So Today I'm in a rather FOWEL! Mood. I have been since yesterday and it just doesn't seem to be getting any better. When I get like this writing tends to help. Today it did not. However I'll share with y'all anyhow perhaps if you're having a sht day it'll make it better. It's a bit of a ramble so enjoy it if you do and if you don't…whatever today I don't care.
Trixx..
To truly know ones self is a gift beyond measure. To doubt, confuse or otherwise mistrust yourself in your own life can be detrimental. People often give me that look, you know the one it's full of concern, wonderment and general guilt. I've been under suicide watch more times then I could count, but if they only knew it's them that should be afraid; not for me, but of me. I've known, I had to how could I not Senshi of destruction, bringer of death, sealer of fate. It's a destiny that's hard to escape; and I'm not sure I would if I could. I played the part of ailing child well, even tempted my own fate by allowing Mistress Nine entrance to my soul, secretly hoping she'd be the end of me. I woke up late, I realize, joining the fight at the end. All eyes on me as I raise my glaive and end the pain. It would have gone to plan had Sailor Moon not stuck her pretentious nose where it didn't belong. I could have gone back to my solitary confinement had she not felt the need to save the child I had been masquerading as. Alas the details of my rebirth are unimportant here I am again called to battle forces no one can explain and all but me fail to understand. It's a sadness I feel for them, I know their mistrust, their confusion, their doubt. I see the pain that they fight with, the wish for a brighter tomorrow even if their version of brighter rivals ours. They fight with passion like its life or death and in some cases I suppose it is. Our enemy, how much could they learn from them? From me if they chose? I may look like a child, the youngest of the senshi the naïve Sailor Saturn brought only to summon the power of the end. Do they not realize that with such power must come such knowledge? Haruka-papa gets it, she realizes I hold more behind my violet eyes then I let on. She stares at me for hours at times, gazing deeply into my eyes then sadness graces her face and she walks away. Others would and have sent me for counseling after these long gazes, but Haruka-papa understands me. She sees the hate too, understands the darker side of the world, where our fearless leader Sailor Moon only sees the roses and butterflies. Only wants the happiness and joy, blind to the realism of this world. A world I still have yet to find meaning in saving. She fights for justice and for love. Bah, love. What a strange and meaningless concept. Love isn't real, its' a façade. A game. Real love is so sparse, so rare. I've seen it, only once. My Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama, they share real love. They have for so many millennium that it's hard to recall them not together. Beyond that I have yet to see eternal everlasting, true love. The king and queen adore each other without doubt but true love is unbreakable and both the king and queen have had their arms twisted to another. Fate pushing them away, should fate disagree with your love can it really be true?
I know my destiny, I know my future holds no love. How could the bringer of such anguish be allowed such a luxury? Family, friendship alright fine I share in those, but love, love would be a dangerous thing for me. A possible distraction from my duty a reason to second guess my work. No love must never cloud my mind. Single, alone, solitude this is my world, these are my holds, and I understand this life. Focus, determination, duty. Alas I quietly long for the day when we are no longer fighting ; where I no longer sit on edge ready to strike, when I can continue in my solitude, worried not about anyone but myself. Thinking of nothing but the avoidance of another; and the better memories of this life. When I can sleep again in the gentle arms of Saturn's rings completely oblivious to the rest of the senshi and their lives good or bad.
Today is not that day. Today I must stand again next to the people who consider me friend and fight. Today I will be killed by people whom I consider family, today we will be tested in a way we've never been tested before. Love will be discovered and lost; hope will be brought into light then slowly leaked away. Today will be the end for some and the beginning for others and today our story will come full circle. Slowly I crawl from my bed rubbing my tired eyes as I join my family in the kitchen. Setsuna-mama holds her usual grimace, Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama are gently flirting but they know. We would have all had the same dream last night, the same foretelling thought of today's events.
'I'll miss you.' I say softly. Taking my usual place at the breakfast table. No one replies to me, they all just look around at each other, at the surroundings. Haruka-papa holds Michiru-mama closers, kissing her lightly. Setsuna-mama bows her head a little. And I begin my breakfast.