CyborgGarfield's Red Dwarf

Fan Fiction # 3:

Red Dwarf - (Hog)Warts and All.

"Warning, There's another Cross-Over Warning going on! It's still going on!"

Three Million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf.

It's crew:

Dave Lister: The last human being alive.

Arnold Rimmer: A hologram of Lister's dead bunk mate.

The android named Kryten that they picked up in deep space.

And the creature that evolved from Frankenstein, the ship's cat.

Message ends…

Additional:

It's astounding, time is fleeting
Madness takes its toll
But listen closely, not for very much longer
I've got to keep control…

Sorry, I've just been going through some old movie vids and I just can get that song out of my head!

Dave Lister, the last human being alive in the universe (but only, it seems, in this particular reality or dimension) was sitting on his bunk looking at a photo of his twins. He missed them really badly. He didn't miss the pain he had to go through to give birth to them, he didn't miss the commotion they caused when they were still on his version of Red Dwarf and he certainly didn't miss having to be responsible for them 24/7. But Jim and Bexley were on his mind more and more lately and he really wanted to see them.

He sat up quickly and smacked his head on the top of the bunk. "Smeg! That really hurt" he said, the photo still in his hand.

"Holly" he shouted. "Are you there Holly?"

The face of the Hologrammatic Artificially Intelligent Computer with an IQ of 6000 that controlled the comings and goings of Red Dwarf came up on the vid screen and said "its 9pm ship time Dave."

People always thought 6000 seemed like a fairly large IQ, even for a computer. But Holly always had an answer for them; he would merely say "6000 isn't really a large IQ. It's just the same IQ as 12,000 football umpires."

"I didn't ask you what the smeggin' time was Holly."

"Are you sure, I could have sworn you said 'Holly what's the time?'"

"No" said Lister, turning his head to its side and looking confused. "I just asked if you were there."

"Well, obviously I'm here, Dave. I'm always here! Where the heck do you think I would be, on the bog?"

"You're in a rather smug-git kind of mood aren't you Holl, what's wrong?"

'Nothing Dave, I'm fine."

"C'mon, Holl, I always know when you're in one of your weird smeggin' moods."

"How" said the AI with his own version of confusion written on his face.

"It's easy; you always answer our calls to you with the ship's time, and we never ask you that particular question."

"Why not?" asked Holly.

"Because you never give us the right smeggin' time, that's why!"

"That's slander that is! I'll have you know my atomic clock is accurate to within, ooh, lets see, 3 or 4 hours."

"That's not what I would call accurate, Holl."

"Well excuse me for living" said Holly as he poked his tongue out and blew Lister a raspberry.

"Thanks for nothing, Holl."

"So what was it you wanted, Dave, if it wasn't the time?"

"I want to visit my kids" said the only person ever to get his money back from the Odour Eater people.

"Why" asked Holly. "Those little buggers were a bigger pain in posterior than the Cat is. At least when he made one of my systems go haywire, it was an accident."

"I just want to see them Holl. There my own flesh and blood, I gave birth to them, I want to see them."

"Alright, I'll get the skutters to get the Holly Hop Drive" said Holly.

"Get them to put it in Starbug, Holl. The others might not want to go. You know?"

"Shall I tell the others what you're doing?"

"Just get them to meet me in my quarters and I'll tell them Holl."

"OK Dave."

Lister was thinking about what he was going to say when he heard Holly's voice over the ship-wide intercom.

"This is a Red Dwarf Announcement - Would all the members of the Red Dwarf crew please meet third technician David Lister in his quarters now – This is not an emergency but prompt action would be appreciated."

"Smart-alec git" said Lister under his breathe.

A few minutes later, Dave's bunk mate, Arnold Rimmer – Dead person, hard light hologram and warm gazpacho soup lover ran into the room and said, quite manically "Lister, what's the matter?"

"Nothing's wrong Rimmer. Didn't you hear Holly say it wasn't an emergency?" said Lister.

"Yes but I thought, well I hoped, well, never mind. What do you want?" said Rimmer looking very disappointed for some reason.

"You can wait for the other's to get here.

Kryten came in about a minute later but it was a good half an hour before the Cat sauntered in, doing his little dance and saying "owwwwwww! Yea! Yea! Yea!" I'm here, feed me!"

"Didn't you hear Holly, Cat?" said Lister, really smegged off that the Cat took so long.

"Of course I did curry-puff!" said the Cat, combing his eyebrows with a toothbrush. "I'm here aren't I?"

"You took your sweet smegging time you demented mouse-trap" said Rimmer.

"We were beginning to worry, Cat" said Kryten who looked at the others, realised his mistake, and said "well I was worried Mr Cat, sir."

"Right Lister, we're all here" said Rimmer, arms folded and nostrils flared. "What is it you wanted?"

"I'm going to visit my kids" he said.

"You're what?"

"Holly's installed the Holly Hop Drive in Starbug and I'm going to visit my kids!"

"Can I come?" said the Cat. "Those kids were a lot of fun; they kept getting the blame for all the wires I kept knocking out of their sockets when I was chasing space weevils."

"That was you?" said Holly, obviously displeased.

"Um, err…" the cat muttered, trying to get out of his last statement. Then he smiled and said "No!"

"But you just said it was Cat" said Lister looking confused.

"I did not! It must have been my twin."

"You haven't got a twin you mentally disturbed moggy!" said Rimmer.

Before the discussion could degrade much further Lister spoke up and said "Well I'm going to see my kids and I'm going now – who's coming?"

"I'll come Dave, I'll transfer myself into Starbug" said Holly.

"I will" said the Cat.

"I'll come too Mr Lister, it'll be nice to see some different faces for a while."

"You getting a bit sick of our ugly mugs are you Kryten?" said Lister, smiling like a chipmunk who had just found a tree packed with nuts.

"Well, to be honest sir, yes!"

"Well I'm staying" said Rimmer firmly. The last thing I need is those brats of your fiddling with my light bee."

"Oi! They're not brats, Rimmer" said Lister. "They're just, easily bored."

"That's what they said about the Son of Sam, Lister."

"Who's he then?"

"You know, that guy from the twenty first century whose dad was called Sam."

The other's looked at Rimmer and wondered what the smeg he was talking about.

"What are you talking about, grease stain?" said the Cat.

"Never mind that tot, let him stay. If Red Dwarf gets pinched again he'll be all on his own with rogue simulants, GELFs or more psychotic nannos. C'mon guys!"

Rimmer's face turned from smug-git to panicky in a micro-second and he changed his tune rather quickly, as usual.

"Umm, I've changed my mind Listy. I'd really love to see those wonderful kiddies of yours."