Introduction:
The past.
It's rife with memories. Previously, I have avoided these memories, displeased with the emotional triggers they held. However, I have recently found that they are worth reliving.
It plagues me.
The feelings of anger, misery, confusion, and emptiness conflict with the senses of victory, warmth, and salvation.
Although I once thought it was better to keep moving, I now believe that I can gain a greater understanding of myself if I revisit what has changed me most.
Kurama has always been the closest thing to a friend. Although he's significantly older and wiser than I am, he has never been condescending. Whether that's his way of appeasing me, or it's his natural way, I've never been sure. It seems as though we are more alike than he leads most to believe, but I've never cared enough to delve into his psyche or analyze his past. However, he has always taken a great interest in mine. After great persistence on his part, I have revealed the important instances of days long lost.
He is consistent and reliable. Every night he can be found in his house, sitting in his second floor room, either at a computer or with a book in hand, and a serious look on his face until I land on his windowsill. Although I never visited him often, he was always prepared for my presence, and welcomed it. Typical. Safe. Repetitious. Descriptions that helped make me comfortable.
Although Kurama himself followed a predictable schedule, he could not control others. The most memorable visit was also the most inopportune, and it sparked a swift disruption in my life.
My day had been normal. It was as it had always been, as I thought it would always be. Whatever I was doing before I ran in the direction of his home, I cannot recall. However, a few things remain firmly ground in my memory.
I was running as quickly and as swiftly as always. My mind was blank except for basic sensory comprehension. I felt the coolness of the air, made even colder by my great speed. I had been wearing my cloak although the cold didn't bother me, the slap of cold air in fact making me feel more alive. The wind had smelled clean when I started, but had become more rank and stale as I went, proof that I was nearing his city. The blurs of green and brown plant life soon melded with grey concrete and burgundy bricks. The sounds of skittering rodents and quiet predators became lost in human whispers, roaming cars, and humming machinery.
I neared his building, and moved to the back of it where his room was located. A tree in the middle of his land was tall, and I always used it to make sure he was alone. I leaped upward, welcoming the freshness it gave off. After landing on a strong branch, I peered into his room. His mother wasn't there. That was all I needed. I jumped forward, and landed on his windowsill with a light tap, knowing he could hear.
He left the window unlocked for me, and I lightly pushed it open. A gust of wind blew at his maroon curtains as the window opened like two glass doors. I remained crouched on the edge, his back to me.
I waited. I never entered until he turned to me, there was no reason other than to maintain our understood repetition. He moved slowly in his seat, turning as cautiously as always as if I were a wild animal that would attack if he moved abruptly.
His face was warm, almost falsely so. He was still wearing his school uniform although it was dark outside. Kurama gestured with his hand for me to come in, a small laugh under his breath at my nod. I stepped in and pushed the window closed, my hands then resting in my pockets. I looked around, assessing his room as if I expected something to change. Nothing had.
"I was studying for a history test," he said flatly, updating me like always.
"Why study it? You are history," I said in response, in my rude way which was generally unintentional.
He disregarded it. Expected. He turned back and read again, letting me roam for a bit. What I had thought would happen was he would feed me some facts, and try to educate me against my will. I thought this because this was the typical occurrence after he turned back. However I was wrong.
The telephone near his desk light rang in the silence before Kurama had a chance to read. He was shocked; it was abnormal for someone to call him at what I remember to be 11:30 pm.
He picked it up nervously, his voice stuttering "h-hello? ...No…I can't, he's here. No, I understand." Kurama's voice was serious, nervous even. And he had mentioned me being there...Someone called about me.
Suddenly I became very suspicious. I had my guard up, although I was curious as to what could have made his countenance change so drastically. He stood lifelessly, his body visibly tense. When he turned to me, I was shocked. His face looked, depressed. I was confused, and was consumed with dread at that moment.
"Hiei, we need to go to Genkai's... It's Yukina," he said regrettably.
At that, I gasped. I couldn't fathom what had happened. Had she been kidnapped again? Was she hurt? Who did it? Why? In what way should I punish them? Question upon question flew into my mind at incredible speeds, my thoughts askew.
Kurama noticed my state, and it was obvious he knew something I didn't. However, I felt that rushing there would be more helpful then trying to get answers from him. If he didn't tell me something in advance, I knew there was a reason.
He pushed open his window, the cool night air bustling in. The night was as quiet and somber as we were. Kurama jumped out first and lead the way. Although I was tempted to leave him in the dust, I knew that he would have told me to if the problem were imminent. I decided to trust him, for he had never steered me wrong in the past.
I'd like to say I remember everything that happened on the way, that I was so alert that I absorbed all useless information that battered my senses as we ran. But I can't. I was so full of dread, and was so ready to be angry at whoever hurt her that I was beyond distracted. My body began to move on autopilot, my consciousness consumed. The only thing I remember vividly is Kurama occasionally turning back to look at me. His face hinted at sorrow, but somewhere in his eyes he was shaming me. I can't be sure how many times he turned back. It could well have been once, but my mind replays it multiple times now, making me wonder how I didn't figure out what had happened.
When we arrived I had trouble comprehending what I saw. We had stopped at the front of the dojo, and all of the lights were on. Windows were broken, and furniture was displaced. The shocking part was that large icicles were protruding from the floors and ceilings. The floor was coated in a thin layer of fresh snow, yet the weather was clear and dry. Standing outside, it looked beautiful, rueful, and the random places where the ice burst from the ceiling made me think of the last resort of an animal cornered. It didn't appear to be offensive, instead it screamed...fear.
My quiet observations were soon disturbed by Yusuke's brashness, "Kurama! Get in he..." he paused when he saw me. Apparently he had been walking and talking, and didn't expect to see me when he stepped out.
"I'm sorry. There was nothing I could do," Kurama said with regret, enticing an aggravated stare from me. Why keep it from me? I of all people would be entitled to any information regarding Yukina. Who would be so worth protecting that they would even consider keeping this from me, even consider angering me so?
"Well whatever! Come in here, I don't know what to do!!" he said desperately, shocking me back into the reality of the situation at hand. Yukina was more important than my pride...I had to keep telling myself that.
We rushed in, and that allowed me to see the full damages. With my hands in my pockets, I surveyed my surroundings. My eyes darted from corner to corner, and I noticed that exceedingly tall and misshapen icicles were protruding from the ground near Kuwabara. Noticing him seemed to be the last thing on my mind. However, that made his existence a bit more relevant.
He was cowering in a corner, breathing hastily and crying like a child. Pathetic. Even worse, when he saw me, he leaned more heavily into the wall and shivered like a leaf in the wind.
The large, imperfect ice was so tall that it pierced the ceiling above it. It wasn't transparent; in fact it was severely clouded. The pieces of ice formed a kind of arc like a tall wave in the ocean. It arced away from the moron, as if a shield against him.
My first instinct said that an ice demon had intruded and they let him hurt Yukina before stopping him. That would have made sense. To protect themselves, they'd avoid telling me…I knew she was there, I could sense her. She wasn't missing, so my thoughts were that they had been careless, but that she was fine now.
I was sadly mistaken.
Remaining calm, I continued to look around, ignoring Kuwabara's crying and begging which was sadly aimed towards me. Looking into the next room, I could see a door that was entirely sealed in ice. At noticing that, Botan walked in.
"HIEI!" she said squeakily in that annoying voice I grew to loathe. She collapsed where she had been standing, and after landing on her ass she began to scoot backwards, her eyes large and her lip twitching.
"Can everyone calm down and please tell me exactly how this happened?" Kurama said as if I wasn't there, although he was standing disturbingly close to me.
Yusuke gulped, but after looking around nervously, he seemed to realize he was the only one who could speak. He manned up and turned to Kurama, again as if I were not there.
"Well...Okay. We were all hanging around, Keiko was here too but I asked her to leave...Um, anyways. Yukina was talking to Kuwabara in the corner..." Kuwabara shivered at the sound of his name, looking at me as if I were Death himself, "And... I could hear what they were saying but didn't think much of it. I think she thought she was quiet enough...Uh, well, she was asking Kuwabara if he had seen Hiei in a while," and at that my eyebrows raised. "He said that he didn't like Hiei and wouldn't communicate with him if he was paid... and she didn't like that he said that. She... said Hiei was nice, that she missed him. Kuwabara got annoyed and asked why... and she...s-she said..."
"Out with it!" I yelled.
He gulped and continued to ignore me otherwise, "She said...she thinks she likes him like a mate..." he cringed as he said it. My eyes grew large, and my throat closed up. I couldn't speak or think or move, frozen like the ice that surrounded me. "Kuwabara yelled...he didn't think... and we told him a while ago but he forgot to keep his mouth shut...He screamed 'YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON YOUR BROTHER??' We all heard, and looked at her. She... yelped 'What?!?' And...um, all of this happened…And then she locked herself in that room when we tried to calm her."
Kurama had known some of it, but not all of it, and his face reflected his empathy for her. Yusuke's did as well, the two of them more concerned with her then what I would do. Kuwabara's face was blue with terror at my knowledge of the situation, and Botan was hiding behind a door, peering out at us. Yusuke looked at me for the first time since I had stepped in and showed me that he somehow cared about me in this situation.
"I'm sorry Hiei… I would have stopped it if I could've."
I heard him, and maybe I appreciated it somewhere deep inside. But, at that moment I couldn't feel anything but shame. She exploded because she found out that I was the brother she had been looking for, the bloodthirsty, heartless fire demon.
My heart ached. She had feelings for me. Somewhere deep that...made me feel strange. But the overwhelming disgust with myself for being such a disappointment to her was in the forefront of my mind. I couldn't determine whether she reacted this way because she was ashamed of being my sister, or for liking me. I assumed it was the shame of being related to me because I couldn't fathom that she cared for me much...I didn't think it was possible. Her world must have been shattered by my existence. And even if...that small chance that she did really care was the reason... it was my fault for not telling her. Everything was my fault. Everything.
I couldn't just stand around and observe any longer. I usually never felt my heart, that emotional orb in our chests that is separate from the organ that pumps our blood. The only time I had feeling there was when I knew she felt something. Knowing she was in pain or knowing she was happy brought me similar feelings. But this time was different, it wasn't some pain of hers that I experienced vicariously, it was one of my own, a throbbing pain, a thorn in my heel.
I needed to go to her, although I had no idea what I would do from there. My mind was thinking one step at a time, and even that was hard because my body was numb with agony.
My head lowered, my eyes closing to thin, piercing slits. I was entirely silent, and from what I was told later, I frightened everyone then more than I ever have. Slowly I walked, my limbs heavy, my skin cold. I walked past them, all of them. I moved toward the door that was covered entirely in Yukina's ice.
Placing my hand on the ice, I focused heat through my palm, not wanting to use flames and frighten her from the other side. The crystalline ice gave to my heat and dripped onto the floor, creating puddles at my feet. When the door was clear I stopped.
I stood before it and pushed it with my hand, a quiet thump audible. I left my hand against it. It's all I could think of doing, it meant something at that moment. It was the closest thing to touching her maybe.
"Please...please, leave me alone..." she said in a raspy voice. It sounded worn, like she'd been screaming. Maybe she was, I couldn't have known for sure. The ice blocked all sounds beforehand.
"...Is that what you want?" I whispered, my forehead resting against the door next to my hand. I can still remember the feeling of the wood's grain against my skin.
"It's, you..." she mumbled hoarsely, a hint of shock and shame as if she were caught doing something terrible.
The door creaked open. I was sure the others were watching, shocked enough that I hadn't killed Kuwabara. I must have confused them more than they could have imagined when I walked in, and closed the door behind me without a sound.
It was dark. I could just barely see her. She was huddled in the middle of the floor, her kimono disheveled, and her hair loose. Her head hung so low that I couldn't see her face at all, and teargems were in piles around her. There were so many in fact, I had to keep my back to the closed door to avoid slipping on any of them. In reality, I was paralyzed there because I had no idea what to do, but the fear of slipping just sounds less pathetic.
Both of our heads hung shamefully low in the dark. It seemed like hours, but it had only been minutes. My anxiety grew with each second, the awkward silence making me want to flee like an animal backed into a corner, much like how she felt earlier. Just being there was more than I thought I'd ever do. I couldn't muster up anymore bravery without reinforcement. Just my luck, she was ready to give me some.
"I'm sorry. It was wrong of me to assume things," Yukina said quietly, pain rippling in her voice.
I didn't fully understand. How could she be sorry? Everything was my fault..."What do you mean?" I said slowly, my mind trying to be careful with what I said, and how I said it. I wanted to be sensitive to her, as much as I knew how.
"That... you... cared about me." Her words were slower than mine, and part of me wished they weren't. Those words cut me deeply, I wanted her to know how wrong she was for thinking her assumption was incorrect, but only a few weak gasps escaped me.
At hearing my gasps, her head jolted upward, her eyes glazed and wide, "I mean!" Her voice squeaked, unable to handle the loudness or pitch with how worn it was. Her eyes closed a bit with shame, her face still high and visible to me, "You don't care about me the way I thought... it was wrong of me to assume you did. I'm sorry for any trouble I caused you Hiei..." The ache in her voice made me choke a little. I couldn't fathom that she could have wanted me to feel for her to that extent. It seemed like I had ripped her heart out and stepped on it, and after that...She felt ashamed as if she were culpable.
My mind wandered back to the past few months. I had been visiting Yukina more frequently as the weeks went by. I would enter the human world to see her about twice a week, sometimes more. She would always be outside during the day, and would smile warmly at the sight of me.
She used to try to find things to keep me busy. It always seemed that she was worried I would grow bored, but little did she know that I would have gladly stayed with her in a silence for days.
The things she came up with weren't extremely creative. She did whatever she could to get me to talk, to make me interact with her. At first she would take me with her as she performed errands. Things like going to market, planting herbs and blooms, and preparing food. I'd follow her, and she'd ask me questions in a sweet voice. They were always questions about me, the things I liked, places I'd been, and the things I'd done. I felt strange about answering them sometimes, and if they were too personal, she'd simply ask another, pretending like it never happened.
Soon she set time aside for me personally. Rather than taking me along, she found things for us to do together. She taught me different games and skills as a way for us to bond I suppose. We played Chinese checkers, cards, and different games with boards that made little sense to me. Once, she tried to teach me how to make an origami crane. Out of frustration, I ended up burning the paper. I thought that would frighten her, but it made her giggle. She seemed to be amused by my frustration as long as I wasn't violent.
Yukina blushed very often at that time, and she'd place her hands over mine quiet often when teaching me something. I never thought much of it, except that maybe she liked being around me. I enjoyed how things were, but maybe it was wrong of me to try to be close to her. If I had stayed away like I always had, this pain wouldn't be ripping her apart in front of me.
Looking down at her, my mind replayed the blushing smile that had always brightened my day. That smile had faded into a heartbreaking frown, melted into tears, and seemed forever lost.
I took a few cautious steps, my hands dug deep into my pockets, and my head down in shame. My feet met in front of her, and I slowly knelt down. How abnormally beautiful she looked, her clothes and hair unkempt, and her face pink and swollen with sorrow.
I wasn't fully thinking at that point, I was acting first, so I didn't turn away from her, or avoid her eyes from shame. My hand came up, my fingers folded inward. I moved my hand underneath her chin, my thumb pressing against it, and I softly brought her head a bit higher. Her body quivered unexpectedly at my touch, but I disregarded that. When her eyes met mine, I looked into hers with intensity and serenity.
"I'm sorry I can't give you what you want, but nothing is your fault..." My words were but a soft whisper, and her eyes looked away from mine at hearing them. I recognized that action because I have done it myself; she didn't believe me.