are you coming in with me?"
"Feh. NO. And I beg your pardon, but many humans eat poorly under stress." Haughty tone intact, at least for a few syllables…but as always he sounded like he wasn't including himself. Deciding some issues were too large to broach considering the current situation Chloe acted as she would for her own child. "Well – two choices – come in with me and help pick, or take what I get without complaint. Up to you."
"Go on, then. I trust you."
She saw him blanch at his own words before he ducked his head back in and shut the door firmly. She turned to replace the foul-smelling pump in the holder, unfortunately certain it wasn't the leaking fumes from the cracked flange that were suddenly making her eyes prickle with tears. How was it possible to be rapid-fire amused, frustrated and devastated by one person so completely? Rat bastard of a friend.
Giving her mental panties a hike before side stepping some questionable-looking puddles on the way in Chloe made quick work of her shopping to round out what she had waiting in the cooler. She tried to smile convincingly at the dentition-liberated clerk and figured it was good practice in emotional concealment for the one waiting in the car. Parcels loaded in the backseat with Lucifer's case the rest of the trip was relatively quick. It was a shame darkness had fallen already as the winding roads through these foothills in the San Gabriel Mountains were really beautiful. She said as much to Lucifer and while he was still quiet she did feel as if he was listening rather than merely being absently sullen.
"Like I said…my dad used to bring me up here. We'd hike, and camp - Jesus Lucifer, get that look off your face; I got an Air BnB rental - and just generally regroup ourselves. I thought it might be a good idea. I've had stuff, you've had stuff….just…you know. Get away. Escape for a bit."
Soft voice from her right. "I tried that. It's what LA was supposed to be for me. Not so much though. Seems one can't truly 'escape' no matter how much effort's put in."
She reached over reflexively to pat his knee before she remembered how tetchy he'd been, but he tolerated it well enough. "It's just a breather, Lucifer. That's all. So just try and relax, okay?"
Silence.
"OKAY?"
"Okay, Detective!" Sotto voce, 'so bloody demanding.'
Chloe grinned. He might not be close to himself yet, but hearing his little epithets return gave her hope for at least a sarcastic 'really darling' or mildly lecherous comment before the night was through.
Her hopes for more standard 'luciferness' were short lived when he helped her get the cooler and their gear inside. She'd just finished banking the fire in the woodstove to stave the chill when she heard him ask where the bedrooms were. When informed it was just the one upstairs in the loft she saw him hedge, but quickly assured him that the couch downstairs folded out and she was fine with it.
"You seem to need your privacy. Go. It's okay, really." The look of relief on his face as he finally gave her a quick direct glance was thanks enough. She sat for a long time in front of the crackling stove, tea and book both ignored in favor of roiling thoughts. She would up falling asleep that way, half propped up on pillows and wadded in mismatched throw quilts. Lucifer tossed and turned restlessly for more than a few reasons before he got up to get a drink of uncharacteristic water and stole a peek over the railing down at her on the way back to bed.
His expression softened. Now she was the one who looked like a child; she'd undone her standard ponytail and the waves fanned and knotted around her shoulders. With flickers of dark blonde lashes driven by dreams the soft glow from the open stove struck tiny fanged shadows over her cheeks. Chloe unguarded looked a strange combination of delicate and dangerous and it confounded him as it always had. She didn't know what she meant to him; couldn't possibly fathom.
How could she when he himself did not?
And yet what he'd done to preserve her...yes and his mother, too, desperate for the chance to have more with of both of them. To understand.
Desperate enough it seemed to become the monster everyone, estranged family included, always thought he was.
'You were right about me after all, Father. I hope that gall burns you as much as it does me. As much as I did as I Fell. Made to be beautiful but alas, only the foul beast inside and out here now. Take me on then, punish me as I deserve, and save your good-for-nothing son his trouble in discovery's efficacy.'
No response. Never was. Heaven's grace silent as always to him. Not deserving of even bitter acknowledgement and how bitter indeed must his father be. How very sad as well to have not one, but two children rent from him. Three if Amenadiel counted in the mix, though Lucifer held out hope for his brother he did not share for himself, not that he'd ever say so aloud.
The heart he'd never thought much of lay fragmented within his chest, cutting him bloody on the razor edged pieces. And for once, there was no rebellion, no escape possible. Just to endure endlessly, he supposed. As he was endless himself. Unless…
Following dark thoughts Lucifer finally tracked them far enough into the briars of his mind to be snagged by sleep.
Chloe woke first, slightly stiff from her tilt off an overstuffed pillow and one sock foot precariously close to knocking cold tea into the woven rug. She pushed her hair out of her face, yawned and stretched. Rising to fold the blankets and put the pillows back on the untried couch she smiled despite herself as she walked over to the sweeping glass windows of the A-frame. She loved it up here. Quiet. Calm. Architecture of natural topography instead of the concrete jungle of LA, although some residents of both could be quite dangerous. She remembered how much she'd looked forward to these excursions with her dad and was so glad that she and Dan had continued them with Trixie. She'd been hoping this little jaunt would be twofold beneficial: one, Lucifer could unwind enough to either relax or loosen up sufficiently to talk to her and two, that SHE could chill out enough to be of some help. Not just to him, but for herself as well. For someone who found it a lifelong trial to get genuinely close to others, this person had inconveniently weaseled his way well into her inner circle in an astoundingly brief amount of time. And she needed him to be okay so she could be as well.
An inconvenient truth indeed. Al Gore would be so proud.
Chuckling wryly, Chloe turned the gas on under the teakettle (for as avid of a coffee drinker as she as normally, mountains and tea were synonymous), remembering to take the whistle tip off in case Lucifer was still asleep. It was very quiet up there, so yeah, either that or he'd stolen her car to escape. She decided to creep up the narrow steps to peek.
What she saw melted the shell of her hard cop heart. Like her, he'd fallen asleep in his clothes. He was laid out on his belly on top of the comforter, one long leg drawn up, an arm wrapped around a pillow and face tucked almost under his shoulder like horizontally sleeping heron. His hair had dried in indignant waves and the crisp white linens were nearly a match for how pale his skin was under the hum of thick fuzz on his hollow cheeks. Discolored, almost bruised-looking circles remained under those ridiculously preposterous eyelashes. He looked friable, for lack of a better word. As if it was through sheer force of will that he was held together now.
'What happenedto you, Lucifer?' It was barely more than a breath but his eye popped open as he startled awake, fists clenching in the blankets. She sat down quickly beside him and stroked small circles between his shoulderblades; the unconsciously quick act of a mother to soothe a frightened child. Careful not to move over where she knew the scars lay. Another painful mystery to contemplate in her mental Lucifer WTF file.
"Sorry; didn't mean to gork you. It can be weird to wake up in a strange place. Good morning."
"And to you." Lucifer closed his eyes again, relaxing for a moment under her touch until he remembered that of all the things he deserved, comfort wasn't one of them. He shuffled away out from under her hand, rising on his palms to arch his back in a languid stretch, hoping he looked more at ease than he was. She was really trying here; he could sense it…but he hadn't the heart to tell her he wanted nothing to do with consolation in any form. No, she needed to be back on her guard. He found relief in the structure of his partner's normal benign condescension and it was all the succor he'd allow himself all the moment. Cue fluent flippancy….and…go.
"You know, I'm rather finding all this fresh mountain air to be quite 'invigorating' as it were, so unless your intention is to rub more than my back, you'd allow me some few minutes to get myself properly together, Detective? Feel free to object of course." Said with a purr well-worthy of each fictionally lustrous hair on Bagheera's sable coat.
Yes, well done. Chloe reacted like someone had dropped a plugged-in hairdryer in her bathwater: all blush, flush and jerky stammers of words and limbs.
"See you downstairs then." He smiled sweetly and began to rise off the bed. His movement was all she needed to bolt down the steps so quickly he was afraid she'd tumble, but it was quite hard to repress a snigger at her blundering exit. Nothing else was, hard that is; seemed stress effected more than one appetite. 'More blandly mortal every passing day – perhaps opting out'll be easier than I thought.' Like many seriously contemplating at least the idea of suicide if not actively planning for it yet, Lucifer found relief in just entertaining the thought, and oddly enough – it made acting more what Chloe had come to expect as his norm somewhat easier.
He joined her downstairs shortly and by the tight set of her jaw and faint flush still on her cheeks it was clear that she was determined NOT to mention anything untoward. Nor to molly coddle him either, and that suited the Devil just fine.
"So, what's in the icebox for brekkie?"
Refusing to let him off so easily for his poor behavior she simply snarked at him. "Well, why don't you look? You seem to be just fantastic at sneaking into people's kitchens and making due. Knock yourself out, why don't you?"
He grinned wolfishly at her, all sharp teeth and parenthetical smile lines. "With pleasure, darling."
Chloe rolled her eyes as was her long habit with him, but secretly pleased her idea behind the trip seemed to be working and let a smile crimp one corner of her mouth as well. Lucifer let his own fade as he turned his back to fuss with eggs and bacon over the stovetop, turning up the wattage underneath it when she brought a mug of tea over for him.
"Anything else for…"
"No."
"I haven't even finished my…"
"Still no. Don't bother asking. I didn't pack alcohol."
"Bloody roughing it indeed." But the huff was mild as he brought their plates over to the narrow counter between the small galley kitchen and the rest of the open-concept room. For a while they sat in marginally contented silence and ate, looking out at the brightening morning. It was fairly early as they'd gone to bed (or 'floor' in Chloe's case) early as well.
After they'd finished Chloe took the plates over to the sink as Lucifer had informed her he was all about 'tit for tat' unless of course she had a more concrete example of same she'd like to share with him. She shook her head. He really was like a kid sometimes. Intelligent, astute and charming when it suited him yes, but labile as well. Argumentative. Aggressive, even. And downright raunchy on whim besides.
Her brow puckered as she scrubbed…what was it he'd said some weeks back? 'No one arrives broken'? Arrives where? She'd seen evil in her line of work, truly inherent evil, not just people grown warped from their own abusive histories. And broken then from what? Flawed from the start? Like her partner thought he was? She sighed softly, missing his question over the noise of her own thoughts and the running water.
"Sorry, what?"
His turn to sigh. "I asked what your plan is to recondition me into whatever passes for proper behavior, Detective."
"Lucifer, that's not just what this…"
"Nope, have at; can't have you feeling it's all wasted effort." This was true. Whatever happened, he did not want her holding herself responsible for his actions. "So come, come – what's on the docket of the lovely Doctor Decker, then?"
The tiny slip in his words he hoped she'd not noticed rang a bell for her.
She came back to the table, sipping her tea and looking over the rim of her mug at him. He recognized the intensity flaring in the deep pools of her eyes…she was getting ready to switch into 'interrogation mode'. Well, no dice.
He was already rising to move away with his own mug as she asked if he'd spoken to Linda. Back toward her he kept his voice light as he answered that yes, he had indeed and was his partner overstepping her bounds by trying to break bonds of doctor/patient confidentiality?
"Come ON, Lucifer. You're usually an open book. I don't even care that it's not me you're talking to…well…maybe I do a little." She stopped to take a long breath here, both of them surprised by the frankness of her admission. "I just want to know that you're working it through with someone."
"Whatever do you mean?"
"You're kidding, right? Even Maze has been agitated more than her norm lately."
"Really now? And so, pray tell, why haven't you absconded with her rather than subjecting ME to all this undivided attention?" He knew his tone was growing sharp, but she was treading on ground rife with more faults than the San Andreas fractioning delayed mayhem underneath them. And potentially far more devastating.
"At least I see Maze at home. And she answers my calls. And she doesn't look as if she's going to shred into pieces in the next mildly assertive gust of wind!"
He spun back to her, mug and brows lowering. "You certainly aren't implying weakness in me are you, Detective? I assure you, I've strength enough to accomplish the unconscionable." 'And have', he thought.
"No! I'm not calling you weak! And I'm not either!" Chloe threw up her hands in irritation; putting him on the defensive was not how she wanted to move forward on this. She lowered her hands, then her voice. Both deliberately and slowly. "I'm simply saying, you don't have to be a fortress unto yourself. I might be able to help. You can trust me – you told me so yourself, yesterday. Of course I thought that was ground we'd already covered, but…" she let a little levity seep in, hoping the squall line she saw developing in his face would dissipate.
"So I did, with the unspoken caveat of that insofar as you're capable of understanding yourself." Linda had thought so too, and look where THAT got nearly got her. He'd not risk himself with Chloe after that horrific upset, and if his true self was off the table, how could be possibly tell her anything else? Any of his other horrors lurking just beneath the surface? He couldn't. It was an impossible burden to foist upon someone who could not be prepared adequately. And he didn't deserve the comfort anyway.
Chloe saw his expression close in and his walls snap up. Her shoulders sagged in defeat – so close.
From behind his newly reinforced barriers Lucifer parodied her earlier levity with a forlornly mocking echo. "So? Still haven't told me the plan of the day. Does it require more or less layering; you know I'm partial to the idea of the latter, dear."
She sighed. At least he wasn't simply hiding in silence any more although the noise of these words shielded him just as much as his quiet did. "Hope you like nature walks, Lucifer. Go get your boots on."
Despite everything, this was rather pleasant he'd thought. He'd always enjoyed stalking about the streets of LA, enveloping himself in the pure sensory-ness of it all. This was the same yet different too, more apt as he appreciated the quiet outside to offset the miasma of noise in his head. The little cabin was just a short walk down the road from one of the many trails cobwebbing the mountains and as their spot was removed from the main junctions so far they hadn't seen anyone else. He watched as Chloe swept along in front of him carried by the current of her thoughts; standard ponytail tying the dappling sunlit toffee of her hair, CamelBak pack holding a definitive lack of alcohol and determined 'cop walk' in full effect. He recognized the whole familiar package: she was 'going someplace' in her head and her body was just the shell carrying that agile mind. For once, he hoped not too much so. 'Careful what you wish for': he found these humans and their trite words annoying sometimes, but clichés were so for a reason he supposed. He'd wanted her to see him, know him for most of the time they'd been together: now he just wanted to hide and he was afraid she wouldn't let him. Brought to mind another threadbare cliché: timing is everything.
"What did you say?"
"Hmm?" Lucifer looked up from the ground in front of his feet just before he ran into where she'd stopped abruptly.
"You said something. What?"
Great. Now prattling on aloud unnoticed. Perhaps he really was going fully mad after all.
"Nothing, Detective. Just enjoying my stint in the great outdoors. All the comforts of homelessness and none of the pesky attributes that make life worth living. You know, inebrietive substances legal and otherwise, decent food, indecent entertainment…"
"Oh, shut up. You don't look too bad off." She scanned him: he didn't really. Better than yesterday, that was for certain. Did look different scruffed up a bit, though. She'd been surprised as she raked through his closet to find items other than suits far more expensive than she'd expected to see in close proximity as often as she did. He was wearing one of the sweaters she'd culled; a subtle V-neck herringbone weave of grey and black over charcoal chinos. A pair of black Danners that looked like they were capable of serious ass-kicking completed the Lucifer Goes Native ensemble. He did trend toward the more monochromatic end of the spectrum even in casual clothes, but it suited him. Lucifer dressed down still cut a sharp figure, and she felt a little worn around the edges in her trusty Merrells, plaid flannel and jeans.
He thought she looked beautiful.
Capable.
Strong.
As he wished he felt, rather than….
No, enough with the introspection nonsense. He'd had days (eons, really) of it, and look where that had gotten him. Nowhere good. Clearing his throat abrasively he leaned over toward her with his hands clasped behind his back and gently mocked her. "Take a picture, Detective. It lasts longer. Give you something delicious to remember me by in that lonely bed of yours."
She felt her embarrassed blush come to a screeching halt mid-way up her cheeks. Chloe got real serious real quick and leaned right back at him, warning finger held up in admonishment as she hissed. "You're not going anywhere, Lucifer."
"That might not be up to you, my dear. Or me either, being honest." He was still surprised the bolt of oblivion he'd been expecting to rain down upon him as he glanced fearfully to Heaven over Uriel's body hadn't struck yet. What could his father possibly be waiting for? He knew what he deserved, and supposed fraying away his son's slender grip on sanity was just part of the relative calm before the storm of his father's righteous fury. Well why not? Vicious merit given where it was due. Thanks ever so, Dad.
Chloe narrowed her eyes, aqua sparks snapping harder in the vise of their stare. "Not if I have anything to say about it. Now, stop being so melodramatic and come on. We're almost there." She turned abruptly, dragging him with until she felt him moving better on his own.
He ducked his head so she wouldn't see his smirk if she turned back 'round. Little human, manhandling the Devil himself and going to stand up to God. Good luck with that. He did admire the spirit though, foolish as it may be.
A few more minutes up the trail led to quite an impressive overlook and a huge flattened crag to enjoy it upon. After Chloe had checked no snakes were warming themselves nearby she sat, pulled the pack from her back and started to dole out the water and food inside. Lucifer was simply meandering about and she paid him little mind until she felt the quiet thicken. She looked over and he was standing close to the edge, hands in his pockets, looking down.
For a spit second she didn't know whether to acknowledge where he was or what he might be contemplating and decided instantly that actions spoke louder than words. She gathered up the few items in front of her, walked straight to where he was standing and plunked herself down, feet dangling over the edge.
He startled a bit to see her there, and then could only smile as she asked if planned to eat standing up. Taking the proffered sandwich from her outstretched hand he folded himself slowly to sit beside her, legs dangling the exact same way.
'Good call, Chloe' she thought to herself, hiding the smile in the first big bite. She fleetingly let herself be aware of how frightened she'd been if she was thinking of herself in the third person, then let that spent thought fly into the void before them.
"Pretty cool, huh?" she asked as they ate. "I remember the first time I saw this; my Dad said it was his favorite spot as a kid and I was eleven years old just like he was his first trip out here."
"You don't talk a lot about him. I mean, not since the first time in Lux. Why is that?"
Chloe swallowed hard, looking down at her lap. "I don't know, really. Few reasons I guess. I love him. Miss him. We had an…'understanding' I suppose is a good word…that my Mom and I don't, though I love her too, crazy as she makes me."
"Penny is simply delightful."
Chloe let a peal of laughter echo out into the valley below as the total disdain in his tone; she knew well how he felt about her mother. She also knew he was doing it on purpose to lighten her up…and it was appreciated. This was the Lucifer she felt closest too; the one using all those uncannily keen instincts in a benign way. He was watching her out of the corner of his eye as he pulled a long draught from his water bottle and she saw he was pleased with himself.
She slapped a gentle backhand on his shoulder. "Yes, my mom is very much herself. Like some other people I know." Through her side-eye she saw his grin crack wider. 'But my dad and me…it was just easier, I guess. Less effort to understand and be understood. It seems all a lot of people do is spend time focused on 'trying to understand' each other without actually enjoying the living part of life with each other. Stuff you can do and experience more of if you're not always stuck in your own head, or tangled up in someone else's. Like this." She waved a graceful hand out over the view.
"And after he was gone, he was just….gone. Nothing new to share, but I still had - have - a young lifetime of memories no one can ever take away. Unless you know, Huntington's.
"Or Alzheimer's." He wished for that mental oblivion himself sometimes.
"Dementia in general."
"Blackout drinking always a possibility. You know, if genetic fallacy doesn't come to the rescue."
"Didn't work for you though, did it?"
It was uncanny how deftly she was able to crack him open. Unexpected. Harsh, even. But still truth, and truth he could manage. Sometimes. He took a deep breath and blew it out between pursed lips.
"No. It has not despite my best efforts lately."
"Mm."
They sat for a little while in companionable silence, eating and enjoying the view. As they packed up the few items left over and Lucifer insisted it was his turn to carry the pack, Chloe cheerfully berated him that he'd waited to take his turn after it was lighter before she threw another wrench into his works.
"You sort of talk about your family. Sort of…" She watched his brows lower and his dark eyes slide away from hers. She took a quick mental breath 'careful now, Chloe' – shit, there was that tell-tale third person bit again. She followed it up with a real breath and quickly continued, "…lot of history there, yeah – of whatever kind – don't want to get into *all that*…"
('good' was his quick thought. 'me either and I don't intend to.')
"…but you have good memories, too, right? I mean, someone as lighthearted as you can be wasn't made in a vacuum. So…"
"So what, Detective?" But he saw where she was steering him, and could have nearly cried for the relief that path - transient yes, but still real - offered.
"So, tell me some good stuff."
"All right, then. Since you asked."
So, one the way back to the cabin, Lucifer led the way down the path she'd shown him, both paths if he was being accurate, and delighted in the sound of her laughter at some of his funnier anecdotes. He kept descriptions deliberately vague but she heard the genuine affection, young myopic angst and general Tom-Sawyer/Huck-Finn-lovechild-uproar he'd been capable of and shared with his family before his Fall.
Before it had all gone to Hell, handbasket not included with himself at the helm.
As they arrived back, clomping heavily up the bowed wooden steps to sit and remove their boots Lucifer felt drained, but for the first time in quite a while, in a better way. He'd allowed himself to remember and speak of his family, Uriel too though no names were mentioned, and it wasn't as painful as he'd feared. Hard, yes. Challenging, certainly. Was he 'fixed'? No. Was he out of the woods, proverbial or otherwise? 'No' to that as well. However. He looked up at the late afternoon light sifting through the trees and found it difficult to dig out the seedling of hope he felt trying to bloom in the salted ground of his despair.
It would probably all still go badly in the end, but at least he'd been given a reprieve. From the unlikely person now using mild profanity as she dug an errant thorn out of her wool sock.
And his father had allowed her the space to do it.
Well, then. Wasn't that a thought?
Chloe leaned in to his shoulder briefly and gently jostled him. "Penny?"
"Where? About time we had something decent to eat and I'm sure a woman capable of such refinement as your mother is wouldn't stoop so as to suffer peanut butter and banana on wheat quietly."
She jostled him harder, laughing. "No, you ass. For your thoughts."
"Don't carry denominations that small, Detective. Never have: never will."
She rolled her eyes in that way she had that made him feel like himself again, even if he wasn't. Yet.
Yet indeed, then. Interesting…..
Chloe stretched her arms back and leaned her weight on the rough wood. It felt good under her hands. Weathered, but strong. Worth the risk of splinters to have it be part of the whole experience.
She chuckled a little to herself, thinking self-eval was perhaps overrated ALL the time. "So."
"So."
"What do you want to do now?"
"Loaded question, that is."
She didn't bother to dignify it with an answer, just elbowed him sharply and tried to avoid getting her eyeballs trapped backwards in the twirls she was sending them into.
He was quiet for a time, then spoke softly, and it sounded like him again. Him as he needed to be now, not as he wanted. But it was a distinct improvement and that was enough for her.
"I think, no offense to your earthy wiles intended, that I'd like to go home now. I've got some things needing attention and perhaps can do that more properly. You know, at least until I spiral into my usual rage and debauchery once again."
"Mm. That's fine Lucifer, if that's what you want."
He looked over at her, really looked and she heard the question behind the obvious one in his voice as he asked, "Are you disappointed, Detective?"
She gave him the same look. "No. No, I'm not."
Inside the shatters of his chest, Lucifer felt that spindly little plant extend its taproot just a little further. Just a little deeper where his heart's blood had rinsed some of the hard salt rime away, nourishing the empty ground of it and he smiled.
"Good enough for me, then."
When she heard him add surreptitiously 'for now', Chloe smiled, too.