I'm feeling very sad and angst-y right now after watching that season finale. Happier things to come.
"You don't have to do this Richard."
"Yes I do Mother."
The pair slowed their walk outside a set of double-doors.
"That's not how you'll want to remember her Richard." Martha placed a hand gently on her sons shoulder. "Remember her… vivaciousness. Her quick wit and her charm. How stunning she was when she was saving your ass." she said with a chuckle.
"And how the one time it was my turn to save her I failed." Richard Castle stared straight ahead through the small, round window. His voice was devoid of emotion, almost dead. He had already lived through a week of sleepless night, envisioning her dazzling smile, the way she bit her lip when she was flattered, how her brows furrowed when she couldn't solve a case. Remembering their drives to interview witnesses, arguing over theories, how their hands would occasionally brush when he delivered her morning coffee. A man was inside the room, working in a white lab coat, filled with stainless steel drawers.
"Stop it Richard! This is not your fault."
"Yes it is."
"No, you could have been killed yourself. Think of your family, think of Alexis!"
Castle remained silent. It was only because of Alexis that he was able to stand here. He had to be strong for her. Beckett was the strong, confident woman that Alexis had envisioned for a mother. He would honor her by being strong when others needed him.
"Please go wait with Alexis, Mother…"
"Let me go with you Richard,"
"Please," his voice broke "Please let me do this alone…"
Martha issued a long, deep sigh, but she squeezed his shoulder and turned, slowly walking back the way they came. Castle stayed staring into the room long after the "click-clack" of his mother's heels disappeared.
"They sound just like yours…"
He took a deep breath of his own before pushing open the doors.
The man at the table looked up, adjusting his spectacles. Castle didn't recognize him, he worked Lanie's opposite shift, so they had never met.
"Are you here to see…"
"Yes." Castle cut him off. The man nodded respectfully before leading Castle to the other side of the room. Castle couldn't count how many times he had stood in this room with her before, but never like this. They came to a brightly lit table with its contents wrapped in a white sheet. Before the man was about to remove the sheet Castle stopped him.
"Could I… have a moment alone… with her?" He spoke evenly, swallowing the lump forming in his throat. The man nodded again.
"Take as much time as you need." He said removing his hands from the sheet and exiting the room.
All was quiet as the doors swung shut and not a breath stirred other than his own. He could see her perfect silhouette through the sheets. He tried to brace himself as he put each hand at the two corners. He had seen dead bodies before; this was nothing new, right? He took a deep breath and folded the sheet back to just below her collarbone.
He swallowed hard once more as he stared at the angelic face of Kate Beckett. Her eyes were closed and she looked completely at peace, like she was having the most perfect sleep. Even in death she was beautiful. He closed his eyes, realizing he would never see her beautiful green ones again. Never get to see them sparkle when they break a case wide open or hear her laugh and watch them light up the room or see them smolder over a dinner they shouldn't be having in a hotel room they shouldn't be sharing in a moment they would never have.
He was there when she fell, in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, in the waiting room with Ryan, Esposito, Lanie, and her father when the doctor told them she didn't make it. The only battle she ever lost. All he could remember was Jim Beckett's cry of agony, Esposito's disbelief, Lanie's tears, Ryan's stunned silence. He left, he had to, but now he had to see her, one last time.
Her hair, in its natural gentle curl, was down and loose across the table. "You knew I liked it when you wore it down…" He let the silken strands wrap around his finger before trailing it down her jaw, across her chin and over her lips. He would never forget that kiss. It may have just been a way to distract the guard, but it was one hundred percent real for Castle the moment their lips touched. It was like electricity and fire were coursing through his body, a dream being made real. She responded to his every touch and her lips glided over his like they had been designed for no other task.
Her skin was cold. He wished he could hold her, warm her and bring her back to life. Bring her back to a father who had no one left, to a team who lost their two fearless leaders within a week, to all the families who are losing loved ones because she wasn't on the street locking the bastards away.
Back to him, who loved her.
"I'm so sorry Kate." His voice broke again. "I'm so sorry!" Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. He pressed his forehead to hers and let the tears flow. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you!" He cradled her head and stroked her hair. He lifted his head to search for a clean towel to dry her face. Finding one, he gently caressed his tears from her flawless skin.
"I'm sorry Kate," he whispered "I failed you, but I promise, I won't fail you again." He continued with renewed determination. "We will find those bastards, and I will make them pay." He smoothed over her hair. "They won't get away with this for another minute."
He looked at the clock and realized how long he had been down there. He looked back at her, tempted to stay all night and memorize every inch of her face. But, he realized, he had already done that, every day they worked together: Driving to a new location in the car, across the room interviewing a suspect, opposite her desk as she processed case files, late nights at either her or his apartment on the couch pouring over data. Yes, he had learned each and every feature long ago. He would let her rest.
He bent over and lightly brushed his lips against her forehead.
"I love you Kate."
He just wished he could have said it sooner.