Make-Out Tactics: Crack Edition
By: izuko-chan
Pairing: Kakashi x Konan
Anime/Manga: Naruto
Rating: T for teehee
Summary: Konan woke up wondering why the hell she was so sticky.
-
Naruto: Kakashi-sensei, what are you reading?
Kakashi: Shush, fool of a boy. I'm reading the latest chapter of Make-Out Tactics. I've been featured in it.
Sakura: Eww, Kakashi-sensei! You're in a porn novel?
Sasuke: Oh, God…
-
It was late at night, and Kakashi's head hurt. He clutched at it, which caused the bed he was in to move a bit with his sudden motion. His warm palm met skin, and for a moment, his groggy mind couldn't comprehend the fact that he was naked and his mask was taken off.
It was then that he realized he was not alone.
Slowly, horror-filled, he turned his silver-haired head to look at his companion.
Well, at least it's a woman this time, Kakashi thought in mild relief, observing her. Her hair was blue like sapphires, caressing a very beautiful face - pale skin, long eyelashes, and full, rosebud lips. Her bare shoulder was all he saw of her body (besides her face), and it was all he could stare at. I got lucky, didn't I? he thought amusedly, until the woman began to stir. Uh oh. Better shut the hell up. Women don't like to be talked about in men's mind. For all I know, she could be a physic. That would suck giant blue balls.
-
Pein: What is that, Konan-san?
Konan: Oh, just something that Deidara lent me. He said I was in it, so I decided to read it.
Pein: But…you're having a one-night stand.
Konan: I hope he's hot.
-
Konan couldn't understand why the hell she was so sticky.
The bed moved slightly, and it jarred her tender, pretty head, so she clenched her eyes shut tighter on instinct. All she could remember from last night was getting drunk - very drunk -, then giggling a lot and making very sexual movements with her pelvis. She squeezed her eyes tighter at the memory. Oh, Kami…I never want to get drunk again. I probably got it on with some random dude with silver hair.
She shuddered. No, don't think about that. Hidan has silver hair. Don't think about that.
Konan didn't want to open her eyes, but when she felt eyes upon her body, she groggily slid her eyelids open; the dim light sent wave after wave of pain to her brain.
"Who the hell - ?" she began, spinning around to face the other one, but froze immediately. "Oh…o-oh… Oh, shit."
-
Kakashi: Oh, confrontation. If only the novel started at the juicy parts.
Sasuke: Sensei, we're twelve years old. You shouldn't talk about sex in front of us.
Naruto: What's sex?
Sakura: Why don't we demonstrate, Sasuke-kun?
Sasuke: No.
-
Kakashi blinked. Then again. Then once more for good measure.
"Uhm…hi?" Kakashi offered, totally at a loss for words. I had sex with a beautiful girl…ahaa. I bet Gai hasn't gotten any.
"…Who are you?" the woman asked, never moving her deep blue eyes from his. The blanket was dipping dangerously low, and Kakashi's eyes traveled down her neck, to her chest, were they stayed, firmly latched upon the cleavage that was bursting from the confines of the blankie.
"Who are you?" Kakashi retorted - being a ninja and all, he couldn't just give his name away so freely.
"Konan," she threw out carelessly, scowling at him. "Now, tell me your name before I paper cut you to death."
Kakashi shivered. "Hatake Kakashi."
-
Hidan: You fucked Kakashi, Konan?
Konan: You're so vulgar… Yes, I had sexual intercourse with Hatake Kakashi.
Tobi: What's sex?
Deidara: I'll tell you when you're older, Tobi, un. Go on, Konan-san! This is getting good. Maybe, in the heat of passion -
Itachi: …don't even, Deidara.
-
Konan wanted to strangle something, then maybe slice it into pieces with butterflies.
She'd slept with the enemy. She'd slept with a freaking ninja from Konoha who read porn in his spare time. It was a wonder she didn't have holes in her body in the morning from his hair. That thing has got to be dangerous. Really. How could she be so careless? She was the only woman in the entirety of the Akatsuki, a dangerous organization of renegades. The only woman out of ten members. That has to say something, right?
Konan had the urge to slap her forehead, but resisted the urge.
"Look…let's…"
"Have sex again?"
"…No. What I was meaning to say was…"
"Oh, I get it. You want to talk about your 'feelings'."
Konan blinked her blue eyes, looking at Kakashi in major disbelief.
"No -"
"Don't worry. As the unfortunate - not really - male in this situation, the least I can do is listen to you weep and sob about ruining your life, how you won't be able to support a child, how you've betrayed your lover, etcetera. I'll listen to you complain about your mistakes, but in the end all I'll be thinking about is how I can get you to shut the fuck up so I can screw you again."
"So vulgar…"
"I read it in Make-Out Tactics! It's taught me everything I know."
"About being a pervert?"
"Basically."
-
Sakura: Senpai, you're so mean! Why do you treat her that way?
Kakashi: Who says this is true? I never had sex with a beautiful blue-haired Akatsuki named Konan.
Sasuke: It never said anywhere so far that she's an Akatsuki.
Kakashi: Uh… Yes, it did! See, right there.
Naruto: You're pointing at the word 'sticky', Sensei.
Kakashi: No, no. That's obviously 'Akatsuki'.
-
"Okay, okay," Kakashi sighed, running a hand through his spiky, silver hair of doom. "So, you're saying that you were out on a party with various criminals…"
Konan nodded in affirmation. "Yes."
"…and so, you got in a drinking contest with some guy named Hidan, and you got so wasted, you couldn't even walk in a straight line. I hope you didn't drive anywhere. It's not safe to drunk drive."
"Are there even cars?"
"No, I don't think so. Anyway," Kakashi continued. "So, I just happened to wander into the bar, and you were so drunk that you were flirting with anything that had a pulse - well, except for that table. I don't understand what you found attractive in that table. I mean, the design was so tacky…"
"I…I couldn't help it, okay?! It was just there! Pein-sama told me off and Deidara said he had to remain faithful to Sasori, so I had no other option!"
"What about Itachi? He's pretty."
Konan sweatdropped. "Yes, well… That man is a beast in bed. I don't want to do a crack pairing with him."
Kakashi looked genuinely interested. "Oh, really? So, how did you end up in bed with him?"
Konan sighed, rubbing her temples with her fingertips. "Why did I end up in bed with you? You're the biggest prick I've ever met."
"Nuh-uh. It could be worse. You could have had a one-night stand with Orochimaru," Kakashi pointed out, and Konan shivered delicately. Oh, the things he could do with that tongue… It was worse than imagining Deidara's hands.
"I guess that's true," Konan sighed, wrapping the blankets around her tighter. "Well, Pein expects me on a mission soon, so I'll have to be off, then…er…bye."
"Wait, wait!" Kakashi cried, jumping up suddenly. Konan cried out, covering her eyes with her hands in modesty. Even if she screwed him last night, she was drunk and couldn't remember a single moment of it. Now, the silver-haired nin was standing in front of her completely naked and looking totally panicked, as if something was terribly wrong.
"W-what?" Konan said, keeping her eyes firmly on his face.
"Make-Out Tactics says that even after a one-night stand, the companions -"
"Who the hell said we were 'companions'? We were two people who got really drunk and wanted to screw something."
"- the companions," Kakashi continued, ignoring Konan's jibe, "must make-out before they part."
Konan glowered at him. "This book isn't the Bible, for Jashin's sake. You don't have to do everything it depicts."
"Uh-huh. It says so, right in the front. Thou shall not not do what the book says to do."
"You are the biggest loser I've slept with, seriously. Even Pein isn't this awkward in the morning," Konan taunted, getting up from the bed and wrapping the blanket around herself to shield her from Kakashi's eyes - er…eye.
"You like me," Kakashi grinned, circling around the bed to confront the blue-haired kunoichi.
"Nope, I don't think so," Konan replied offhandedly, trying to move around him; all while ignoring his…nakedness.
"C'mon. You think I'm a beast in bed."
"I'll say it again. Pein is much -"
Konan wasn't able to finish her sentence, however, because Kakashi slid his hand behind her neck and pulled her into him. She squeaked very out-of-character-like when she felt the line of his body pressed into hers.
-
Deidara: Whoa, Konan-san. You're getting it on, un.
Konan: Oh, I am not. He's being a total idiot.
Itachi: It's awkward to think that the famous Copy-nin had sexual intercourse with you, Konan-san.
Konan: Look! We didn't, okay? It's part of the freakin' book. I never screwed him.
Tobi: Tobi still doesn't understand! What did Konan-san do with Kakashi-san?
Hidan: They fucked.
Konan: I swear…all men think about are breasts, sex, and fighting each other.
Kisame: WHERE'S THE TITS?
-
"Okay…okay…I really…meant it when I said I had a mission! Oh, GOD! What did you just do?"
"Did you like that, hm?"
"Yes - I meant - NO! NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! Ahh! That…tickles!"
A giggle. "Really? I never realized it would tickle. Most times it makes them cry my name out."
She sighed. "Okay, I really got to go. I'm serious - A-ah! S-stop that!"
"What?"
"Let go of my breast. Right now."
"But it's so soft. It's like a kitty's tummy. Do you wash your boobs?"
"Is that even polite to ask?"
"Nope."
"Figured."
-
Naruto: Why are you…what…why are you touching her…
Gai: It's the wonderful thing called 'sex', Naruto! It's very youthful!
Lee: Yes, very youthful, indeed! Gai-sensei taught me everything about sex!
Kakashi: Okay, that's just wrong.
-
Konan squirmed under Kakashi's body. He'd fallen asleep, again. And Konan was covered in sticky shit, again.
I don't see why people like sex. You have to take showers afterwards. It should be clean, Konan thought, wincing as Kakashi started to drool on her bare shoulder. Oh, great. The asshole is dribbling all over me. At least it's not what it was earlier.
"Sorry, Kakashi," Konan whispered, pushing his sweaty, man-smelling body off of hers. She grabbed her clothes that were strewn carelessly across the floor. It smelled like sake, and Konan cringed as the vague recollections of last night wandered into her mind. "Well, I won't be seeing you anytime soon, I hope," Konan mused, pulling her cloak over her now clothed shoulders and began to make her way to the door - but she paused as her hand was on the handle. "Oh, what do they say…" She thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah. Hope you had as much fun as I did. Which isn't a lot."
She opened the door and left, praying to Kami that Pein didn't ask about the white stuff that was drying in her blue hair.
-
Itachi: If Jiraiya-san writes these novels…then how does he know about you, Konan-san?
Konan: Umm…he…
Tobi: Your face is beet red, Konan-san!
Kakuzu: You all are really immature. Who cares if Konan screwed Kakashi?
Pein: I do…
Konan: …
Deidara: Aren't you glad we read that, un? Now we now all about Konan's sex life.
Sasori: Somehow I'm not as pleased as I thought I would be, Deidara.
-
Kakashi: Hm, that brings back memories. I wonder where she is…?
Sasuke: Dude, you did have sex with her?
Kakashi: Yeah. It was great. I wasn't really drunk, you know.
Sakura: Sensei, why are you such a player?
Kakashi: Make-Out Tactics makes me, Sakura. I can't disobey it, or all of you will die.
Naruto: Do you even care, Senpai?
Kakashi: No. Now go away. I have more reading to do.
-
…XDD.
Well, what'd ya think?
It's probably the crackiest thing on the history of the Earth. Well, pairings wise. But, still.
This is going to be entered into a contest for crack pairings. Think it'll win? I have a good feeling about this.
Kitty