There is nothing that hurts more than being left alone all the time.
And, well lately, I'm always alone.
There are red lines from my wrist running all the way up to my elbow. They sting when I touch them.
I caused these.
The claws that are my fingernails dig in whenever I feel like maybe calling someone would be a good idea. Getting out of the house...I always worked away at Roger to do it. Now there is no one to work away at me.
He calls sometimes and talks at me...Or he stops by after a fight with her. I give non-response comfort noises. I give hugs. I can never think of the proper things to say to help. And he always leaves again.
I'm alone again. Damn.
The people who apparently loved me only seem to love each other.
Maureen has been lost to me since before I started to date her. A butterfly only stays a moment, then leaves. She was one of those creatures for me. Got me out of a shell and put me into another later. Bitch.
I cared for, comforted and help Roger heal after April. Those long days of fighting against his withdrawals and the knowledge of a disease that would slowly kill him. It took everything out of both of us.
Then, on Christmas all that work to help Roger. All my work seemed to go to shit because another person came in and had to heal him all by herself. Mimi totally and utterly fucked up this healing on her first not-really-an-attempt. Then another Christmas, another year went by and she had her second chance. She came back to him and to her life of happiness. They now live oh-so-happily ever after.
In their apartment one floor below me. AZT is now their drug of choice. Roger helped her through.
Collins is gone. He died around Thanksgiving the year after Mimi got back. It is odd that the one you expect to survive through it all is the second-no third if you count April, Maybe fourth if you count Benny. of our family to go.
Maybe I could be next. If I could just end this loneliness I would be next. The movie wasn't successful enough to make me so I've been surviving on the payment from a job at a pizza place. Only good thing is I can pretend that I have tasty food at home because my clothes all smell like work.
Eh, I really don't have much to live for anymore. Everyone else is happy and they don't really need me. Right? They never really needed me.
The only ones who seemed to need me just wanted someone to listen to them. Or someone to fuck. Or someone to comfort them when they didn't understand why they were in pain. Or someone to mess with so they wouldn't have to feel any pain. or someone to yell at and abuse.
Pain can end so easily with a little cut or two. April did it. I can too. Here goes.
A/N: Don't ask me where that came from, my mind is a strange place lately.
Oh by the way, I know this fic is short, but it takes seconds to click that little button and tell me what you thought...please do. I really would like to know what people think...