* First, this one-shot is completely unrelated to any of my other stories. Since last week's episode (Melancholy Pursuit), this idea has been rolling around in my head and I thought I would put it to use. When the mother who put her child up for adoption asked Olivia how his life was and she tells her that he seems to have found his way, it's obvious that Noah instantly crosses her mind and I saw it sort of as a reminder of what both Olivia feels on a daily bases as a single mom, and what Amanda may feel, too. So this is what I think would have happened after the case had been closed and Liv was reflecting on what/how she felt along with the whole squad. I've never written a one-shot so please tell me all of your thoughts on it; I really want to make sure that it's up to par. Read, enjoy, and let me know what you think! *
Lieutenant Olivia Benson sat on the edge of the desk and looked him right in the eyes. "Go home. Talk to somebody you love. And don't make this job your whole life."
Sergeant Dodds took a moment to register what his superior had just told him and gave her a small nod of understanding, knowing that if anyone was going to give him truly useful advice on how to handle special victims it was her. And even if he wasn't sure that in that moment he could do what she told him to, eventually he may be able to work up to moving on from that day's case and the many more he was expected to see.
Liv pushed herself up off the desk, hoping her words would help the newest member of her unit, and walked out of the squad room to meet Fin and Carisi at the elevator, all of them heading to Amanda's apartment to keep her some company while she went stir-crazy on strict bedrest. And although it was to ensure the healthy delivery of her baby, the whole team knew Amanda was having a hard time being sidelined.
"He okay?" Fin asked, referring to his new sergeant.
The lieutenant sighed. "I don't know. I think he will be, but he's still got some things to learn."
"He'll figure it out." Carisi said. "It's taken me almost this long to realize that life has to go on outside of this job. Give him some time."
Fin and Olivia shared a glance as they stepped onto the elevator behind the young detective; they knew that Carisi was probably right. Liv still, even during this case, found herself blurring the lines between personal and professional. Even after seventeen years, there was always something somewhat raw and emotional that personally conflicted with her victims and perpetrators.
When the elevator landed and the three of them exited, Olivia turned to her two detectives. "You two go on ahead. I think I'm going to go pick Noah up from daycare and bring him over, give Lucy the night off."
"Fin you can go and I'll stop at the store and pick up some things to make dinner for us. Amanda has been living off of takeout; she could use a real meal." Carisi reached for his car keys in jacket pocket.
"Sounds good, I'll be at Amanda's if you need me." Fin said.
They all went their separate ways, knowing that it would be less than an hour before they would all be reunited for an evening as friends, rather than as cops. Liv watched from the seat of her Volvo SUV, as Fin and Carisi pulled out of their parking spots, heading into the already dark night. Olivia dug her phone out of her purse and opened her messages sending one to Lucy to tell her that she wouldn't need to pick Noah up and that she could head home for the night. Liv received a gracious text back almost immediately before she put her car into reverse, following her detectives into the dusky five o'clock New York evening.
"Mama!" Noah dropped the plastic toy he had been preoccupied with the moment he noticed her and ran towards his mother, who had just walked through the door of the daycare room after the fifteen minute drive from the precinct.
"Well hello sweet boy." Liv reached down, scooping her dark haired little boy up into her arms. "Did you have a good day?"
"Play lots!" At just under two years old, Noah's vocabulary was growing by the day, but most of the time his words were singular or in groups of twos and not usually within any kind of sentence. However, the mom almost always knew what her son was telling her.
"Noah had a lot of fun playing with some new friends today and he did a great job sharing all of the toys. Isn't that right, Noah?" The teacher for the class of one to three year olds chimed in, telling the proud parent about her son's good day.
Liv looked to her son, who was nodding his head, as if he knew what his teacher was discussing and agreed with her. "It sounds like you had a great day, buddy. Now let's get your bag and we're going to go see some of mama's friends."
The two returned to the car minutes later, Noah buckled in his seat in the back and Olivia starting the ignition from her seat in front. She snuck a quick glance in the rearview mirror at her little boy; he was holding his favorite stuffed animal, a blue puppy dog that had been gifted to him from Nick Amaro when he had first come home with Liv. A smile was plastered on the dark-eyed boy's face and one also quickly found its way to Olivia's lips as she watched him babble to the stuffed toy he treasured.
The small talk between the child and blue dog continued the whole drive to Amanda's east side apartment and the conversation was still going when the mom unbuckled her son from his car seat and brought him into the elevator to the fourth floor apartment, where Fin answered the door.
"Fin!" Noah squealed, stopping his babbling to acknowledge the elder detective.
"My man, Noah." Fin reached for the little boy, who almost jumped into his arms. Although he was the most unlikely candidate, Fin had easily become Noah's favorite squad member. Liv was sure that part of the reason was because he had the easiest name for Noah to scream when he needed an adult and because, even though he would never admit it, Fin was a softie when it came to Noah.
Liv walked the rest of the way into the apartment, allowing Fin to take Noah while she set his diaper bag and her purse down by everyone else's shoes, coats, and belongings in the entryway. "Carisi, what are you cooking? It smells great in here."
"Spaghetti Bolognese, my mom's recipe." Carisi was standing in front of the stove mixing ingredients into a pot.
"Chef Boyardee over here actually knows what he's doing in the kitchen." Fin commented.
"And that makes the only one in this squad. Carisi is probably the only person to actually use that stove and I've lived here for over four years." Amanda joked from her position on the couch, her feet propped up on the coffee table and her hands resting on her stomach. "That would explain to you all why my garbage cans are filled with takeout containers."
"Let's be honest all of us have garbage cans overflowing with such things. Olivia chuckled along, taking a seat in the chair closest to Amanda on the couch. "I don't think not being allowed to stand for more than ten minutes at time helps in the whole cooking process, either."
"It doesn't help with anything." Amanda scoffed, looking down at her large baby bump, running her hands across the tight fabric of her shirt that was stretched over it.
"Has your doctor given you any idea of when you'll deliver? I could use my other woman back in the squad room." Olivia was happy with her squad and where it was in terms of members, but sometimes when dealing with victims, a woman was the best person to have and Liv could only stretch herself between so many of the people who needed her.
"She says it could by any day now." Amanda sighed.
Olivia studied her for a moment, taking in her expression and body language. "You don't seem too thrilled about that…"
Amanda took a deep breath, looking up to the kitchen where Fin and Carisi were discussing some recent football game while Noah ran around them, acting as one of the guys. When she knew they were too busy in their own conversation to listen to hers, she spoke. "I just thought that by now I would feel better about all of this. But still every day I walk past the baby's room, I can't help but feel completely unprepared. I don't know how I am going to do any of this."
"It may not feel like it now, but when the time comes, you'll realize you're more ready than you think you are." Liv told her.
"How did you do it?" The blond looked up at her lieutenant. "I mean I've had nine months to prepare and you had what, two days? And you were meant to be a mom, I can barely handle myself let alone another human who needs me for everything…"
"Amanda…"
"I'm going to screw all of this up." Amanda tried to blink away the tears as she let her worries escape her mouth.
Olivia took a moment before she responded. She had been working with Amanda for over four years and almost nothing could bring the young female detective down. Yet here they were surrounded by the people they called a second family and Amanda seemed to be slowly falling apart.
"You know during this case, I had woman who had given up her son for adoption ask how he was, what his life had ended up being like. And all I could think about was what if that had been Ellie Porter asking me about her son or what if it had been me asking about Noah years from now because he didn't get to come home with me that day. You're never ready for a child, no matter how much you think you are. Nothing prepares you to make decisions daily that could affect your child's whole future. Or to hold another person's life, basically, in your hands." Liv tried to explain.
"But you were meant to be his mom, Liv. I don't know that… that I'm meant to be anyone's mom…" Amanda's voice grew softer as she continued.
For a split second, Olivia didn't know what to tell the other woman. This evening was meant to be fun and relaxing, something that rarely happened for those involved with SVU, but now she was seeing that maybe it was more than that. Maybe it was also a time, outside of the office, outside of having to hold everything together for the sake of the job, to talk about what was happening in the their world's outside of the precinct walls. However, personal lives always seemed like such an off-limits subject for the lieutenant and her young female detective.
"You can't think about it like that, Amanda." Liv said. "Every day you're going to look at that baby and think what can I do for them? What's going to be best for them? Your whole world changes and suddenly you're a mother and you're child is all you care about. It happens without you even realizing it and no matter how you feel now, it will happen for you. You are going to be a good mom, Amanda, I know it."
Amanda opened her mouth to continue the conversation she didn't picture having that night, but was interrupted by Carisi.
"Dinner's ready."
"Good let's eat! Liv, you want me to fix some for Noah?" Fin asked, two bowls already in his hands.
"That would be great, Fin. Thanks." Olivia answered him, before she turned back to Amanda. "This isn't really the best place to talk right now, but if you need anything and I mean anything, don't be afraid to call me. I will help you with whatever I possibly can."
"The single mom's club?" Amanda suggested.
Liv nodded. "Something like that."
A few hours, a plate of pasta, and night with what felt like family later, Liv found herself sitting on the floor of her apartment's bathroom. Noah was happily splashing around in the suds of his bubble bath, as his mom watched on, laughing at the sheer happiness of her little boy.
"Splash! Splash!" Noah flung his arms around sending bubbles floating around the bathroom.
"This is just the best bath ever, isn't it buddy?" Olivia didn't always allow Noah to have a bubble bath or to play in the water for nearly forty five minutes every day, but it was a Friday night, she had the next day off, they could both sleep in together, so the mom figured it was a good night for a little extra fun.
"Story, mama?" Noah had stopped splashing and starred up at her his brown eyes looking a little more tired than they had earlier.
Liv grabbed the blue towel that belonged to Noah, picking him up out of the tub. "Alright, lovey, let's get your pajamas on and then we will read some stories."
When the stories were read and the sippy cup was filled with warm milk, Noah and Olivia were snuggled up together in her bed, Finding Nemo playing in the TV as the little boy fought to keep his eyes open long enough to finish his milk.
As the mom watched her son, his eyes following the fish swimming on the TV and a slight grin never leaving his mouth, all she could think about was what she had told Amanda. Up until today, she hadn't shared with anyone how much she worried about every step she took with Noah or what it was like to know that his birth mother loved him with all of her heart and had she still been alive, Liv may not know what's it's like to be his mother. And then this case and the woman asking about her son, it was all a reminder for Olivia that it was no matter that Ellie wasn't there to see her son grow up, she would still do everything in her power to make sure that everything he accomplished would have made her proud and that it will make Liv proud.
Liv ran her fingers through Noah's soft, brow locks. "Mama loves you so much sweet boy."
Noah scooted as close as he could to her his head hitting her pillow and his little body caressed against hers. "Lub you mama." His eyes closed as he slowly drifted off to sleep.
Olivia got to tell that mom that her son had found his way in this world. And she was now certain that she would do everything in her power to make sure Noah found the best way for himself, too.