Magnus was fairly certain he could feel his heart breaking. He and Alec were alone for the first time since Max's death, and it seemed as though all of Alec's walls had suddenly come tumbling down. They were sitting in silence at the moment, but Magnus was able to pick up on the emotion coursing through Alec. The open expression of absolute sorrow on Alec's face was enough to show Magnus just how much he was hurting.
Magnus thought about reaching over to take Alec's hand, but something kept him from it. Even though they weren't in the Lightwood house, even though they were in the Downworlder house Magnus was staying in where there would be absolutely no reason for anyone to come in the house and walk in on them, it seemed as though that sort of affection was not what Alec needed at the moment.
He had to keep from smiling as Alec proved him wrong by scooting across the couch and took hold of Magnus's arm, wrapping it around himself and holding onto it as though it might help him stay afloat in the emotions that were currently flooding him. When Alec began speaking, his voice was so soft that Magnus was momentarily unsure he had heard him correctly.
"It's my fault," he said. It was a statement, one so defined, so final that Magnus wanted nothing more than to take Alec's pain away. After a few moments, Alec continued in an almost unwilling way. "I'm supposed to protect them. I'm their big brother. And I wasn't there, I didn't do my job, and now Max is gone." He stopped abruptly, as though there was more he wanted to say but he didn't couldn't bring himself to say it.
At first, Magnus considered keeping his mouth shut, feeling as though there was no way he could possibly do anything to help Alec. Then, he found himself suddenly speaking, as though he knew what he was doing. "Alexander, what happened will never be your fault, and deep down, you know that. You're hurting right now, I understand that, but you and I both know that you went out and did what you thought was protecting them. There is no fault in that."
For a few moments, Alec sat in silence, his breathing a bit heavier than usual. Magnus figured that this was because he was trying to keep from crying, something that he had never before done in front of Magnus. "If I hadn't gone out there, I could have protected him. He trusted me. They all did. I could have fought Sebastian off. I could have-" he had begun speaking rapidly, but he suddenly paused, a seeming spasm of pain and emotion shooting through him. Magnus did the only thing he knew to do; he wrapped his arms tighter around Alec and simply held on.
"I could have done something. Anything." Alec finished speaking, his voice so nearly even that if Magnus hadn't known him as well as he did, he might have believed that everything was okay. But the fact of the matter was that, even though they had been together for a relatively short amount of time, Magnus did know Alec, and he could hear the strain in his voice that was only faintly there. He knew that Alec would likely never heal from this, not completely at least.
"Listen to me," Magnus began, trying to keep his own voice even as his own emotions began to make an appearance. "If you had stayed there, I would have died. You saved my life; it's as simple as that. And, no, I'm not saying that I deserved to live more than Max. God knows that's not true. But if you had stayed, Alexander, you and Isabelle would likely be dead as well. You would have fought Sebastian, and he would have taken all three of you down. All four of us would be dead if you had not left the house, and you know that."
Magnus was entirely surprised when Alec turned into him, burying his face in Magnus's chest. It was something so innocent, almost so intimate, that Magnus was unsure of what to do for a moment. After a few moments, however, Alec looked up into his eyes, his face relaxed ever so slightly from what it had been earlier. "Don't make me think of having lost you, too. That's something I can't take right now." Had it been anyone else, Magnus wouldn't have allowed himself to believe that the thought of his death could hurt them.
But there was something about the way in which Alec said it, something about the emotion in Alec's voice that showed Magnus there was absolutely no way he could possibly be lying about it. Instead of speaking, Magnus simply moved to grab the blanket that was sprawled across the back of the couch, wrapping them both up in it and wishing that he could somehow erase the guilt from Alec's mind.
The only thing Alec knew at the moment was that he had to protect Magnus. They were in Brocelind Plain and the fighting had begun. He had no idea where Isabelle and Jace were, but he knew that if he let his mind dwell on that, he wouldn't be able to fight, he wouldn't be able to do anything other than think about how he was about to lose more people he loved.
He shoved those thoughts aside as he shot an arrow at a demon that was a little too close to Magnus. Before he could pause even a moment, there was another demon coming at him. For the first time in as long as he could remember, he fumbled with his arrow, almost, but not quite dropping it. This was enough time for the demon to advance far too close for him to shoot at it with any effectiveness. Before he could even begin to reach for a seraph blade, the demon was blown backwards, clearly stunned by Magnus's magic.
This gave Alec the time he needed to shoot the demon. After it was gone, Alec realized that they were standing in the middle of a safe zone at the moment, suddenly clear of any immediately threats. He looked toward Magnus, noticing just how tired he was, realizing that he was most likely very low on energy, which was not good for their situation.
Just as Alec was about to take a step toward Magnus, Alec felt a sudden stabbing pain in his forearm. His first thought was that something had hit him, then he realized that it was coming from the exact location of his parabatai rune. He staggered backward as another wave of pain shot through him, traveling through his arm to the rest of his body.
Magnus reacted with lightning fast reflexes, immediately catching Alec and forcing him to sit on the ground with his back against a boulder. Alec wanted to protest at the thought of being cornered when there were so many of their enemies around them, but he couldn't speak through the terror that was washing over him. This was something he had never felt before. Sure, his bond with Jace had felt a bit stretched out before, but there was no way of getting around the fact that this was pure pain.
He knew Magnus was trying to speak to him, he could see the utter concern on Magnus's face, but he couldn't quite register anything that was going on around him. Finally, he was able to utter Jace's name before a wave of nausea hit him. He doubled over, trying to steady his breathing but only succeeding in vomiting from the pain he was in.
As he looked up once more, he realized that Magnus was no longer by his side. Just as another wave of pain hit him, he realized that Magnus was fighting off a demon that had set its sights on them. Alec thought for a moment of trying to get up and help Magnus.
That was when the string that had been holding him to Jace snapped. It shouldn't' have seemed sudden, not after the pain that he had been experiencing for several minutes already, but it was the exact thing he had been trying to tell himself was not wrong. Jace was gone. For good. He was dead. And Alec had no idea where he was.
For what felt like would be the last time, Alec doubled over, only able to see white, the pain becoming like a sudden flash of light. The first thing he registered after a few moments was that the hand he had been holding over his parabatai rune was wet. With blood.
If Alec hadn't wanted to face it before, it was now inevitably clear that Jace was dead. Just that very thought was enough to make Alec so dizzy that he couldn't see anything clearly. Not to mention the lasting pain he was feeling.
As Magnus finished up with the demon he had been fighting away, he raced back to Alec's side. Alec had no idea why, but he flinched away from Magnus's touch, bringing his bleeding arm further into his body. Magnus glanced down and noticed the bleeding, and somehow, the situation seemed to become immediately clear to him.
"We need to get you out of here. Now," he said, his tone seemingly non-negotiable. "You're going to have to let me help you, Alexander," Magnus continued, his eyes scanning the background for any possible threats. "You can't do this on your own, you're going to have to let me lead you out."
For a few long moments, all Alec could think of was telling Magnus to leave him there. He simply couldn't fathom a world without both Max and Jace, he simply couldn't bring himself to move. But then he had one fleeting thought of Isabelle, her face flashing across his mind, and he immediately nodded, allowing Magnus to pull him to his feet. If there was any chance that Isabelle was still alive, Alec was going to fight his way to her.
Staggering to his feet, Alec tried to fight his way through the nausea that hit him once again. He told himself that if he simply didn't think of Jace that the pain would go away. But he knew that wasn't true. Nearly as soon as he had thought it, he found a crowd of unwanted memories flooding his mind.
Memories of Jace and himself when they were younger, when things had been much less complicated. Like the time they had been left alone at the Institute and decided that they were old enough to be able to cook so they had refused to eat the food Maryse had left for them, and consequently ended up in the floor laughing at each other and the food they had gotten all over themselves. Or their parabatai ceremony and how Alec had felt at the time that it was more significant to him than Jace. Or the first time they had fought together as parabatai and how Alec had realized that their bond meant just as much to Jace as it did to him.
So many thoughts began coursing through Alec's mind that he tripped, almost bringing Magnus down with him. Magnus was by his side within seconds, trying to help him back up as quickly as possible. "Magnus, I can't," he said, hoping to convey the fact that he was in such immense pain that he was entirely certain he would never feel whole again. "Magnus, I can't go on. I can't do this."
For a moment, Magnus simply looked at him, eyes wide with concern. "You have to, Alexander," he finally said, his voice surprisingly even. "I am not giving you a choice." At that, he all but picked Alec up, practically shoving him along while using his magic to keep the demons at a wide distance from them.
Eventually, they made it far enough away from the fight to safely sit down. Alec immediately slumped to the ground, lacking the energy to do anything else. When he felt something wet on his hand, he looked down in surprise to see that it was from tears that he hadn't realized were streaming down his face.
Magnus made a move as though he was going to take one of Alec's hands, but then he suddenly backed away, seemingly afraid to do anything, thinking that he might make something worse. Alec closed his eyes, trying to block out the sounds of the battle that was taking place far too close to them. His only hope was that Isabelle was still out there somewhere.
All he could think of at the moment was six-year-old Isabelle running around the Institute telling everyone that she was going to be a warrior one day. Alec felt nauseous yet again at the thought that she had gotten exactly what she wanted. Jace is gone. The thought popped back into his head before he could even begin to block it out. Gone.
There was no way this was happening. Not now. Not after everything else that had happened in the past few days. Alec felt as though his world was not so slowly crashing down around him, and he barely had time to blink before it was all gone. Max is gone. Alec closed his eyes, trying to shut out the fact that the world was seemingly spinning.
He heard himself call Magnus's name, he heard himself begin speaking, but he had no idea what made him do so. "Don't leave me," he heard himself say, his voice cracking under the weight of his loss. "Not now. Please." This caused Magnus to finally reach over and take his hand, but he remained silent, obviously at a loss as to what to do.
For a second, Alec's world went white yet another time, causing him utter terror at the thought of what could possibly be happening. Then, when it cleared, he realized that his breathing was somehow impossibly easier.
It took him a few moments to realize that it felt as though his bond with Jace had somehow been reestablished. He looked down at his parabatai rune in confusion. Through the blood, it looked just the same as it had just minutes earlier. Alec looked up at Magnus in confusion, but Magnus seemed to be thinking the same thing. That was absolutely impossible. There was no way that Jace was alive again. But Alec couldn't deny the feeling that he was getting through the bond. Somehow, Jace was perfectly fine again. No pain, no danger. Nothing. The bond was entirely calm.
Before Alec had time to react, he heard Isabelle screaming their names and racing toward them. "Alec! Magnus!" He turned to see her, looking just as worn out and beaten up as Alec felt. Before he could react, she threw her arms around him, and he looked over her shoulder to see that the battle on Brocelind Plain had stopped. He moved to hug her back, feeling relief slowly flooding through him. "Why are you bleeding?" she asked, causing Alec to smile. Of course that was the first thing she had noticed.
At first, he wasn't sure he should tell her what had happened. But he knew from past experience that trying to protect Isabelle often simply made things worse in the long run. "It's from my parabatai rune," he said carefully. As Isabelle's eyes widened, Alec knew he didn't need to continue that explanation. "But somehow, Jace is fine now. I don't know what happened. But I do know that he's okay."
Isabelle immediately stood up. "We have to find him. Right now," she said, determinedly marching off without looking back. She knew Alec would follow her. Alec slowly got to his feet, still a bit unsteady from all the pain the breaking of the bond had put him through. Magnus allowed Alec to lean on him, suddenly making Alec very aware of everything that Magnus had done for him.
Before following Isabelle, Alec stopped in his tracks, took hold of Magnus, and simply kissed him. It was the sort of kiss they had shared in the Accords Hall earlier that day. It was the sort of kiss that didn't need to be followed up with any words, and it left Alec smiling despite the events of the day.
Alec stayed by Jace's side until the moment he woke up, refusing to allow anyone to move him. Magnus and Isabelle continually brought him food and annoyed him about sleep, but he mostly ignored them, wanting to be there for Jace every moment that he could.
When Jace had woken up, Isabelle had been there as well, so Alec had stayed fairly silent. But now he was sitting with Jace, just the two of them, and he couldn't hold things back any longer. "You scared the hell out of me, you know that, right?" he asked, his voice not unkind.
Jace forced a weak smile and nodded as much as he could. "I figured," he said, his voice still a little weak. "And I'm sorry for that. I can't even imagine what it would have been like." He reached over to take hold of Alec's hand, and Alec found himself thinking about how just a couple of months ago, he would have given anything to be the person that Jace wanted to hold hands with. Now, it was something he barely even thought about, something any pair of brothers would do.
"No, you can't," Alec responded, trying, and failing, to make his voice stern. Deep down, he was glad that Jace had no idea what it had felt like. The last thing he would ever wish for would be for his parabatai to feel a pain like that. "Just be glad I don't kill you myself for giving me a scare like that."
Alec smiled as Jace chuckled, a bit of his normal mischief returning to his eyes. "That would be counterproductive, now wouldn't it, Lightwood?" Alec tried to force his smile away, tried to pretend that he wasn't amused.
"Don't underestimate me," he said, reaching up to ruffle Jace's hair. "Preparation is power. I think I could hold my own next time around." He smiled wider as he realized that Jace was about to fall asleep once more.
"I'd like to see you try, Alexander," Jace muttered sleepily. Alec reached over to grab a blanket from the foot of Jace's bed, scooting his chair closer and laying the blanket across them both. He figured it was safe for him to take a nap now.
The last thought Alec had before falling asleep was, Jace couldn't possibly get himself killed, could he?
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